Silent revelations

I I find that the COVID-19 pandemic as turned me into a bit of a hermit. I shun most social activities and I rarely go out, save for necessary activities like dropping the grandkids off at school, teaching or grocery shopping (early morning forays to avoid the crowds). So 2021 has been a social washout for just as I was starting to poke my head out of my shell, along comes Omicron.

I do feel bad that I have been a ghost in my community and a phantom friend to my friends, but I do it for two reasons, one is my 88 year old mother and the other is my grandkids who are under five years old. I know I will eventually get COVID, but I would rather it be later than sooner for I don’t want to be the source of infection in my family; and if I were, then I would wish that my mother would have been sufficiently “boostered” not to suffer too greatly if she got it, and likewise, the grandkids were vaccinated so that their disease would be mild and they would not get long COVID which has life-long damaging health consequences.  

At my community Christmas gathering which I Zoomed in for, we had a time for reflection on what would be areas of distraction that prevented me from being close to the Christ child and what was God’s invitation to me? 

I have to admit to COVID anxiety which puts me on edge and keeps me from being a more patient and understanding person. I am decidedly crabby to those around me. One of the other identified distractions is the sense of failure that being invisible to community and friends has given me. I feel guilt which is not helpful at all for it stops me from trying harder to connect with people. I have already failed so why bother? 

Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of my fears, recognizing, at the same time that some of them are unfounded. Yet I still choose to be overly cautious for sorry in this instance would be the possible loss of people who matter most to me. So what is the Christ child inviting me to do in the dark stables where He lays? How can I live fully where I find myself situated?

The invitation is to silence the fears and anxieties by learning to live with them, without allowing them to overwhelm me. I also need to break the silence and express myself in creative ways: to let others know that I do think of them and daily pray for them. It is hope I carry into the new year, the hope that the birth of Jesus brings. He is the light in the darkness and I, too, can shine His light into the darkness of others. But first, I need to find His light, His holiness in the silent nights of my heart then go forth with it with holy peace and joy.

Coz

Loving you has been my blessing

An extraordinary gift from God to me.

So letting you go is all not so easy to do

You may not be here physically- it’s been a year

Yet in my consciousness you reside

Those last days a suffocating weight

Infused forever with salty sorrow and bitter pain.

I miss you the size of Mauna Loa

Even through the joys and laughter every day

Not many will know the loss your death has dealt

You, my secret keeper and spiritual cheerleader

So what is Jesus saying to me in all this?

What lessons must I apply as I journey on?

There are days I fear I lack your wisdom

Unsure of myself, transmuted by grief

Silly, I know, for His light will always guide me

And you are simply a thought away

Still dispensing imaginary but great advice

I thank Him you were present from the beginning

And I am glad I could be there for you at the end.

Good grief

I dreamt of E last night and in it she was dying and in the last few weeks of her life, which is about where we are this time last year. I think of E every day and I miss her, but these last few weeks have been especially difficult. I find myself crying at random moments, like when the car is idling at the stop light. Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem Time does not bring relief; you all have lied resonates so strongly with me for my grief is as fresh and strong as it was when she left.

Life goes on for it has to, but the loss of a loved one marks you for life. The grief is real, the grief is intense and it will never be over. I will never get over this loss until the day I die, and I don’t want to, for I loved her too deeply to ever hope to forget her. She was so much more than a cousin to me and I still question God why she had to leave so soon for she had so much more life to live.

Sure, I know that she is probably doing more good now in heaven, that she is ministering to more people in countless ways. Sure, I know we will be reunited eventually and we are actually reunited at every mass I celebrate, but it’s not the same. I want to hear her voice, see her smile, enjoy eating a meal together with her. I MISS HER. There is a huge void in my life that can never be filled.

So what do I do with all my grief? Mostly I keep it buried deep inside, and I keep it under tight control. I don’t allow myself to fall into depression for I know she wouldn’t have wanted that. In mourning my loss, I try to honour who she was by living out my faith as completely and radically as she did hers. I know she would have liked that for she has always pointed me to Jesus, the great love of her life.

As for the sadness, and all the tears shed and unshed, I offer it all up to Jesus, to somehow make it count and make my life more meaningful. Oddly it works. I am more grateful for my relationships, the many people whom I love. Knowing that time is finite I strive to be more loving and forgiving. And when I don’t feel charitable at all, I can hear E’s quiet voice coaxing me to be less judgmental and critical, to be a better version of me. Just as I lost her, I can lose others I love as easily. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Beyond my self-pity I do thank the Almighty for the wonderful treasure E has been to me and still is. Yes, she is gone, but she is not forgotten, and in remembering her and what she stands for, I am strengthened to continue to walk with faith and integrity, with joy, hope and love in my heart.  

In remembrance of lemon tea days

Today is the first anniversary of the death of W. He has been on my mind these last couple of weeks for I remember his last weeks quite clearly. The slow deterioration from eating to not eating, drinking to not drinking, sliding in and out of consciousness to an eventual coma, and to slipping away on one final breath. 

Dying is a grim business, a slow wait filled with discomfort and pain, fear and anxiety, mostly lying alone in bed with one’s depressed thoughts for company. For W, he also found himself dying in a strange land with no family around, although he had a few good friends and clients who became friends. 

W moved to Singapore from Japan to work in the 1980s. He did well in the initial years until the Asian financial crisis and an ensuing series of unfortunate incidents through the years that led to him not even having a place to stay mere months after the COVID-19 pandemic wreaked economic havoc worldwide. Just when things couldn’t get worse, he discovered he had terminal cancer. Two months after his diagnosis, he died. 

What I marvel most in reviewing those days is how he accepted the Lord and asked to be baptized just three days before he died. W had experienced the love of Christ through many Christians in the last 10 months of his life and he was not able to fathom the reason for it. Yet he still baulked at baptism mainly because he desired his place of rest to be in his hometown. together with all his deceased family members. He thought that becoming Christian would prevent that from happening. He was finally convinced that fateful Sunday morning to take the plunge.

I thank God for His impeccable timing, as always, and for allowing me the opportunity to get to know W. Although he was prone to making mistakes in his latter working days, I will always remember him for his graciousness, humility and integrity. Despite straitened circumstances he was never tempted to increase the amount of commission to benefit himself. He believed in delivering the best service to his customers and he strove to do that with honesty and gentle sincerity. Thank you W-san for all that you were. I miss our conversations about pearls, music and food. You are fondly remembered and missed, especially today. Mata ne. 

Perfecting boundaries

 J loves this library book called The Perfect Picnic by Clara Flood and it has been read and borrowed again multiple times. It’s about a squirrel and a mole who are neighbours and the best of friends, and who do everything together. 

Squirrel wanted to go on a picnic one day and Mole agreed. Even though Mole preferred his sandwiches buttered he gave in amiably to Squirrel’s idea of perfect picnic food which included unbuttered sandwiches. 

With Mole carrying the loaded picnic bag pack, they set out to find the perfect picnic spot. Unfortunately the bottom of the bag was ripped opened by brambles at the start of their journey and as they trekked around, mostly in a circle, seeking the perfect spot, they unknowingly lose one item at a time.  

Every place they go to Squirrel finds fault with it: too sunny, too shady, too gusty, too busy… Eventually they end up in the meadow, the first place they had found but was earlier deemed too sunny by Squirrel who now declares it perfect, only to find they have lost every item in the bag. 

Squirrel reacts with great dismay. Her picnic is ruined. She and Mole are next greeted by a stream of animals who had found a dropped item each and had come to return it, albeit in less than pristine condition, and in the case of the crackers, most of it consumed. 

Squirrel is still inconsolable while the animals set about trying to make things right: heating up the cold tea, mending the chipped plates, cutting the smashed cake into slices and brushing sand off the sandwiches. Finally they all sit down together and end up having a wonderful time. The story ends with Squirrel saying yes to another picnic, but this time, with buttered sandwiches as suggested by Mole. 

I love this story as much as J for it holds so many truths about human behaviour; about love, friendship, the kindness of strangers and what perfection actually is. 

I find as I grow older, I tend to be like Squirrel. I know exactly what I want and I put in effort to have it just so. When perfection doesn’t happen I get bent out of shape which makes me irritable and difficult. I often throw compassion and empathy out the window in my quest for perfection and especially when I don’t get it. It takes me great effort to see what’s happening and to respond in a more mature fashion so that I can be a joy (which I truly want) than to be a pain (which I often am). 

In rereading the book on Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, my personal takeaway this time is how important it is to constantly examine and adjust my internal boundaries in order to establish healthy external ones. 

It’s therefore important to know who I am, what I stand for, and the person I truly want to be before I begin to interact with people around me, especially my loved ones. The recipe to successful boundary-making which Cloud and Townsend encourage involves values and calls to action we find richly scattered in the Bible such as: accountability, responsibility, mutual respect, the frequent practice of forgiveness, clarifying inner motivations, responding intentionally rather than reacting impulsively, and, most importantly, making the decision to love in the freedom of God’s truth and love as a beloved child of God.  

We may not be able to fix all things, and it may take plenty of time, patience and effort, but boundaries are worth building for they allow us to be good, committed Christians. 

Through her research Brene Brown found a high correlation between boundaries and compassion. She talks about how boundaries are the key to self-love and to treating others with love and kindness, and how empathy, which is compassion lived out in concrete ways, is not finite. “If you’ve done your work and set your boundaries you can tread that water forever.”

Part of the work involves a generosity of spirit to assume that people are doing the best they can - all the time. This helps us make our own lives better for the first life we change is our own, we change how we look at things and deal with issues. So the BIG question to keep asking ourselves Brown recommends is: what boundaries need to be in place for me to keep my integrity and yet make the most generous assumptions about you.  

Building boundaries is no easy task, but it is very necessary to ensure we remain generous, compassionate and loving people without suffering from resentment or burnout. It requires guts and wisdom: to know when to speak up and when to remain silent. So cultivate a great relationship with the Holy Spirit in order to know when, where, and how to behave with gutsy integrity that will not only glorify the Father, but allow you to live with inner peace.

Like Mole, I need to love the squirrels in my life for who they are and yet be able to gently and judiciously establish boundaries in order to ensure a healthy balance in relationship with them. 

Like Squirrel, I need to enjoy the journey more rather than allow the idea of perfection dictate my actions, also to recognize when I have overstepped my boundaries, and to ultimately enjoy the serendipity of life’s many and unexpected surprises.  

Departures

While July has been a month of many celebrations with birthdays galore, including my own (thanks to everyone who showed love through well wishes, lunches and awesome gifts such as a newly planted milo* tree in the Laie forest with my name on it), it has also been a season of sunset upsets. 

 There have been ailing, elderly relatives, and friends of my parents who over the course of these last two weeks have passed on. There are also relatives of friends who have succumbed to the virulent Delta variant of the COVID-19. 

 The safe distancing measures and travel restrictions in place mean that we can no longer hop on a plane to go see someone we love face to face one last time and say goodbye properly. It is immensely frustrating for phone calls and texts don’t quite cut it for me. I want to be able to hold someone’s hand, and kiss and hug them good-bye, but that is really just me. 

 At the back of my mind I know that the most precious gift I can give someone I cannot see is prayer: that they don’t suffer too much; for inner peace and courage, even joy during this difficult time. 

I pray that their illness or dying can still be seasons of grace with Jesus walking by their side. 

 I pray for both the dying and the living, for those who will be left behind. 

I pray for the miracle of healing in whichever form the Lord chooses to dispense. 

I pray for reconciliation. And I continue to pray for those who have returned to the Lord, and for those who are left grieving. 

Godspeed dear Uncle F, Auntie S, and just this evening, Uncle H. May Jesus walk you into Paradise where you will all enjoy eternal rest which, I am sure, involves having a good time.  

 * Thespesia populnea, more commonly known as a Pacific rosewood, portia or Indian tulip tree.

A father’s blessing

P and I just finished an online retreat yesterday run by the Montfort Centre called Paternal Heart which we decided to attend this year being the Year of Saint Joseph as declared by Pope Francis. It was an affirming time with the Father, not just God the Father, but also Saint Joseph, and my earthly father.  I would recommend this to anyone who is seeking to know more about the heart of the Father. It was truly a time of great blessing. 

And today being Father’s Day, I dedicate one of my retreat reflections to my father who is now in heaven with our Father.  

Thank you, Daddy, for loving me

In your special, broken way

Without your tough love I wouldn’t be

Who I am today, strong and fearless 

In love with the Father, Son and Spirit.

Yearning always to do what is right and good

In your eyes as reflected in His eyes. 

Thank you, Abba, for loving me

Through this gift of my father

His deep faith in you grew mine

A fruit of epic abundance.

We are blessed by your chesed*

Your breath of life that gave us both the space 

To run free into your waiting arms.

* Hebrew for loving kindness between people and God and vice versa.

Aloha nui loa

Remembering you this bright, sunny day

Sad relief mixed in with much gratitude 

At how your life was such a testament 

To Jesus and the way He loves so concretely;

How you made my life just that much lovelier 

The clarity you brought me with your loving wisdom.

Miss you dearest coz and wish you were here

Yet glad that you are with your Beloved now

And praying for all of us who need it.

Look forward to when I will see you again

Till then aloha nui loa*.

* Hawaiian for much love or all my love.

Father, Son and Spirit power

We just celebrated the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, a feast day in praise of the gifts of God who is the Lover; the Son, Jesus, who is the Beloved; and the Holy Spirit who is Love. I like how Father Johan put it, the Spirit who is the personification of every act of love. I needn’t be so smug at every act of love performed successfully, it is the Holy Spirit working in me.

Pope Francis tweeted this: The Holy Spirit impels us to love not only those who love us and think as we do, but to love everyone, even as Jesus taught us. He enables us to forgive our enemies and the wrongs we have endured. He inspires us to be active and creative in love. 

This is the crux of Christian love, it is not just the acts of love that are easy to perform, for people whom we love and who love us in return, those are the low hanging fruit that pose no challenge spiritually. 

We are called to love as Jesus encouraged us to do and actually did: He forgave those who maliciously hurt Him in every way imaginable before putting Him to death. It is all not so easy to put into action. 

Inside of me is this internal voice that never keeps silent when I feel aggrieved, unhappy or dissatisfied with something or someone. It tells me how I should feel, what I should say, how I should react self-righteously and sometimes I do let it dictate my actions, but often to my regret for it is usually not the most loving thing to say or do. I often end up acting like a child with no impulse control. 

The better way, the hard way, is to take a moment in my rage and make the mature decision to die to self. This means disarming that inner voice and giving the Holy Spirit space to operate freely. The inspiration to act in love will come (pray, pray, pray away the anger and hurt). 

When I allow the Spirit to talk to me and He tells me what I should do, which I may do quite unwillingly, still disgruntled and outraged at the injustice done to me, I give the Spirit authority, power to stretch me out of egoistic self to always do the right thing. 

This is where the magic happens. What I say and do with the Holy Spirit acting in me often surprises me for I didn’t know I had that kind of love living within me. And, somehow, that act of love teased out of me changes me for the better. I feel good about myself, very empowered, plus friction was averted, it’s a total win-win situation. 

This is sanctification, the Spirit inspired goodness that I receive and give to the other who ‘wronged’ me. It is a love that is inclusive, that allows me to forgive the other and seek for ways to mend the breach, real or imagined. 

It is alive and full of creativity, it shows me the many ways I can act in love and turn any situation around. I won’t always succeed, and it could take a while, but I should never give up in trying to live out this love of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit which already resides within me. I just need to let it out more and more. And when I do, I resemble my Creator most, in image and likeness. 

May the Father, Son and Spirit be with you today. 

Becoming discerning disciples

This is the year of discernment for all of us who are part of the Glory of God International Covenant Community (GOGICC), which the ICPE Mission falls under. We are encouraged to do the consciousness examen* (an excellent method of discernment) every day so that we become sensitive to God’s promptings in our hearts and therefore know the Father’s heart.

Last Saturday, this message was reinforced at the General Assembly of the GOGICC via Zoom and it was inspiring to not only hear the testimonies of a couple and one sister from Malta and Korea respectively, but to see what the leaders had to say about discernment.

First of all, we were all reminded that following Christ was not easy for it required the ability to discern His will, and to have the enduring strength to go where He leads. Be prepared to be misunderstood by the rest of the world, even scorned and attacked. Nevertheless, hold fast to Christ and the process of knowing His will which will lead us to seek carefully the highest good, to detect grace in all things, and to ultimately respond to God in freedom. 

When we consciously and regularly contemplate Jesus in our day, this soon becomes our way of being, of doing, and of knowing. We consequently act in freedom and in love regardless of where we find ourselves in life for our enhanced self-knowledge and awareness enables us to see unvarnished and perhaps unwelcome truths and respond to them with great spiritual maturity. 

It is as if we can come out of ourselves, our flawed identities which are amalgams of our personalities, prejudices, fears and past experiences, and we are able to be the better person in the situation always, the best Jesus wannabe ever, even when we are seething with anger, frustration or hurt within. 

Don’t worry if you get it wrong, you will, invariably. The focus is not on making perfect decisions but on growing an intimate relationship with God. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 27 puts it: The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. 

Just as He draws us to Himself all the time, we need to lean into Him constantly in harmonious synchronicity. And when we do, we won’t veer too far off the narrow path. We will, as Saint Ignatius puts it: I want and I choose what better leads me to God’s deepening life in me.  

As we become more attuned to the truth that God can be found in everyone, every place and everything, then we will become more thankful and reverent, more devoted to God, more deeply in love with our Creator. 

We will thus be at peace with the world, even if it is at war with us for we can always identify movements in our hearts that lead us to love God, serve and honour Him more and more. Be still, and listen.

*  For a quick take on the consciousness examen, go to https://kahalableu.blogspot.com/2009/03/

Exuding Christ’s authority

Yesterday during a retreat run by the Office For Catechesis for catechists in the Singapore archdiocese, one of the speakers, Edwyn de Souza, spoke about authority, what was it about the authority of Jesus that even demons feared and respected. The Greek word for authority is exousia which means something that flows from your very own being. This authority, this power flows when “your insides matched your outsides”.

Jesus embodied this authority for His was a life lived in and with integrity. Through the example of His life, we see how Jesus lived and breathed the good news of salvation, how He taught hope, how His healings brought new life, and how His unconditional love converted the hearts of even the most hardened of sinners. His every word and action radiated light, brought clarity, unity, and glorified the Father who only wants us, His children, to be one with Him in joy and love. 

If we are truly His disciples, then we must do the same. We need to teach the world how to love as He did by exercising this authority of Jesus and allowing His truths to flow out from our very beings. Sound good but it is not as easy as it sounds, I agree. 

Unlike Jesus we don’t have the privilege of being fully divine as He was. And yet, we can make choices that lead us down the road towards sainthood. The wounds of Jesus were caused by our sins, wounds He took on willingly to redeem our sins. If we meditate on His wounds, and if we are open to receiving the Holy Spirit (through prayer), then we are a step closer to integration each day. 

Edwyn also encouraged all present online to be open to intentional authentic conversations with authentic people we have allowed in our lives to journey with us. So find those people in your life and let them touch your wounds, trusting them to speak truths into your life with love, and reciprocating in kind. 

Truth may not be comfortable or sit well at times, but it’s not about feeling good and feeling safe all the time. Instead, it is about spiritual adventure, going places and creating change, much like the actions of the disciples we read about in the Acts of the Apostles that display the fervour and attendant miracles of exousia.

Seek integrity, seek the love of Christ which is all about cracking open one’s life and giving it away with abandonment. Along the way you will find authority and the ability to move hearts and minds just by being you.

Creating beauty

 I had a revelation last evening during my cell group meeting. We were doing the examen of consciousness and we took three questions on board for 15 minutes: What was I grateful for today and yesterday, what I was not grateful for and what is God speaking into my future? 

I was grateful for where I have been placed, the mission fields of family, knowing I am exactly I should be. There were so many signs of affirmation that flooded my consciousness last night that I was immensely thankful for the thing I was not so grateful for is the impact on my health. I have difficulty getting sufficient rest, my energy levels are low, I look haggard and old, not to mention the physical aches and pains that remind me of the unfair demands I have placed on my body, and I yearn simply for a night of good rest, and to wake up refreshed and bright eyed. 

At the same time I acknowledge that all this, the physical challenges are part of the whole package. D once said that in order to experience the thrill of riding the waves, one has to be out in the water paddling on a surfboard 90 per cent of the time. What came to me was that 90 per cent of paddling was gruelling work that had to impact the body somehow , and not always in a positive manner. 

So what did my future hold? God wants me to work at creating beauty in the world. The beauty of the created world has always spoken to me of God. I find Him especially in gardens where trees not only give shade but bear fruit; where flowers of every hue bloom and delicious scents are given off. Gardening is hard work as I have found out these last few weekends where I have been trying to work on my neglected garden. Some of my plants have needed to be relocated to thrive, while others needed fertilizing to be encouraged to flower. Essentially more constant TLC is needed as well as post-gardening self care.

Apart from working on my physical garden in creating beauty which gives me joy a great satisfaction, and refreshes my spirit, the beauty I am to bring to the world is bigger than my neighbourhood and involves my gift of writing. It is no coincidence that I just watched episode one of YWAM’s Fragrance of Faith* documentary series which shares the stories of people who have stepped out in faith and obedience, and did whatever they felt the Lord tell them to do, despite the hardships.  Do watch it for it is truly awe  inspiring. It was also, for me, a huge confirmation of what I discovered, or should I say, rediscovered, last night. 

The call to create beauty in this world is not just mine, but one for every believer of Christ. How I do it will be a little different from how you do it, but nevertheless it is something we each will do if we believe in Him and in so doing, we will spread this fragrance of faith to the ends of the earth, if I may so humbly borrow the title of YWAM’s series. 

* https://ywam.org/news/fragrance-of-faith-documentary-series-on-ywam/