Birthday blessings

When birthdays roll round, I like to take stock of what has happened in the year before and what do I see (what is His will for me) happening in the coming year.

After all, it should be a year older, a year wiser, especially since the body seems to be breaking down despite my feeble attempts at maintaining it so the least I can do is cultivate my mind and spirit. (Hah! as JJ my Texan friend who lives in Taiwan would say.)

Despite all the busyness in my life, I realized I managed to accomplish quite a few things. Chief among which has been my deepening relationship with Jesus. The growing intimacy, the everyday discovery of new facets of self, JC and us (JC n me).

While I have to say my best birthday in terms of thrills was the year I went diving in Komodo, in terms of a deep inner joy, it would have to be this year.

I realized that the biggest gift I received this year has been a freedom from and a freedom for.

I received the freedom from bondage of co-dependent relationships of the past and unhealthy emotional ties. I was given the opportunity say goodbye to relationships, people that I had held on to because past ties, our histories together, were so dear to my heart.

I was given the freedom for being - to be the me I was created to be. To be a woman who loves deeply and boundlessly, unafraid of being vulnerable and open to love's infinite possibilities. To love unconditionally and with the detachment of selfless maturity.

It's incredible how this freedom has given birth to such upwellings of joy and peace. A kind of nirvana. It feels absolutely fabulous!

If there were such a thing as a perfect day, this year's birthday ranks close. All the love I received from family and friends. All the yummy treats (I was wined and dined and birthday caked out). All the beautiful presents.

There are hints already of what is to come over the next 12 months and as I allow things, events to unfold as they will, I am reminded of what E. once said to me, that God is a God of order.

And so I wait... as I continue to exercise the glorious gift of freedom.

Prayer works

I cannot believe it, the first wave of work has cleared.

As of now, I have the morning to write up just one company profile, I have no more on hand. There are still seven companies outstanding (plus two interviews to write up) which can be done at a slightly more leisurely pace over the weekend. Now I am praying hard that everything comes in tomorrow.

It has been a siong or fierce week. Up at 6.00 am, teach or write with small breaks in between to eat. I only make it to bed after midnight. I am amazed at how I have been able to maintain high levels of concentration, long hours at a stretch, despite my tiredness. Slowly, but surely, I've chipped away at the mountain and am now left with a small hillock.

There is a second mountain to face but it is smaller than the first and relies more on quick turnaround time for the first drafts than anything else.

All I can say is I've been surviving on grace. And prayer.

Knowing that I would barely have time to pray (actually I have managed to make time, surprisingly enough) I've asked many of my friends to intercede for me during this crazy week and their prayers have worked.

God has been too kind, as B. would say. He has arranged my time to enable me to write (clients cancelling at critical moments). As long as I remained faithful and diligent, He created the opportunity.

Throughout this week, I've held Psalm 37:4 close to my heart: "Make the Lord your delight, and He will grant your heart's desire."

I get impatient and short when I am tired and panicky but I've made the effort to be find delight in situations and be "delightful".

I've endeavoured to put my best efforts into my writing, even when I've reached the point of giving up.

I've found the energy to teach and enjoy my time with clients despite the tiredness coursing through my body.

I have submitted my desire to Him: to be able to leave Singapore on July 22nd, secure in the knowledge that the job is done and done well.

I now leave it in His hands, claiming the proclamation of Gabriel to Mary, "With God, nothing is impossible".

A big thank you to my prayer warriors. This is to let you know your efforts have allowed me to make it through the week.

Alleluia. Amen.

Panic pill

I am in panic mode. I took on a huge writing project which I have to see to final proof stage by July 21^st, when I leave for Melbourne.

Right now, work has barely begun and the sheer volume of what lies ahead scares me for I am afraid I will not be up to the task and do a good job by the looming deadline.

Doubts and fears all crowd together within me, causing panic. Why did I take this on? Was I too greedy? Why am I so unrealistic about what I can and cannot do?

Today, I even struggled with going for mass – for I was strongly inclined to drop everything, even my precious time with God, in order to tackle the work.

I am glad I didn’t for the entire Eucharistic celebration was God’s assurance that His grace will see me through.

From the comforting notes of “Be not afraid, I go before you always...” to the readings where Paul reminds to walk in the Spirit which is mightily powerful, and where Jesus reassures us that He will carry our burdens: “Come to me, all you who work hard and who carry heavy burdens and I will refresh you”.

And so I laid my burden of fear at His feet and claimed His promise to refresh me. As we sang the recessional hymn, I received one final reassurance from Him:

“We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength, and we will fly like an eagle, we will rise again.”

There’s much to be said for spiritual panic pills.

Super heroes

As children, who among us has not idolized a particular figure who has super-human powers and uses it to save the world like Superman? We all need heroes to admire, to emulate; people who exemplify everything good that we are not yet but can possibly be; to hope in a better me, and consequently, a better world.

For me it was Batman, a hero who is smart, strong and untiring in his efforts to fight crime. That he has cool gadgets and the Batmobile, I have to admit, added to his mystique.

His personal story struck a chord in the young me as well. Here was a hero who experienced loss at a young age when he witnessed the murder of his parents, but grows up with a mission to fight evil in the world.

He has all he would ever want in terms of material wealth, but lacks a family in the true sense of the word. He has only Alfred, his butler, and Robin, the Boy Wonder, as members of his surrogate family.

Ultimately, he is alone in his world, the "Dark Knight" who can never regain the warmth of his childhood with doting parents who loved him, and so stands apart.

Lately, my heroes have morphed into real people. Just like Batman, they have unique personal histories that shaped who they were. Just like Batman, they were on a mission to transform the world.

Rowan Williams wrote that 'the self is not a substance one unearths by peeling away layers until one gets to the core, but an integrity one struggles to bring into existence'.

Peter, the brash, impetuous and rough fisherman, who denied Christ on three occasions through fear but later goes on to 'feed His lambs' with great courage and wisdom to the extent of being crucified upside-down.

Paul, the learned and devout Pharisee who is struck physically blind so that he may see Christ in his life and goes on to be 'all things to all men' and brings Christ's message of love and redemption to the Gentiles.

These are men who were true to themselves and lived their lives with integrity as best they knew how.

Not perfect, completely human with human weaknesses, but who lived in the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit and thus were able to be, and be models of love made in Christ's image.

I salute these two great missionaries, whose feast day we just celebrated Sunday past, and as it is the start of the Year of St. Paul*, I wish for more of his courage, his unflagging faith, his eloquence and ingenuity, and his ability to deploy his talents fully to transform the world I live in.


* The Church commemorates the 2,000th anniversary of the birth of St. Paul from June 28th, 2008 - June 29th, 2009.

Child's play

Last Sunday I took B-boy to visit my father at the columbarium as it was Fathers' Day and I wanted to wish my father.

As we stopped at the niche where my dad's ashes were, I said, "Hi Dad, Happy Fathers' Day" earning me a look from the five-year-old who clearly thought there was something wrong with his aunt who spoke to a photograph in the wall, but was too polite to say so. Good training, A.

I then proceeded to take him to visit my grandparents and aunt who were a wall away. As I pointed out the people I knew and told him stories of how some of them died, what they did, he soon thought I knew every soul in the columbarium.

He started asking me about other strangers "Who's this?" Running ahead and pointing to a niche "What happened to this person?" I had to spoil the excellent impression I had made on him by admitting "I don't know". Darn!

A child like B-boy readily accepts the authority of an adult for he thinks all adults are there to teach him about the world, not realizing that adults have much to learn from him.

How to be naive, innocent, to trust that the world is a safe and wondrous place, put there solely for his or her enjoyment and pleasure.

How to explore life with no fear, pushing the boundaries, testing limits to gain a better understanding of how the world works.

How to play. Be creative. Let the imagination roam free.

Believe that there is something, someone greater out there to be acknowledged and appreciated every day.

So, for a moment, stop being the responsibility-loaded adult you are and become a child again.

And play!

Father & child

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. A perfect day to be outdoors. Father and son walked onto the field to practise catching a baseball.

Father, a lithe figure, who moved with athletic grace and power, son a slender eleven-year-old, brimming with excitement at the opportunity to show his father how well he could catch a baseball.

"Keep your eye on the ball and place the mitt up to catch it," instructed Pa, who then threw a slow ball.

Ron cheered, "I caught it! I caught it!"

"Good," said his father smiling with approval, "Now throw it back to me and get ready for the next one."

Ron threw the baseball back to his father and Pa pitched another slow ball. Ron dropped it but caught the one after. Soon he was catching most of the balls that came his way.

"Alright, now I am going to throw a little harder, a little faster," warned Pa.

"OK, Pa."

As the afternoon progressed, the father began pitching hard, fast balls.

Soon Ron's hand was smarting from the impact of the ball as it hit the glove. Each time he caught a ball he winced.

"Does it hurt, Ron?" Pa asked.

"No, Pa," the boy replied, tossing the ball back at his father.

Soon it was time to go home and by then Ron's hand was tender and bruised.

"Well done, son, I am proud of you," smiled Pa.

Ron's heart filled with happiness at his father's words.

This afternoon would remain in his memory as a special day, a day where he and his father did something together, just the two of them. A day where his father told him he was proud of him.

Such days were indeed rare, for there was a war going on and with nine mouths to feed, Pa did not have the time nor the disposition to play with his seven children. Survival was foremost on his mind.

When Ron became a father, he honoured that memory by taking time to teach his children how to swim, how to play table-tennis, how to kick a soccer ball.

After all, this is what fathers the world over do, play with their children. From one generation to the next.

The simple life

I've been enjoying a lull in my teaching hours for it's the June hols and many clients with kids have gone away.

While it's a little worrying for income is taking a dip, I'm also glad for the chance to spring-clean and chuck things that are no longer relevant or necessary in my life. (I also get to spend more time with Mum and cook more which are good things.)

It's mentally very empowering although the sentimental streak in me does mourn the departure of some article of clothing or a treasured book that has given me much pleasure in the past.

I've grown quite merciless in getting rid of stuff for there is just too much clutter from my past lives and my environs must now keep pace with my outlook on life, which has been for the last several years to simplify.

Just looking at the amount of junk I've acquired through the years, I marvel that I do not need or crave for 'things' like I used to.

I suppose it helps when I've been there, done that and do not need to buy that bag just because it's so me and too simply to-die-for.

I've also come to the conclusion ("Finally!" my mum would exclaim - if you saw the amount of stuff I have you would understand where she is coming from) that happiness does not lie in acquiring or possessing material things or wealth.

And, there are other means of getting a buzz besides retail therapy.

Anthony Bourdain maintains that the poorer the country, the more inventive and delicious tasting the cuisine. From basic and usually discarded ingredients, a wonderful meal can be conjured.

So living a material-poor life does not mean I get any less pleasure out of life but rather I am more appreciative of what I already have, and I enjoy exercising my creative juices in gaining maximum output for minimum financial investment.

And yes, I've even created some simple, nutritious and delicious meals for two that cost under $5. While Bourdain may not concur on the latter description, he would have to concede on the former two.

As the psalmist proclaims in Psalm 4: "You, O Lord, have put joy in my heart; more than by giving me wine or food."

So with joy in my heart, I go back to pruning the excesses of my past.

Rock solid

It's easy to lose perspective when life looms enormous, pressing up against you suffocatingly, crushing you under its inexorable weight.

It's easy to be caught in depression's powerful undertow and be sucked under, never to surface again.

It's easy to feel like you're all alone in the world in the endless night, no one out there who will help you, even if they could.

I used to give in and let the darkness overtake me.

Stay away from God even though I know that prayer, talking to Him, would be my saving grace.

I use to question His existence and His omnipotence, disbelief oozing from every pore of my being.

Now I know that I had built my house on sand. My faith a frangible, brittle thing, unable to withstand any of the elements.

I succumbed to worldly distractions and settled for less. Wrestled with my demons and lost which resulted in massive amounts of self-pity and self-loathing.

So what transformed me? Perspective.

Watching my father valiantly fight a losing battle with lung cancer - a horrific, yet heart-wrenchingly beautiful spectacle.

As the disease gained control of his body, he found tremendous psychological and spiritual healing. He reverted to the faith of his childhood - rock solid was his belief in Jesus.

His faith was God's parting gift to him and it enabled him to live out his last days with such grace that it called to something deep within me.

The most precious thing my father bequeathed me was this house of faith built on rock.

And so I began to build my own house on the bedrock of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Before I placed the foundation, I had to tear down the house of lies and distortions that I had sought shelter in for over 30 years.

I had to face and slay the monsters of my childhood with the sword of Truth and reclaim the delightful, precious and beloved little girl living inside of me.

In accepting the gift of who I am, I began to build the house I was called to design with the talents I had been bestowed.

Erecting walls of love and truth, with sturdy doors of forgiveness, sparkling windows of beauty to allow the light to shine through, topped with a roof of goodness.

So when the storms of life batter the exterior of my house and rattle the windows, I am safe in the knowledge that my ever-growing faith will sustain me through the most destructive of hurricanes.

For Christ is my rock. My lodestone in life.

Be like Christ

The phrase “you are what you eat” is usually used as dietary warning. In other words, eat unhealthily and expect your body to protest at some point with health problems (sometimes fatal) or weight gain.

This took on a deeper meaning for me last Sunday, being Corpus Christi.

If I eat the body and drink the blood of Christ, the Eucharist, I will be nourished and healed. For I am transformed as I allow the real presence of Jesus into my body, and consequently into my heart and my life.

I will become more like Him as I die to my worldly self. Yet how often do I really take advantage of the power of the Paschal Mystery?

Do I allow myself to be who I eat? My glib response is yes, as long as no one crosses my path or rains on my parade.

It's hard to remain mindful and to practise virtue when sometimes it seems as if everyone (hates me) and everything (is too difficult) is out to get me.

Nobody appreciates, understands or cares for me.

When the world is a harsh, alien and hostile place and in the words of five-year-old Brian, "I don't like it!."

This is where it's important to lead a Eucharistic life, to have faith and believe that we can rise above our troubles and ourselves by walking closely with the Father, by becoming like Christ.

Jesus came to show us that the impossible is nothing (to quote the Adidas ad campaign) and He left us with two very powerful weapons in our fight against our own foibles - the Holy Spirit and the Eucharist.

And God gave us His son, the Word made flesh, flesh to become the sacrificial lamb who would bring redemption and hope to the world.

So when I am unable to make it to weekday mass to get my Eucharistic boost, I rely on the written Word to remind me of who I am and what I must do.

"When your words came, I devoured them: your word was my delight and the joy of my heart; for I was called by your name, Lord, God of Sabaoth." Jer 15:16

Sup well today.

Mother's Day

I was telling my mother just yesterday that I did not realize today is Mother's Day. I had to be reminded by A.

We both laughed and I went on to say to her, tongue in cheek, that it was because to me, every day is Mother's Day.

It was a promise I made to myself when Dad passed on to treat my Mum specially every single day.

Dad used to say to us, "When I am gone, you all will bully your mother." It would tick me off for I did not see myself as a bully, much less a mother bully.

Upon reflection, I found a kernel of truth in what he said.

Mum is a total sweetheart and she is the most easy-going person in the world. If I were to treat her badly, she would stomach it without saying a word.

So the potential to bully is very high.

In many ways, Mum reminds me of Mother Mary: her gentleness, her meek acceptance of life and her unending patience. I like to think I have inherited some of these traits despite having my Dad's trigger temper.

Friends, do tell me if I am deluded or not?

When people tell me I am a good daughter, I always say I am blessed with a good mother. Mum makes it easy for me to be a good daughter for she is so accepting of my flaws and she eats whatever I put in front of her, good and bad.

Because of her I have learned to be capable, resilient and independent.

I have learned to be in touch with my girly side.

I have learned that gentleness is a strength.

I have learned to laugh and delight in life, be content with what I have.

I have learned to be able to tell a phalaenopsis from a cattelaya and appreciate the beauty of both.



I thank the Lord for the gift of my mother and I pray she will be around for a long time still, for she is one of my anchors in life.

Spirit light

Photo of Halema`uma`u Crater

Source: Hawaiian Volcano Observatory

When molten lava is over 900 degrees C hot, it glows a bright orangey yellow, giving off light that can be seen from a distance.

I spent this Pentecost weekend attending a Life in the Spirit Seminar (LISS) facilitated by "Alex Loo Sdn Bhd" as Fr. Arro called the team.

Having attended one previously in 2003, I was not very keen on attending another except it happened to be in my parish. So to support the efforts of my parish community, I decided to attend.

Plus, what better way to spend Pentecost than to experience the Holy Spirit in a seminar that recognized and celebrated His power?

It was a spirit-full event and I came away with the Spirit burning even brighter in my heart, much like molten lava.

I am even more convinced of how much Jesus loves me and I feel truly blessed to have experienced that knowledge in my heart and soul, and not just merely in my mind.

What made it especially wonderful was that my cousin and her husband had attended the seminar as well. And it is very cool to witness a family member you love experience the power of the Holy Spirit for the very first time and be on fire. I feel like a proud mama!

Of course there was the drama of people resting in the Spirit, dropping like nine pins, a sea of healing tears and the heady rush of joy of a crowd 250-strong on a mutual spiritual high.

While being able to feel such elation and inner joy is great, faith is not merely emotion-driven.

For me, the most important message was in the final talk by Fr. Arro on how to grow in the Spirit.

He gave four simple ways on how we can continue to chart spiritual progress in our lives:

1) An eagerness and fidelity to prayer - switching to God's channel every day for some "quiet time" is vital for unless we give ourselves the chance to listen to God, we will not be able to know Him intimately and build a relationship full of vitality.

"Prayer is not magic," Fr. Arro reminded us. It should not be used as a means to get answers to questions in life. Rather prayer gives us the freedom to hear and love Him, to answer God's call, and consequently, know how to serve Him. Able to do the will of the Father, just like Jesus.

By starting the day with a question to the Father - "Show me how to love today?" - we will be better equipped to accomplish our mission daily, which is to sow seeds of love everywhere we go.

2) An eagerness and fidelity to reading and meditating on the Bible - Fr. A said the Bible should be our "best friend" and one we should look forward to spending time with, instead of viewing it as a chore we feel duty-bound to perform.

He encouraged us to use good Bible commentaries and attend Bible study courses to gain a better understanding.

While we may not understand everything, we must persist in reading consistently and systematically. In bite-sized pieces so as not to feel overwhelmed.

And the best starting point is to begin with is one of the four gospels.

3) To serve eagerly - with an open heart, we do whatever the Lord asks of us.

If we seek to be kingdom-builders, signs of God's love in the world, then we must see what is needed and do our best to fulfil the needs of the community by serving in the capacity we are called to by Jesus.

Always remember, it's not doing what I want to do, but doing what He wants me to do, whether I like it or not (and I won't like it much at times).

4) Accept that the process of forgiving and healing is a life-long one - there is no silver bullet or instant cure. Healing takes time, mostly a lifetime to achieve.

Even as we choose to forgive someone for hurting us, we may not have experienced healing.

And when healing does take place, we do not simply forget for "there is a duty of memory". However, if we can remember the past without bitterness, anger and a desire for revenge, then it is a sign of the presence of the Spirit within us.

We were reminded to avail ourselves of the power of the Eucharist in continuing the healing process.

Today I was given new heart, a new life in the Spirit. May the light shine bright always.

High fidelity

Audiophiles and avid photographers all seek perfection in music or photography. They spend tens of thousands of dollars on equipment that will reproduce sound or image that is as close to the real thing as possible.

This predilection for seeking perfection is completely human. Made in the image and likeness of God, we ourselves are closest to perfection when we strive to be like Jesus and when we are completely guided by the Holy Spirit.

However, when we get distracted by "noise" like fortune, fame, power and other worldly values, or when we have a distorted view of the world around us, we are unable to transcend our own fears, needs and values and we are hampered in our endeavours to be "perfect", selfless, like Jesus.

How do we rise out of our concupiscence, this desire for worldly things and the tendency to sin? How can we seek perfection and find it on this earth?

As is revealed in the readings this Ascension Day, we will receive power from the Holy Spirit to restore the kingdom - for it is through the spirit of wisdom and perception that we can hope in what we have been called to do and see the glories we stand to inherit through answering the call.

However, having the power but not exercising it is useless. This happens when we seek perfection in things that cannot last - perfection of the body, mind and material things instead of spiritual perfection. Or we ignore the call.

Seeking spiritual perfection does not mean we eschew pleasure and all things worldly. It does not mean we are called to live in the desert, away from all humankind.

Seeking spiritual perfection means we live by and in the Spirit by seeking the presence of God in our lives and surrendering our will to Him on a daily basis. It means answering the call to serve in the way we are each called to serve.

This requires work and fidelity of the highest order.

As St Paul exhorted the Romans:

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

So make it a perfect day. Stay faithful.


Note: High fidelity equipment enables minimal noise or distortion and produces sound that is pure.

Gifts of mystery

I cannot believe how incredibly fast the days have flown by. We are almost at the end of the Easter season.

It has truly been a season of new life for me - new ways of looking at and living out life which have presented real challenge lately.

For I found that I was spending more time feeling guilty about the things I had not been able to accomplish, things that I had wanted to do but had not physically or mentally been up to carrying out.

There are so many things on my to-do list, which seems to be growing longer faster than there are items scratched out from it.

I feel so out of control - one big disorganized mess and I am driving myself crazy, spiralling downward into complete chaos.

In the meantime, my body is protesting against my compulsive need to do everything, be everywhere at the same time and be all things to all people.

And so I have recently declared a sanity check and decided that I need to love myself a little more and affirm myself for being a good person. Go easy on myself.

Thus I have begun to look at the things I have accomplished, and which are usually dismissed as part and parcel of the daily grind of life and hence overlooked and unremarked.

Like how I cooked a delicious dinner tonight for Mum, my friend B. and myself and we had a good time. Everyone enjoyed the meal. The soup was rich in flavour, the mussel salad refreshingly piquant and the ginger chicken with mushroom was yummy.

So what if I didn't manage to mop the floor as I intended to today. I did sweep the floor. Yes, that deserves special mention.

During today's mass, Fr. Romeo remarked that we were given two gifts by God - one was love and the other was the Holy Spirit.

Love, not in the dreamy, romance novel kind of way, but a sacrificial act of love, and one that unleashes a redemptive force.

Just as Jesus' love for us was strong, concrete and dear, so too do we make His presence real in our lives when we act out of love.

The other gift that lives and moves deep within us is the Paraclete or the Holy Spirit. It vivifies and animates us, guiding us to engage others and life through action.

If we are Spirit-led, then we will receive the gifts and fruit of the Spirit, chief among which are wisdom, faithfulness, joy and peace, all great things to have.

Fr. Romeo called these two gifts mysterious for much as we try to wrap our brains around them, we can never understand them fully. We can only receive and appreciate, and in turn, give back.

If I rely on these two gifts, and the other gifts I have received as an individual to act in life, then I am good to go.

Go do what I can, on a daily basis, thanking the Creator for all things completed successfully and all things left unaccomplished.

The price of passion

Last Friday evening, JC, an old school-mate and good gal pal picked me up in her chauffeured-driven Bimmer and bought me dinner. We both had a great time catching up, sipping limoncello and wine, and dining on deliciously prepared Italian cuisine.

Her driver dropped me off after dinner and I walked up to my flat and into my room feeling distinctly blue.

There are aspects of my previous life that I miss at times. I miss dining out in ritzy restaurants on a whim. I miss travelling on business class. I miss taking off to exotic destinations or going on dive trips whenever I feel like it. I miss being able to buy something frivolous without batting an eyelid at the mind-boggling cost.

I DO mourn the loss of those fat paychecks and what I could do with them from time to time, even as I am grateful for the generosity of friends.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life the way it is now for I do NOT miss the stress, the inability to find meaning in what I did at work, the overwhelming despair I felt from being a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and the battering my self-esteem and self-worth took as I struggled to fit into an environment I found absurd.

I was living a life without passion and it was truly a meaningless existence, made interesting and bearable only by the pleasures that the financial spoils afforded.

Would I go back to such a life? The answer is a definite no.

Would I do it again, that is to walk away from my previous life knowing what I know now about the opportunity cost of such a decision? It's a resounding YES!

For the decision was not so much motivated by fear or an act of cowardice, but by love, a new-found passion - for Jesus.

There is a saying by Lao Tzu: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."

This revelation of love in my life gave me both strength and courage to "leave the boat" and "walk on water", to choose a radical approach in life by submitting my will in all things to the Father (remember I am an "all or nothing" kinda gal).

There has never been an easier or a more difficult decision in my life. While I've experienced great joy and gained much, I have also suffered great loss and grieved tremendously.

What makes it all worthwhile is how fulfilled I am in this living, spousal relationship I have with Jesus.

Yes, I can just hear my friend, PC, say how I've been brain-washed or "psychoed" myself into thinking this way for how can it be possible to have an intimate relationship with a man who walked this earth over 2,000 years ago?

To paraphrase the angel Gabriel: "All things are possible with God."

Even as I experienced desolation last Friday evening, He spoke to me comfortingly and prophetically in the gospel of the day, words that were again echoed during Sunday mass two days later (see John 14) and at the Shaping Progress talk that ICPE's Woman to Woman ministry organized at CANA that afternoon.

There is a price to pay for passion, Jesus paid for it with His life as he sought to do the will of His Father.

If I choose spiritual progress, to become more and more like Him, then I, too, must be willing and able to pay the price.

Albert Camus said: "A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing."

I hope to spare nothing in pursuing my passion for "the Way and the Truth and the Life" every day.

WONDER child

WONDER
I am. A girl child.
A luminous rosebud of femininity.
Tender-hearted and fragile
But resilient to the core.
I drink in the world in wide-eyed wonder
Loving – to the last atom of my being.
I giggle. I skip. I whoop. I glide.
Pure delight unto myself and others.
I’m on a magical, never-ending ride.
I slumber in the safe haven of my rainbow-tinted world.

DESPAIR
I am. A girl child.
A shrinking, prickly touch-me-not.
Afraid, ashamed and all alone
I’m crippled to the core.
In my broken, dank, dark world
I am malodorous, reeking despair through every pore.
I wail. I thrash. I scream. I slash.
A hateful creature - unloved by all.
Find me in the bowels of misery
Where I am tormented by my own existence hourly.

I am that girl child
Residing inside a woman preciously knitted
Sometimes light-hearted, sometimes brooding.
She is a cocktail of experience-shaken perception and emotion
A multi-flavoured mix of wonder and despair.
She doesn’t know it but she has the power to change the world
In a single heartbeat.
If only she would let me out to play
To be comforted and healed
By my Father’s warm and gentle hands
So that in time I become more wonder than despair
And hand in hand we can sing in resonant accord.

By Jackie Pau 2008

In John Bradshaw's Home Coming Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, he identifies the wonder child as having these natural traits:

Wonder
Optimism
Naivete
Dependence
Emotions
Resilience
Free play
Uniqueness
Love

Golden jubilee

Last night I accompanied Mum to a wedding anniversary celebration. Old friends of my parents who have attained what is increasingly rare as time goes by - 50 years of marriage and still going strong.

It was great to see them surrounded by children, grand-children and friends, celebrating the cumulation of their lives together as husband and wife. What a special evening!

Biblically, 50 is the number of jubilee or celebration, a time of deliverance and rest, and, of grace as it is the perfect consummation of time.

Fifty days after Jesus was resurrected, the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples in the upper room and thus the gift of the Spirit was given to humankind on Pentecost.

So which ever way you slice it, 50 is a powerful number and cause for celebration.

While I thoroughly enjoyed the feast last night (and paying today for over-indulging), there was much to digest from last Sunday's gospel reading of the apostles' meeting of Jesus on the road to Emmaus.

As Fr. Renckens explained, we do not have the readings from the Bible before the Eucharist just to make mass longer, rather it is by listening to the word of God and by opening our hearts and minds to receive Him that we may truly be transformed by our faith during the Eucharistic celebration.

Through this transformation, we are then better able to emulate Christ and reflect His love in our actions in our daily lives.

Just as our bodies require food every day to function well, so do our minds and hearts require the bread of life a.k.a. Jesus, through prayer, especially through meditating on Scripture, to maintain healthy spiritual lives.

In Matthew's gospel. Jesus responded to temptation brought on by hunger resulting from 40 days of fasting with this: "One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."

I hope to spend these 50 days of the Easter season feasting on God's words and arriving at Pentecost in a suitable mood of jubilation.

All or nothing

I come from a family of people who are extremist in thinking. It's either in or out, a resounding yes or an emphatic no, all or nothing. And when it comes to major decisions, there is no room for compromise.

And once you put "your hand to the plow", there is no turning back, no regrets. Die, die, must go all the way.

It hasn't won me any popularity contests and I've been accused of being hard-nosed, stubborn and unyielding, to which I reply simply, "I just know what I want out of life so why should I settle for less when only the best will do?"

So I have chosen to follow Christ and the church His death gave birth to, founded by Peter, the apostle He tasked with being the shepherd of His flock.

This means following the teachings of the Church , not just selectively adopting the teachings that sit easy with me but the whole enchilada: teachings on the dignity of the human person, the respect for all life, whether it be in the womb or non-human and the sanctity of family and marriage.

Upholding age-old traditions and teachings in the modern world may seem anachronistic, ridiculous even, but having lived my life both ways, I find that "keeping to the rules" of the Church have given me the freedom and space to be the unique individual that I was created to be and to be happy, at peace with myself.

While I have always tried to be non-judgmental about the life choices of friends and family members, loving them unconditionally, I hold myself to a standard that not many of them understand or appreciate.

Certainly a standard I hope they will one day adopt, but it's not one I expect them to adhere to unwillingly even though I do happen to think that it is the way, the truth and the life. (That's the other thing about my family, we always think we are right...because we are. Hah!)

I spent a long time going down the road of compromise that led to many dead ends. So now that I've found the narrow path, uncomfortable it may be at times to tread, it is the road I've chosen to travel on and I am very focused on keeping to the path. No detours allowed.

For the thing about compromise is this, it opens the door a crack and before you know it, you have rationalized your way to a wide-open door of confusion and pain, much like Pandora's box*.

We all know there is no such thing as a little bit wrong and two wrongs definitely do not make a right, so don't even go there.

I do admit it gets tiring and disheartening at times, having to explain my views and being misunderstood by loved ones, but I will not go back to living in fear, or have my freedom circumscribed by what people or society think of me.

Anyway, whatever I have to face in life pales in comparison to what Jesus had to - rejection of his identity, hatred born of fear and an excruciating death for loving (and healing) people the way He did.

When I think of how much Jesus loved and loves me - at all cost - as His follower, I can only follow the advice of the prophet Samuel to "serve him, faithfully with all your heart; for consider what great things he has done for you."

Alleluia. Amen.


* In Greek mythology, Pandora's curiosity led to her opening the box (or jar) that contained all the evils of mankind and hope, and thus she let loose all evil in the world but still kept hope captive inside the container.

A new reality

I love Easter. I love going for morning mass, reliving the mystery of Christ's resurrection and singing exuberant Easter hymns.

I love receiving chocolate or decorated eggs and I love celebrating the newness of life and all the promise that comes with it.

The feasting that usually comes with the season is reason to celebrate as well

Easter is for me a season of grace.

While there will always be scattered throughout life, periods of pure joy, utter contentment and immeasurable pleasure - times of grace - our lives remain grounded in reality. A reality that includes hurt, loss, conflict, violence, suffering, pain, sickness and death.

Moments of grace, what I call God-reality, are also opportunities to perceive and acknowledge the presence of God in our lives every day, and His manifold and unique blessings. Some of them so small that they are often overlooked as we go chasing after the BIG moments.

We each have an in-built survival instinct to avoid pain and avoid getting hurt, but that should not lead us to escape from the reality of life in its routine, mundane existence and the challenges that it presents.

To live only for pleasure, going from one high to the next, dismissing everything else in between as insignificant and irrelevant.

Or worse, relying on substances, people and activity to run away from what is undesirable in life, creating a make-believe world, editing out all the unsavoury, unwanted bits.

Real life can be painful and downright difficult, hard to make sense of at times, but we should never be defeated by it nor should we go into denial and stay there, buffered by a substance-induced fog.

Instead we can learn to live in the reality of life, relying on Jesus (who is the ultimate model of courage and sacrificial love) for the strength and wisdom to embrace the experience and use it to transform us into more human and humane beings.

God never promised a life without suffering, but if we trust in Him, then we will be given what is necessary to grab adversity by the horns and deal with it in a constructive, life-enriching manner.

So seek Him in all things and allow Him to transform reality into something new, making each day an Easter experience.