Bearing the cross fruitfully

I have been having a spate of bad nights, not enough sleep, leading to physical exhaustion, which makes me irritable and sensitive. It doesn’t take much to stress me out. Worse, my best efforts seem to fall short and I feel like I am drowning, failing at loving others. Now this really upsets me and makes me want to give up completely as waves of self-pity wash over me. 

So it was timely to hear Father Anthony’s homily last Saturday. He first mentioned why Saint John Paul II was a pope he admired so much. Not only did he accomplish much during his papacy, but the way he embraced the cross at the end of his life was something truly remarkable. His spirit was “undefeatable” as his body slowly gave in to the debilitating onslaught of Parkinson’s. 

Father Anthony reflected that as we age, we need to take a second look at the cross, to see how when we arrive at the age of physical decline, where we may be deemed useless by the world, we are still able to align this cross with the cross of Christ so that we can remain fruitful, like JP2 did. He carried the cross willingly and cheerfully despite suffering greatly, never losing hope, to death. 

JP2 showed the world how the intrinsic dignity of a human person remains untouched despite the humiliating effects of physical decay. I saw the same thing with my father when he was physically helpless due to lung cancer, and it was his faith during this terrible time that brought me back to Jesus not long after his death. So I couldn’t agree more when Father Anthony uttered this profound statement: the fruitfulness of life is really seen only after we die. 

I am not even close to the end of my life where I am physically reliant on others, but I am struggling with being  fruitful. How do I sustain such mental strength and force of character when I am worn down so easily? How do I keep running the good race when I am limping my way halfheartedly to the finish line? 

Saint Paul wrote to the Ephesians, chapter four, we have each been given a measure of Christ’s gifts for the work of ministry for building up the Body of Christ, and when we work to attain the unity of faith, knowledge of the Son of God, we will be mature enough not to be so easily swayed, rather we will live the truth in love, joined together as one body with Christ, the head. 

This all makes perfect sense to me. But the execution of said plan is not so easy. And so, the trick is not to go it alone. Saint Paul further writes that if we are joined and held together by every supporting ligament, with the proper functioning of each part, we can bring about the Body’s growth and builds everything up in love. 

So not only do I weep and wail to Jesus, I also share with P and other loved ones my struggles so that I do not feel so isolated and alone. They don’t have to do much to commiserate with me, no solutions needed most times, all they need do is make to some comforting clucking noises. They may not understand why I am so upset but even just holding me in empathetic silence makes the difference. As others support us, we support others in turn. This is what Saint Paul means by each of us being held together.

What is fruitfulness in the quotidian? Fruitfulness is giving God the space to act through me. I don't have to anything. I merely need to be obedient and comply, even when I don’t much feel like it. And, I should never give in to despair for God will always find a way out when I seek His will. Having journeyed for a while now, I have a fair idea of what Jesus would do in most situations, so my daily focus should be on listening attentively, giving with humility and receiving love with a child-like trust. 

Fruitfulness simply requires me to say yes to Jesus living in me. And although I may not see all the fruits of my labour in my lifetime, it is enough that I experience His love every day, and I put my heart into reciprocating in small, simple ways. The fruit will be sufficiently good.

Death-defying thoughts

Just yesterday, two people I met separately shared with me about the recent deaths of people they knew. Over the weekend there were two wakes and one funeral to attend recounted J, while R, whom I have not seen in a year imparted the news of the death of her aunt in June.

Although I sometimes like to state this pithily: We are all dying - death, my death, is something I do think about occasionally and reflect on how I feel about it. Right now, I am very comfortable with death and ready to go any time for as the lyrics of Matt Redman’s Endless Hallelujah proclaims:

No more tears, no more shame

No more sin or sorrow ever known again

No more fears, no more pain

We will see You face to face

There is nothing more that I desire than to stand before Jesus and not just be able to see His face and hear His voice, but to finally sit at His feet, leaning adoringly against His knees. I would like to hear Him say to me good and faithful servant, my dearest daughter, my Beloved. So what gets me going every morning are the new opportunities to be His hands and feet to all I meet; to enjoy those I meet in the day, to be in the moment, and to, in turn, make their day better from having had an encounter with me. 

If I have used my gifts and talents meaningfully, then I would have glorified Him by making Him known to others. Of course, I need to stay grounded and humble, to remember any success of making His kingdom known is not by my effort or strength, but His. Like Saint Therese of Lisieux, I would like to spend my heaven doing good on earth in little, hidden ways, unnoticed, unremarked by all but Jesus. 

These are lofty aspirations* I know, and I also know that when I am truly faced with impending death, I may feel quite differently. As of now, I can deal with the prospect of death quite equably. It is the mortality of those I love that I find most difficult, where my greatest fears lay. My most “selfish” prayers concern my loved ones:

• Please let them be with me for a greater portion of my life, rather than less. 
• Let their deaths not be sudden, give us time to say our goodbyes well, and yet, do not let them suffer, Lord. 
• Let them die in a dignified and peaceful manner, no prolonged stays in hospital (no ICU) wasting away, hooked up to machines and unconscious. 
• Allow us quality time.

Certainly the last prayer rests entirely on me, my efforts to make time for those I love, and to ensure that when I am with them, I am truly present, and we are enriched by our time together. This is no easy thing when I am, most of the time, physically exhausted, my mind racing ahead to tackle future tasks, or when I get fixated on the doing well and forget the being well. As my SD likes to say, begin the day with a simple prayer that will carry you along: Show me how to love today. Sound advice I try to adhere to daily.

Some final thoughts on death: 

• We are all pilgrims on a journey to eternal life and happiness. 
• Some companions will be with us for practically our whole lives, while others for certain seasons. Allow God to dictate the seasons and dress accordingly, savouring each season with all our sensibilities. 
• Give Hm thanks for every good thing we experience in our relationships, acknowledging that even the bad things are good. Forgive quickly to avoid regrets, or becoming a bitter, brittle person. 
• Love Him fully by loving others wholeheartedly and vulnerably, without fear of being hurt.
• Grieving need not be tragic, for grief can give birth to wisdom, joy, and even new life.
• Death does not have the final word, Jesus promised that if we believe in Him, we will live, even though we die; and whoever lives by believing in Him will never die. 
• Last of all, hold everything, and everyone, lightly in your hands, the best is yet to be - something I tell myself every day. 

So death, be not proud, you are but one small step closer to Jesus. A very good thing. 

* Any aspiration worth having must needs be lofty by nature, if not, it should not be called an aspiration.

Heart of a mother

As I prepare to renew my commitment to my ICPE Companions community here in Singapore and worldwide, this Word from Isaiah 54:2 has been something I find most meaningful for this particular period in my life. Every day it speaks to me of new things, new promises from the Lord.

Do not be afraid to dream again

Your life will be good beyond your imagination

An emblem of God’s merciful, rich love

Apple of his eye, his beloved, His bride

Ride the bow in the sky walking the narrow path 

The dark, desolate days are gone

No longer desert deserted your valleys brim green

Bowers of fruitfulness buzzing with delightful fragrances

As you enlarge your heart, so, too, your tent 

How lovely a dwelling place, curtains stretched out wide

Welcoming and warm, a respite for all who enter, a home

Luxuriate in the chatter, the midnight sounds of family life

Do not hold back; go big, go bold, go strong

Lengthen your ropes, drive the stakes deeper 

It is your season for song: shout for joy

The Lord has spoken His covenant of peace

Enjoy your heritage, faithful servant

Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child

Sharing the communion of love

It is around that time again, time to formalize my commitment to be an Associate Member of the community of ICPE Mission Companions. What is exciting about this time is we welcome new members who will take their commitment or covenant for the first time. We have grown more than two-fold (especially when we count the children) and although there is greater diversity in terms of personalities and cultures, the one thing that unifies us is our individual great love for Jesus and how much we want to share this wonderfully healing and nurturing love with others. 

As if in preparation for the big day this coming Sunday, the topic of call and vocation has been very much discussed and reflected upon in my prayer time and my daily experience of listening to Scripture, plus conversations with people I have encountered lately. 

Likewise, at last Sunday’s Companions meeting, we looked at who is the missionary by studying church documents and ICPE Norms and Orientations. We were reminded that as baptized Catholics, we are, each one of us, also missionary disciples who need to constantly refine our charter; to evangelize more effectively by undertaking ongoing formation not just of Church teachings, but acquiring a sound general knowledge of the peoples, cultures and religions, their past and present time, wherever we are situated geographically (Ad Gentes, paragraph 26).

We need to be creative and adept at reaching out and communicating with others, to touch lives in a transformative manner such that we can “make men share in the communion between the Father and the Son in their Spirit of love.”(Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 850)

We ourselves, leading lives of prayer and service, must remain obedient to the bidding of the Holy Spirit, who “alone can raise up diversity, plurality and multiplicity while at the same time bringing unity.” (Evangelii Gaudium, paragraph 131) Thus, the universal aspect of our call (we are, indeed, all one in God’s Spirit, people who share a common bond of humanity) can be fulfilled fruitfully and joyfully. We cannot help, but infect all we meet, with the joy of the Gospel, by thought, word and action, and through exuberant witnessing.

It was enriching to hear the sharing of each person present which Scriptural verse and object they would be offering up during the upcoming Sunday Mass for we each come with our personal charisms and lived experiences. We each bring to the table our own personal commitment and particular skill set to fully live out Gospel values wherever we are vocationally, as well as within the community. 

What makes the covenant-taking especially beautiful is that it is not just a renewal of an individual baptismal vow taken freely and lovingly by each person, but it is a group of believers who come together, seeking a deeper expression of faith by loving and supporting each other in community, calling each other beloved brother or sister. And, having received from each other, we can then, in turn, bring that special unifying love to others outside the community in order to spread the truth, the way and the life of a Trinitarian love that goes beyond borders and differences. 

As the song goes, they will know we are Christians by our love, and maybe, just maybe, realize that they, too, are called to partake in this joyous celebration and promise of eternal life.

Joyful living

Let it be a joyful love, he advised

Not a painful or harsh love

Even in grief extremis

When loss seems imminent

And chaos has the upper hand

There is a way forward:

Allow the mystery of God to enter

He who laid the foundations of the earth*

He has a plan that holds hope and a future**

While understanding may not be within my grasp

(In fact I may never ever fully understand

Still weeping bitter tears as I ponder)

My spirit can exude the oil of gladness

I can give thanks for the littleness of today

Let His glory shine incandescently in my words

His love flow abundantly in my actions

What I do and how I do it can be my best 
Opportunity to conquer life’s limitations 

To let grace dance in the eternal moment

* Job 38:4

** Jeremiah 29:11

In praise of mountain men

I have married a mountain man, not a cave man, even though he sometimes grunts and gestures instead of using speech (okay, I get it, it’s a man thing, and it reveals how comfortable he is with me so I am grateful even if I find it slightly annoying when I am not sure what he wants). Anyways, I cannot effuse enough about how wonderful it is to be loved by a mountain man, henceforth known as MM for both the singular and plural forms.

During my last community meeting, I thanked my spiritual brothers for their MMness - I have learned and grown much these past years. That I am happily married today is a testament to them for my community brothers have given me the necessary courage and hope to take the plunge. I shared with them again the main reservation I had on joining the community formation six years ago was that there were men in the community. I have always felt ill at ease and guarded around men, and it was a huge challenge to be transparent and vulnerable with men for fear of being hurt, oppressed or used. It is these godly men I call brothers who have shown me what good men are truly like, and they have showered me with gentle, fraternal affection and affirmed my femininity such that I now know how to communicate with other men in a healthier fashion.

Then along came P when I was much better able to relate to a spouse in a more positive and an enriching manner. He was, is, my main MM, the man Scripture speaks about in Psalm 24, worthy of climbing the mountain of the Lord and standing before Him; whose clean hands and pure heart honour God every day in thought, word and deed. We are close to 22 months of marriage and I still wonder at how the Lord could make so wonderfully straight the crooked lines of our past decisions and previous lives.

Sure, we can rub each other the wrong way at times, and we can mulishly hold onto our own opinions, but when I look at him, I see this delightful man God has created, who turns my insides into mush with his tender, generous lovingness and sweet, quiet respect. He is so what I need to be the woman God has created me to be; with him, I aspire to be, and I am a better person because of him. He challenges my views, preferences and prejudices gently, building me up at the same time. 

Central to our marriage is the divine grace we receive daily through our faithfulness to God. In daily mass and personal prayer, we seek the heart of Jesus constantly in all our choices. The spillover effect is the ability to somehow cut through any couple paranoia or friction, obvious and invisible, and eventually arrive at wanting the good of the other in relevant and efficacious ways. Where forgiveness is required, it is given unstintingly, without reservation. 

MM are men who have real and living relationships with Jesus which translates into loving and caring relationships with those around them. They are spouses and fathers who look after the home, keeping it in order, protecting their families against evil.They assert their moral authority, guided by the Holy Spirit and they emulate the preeminent MM, Jesus Christ, as best they can, in the workplace and at home. They are Good Samaritans offering help where needed. They are the doers and fixers of society, bringing light into the darkness. They bring diversity and colour to the world with their many talents. 

I thank all the mountain men in my life, and to all the MM of the world, keep ascending the mountain of God, His holy place.