Honouring myself

You need to honour yourself, give yourself the time and space to be you, if not, you will get burnt out and lose yourself, she told me. Hmmmm, sage advice, and I have, most recently, been trying to do just that, that is, finding the right balance between honouring my spouse and my marriage, and myself. 

It has been my wont to go full speed ahead and throw myself into life wholeheartedly, often to the detriment of my own well-being. So why would I stop when I got married, especially since married life opened the door to a whole new world of complexities in a alien landscape?

Trying to acclimate to this new environment has been fraught with struggle, and I suspect I will never stop struggling just because that’s what participating in life, being fully engaged in relationships means. There’s always something new ahead, there’s always something that will pull the rug from under your feet just when you thought you have a handle on life. 

Determined to love in a vulnerable, open, giving, selfless manner as described by JP2 in Theology of the Body, I have subsumed my own needs greatly, which was the right thing to do in these first two years of marriage in order to bring unity and harmony, and to bond not just with P, but even Max, the family dog. I am grateful for all the blessings, all the joy, even all the frustrations that have come it of this period of my life. 

When I fall into the abyss of despair, I remind myself first of all, this is not where God wants me to be, living life to the full means much more than just honouring my gifts and talents as a disciple of God, it means a willingness to allow myself to be moulded and refined, which is often not an enjoyable or pain-free process. Mary was told explicitly her soul would be pierced with a sword for being the Mother of Christ and she experienced just that, all the way to Calvary. But just as loving involves pain, sorrow and loss, it also encompasses joy, laughter, fulfilment, a richness in living out the Kingdom of God actively, and finally, the deep satisfaction of self-actualization, of becoming who I am created to be.

Thus I need to keep on relying fully on God, and God alone, to lay my head on Jesus’ chest and wail out my sorrows, and to say to our Blessed Mother the words Saint Teresa of Calcutta highly recommended: Mary, Mother of Jesus, please be a mother to me.

So to honour myself, I will take more QT (quiet time) breaks to water my soul and strengthen my spirit, and to do what gives me joy more frequently such as reading, baking, playing with baby J, and spending time with my Mother. I will honour myself by loving myself more for if I cannot love myself, then I will not have the wherewithal to love others as they deserve to be loved. 

Stop and smell

What are you doing Daughter asked puzzled

Two old ladies stopping stooping over the roses

Communing with the pretty velvety faces

Resplendent in ruby, buttercup and cotton candy

Why we are smelling the roses of course

Contemplating their delightful perfume

Drinking in their gone tomorrow beauty  

Life is good He made it very good

Shouldn’t we celebrate

He’s given us at least five senses

Using them makes perfect sense

How else can we thank Him

For His Floral Songs that enrich our lives

Pleasure is a damask rose in bloom

The scent of my mother’s gentle heart 

Remember to stop and smell

Horrible as life is all will be well

Making marriage holy

Sometimes I feel like how Saint Peter must have felt when he was older and experiencing what was prophesied about him, that he would be led to go where he did not want to go. Married life is a little like that. And sometimes, it is a lot like that. 

My time is no longer my own. I have to consider a whole lot more than just my individual wants and needs. I even have to do things I would normally avoid just because I really don’t like doing them, but now, it isn’t really a choice if my preeminent choice is marriage. It is definitely character building. More importantly, it is what it means to be a practising Christian which is what I have tried to be, especially in these last 15 years. NB: it doesn’t get easier with the years.

Following Christ means I don’t get to pick and choose what I like to do, I pick and choose what He wills in my life, and that often means I have to go out there and stretch myself. Get uncomfortable, even completely stressed out. At times, suffer consequences not of my own making. Sacrifice my personal preferences and tastes in order to build relationships. Deal with the inevitable tensions of living under one roof as a family.

There are days I get overwhelmed. And there are days when I am really not having much fun. This is when I have to remind myself to count my blessings, for the Lord has been gracious in His provender. I am dearly loved by the Father who has given me every good thing today. Never mind the occasional thunderstorm. It can bring relief of sorts and manifold blessings. The goodness is there even when I cannot see it or appreciate it as such in the present moment.

Having just celebrated the Feast of All Saints recently, I wonder how the saints did it? How does one live with constant physical pain or the emotional suffering that Saint Bernadette received at the hands of those who rejected and ridiculed her? How did Saint Monica withstand her violent husband and his pagan ways, and the apostasy of her brilliant son Augustine for long years without taking to her bed permanently? How did Saint Maximilian Kolbe make the decision to give his life up for another and live out those last excruciating 14 days of his existence in an underground bunker without food and water? How did Saint Maria Goretti forgive the man who almost raped her only to die from the 14 grievous stab wounds he later inflicted? How did Saint Teresa of Calcutta persist in her vocation so faithfully for years on end even when she no longer experienced the consolation of the Lord’s presence in her life? 

How does one cultivate the right disposition to always desire the better of the other, to subsume one’s own needs to the point where it may not be personally salubrious? It is clear that it has nothing to do with feelings but it is a daily decision, a willingness to act a certain way: to be holy as our Father in heaven is holy. This is our mandate as Christians, to aspire to holiness as a state of being that comes from loving God and others as much as God loves us. It calls, often, for death by crucifixion. It isn’t about putting on the benign and serene face we often find on a saint’s prayer card, but it means the willingness to choose a humiliating, ugly, painful and oftentimes inconvenient way of life.  Loving others requires purpose, courage and constancy to keep on doing what we are asked to do despite how we feel, especially when others are unappreciative and we are even vilified for doing what is right.

Yesterday’s first reading from Saint Paul’s letter to Titus (2:1-8,11-14) give us a good idea of what holiness entails:

But as for you, teach what befits sound doctrine. Bid the older men be temperate, serious, sensible, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Bid the older women likewise to be reverent in behaviour, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be sensible, chaste, domestic, kind, and submissive to their husbands, that the word of God may not be discredited. Likewise urge the younger men to control themselves. Show yourself in all respects a model of good deeds, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, and sound speech that cannot be censured, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us. For the grace of God has appeared for the salvation of all men, training us to renounce irreligion and worldly passions, and to live sober, upright, and godly lives in this world, awaiting our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all iniquity and to purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.

And as Luke chapter 17 verse 10 reminds us when we think we have done enough already, or reached the heights of holiness: We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.

It is never enough. Our duty is never done. We can always do more. Lest you begin to believe that loving God is all work, and all about carrying out good works, or that to live sober, upright and godly lives translates into a life devoid of fun, joy and pleasure, think again.

Jesus is my delight. He is the one whom I love for having loved me first with such tenderness and generosity. Following Him brings me great satisfaction, deep joy and peace of mind. I am happy to bring Him delight, not just to repay Him for all He has given me, but also because I love Him dearly and I want to please Him. So doing His will gives me pleasure even when it is challenging. This truth of joyful love is the hook I need to hang my aspirations of sainthood on.

While I may be a little stressed out right now, I recognize that marriage has been enriching, fulfilling, and has filled me with unimaginable joy. I know that even as good as my marriage is, as many pleasures it affords me, there are areas which bear improving, plus rough times ahead (no good marriage comes without those), while weeping tears of frustration are to be expected at times. When it gets too much, I just redirect control to Jesus by laying everything at His feet; my desires, my jangled emotions, my tears and all, and say to Him, do with it what You will, Lord.

I also remember to thank God every day for everything good (and bad) that has happened in the day, for all the people in my life now, especially P, and to keep on climbing the mountain to holiness. If I stumble at times, so be it. As long as I get up and get going again even when I feel like giving up, for I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Come what may, I will stand my ground and stay the course. Accept my crosses with passion, asking humbly for wisdom and mercy to know how to carry them. To be holy is to be so in love with Jesus that I would die for Him gladly. Give me the grace to die again and again for you, Lord, like all the saints who have before me. 

It is well with my soul

During my cell group meeting some Mondays ago, S commented that she felt the love of the community during the covenant celebration for everyone was just pitching in and doing what needed to be done so that it was a beautiful and meaningful Eucharistic celebration and ceremony. She was greatly edified. Being a busy mum herself, she was touched that K and S who are busy working mothers had taken time off their busy schedules to paint and create personalised gifts for those who were taking their covenant or commitment. 

She contrasted it with past experience, where instead of cheerfully working together to get things done, people tended to avoid responsibility, especially for thankless jobs like putting out chairs and cleaning up after. 

I guess I am very blessed for I hit pay dirt the first time. I can still remember clearly when I arrived in Bangalore for the Pastoral Counselling School in 2003, how the smiling, friendly face of G greeted me at the retreat centre where we were staying and subsequently how everyone was so warm and hospitable. 

I felt accepted and loved for who I was, part of God’s family. I felt at home in the company of strangers which was a novel and wondrous experience for being highly introverted, I am never very comfortable with lots of people, especially strangers. E was the only person I knew there. It was the modelling of Christian love amongst the missionaries and attendees that showed me how the early Christian communities must have loved each other and those around them post-Pentecost. So this is how much God loves me, and this experience of the Father’s all-merciful love meant one thing only, I wished to dwell in the presence of the Lord, in His courts all the days of my life. 

So I found community and ministry, not just with the ICPE Mission, but within my parish as well. I was equally blessed to work alongside great people wherever I was involved. A and K showed me how mature Christian women bore witness to the world. Their deep love and passion for Jesus was infectious and inspiring. D and P revealed to me how good Christian men served the Lord with selfless integrity and gentleness, so unlike my experience of men who were selfish and harsh. No road is too rocky, no menial task so unpleasant, no hardship so insurmountable that it would be avoided or arrowed*. 

We go on mission, as Father Greg pointed out, with Jesus. Yoked with Him, things can be easy, our burden light. This does not exclude difficulties and suffering, far from it, for a follower of Christ has a cross, as Christ had one. But if we are willing to take up our cross and follow Him, we know, with surety, that the cross will always triumph and death will give way to resurrection. We know that eternal life will be rewarding because we ourselves have been privileged to have tasted the sweetness here. 

I first tasted God’s merciful, nurturing love in Bangalore and I was hooked. I finally realized my identity as a child of God and it was awesome. I discovered that Father God had always been looking out for me. Jesus had always been there, calling me by name, waiting for me to turn around and recognize Him. I was finally able to fully receive the gift of the Holy Spirit given to me at baptism and confirmation, and to allow Him to direct my days.

When one attempts to live in the Spirit, one is given insight to know what is the better option in any given situation, and to have the necessary strength of character to take it... eventually. Over the years, I have found myself able to make unselfish choices without resentment because my only desire is for the Lord’s goodness. It is still an uphill battle for knowing and doing are two separate things altogether.

Knowing what Jesus wants can be a burden at times; spirits do flag, dark nights do exist, and it can seem unfair and impossible to keep having to choose the better part. There are days I complain haven’t I done enough, why is it me who has to be the bigger person, who has to be magnanimous? Why? Must I keep giving my two mites, my livelihood, can’t I just reserve some for myself? 

I tend to forget that whenever I am generous with God, He outmatches me in generosity. His love is like the pouring rain last night, coming down in sheets of luscious raindrops, watering the arid soil of my soul such that it is well with my soul. Nothing can shake me. As D would say steady pom pi  pi. I am also reminded of the story of how Horatio Spafford who penned the classic hymn It is well with my soul wrote the beautiful lyrics after he himself suffered the death of his son, financial ruin, and, finally, the death of all his four daughters in an accident at sea.

Tragedy, loss and suffering cannot overcome us. Hardship and hard work are a given in this life, and yet, there are hidden joys and many benefits in overcoming hardship and doing a job well. So we stand and face our giants. We cast the puny stone with stout heart and the deadly accuracy given to us by the Holy Spirit when we reside within Him.

Cultivating a true missionary spirit such as Spafford had, and all the saints that have gone before us, requires only one thing: keeping our hearts, mind, soul and strength on Jesus; loving Him to the death of our selfish tendencies, our egos, so that we take on His demeanour when we love others. 

Through it all, whatever will come, we are saved by faith and trust in Jesus. When we internalize that faith and trust, we become great missionaries who are not afraid to humble ourselves and go the extra mile to the very end, wherever He leads us. This is how we can then love everyone in our families and our communities, armed with the supernatural grace of the Spirit. On our own, we are nothing, and we can accomplish nothing. With Him, all and everything is within our reach, very possible. 

* To wrangle out of and shoot across an undesirable task to someone else, making it their responsibility.