Fifteen years on

I still remember the look in your eyes

The incipient sadness, hinting of defeat

So unlike your usual cocky self

Full of fight and steely determination

Your will, slowly eaten away by the cancer

That wielded a catastrophic toll 

A shell of a body, loose skin and bone

With petrified lungs, voice silenced 

You sat, waiting for death to intervene

We stood, and watched the futile battle

Drowning in helpless rage and sorrow.

I am bereft once again today

What would I have done differently? 

Would I have dared to say I love you?

Told you how much I would miss you...pining for you

Time heals all wounds, they say - what a crock! 

We merely paint on masks to hide the
Unseemly cracks of a bleeding, broken heart
Bottling up acrid regrets and searing grief.

You would be happy today if you were here

Your deepest wish for me has been fulfilled

God heard your fervent prayer (He truly did)

I am sure you would have liked him immensely

Loved him, even, for making me incredibly happy

My only consolation for now is this:

We will meet, once again, in eternal life

Join together never to part again.

Till then, I thank you, for giving me life,

Your high cheekbones and righteous, generous heart

Happy birthday Daddy.

And he loves me

I don’t know if he loves me, she said of her husband who obviously loved her enough to marry her and have three  beautiful children with her. They are still together and he’s an engaged husband and father so yes, of course, he still loves her. Maybe he doesn’t verbalize it, like most men, but his actions show he is fully into the marriage, into her.

What she shared is a question that does go through my mind off and on, and I am sure the minds of women the world over who are in relationships. It can be a real relationship killer for when I asked the same question some months back I was feeling unsure and insecure, a little fearful even. It tends to breed other unhealthy questions such as so why am I working so hard at the relationship when he doesn’t seem to notice or care, should I continue to bother for he clearly doesn’t, how can I make him love me? The hamster wheel spins a little faster.

If I allowed the question to fester, it would change the way I now function and that would not bode well for the relationship. I would descend into a needy and whiny child, constantly demanding proofs of love, and yet, unable to attain satisfaction for very long. I would seek to change him and do things that I swore I would not do in a relationship, that is, to be calculative, transactional, and psycho controlling.

My SD who has counselled many married Asian couples in his time had these words of wisdom to share with me some months  back: he will never say those words you want to hear in the way you want to hear them (so stop hankering after the man of the romcoms and K-dramas). SD recommended that I listen with all my senses, my heart, to hear the “words” of love my husband speaks to me. He is right. I am invited to look beyond the superficial, to discount the little things that irritate me or make me unhappy, and to discern the depth of my husband’s love by the things that he does and I simply take for granted. I am reminded to cherish  and love the whole package - of who he is and the peculiar circumstances of our lives - to love him for his faults, and not just in spite of his faults.

So he doesn’t switch the lights off... so he’s messy... the bathroom smells because he’s never very accurate... he doesn't talk to me... he doesn't listen to me and he doesn't even know what I like...  these are some complaints I have heard through the years of real situations that need to be taken within context and dealt with accordingly. We can begin with ourselves first, to see if the complaints are valid.

Besides letting go of my preconceived notions of what marriage should be like, I know I need to work on my own insecurity that links directly to my own sense of self-worth. Marriage requires great confidence. What stopped me from spiralling down into insecurity was recalling my own identity.

How could I forget that I was an awesome child of God, that I am a beautiful and beloved bride? Jesus loves me and all those words of affirmation I seek, He gives to me freely. Did I listen carefully? If I did, I would know that I am good and that I am a great wife to my husband for I always try to love him in a self-giving manner.

I may fail to love him in the way he needs to be loved at times, and I can be a thorn in his side occasionally and behave in ways that I am not proud of, but I am lovable and P loves me dearly (I say this with complete faith because I know him enough now to recognize the signs and the unspoken words of affirmation he does drop daily). Likewise, I love him deeply, and I try to honour that love by speaking the unspoken language of love in different ways. Jesus is our conduit, the One whom we view each other through so that we are more loving, forgiving and compassionate to each other.

The truth of the matter is marriage takes work. It can be a grind that zaps our energy and dampens our enthusiasm. And there are many things that distract us from what’s really important. On our own, P and I would descend into mediocrity, and, perhaps, even apathy, but with Jesus and Mother Mary as our unifying forces, we can flow from strength to strength despite differences and hurdles.

So when I do feel low and a little unloved, I run to my perfect Bridegroom and let Him minister to me. His unconditional love heals my wounded soul and brings a wholeness to my being. He restores balance into my inner universe and gives me the necessary wisdom and moral strength to keep on fighting for a good and healthy marriage and family life.

Love in a marriage is often a committed decision rather than an affective state of being so I thank God that thinking on P still makes me grin like the Chesire cat. Does he love me? Yes, he does. I know so.

Finding Mother Mary in Vietnam

In June, P and I went to Vietnam on a mini pilgrimage. In central Vietnam there are three Marian shrines, all with stories of miracles attached to them which is why people flock to these places, but more importantly, these places represent hope, that God is our loving Father who not only gives us eternal life through Jesus, His Son, but He also takes care of us while we sojourn on earth and He has given us a mother to run to when we need a woman’s gentle assurances and feminine embrace. 

Mary is theotokos, which in Greek means Mother of God. She is the only human being born without sin, the Immaculate Conception, who is worthy enough to carry Jesus in her womb and bring Him into our world to be our saviour. She is the second Eve, who says yes to God where the original Eve said no, choosing, instead, to believe the serpent’s words. But beyond Catholic dogma, the reason why people love and revere her as Jesus’ mama is because she is our best model for faith-filled obedience. As Saint Alphonsus de Liguori said Mary was the most perfect among the saints because she was always perfectly united to the will of God. She was sensitive to what others needed (and still is) and she quietly acted with powerful results. 

Through various times in history and in many places all over the world, Mother Mary has appeared to mostly children or simple folk to bring a message much needed. It is usually a message of encouragement and conversion, to turn back to God and His ways. 

At La Vang, Mary appeared during a time of persecution of Catholics in the late 1700s. She apparently comforted the people who were hiding in the forest and asked them to boil the leaves from the trees in order to cure a prevailing illness among the refugees, and she promised to receive their prayers. Despite efforts through the preceding years to curb Catholicism, the killing of people (more than one hundred thousand Vietnamese Christians died as martyrs) and the destruction of a chapel honouring Our Lady, the faith persisted and today La Vang has become a Marian shrine where tens of thousands flock to every year, seeking answers to their prayers and miracles of physical healing. 

When we were at La Vang, P and I were privileged to count as fellow pilgrims a newly ordained priest and his family, a recently married couple and their families offering thanksgiving, and a group of nuns visiting from north Vietnam. Everywhere we turned we saw people offering up touching prayer tributes of dance and song which made our visit so special. The Spirit of God was amongst the pilgrims and we were blessed to be able to soak in His blessings.

The peace we felt as we sat and prayed in front of the beautiful statue of Our Lady of

Tra Kieu was inestimable. This time it was 1885 and the anti-French sentiment took the form of an attack on a small Catholic parish in south central Vietnam. Praying before the statue of Mother Mary was the villagers’ first line of defence. It worked. Even when cannons were brought in, the cannonballs would veer inexplicably off-course. The soldiers saw a lady dressed in white and even though they aimed for her they could not touch her. Eventually the attacks ceased as nothing seemed to work. The protection of Our Mother was sufficient. 

In Da Nang, we visited Our Lady of Sao Bien or Stella Maris, Star of the Sea. Situated in a public park next to the convent of Saint Paul de Chartres, the statue stands on what was once part of the convent compound. When the government confiscated the land, the sisters refused to move the statue from its original spot despite official efforts. The authorities finally desisted when a deadly typhoon hit, claiming lives and causing great damage to the area except for the temporary roof over the statue and the statue itself.

I was amazed and delighted that there is a religious park where Our Mother is so accessible to the public. It is a serene oasis where people trickle by during the day regularly to pray. Surrounding the statue are little plaques set in concrete, each commemorating an answered prayer. 

The heart of a mother is deeply intuitive. A mother never ceases to love and care for her children. She puts their needs above her own comfort, gathering the desires of their hearts, only to enable the granting of those desires through her Son. She believes in their goodness and hopes beyond their flaws and failures, forgiving them time and time again. She advises them gently, reminding them to do the right thing always. She, herself, is a model of virtue, a guiding light.

I thank God for the gift of Mother Mary, without whom I could not be a good wife and mother. I returned home from Vietnam, inspired and resolved to give my fiat to God more wholeheartedly, today, and every day.

Levelling up

I am still reflecting on words that E gave me when she prayed with me this birthday, new wine skins and deep calling unto deep. It certainly ties in with what spoke to me at the mass I attended on my birthday. During that mass, all I could experience was a deep sense of gratitude for what has been given to me, and how, despite the radical transformation my life had taken, I was still able to hold my head above the water and swim, which, to me, is a great achievement. All kudos to Jesus and Mother Mary whom I lean on every day to know the way I should walk, and to do it with wisdom and grace.

Marriage has been my great spiritual adventure, my new mission fields, and these last 12 months have called forth from me a greater capacity for love, patience, forgiveness, wisdom and compassion through a carefully cultivated intimate relationship with the Lord. I am grateful I have not bombed too disastrously and I have had such tremendous fun living wholeheartedly, purposefully.

Life is all about living out the promises God has made with me, and working hard at carrying out the plans He has to prosper me to hopefully, eventually, reap good fruit. It is about transforming belief into faith (thank you, Archie, for today’s homily* and how we should be putting our faith into practice in all areas of our lives). How do I, in my waking hours, make the life-giving, selfless and oft difficult choices that speak of Jesus consistently and tellingly to everyone around me? How do I exude the joy of the Gospel like the seductive scent of jasmine wafting on a cool evening breeze?

Where is my heart, my honour, my priorities in life? They all rest in the generous heart of Father God. If I believe in the Father who loved the world so much that He gave us His only Son to die on the cross so that we may be redeemed, then I must be able to give up my own life, nailing it to the cross in order to live the resurrected life of Easter. I must be the haemorrhagic woman who claimed healing by boldly touching the cloak of Jesus, and then courageously admitting her act in order to receive unimagined new life. I must be the little girl who gets up and walks about when I hear the voice of Jesus calling me from my sleep of death.

Talitha kum! Awake to wine skins, new depths. Frankly, this scares me. I am physically quite run down, tired and aching all the time. Where do I have the energy to do more, Lord? Can’t I just keep on doing what I am doing now that I have attained a new level of competence and reached a comfort level of sorts? And yet, His Spirit moves me, like Philip who was whisked away to places where he was needed, again and again. I must still go where He wants to lead me. I need to level up. Now that the new wine is in, it needs to be stored in new wine skins. I need to dig deeper, and challenge myself further. Refine my self and find a new attitude of humble and irrepressible  hope. This is the Christian ethos - as disciples we move constantly to align our wills with the Father’s will in order to spread the Good News that love, self-sacrificing love, conquers all.

So what do I want in this new year, a question E posed me. I think I would like to ask for the gift of joy, to be able to laugh at myself and to make light of my own load first, then to be able to make the people around me smile and laugh, to refresh weary hearts, to soothe the fearful, calm the angry, ease lonely souls, liberate the burdened, and simply enable God’s healing of the brokenness that lies within the hearts of others. Yes, joy will definitely be handy in these coming days, weeks and months.

* https://www.catholic.sg/04-july-2018-wednesday-13th-week-ordinary-time/