Falling in love again

It was a joy and privilege to have Silvana Abela spend an evening with us last Wednesday on her way back to Mannheim. We had dinner followed by an informal sharing by Silvana who spoke of things that she was inspired by the Spirit to reveal to us. She reminisced of the first time she fell in love with Jesus at an ICPE School and now she gave her life completely to the Lord.

Before this moment, she already had a vocation as a nun which meant she had an existing faith journey, but she was now called to a new radicality, to step out of the boat and walk on water. Silvana shared that in the initial honeymoon phase, all things were possible for she was so in love with Christ and His people, the whole world, that she was open to go wherever He wanted her to go. She was malleable and formable. She was now not only a missionary (a vocation she said yes to as a religious), but she was a missionary disciple, a person who follows Jesus, and does whatever He tells her.

When I think back on my own encounter with Jesus, the moment I drank the living water He offered me, I can relate to what Silvana speaks of, the deep joy, peace, and abandonment to a love that satisfies completely. It is ironic that she calls it the honeymoon phase for it is not what the world usually defines honeymoon. By definition, the honeymoon is a holiday undertaken by a newly married couple and it infers a romantic and joyous time, a period of deep bonding as one, snapshots of beautiful moments filled with frivolity and laughter.

In that definitive moment I said yes to Jesus, I knew it was the right thing for me although the yes was going to be the beginning of a very painful and confusing period in my life. I said yes to sanctification; and making holy what has been unholy for years is excruciating, difficult, filled with great internal struggle and requires unbelievable discipline and perseverance.

Father Hung spoke of what is required for a successful retreat, openness and courage, a generosity of spirit on our part so that God can reveal to us the truth of how much He loves us and what He wants for us. What he suggested as necessary for a good retreat is really what is required for the life of someone who wants to follow Jesus. A disciple.

So why did I continue to say to Jesus all these years when it has been such a difficult journey, when I have had to be humbled again and again, to die to self in so many ways, to experience privation, persecution and alienation? Why did I allow the vine dresser to train me and prune me? Why did I allow myself to depend on God so completely, to give Him complete control of my life when I am such a control freak?

I have only one answer: He is my Lord and my God. When I put my hand on His wound, like Thomas, I knew how unworthy and undeserving I was to be saved and yet, He loves me with such depth, purity and true generosity that I cannot help myself but say yes. And it has also been an awesome, joyful, grace-filled journey despite the hardships and travails.

As we all know, the honeymoon phase does not last. We lose our zeal, we become fat and complacent, we even fall out of love, we can become bitter and angry and contract again into our natural selfish and stubborn ways. Life will always hurl itself at us and hit us where it hurts, knock us down and distract us away from God. So how do we regain this disposition of being in love teachable every day?

Silvana spoke of prayer, as defined by the Catechism of the Catholic Church in paragraph 2560:

"If you knew the gift of God!" The wonder of prayer is revealed beside the well where we come seeking water: there, Christ comes to meet every human being. It is he who first seeks us and asks us for a drink. Jesus thirsts; his asking arises from the depths of God's desire for us. Whether we realize it or not, prayer is the encounter of God's thirst with ours. God thirsts that we may thirst for him.

I relate very much to the woman at the well for it was in encountering the thirsty Jesus that I came to understand my own thirst and what it took to quench it. So all these years I have allowed my subsequent and frequent meetings with Jesus to nourish me and keep me satisfied. But He thirsts for me to have an even deeper relationship with Him, to experience even greater joy, a joy that can only be found in marriage. And so, here I am, falling in love with Jesus all over again by falling in love with P and saying yes to marrying him.

It is the scariest undertaking of my life, and  I see myself entering another honeymoon phase of crazy highs and lows, but it is irresistible, and when all is said and done, I am a fool for love. I look forward to knowing the gift of God more and more in P, even as I slake my thirst by resting in His word even more frequently. 

Revealing beauty

N shared this with me recently that living honestly will lead to vulnerability which is all about authenticity and beauty in relationships. This weekend past, P and I were at a Couple Retreat facilitated by Father Pham Hung Trung at Kingsmead Centre For Ignatian Spirituality & Counselling and it was an opportunity for P and I to share honestly, taking off the masks we normally wear to protect ourselves.

Although the retreat was more for married couples, I felt that P and I gained a lot just by being among three other Christian couples who clearly loved and respected their respective spouses despite the challenges of marriage, and sought the good of the other sincerely. I was inspired and encouraged by their journeys and how each couple surrendered their lives to Christ in living out the vocation of marriage. It was by no means easy, there was struggle, conflict, deep hurt inflicted, but alongside was the desire to stay true to the marital covenant, and that made all the difference.

While P and I have yet to delve so deeply into the bowels of married life, I gained insight and learned how much my anxieties and fears needed to be shared with P, to allow him to respond. I also discovered just how much P loved me and I felt very blessed to know that this man will soon be my husband.

The mask-making was a fun exercise in itself and when we later removed our masks to explore the naked contours of the other's face, there was such grace in the time we spent caressing the other's cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and mouth tenderly. Every touch was a declaration of love, a blessing we bestowed on our beloved. Perhaps the most powerful thing P and I have done as a couple was the celebration of the Eucharist this afternoon, followed by the renewal of marital vows by the others, which for P and myself, became the opportunity to exchange personalized pre-nuptial vows.

Heartfelt words declared in the presence of Christ and others become powerful truths that bless and protect the relationship. I can see why it is important to celebrate the wedding day by inviting friends and family to be present and witness the permanent bonding of a couple who then become an icon of God's faithful, total and unconditional love. We later took turns to bless each couple present by praying for them, yet another rich experience filled with the Spirit of God.

Although we know we love each other and we have opportunity in our day-to-day living to express our love for the other, we typically, as a couple, do not avail ourselves of the opportunities to do so, focused as we are usually on the practicalities of life and its pressing issues that often distract us and require our attention and energy. Thus, it is nice to set aside time specially to have couple time, and to also include God in a special way in our couple time.

Whenever we open ourselves to receiving Jesus in our hearts, He will honour the invitation by entering into the deepest places, shedding the light of His love to transform and empower us. It was fitting that this was a Jesuit-run retreat for I managed to see God in all things and situations, even the first morning when P had to be somewhere else and I was initially dismayed but put on my supportive game face. My learning lesson was that things will never go as planned but if I opt to be loving, setting aside my own fears and choose to surrender the undesired change with graciousness, then I will be doubly blessed, and I was, so was P. It cannot get better than that.

As P and I continue to walk towards marriage, I hold the experience of this retreat in my memory as a milestone in a deeper understanding of who we are individually and as a couple; in growing bonds of intimacy so necessary for a strong marriage; and I walk away with a sense of gratitude and excitement for the adventure ahead. I understand P a little better and I have a clearer sense of how to make him happy, which I so desire but am often clueless as to how to communicate this desire effectively in concrete terms.

E shared something about his mission at our last ICPE Companions outreach which I thought profound, that as husband and father he needed to ensure that his wife and children get to heaven. I view my mission with the same seriousness and I hope that I will bring love, joy, pleasure and lots of laughter in my newly defined role, thereby creating heaven on earth, and making the journey to heaven one filled with authenticity and beauty.

Identifying THE one

W asked me, how do you know that P is THE one? I suppose we all seek for formulae or prescriptions when looking for love, especially when it comes to the ultimate expression of love between man and woman, the permanent bond of marriage.  As I tried my best to explain, I realize that my answer although part rational, part practical, part intuitive, also had a huge spiritual component to it, and, ultimately had an element of blind faith. Any marriage is a leap of faith no matter how the couple arrive at the altar, and it requires many more leaps of faith to keep it going strong, especially when the relationship encounters the troughs that it will.

I recently read an article that debunked the idea God chose our mates for us for it would mean we could not exercise the gift of freedom and that we would discount love in the decision, among the many reasons. I smiled when I read this for whether or not we agree God chooses someone for each of us, it is not as clear cut as all that.

When I initially realized that P could be the one that God has placed before me as husband material, the romantic in me rebelled against the idea that we, as a couple, out of obedience to God, would marry. It was too clinical. P was dead sure and while it was nice to be pursued by a man who knew what and who he wanted, I did not want to be the one he chose just because the Father said I chose her for you. He needed to choose me for himself, and I, him. I liked the idea of God being our matchmaker for it gave me such reassurance, and yet, where is my freedom in all this, where is the romance?  Here is also why men will never understand women, we like to complicate things.

P commented to me last night, the Lord can be mischievous, and he's right. As we got to know each other better, as we prayed individually for our own signs to confirm that the relationship was right, as we remained biddable to His promptings, He did a number on us, we fell in love, a dangerous (love being blind), but I'd like to think necessary state of being as we journey toward marriage.

I like many things about P. In many areas we are compatible, similar. We also have the same goals and aspirations, we are guided by the same principles in life, and what we want for our life together is to joyfully consecrate our lives to Jesus. So marriage is a choice we have arrived at freely. Even though we know Jesus, through His mother, has been instrumental in bringing us together, we have counted the costs, we know each other's weaknesses, our differences, and we clearly see the obstacles ahead. And, we still say yes to each other. We have grown to love each other, and we trust that in Christ, we will always find our way in our walk of life together.

So how do I know P is the one? When I 'see' him, the essence of the man he is, he strikes a tender chord within me. He moves me and evokes a profound response in me, a deep calling unto deep that I struggle to put into words. To put it simply, I love him for the flawed, broken, imperfect man he is, the one who still tries hard to be good every day, the man after God's own heart, who moves in His Spirit. What's more, he makes me smile. He makes me laugh.

In practical terms I know that P is the one because he loves and respects me for who I am and what I stand for. He gives me the freedom and space to breathe and grow. He does not try to change me and he supports me in all my endeavours. I, of course, try to reciprocate fully. We both want what is best for the other and we are happy to make the necessary sacrifices for each other's well-being. We do not use each other, and we take delight in the other's presence. Love for the long haul must be honest, truthful, unselfish, generous, self-giving, forgiving, caring and nurturing. If a man cannot be all this, especially in the initial stages of the relationship, best walk away. He is probably not the one. It is as simple as that.  Hope this helps, W. 

Letting Him in

I have just spent an entire week mourning a decision I had to make recently. Prior to that I was living in denial for I refused to give up what I perceived as very dear to me and I feared, still fear, that in giving it up, it may change me for the worse. But of course when I finally took it in prayer, I knew what it was that I needed to do. It would seem like too great a price to let go, and yet, it is only in letting go that the promises of Christ can be fulfilled in my life. And so, day by day, I relinquish control, my security, my comfort level and my happiness, into His hands.

I am standing outside the door of your heart, knocking*
Won't you let me in?
I bring only the joy you have longed for
Your entire life
The deep union of when two become one.
I know that you have been hurt before, and yes,
It is risky, and it will be painful
But it will also be the making of you.
You will grow and you will enjoy the fruit
You will labour to bring forth,
Delicious, fragrant globes of goodness
All can enjoy.
You have to put out into the deep. Trust.
Open the door and let the light flood in.
Be bold, be brave, do not be afraid,
Let me in. 

* Inspired by Revelations 3:20