Making marriage holy

Sometimes I feel like how Saint Peter must have felt when he was older and experiencing what was prophesied about him, that he would be led to go where he did not want to go. Married life is a little like that. And sometimes, it is a lot like that. 

My time is no longer my own. I have to consider a whole lot more than just my individual wants and needs. I even have to do things I would normally avoid just because I really don’t like doing them, but now, it isn’t really a choice if my preeminent choice is marriage. It is definitely character building. More importantly, it is what it means to be a practising Christian which is what I have tried to be, especially in these last 15 years. NB: it doesn’t get easier with the years.

Following Christ means I don’t get to pick and choose what I like to do, I pick and choose what He wills in my life, and that often means I have to go out there and stretch myself. Get uncomfortable, even completely stressed out. At times, suffer consequences not of my own making. Sacrifice my personal preferences and tastes in order to build relationships. Deal with the inevitable tensions of living under one roof as a family.

There are days I get overwhelmed. And there are days when I am really not having much fun. This is when I have to remind myself to count my blessings, for the Lord has been gracious in His provender. I am dearly loved by the Father who has given me every good thing today. Never mind the occasional thunderstorm. It can bring relief of sorts and manifold blessings. The goodness is there even when I cannot see it or appreciate it as such in the present moment.

Having just celebrated the Feast of All Saints recently, I wonder how the saints did it? How does one live with constant physical pain or the emotional suffering that Saint Bernadette received at the hands of those who rejected and ridiculed her? How did Saint Monica withstand her violent husband and his pagan ways, and the apostasy of her brilliant son Augustine for long years without taking to her bed permanently? How did Saint Maximilian Kolbe make the decision to give his life up for another and live out those last excruciating 14 days of his existence in an underground bunker without food and water? How did Saint Maria Goretti forgive the man who almost raped her only to die from the 14 grievous stab wounds he later inflicted? How did Saint Teresa of Calcutta persist in her vocation so faithfully for years on end even when she no longer experienced the consolation of the Lord’s presence in her life? 

How does one cultivate the right disposition to always desire the better of the other, to subsume one’s own needs to the point where it may not be personally salubrious? It is clear that it has nothing to do with feelings but it is a daily decision, a willingness to act a certain way: to be holy as our Father in heaven is holy. This is our mandate as Christians, to aspire to holiness as a state of being that comes from loving God and others as much as God loves us. It calls, often, for death by crucifixion. It isn’t about putting on the benign and serene face we often find on a saint’s prayer card, but it means the willingness to choose a humiliating, ugly, painful and oftentimes inconvenient way of life.  Loving others requires purpose, courage and constancy to keep on doing what we are asked to do despite how we feel, especially when others are unappreciative and we are even vilified for doing what is right.

Yesterday’s first reading from Saint Paul’s letter to Titus (2:1-8,11-14) give us a good idea of what holiness entails:

But as for you, teach what befits sound doctrine. Bid the older men be temperate, serious, sensible, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Bid the older women likewise to be reverent in behaviour, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, chaste, domestic, kind, and submissive to their husbands, that the word of God may not be discredited. Likewise urge the younger men to control themselves. Show yourself in all respects a model of good deeds, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, and sound speech that cannot be censured, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us. For the grace of God has appeared for the salvation of all men, training us to renounce irreligion and worldly passions, and to live sober, upright, and godly lives in this world, awaiting our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all iniquity and to purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.

And as Luke chapter 17 verse 10 reminds us when we think we have done enough already, or reached the heights of holiness: We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.

It is never enough. Our duty is never done. We can always do more. Lest you begin to believe that loving God is all work, and all about carrying out good works, or that to live sober, upright and godly lives translates into a life devoid of fun, joy and pleasure, think again.

Jesus is my delight. He is the one whom I love for having loved me first with such tenderness and generosity. Following Him brings me great satisfaction, deep joy and peace of mind. I am happy to bring Him delight, not just to repay Him for all He has given me, but also because I love Him dearly and I want to please Him. So doing His will gives me pleasure even when it is challenging. This truth of joyful love is the hook I need to hang my aspirations of sainthood on.

While I may be a little stressed out right now, I recognize that marriage has been enriching, fulfilling, and has filled me with unimaginable joy. I know that even as good as my marriage is, as many pleasures it affords me, there are areas which bear improving, plus rough times ahead (no good marriage comes without those), while weeping tears of frustration are to be expected at times. When it gets too much, I just redirect control to Jesus by laying everything at His feet; my desires, my jangled emotions, my tears and all, and say to Him, do with it what You will, Lord.

I also remember to thank God every day for everything good (and bad) that has happened in the day, for all the people in my life now, especially P, and to keep on climbing the mountain to holiness. If I stumble at times, so be it. As long as I get up and get going again even when I feel like giving up, for I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Come what may, I will stand my ground and stay the course. Accept my crosses with passion, asking humbly for wisdom and mercy to know how to carry them. To be holy is to be so in love with Jesus that I would die for Him gladly. Give me the grace to die again and again for you, Lord, like all the saints who have before me.