Living essentially

P made this comment to me yesterday, that it must have been very difficult for me to walk away from corporate life and all its financial comforts given how I do like nice things, or should I say I like things that usually cost a pretty penny (I have this uncanny knack of liking and picking out the most expensive merchandise in any shop I walk into).

I smiled inwardly. Actually it was, is, not as difficult as he thinks. I have never been into prestige or symbols of wealth even though I do appreciate quality and good design. What's more, I do not have the need to possess everything I like, I am quite happy to live vicariously, admiring what others have - C's Kelly and Birkin bags, AS's magnificent jewellery or S's Porsche - occasionally benefitting from it myself (it's nice to ride in S's "small" car from time to time).

Very early on in life I came to the conclusion that things do not make me happy, it's people, relationships, and most of all, being in right relationship with God, that matters. So while the lean years that followed my decision to leave the corporate world were not easy ones, I gained in many other ways and I was content with what I had. I experienced divine providence many times over and I could express great wonder and gratitude at how the Lord provided for me through the people around me. I can truly say I have good friends and relatives, who are very loving and generous with me. I wanted for nothing in those financially straitened years, and even now, I consider myself very blessed.

In today's Gospel from Luke 12:13-21 we are reminded not to let avarice lead us to storing up treasures for ourselves but to work on getting rich in the eyes of God. Father Bosco cautioned against conscious and unconscious attachments to material wealth, power, status or acclaim, anything that leads us away from God. He stressed that we strive to look for what is essential in life and prioritize accordingly.

What is essential is often much less than we think. I would say I have been given the grace to learn to live essentially these past years. Food, shelter and love, these are my essentials, and I rely on God to provide all three. I cut my cloth according to what I receive, and so if I cannot afford it, I do without it for my happiness is not predicated on material possessions. Furthermore, it should not matter to the people I call friends if I dress simply, and we eat out at cheaper places when I buy lunch.

My dignity and self-worth do not depend on external accoutrements to puff it up. In my Father's eyes, I am precious and beautiful naked. His is the only approval I seek, His plan for me is the only one I do my best to execute, knowing that it is in His plan that my fulfilment and happiness lie.

My last 13 years are a testament to living essentially for the Lord in all areas (I try) of my life. To do whatever He tells me. Total obedience is never easy when one is as strong willed as I am, so it's a good thing I spend a lot of time listening in prayer and have, over the years, developed a sensitivity to the movements of the Spirit in my heart.

My riches in God come from doing what He created me to do, by pursuing my passions, and living exuberantly. Walking the narrow path is not all about great sacrifice and strict discipline, it is also about utter fulfilment, deep inner peace and a sense of lasting joy that comes from being in union with Jesus. Therefore I have no plans to deviate from the narrow path, and I continue to look to Jesus to help me strip away the vanities that camouflage my real being, who is the woman who needs very little even when she receives a lot.

Commitment ready

It seems to be the season for commitments and covenants. First, ICPE Mission's Woman to Woman Ministry is looking for a three-year commitment from each of us in the attempt to help us deepen our respective faith walks. Then the three-year covenant I took with ICPE Mission's Companions is soon up for renewal and each of us is now discerning on next steps. And finally, I am journeying towards soon taking the lifetime covenant of marriage with P.    

D led us to reflect on what commitment means to each of us last Friday evening and why we made commitments. She reminded us that we are bound by our commitments and they dictate how we think, sound and act. When it comes to commitment, quitting is not an option, and we keep going at it even when the going gets tough or when we do not feel up to it. And, we must go beyond counting the costs once we say yes, continuing to sacrifice time and effort in living our commitments out daily.

Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar said: It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.

So why bother so much with commitment when it requires such effort and real discipline? I do it because I believe in love, and commitment is the foundation of love, and of all meaningful relationships. Without commitment, I would drift from one desire to another, prioritizing selfishly and making only hedonistic goals in life. Moreover, I would not grow emotionally or spiritually.

From the beginning, God calls us into relationship with Him. As can be seen from salvation history, God continuously invites us into covenantal relationship. Through Jesus, He continues to give us a new spirit, writing the law of covenant in our hearts. The way we can live out our covenantal relationship with God fully is to rely on the Holy Spirit, His gift to us, to animate us to build healthy relationships with others, for we are called to love others by extending charity in our actions and interactions with all whom we meet.

If I follow Jesus, commitment underpins every action in my life, the will to love and to serve out of love. Springing from this one desire to love as Jesus does, my life is a web of relationships connected through my daily offering of life-giving words and actions. Truth and Mercy are my constant twin companions who guide me in living out my intentions well.

Reflecting on my 12 plus years with the W2W Ministry, it has been an extraordinary season of grace. It has been a time of laughter and tears, great spiritual growth, and connecting with other women I would not ordinarily have done so, drawing strength from them. We quench our thirst from the well of our shared life experiences and set out again on our personal journeys, refreshed, inspired and empowered. The upcoming three-year commitment to me is a no-brainer for I am passionate about helping women (myself included) to live out their true potential by developing their feminine genius and so remain committed. W2W is my spiritual hometown and I still choose to reside here.

My sojourn with the ICPE Mission's Companions in Singapore has been awesome in many ways - the bonds built, the learning, the sharing, the witness of life, it has all been good. To walk and serve with others who share the same vision and mission in life, who live out the charisms of worship and evangelization so concretely has been like travelling on the faith bullet train. Similarly I say yes to renewing my covenant, knowing I need to remain open to God's creativity in answering the desire in my heart for community and to keep following His lead for I will also be taking the covenant of marriage soon.

Speaking of marriage, I approach the marital covenant with eagerness laced with splashes of trepidation. My SD shared that courtship is a treasure hunt where P and I find what is beautiful, good and great about each other and it has indeed been so. Our courtship is a celebration of life at its best, full of joy, and an affirmation of God's abundant and merciful love. I am hopeful that marriage will continue to unearth many treasures that will delight our senses and deepen our love for each other, for Jesus will be at the centre of our relationship as He is now, and He will be the glue that binds us. I say this knowing that there will be challenges ahead, and yet, I am confident that P and I will meet them head on, with Jesus by our sides.

So this is the key component of every formal and informal commitment and covenant we take in life, that we put God in the heart of it all, that we allow Jesus to guide us always, and that we intentionally act in the Spirit of unconditional, forgiving and nurturing love. If we do this, then despite the challenges, struggles and conflicts we encounter along the way, we will enable divine grace to make all things new, beautiful and perfect.  

Heavens' prayer

Last Friday PT did a meditation on prayer and asked me and the other women present at our Woman to Woman Ministry meeting what prayer means for each of us (we have begun a new season of discernment leading to a commitment for spiritual growth)?

At this moment, prayer is my heart cry to God, where I sit in openness and vulnerability, to be able to see myself through His eyes. S's recent word for me speaks volumes as well: To approach and sit at the Lord's feet, breaking the brittle alabaster jar of my fears and stubborn pride again and again to anoint Jesus' feet with the perfume of my being, the pleasing and treasured aspects of my womanhood, adding to it the tears of my shortcomings, my failures and my sinful nature as gift to Him; then drying His feet with my tresses of humility, repentance and gratitude.

Apart from contemplation, I also see prayer very much as an opportunity to be part of the healing He wishes to bestow on all of us, his children. As an intercessor, I can offer up the people and situations that touch my life, and surrender them into His care. My faith will stand in the gap of those who have lost hope or have turned away from Him, to bring the miracle of the Holy Spirit's healing into their lives.

When I was asked to pick a landscape that best represents my prayer life*, I picked the night sky because it represents infinite possibilities in its immensity, even in the darkness.

She then asked what am I saying to God when I choose this landscape to describe my prayer life? Rudolph Otto's idea of the Holy comes to mind: mysterium tremendum and mysterium fascinosum, a scary mystery and a very alluring mystery. Otto proposes that an authentic experience of the Holy is one where I find myself in a liminal space that is at once extremely uncomfortable and yet I feel right at home in, despite being there for the very first time.

I can't help but map my spiritual life to the lived reality of my relationship with P for marriage is the icon of how love between God and us humans should be: total, unconditional, infinite and selfless. The Lord always invites us into relationship with Him and we are given the freedom to say yes, or to say no to his proposal. Likewise, in marriage, we are invited to say yes to each other and no other love relationship is as sublime as it is challenging for it asks for much from the parties involved. As my journey towards marriage is very much for me an experience of the Holy, I should not be surprised at the contradictory, ever-changing state of being I find myself, and I am learning to appreciate the various thresholds I pass through, making the most of them.

So what is God saying to me in this landscape? Stop struggling so much. Be still. Just sit at my feet and listen, for I will do everything to break down the walls and let the light shine in. Be open. Trust. Hope. Believe. I have to remember that even in the outer space of the great unknown, I know who I am, and to therefore allow myself to meet God exactly where I am, without giving into the temptation to second guess or run ahead of myself, or worse, to take matters into my own hands. I need to be an open and joyful receiver of divine grace.

PT then asked: If I were to go deeper in my prayer life, how might my landscape change? And after the change what would my landscape look like now?

I would definitely start to see more stars lighting up the night sky and I would be able to recognize the different constellations, and use them to help me orientate my way towards God, walking where He wants me to go. At the same time, I would derive joy from the beauty I find in the stars, gratitude from being able to navigate in the dark, and awe at how the Creator has made a path in the wilderness for me to walk.

Inherent in God's mystery is the invitation to go deeper always. The Abrahamic covenant whispers softly of God's promises of riches, fruitfulness, and unity. It promises a multitude of great blessings. So if I say yes what is the one thing I can do to go deeper? What can I commit to in order to get there?

The answer is clear to me. What about you?

                                                         
* The suggested landscapes were river, forest, cave and night sky, adapted from Margaret Silf's Landscapes of Prayer.

Peace and harmony

A asked me last evening, what is your desire for your life in this new year and I replied harmony, after some thought. Before harmony can flow, there must first be peace, a peace within myself when my world is spinning and expanding in new, exciting, yet terrifying ways that throw me off kilter. After years of relative calm and stability, the great unknown yawns before me and I am not in a place of comfort. I am full of joy, but I am scared in equal parts.

I feel like Abraham who hears the Lord speak of covenant, a promise of greatness and abundance unimaginable. It is awesome, a dream come true, for the covenant is a bond of love I desire deeply, and yet, it signifies an epic journey and requires a great leap of faith that will propel me into a different stratosphere, one I have not existed in before. Am I up to it? I'd be lying if I said I was wholly confident, but I have said yes with my hand on my heart, and I trust that I will be given the inner resources of the Spirit to carve out a new path that lights the way not just for myself, but for those He has brought into my life.

Going by recent months, I have needed to find peace in my heart by listening to the one voice that matters, filtering out all the voices, my own included, that bring confusion and internal chaos. More than ever, the way forward speaks of the necessity of internal equilibrium that will allow me to act with wisdom and build peace and harmony, as I have always sought to do in life, wherever I find myself. Peace must first begin with me.

In today's second reading Saint Paul reminds the Colossians (1:15-20) that in Christ alone is perfection found, and that all things are to be reconciled through him and for him, whether on earth or in heaven, for Jesus made peace by his death on the cross. As I proclaimed these words today at mass, I felt that they were intended just for me. The only way for peace is through Jesus, laying down my fears and my insecurities, my will and my pride at the foot of His cross. The only way to new life is death of the old ways, my old life.

I like that the liturgy is a constant paean of peace:

Peace be with you. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.

Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil, graciously grant us peace in our days...

Lord Jesus Christ, who said to your Apostles: Peace I leave you, my peace I give you; look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and graciously grant her peace and unity in accordance with your will.

The peace of the Lord be with you always.

Let us offer each other a sign of peace.

The peace of Christ, in Scripture and in the Eucharist, is my gift to the world, only if I first accept this gift with open hands and heart. As Moses reminds the people in Deuteronomy 30:10-14, the Law is not beyond my strength or reach, but it is near me, the Word is in my mouth and in my heart for my observance.

When I do accept the gift of Christ's peace, I find myself less shaken by the noises and distractions of the world. Even if I may not have reconciled myself fully to a situation, I can still speak affirming words of peace and act them out in my life with sincerity. This is the power of the cross, to be able to crucify my own wants and needs so that I can act selflessly, like the Good Samaritan did in today's Gospel. Most of all, to  do everything with such grace that no one knows just how much sacrifice it entails. This is peace building at its best.

As P and I find our stride in our relationship, we rely on Christ to help us create peace and harmony in our relationship despite our inevitable differences, and to seek a peace that is not placatory in nature and gesture, but a genuine effort that smacks purely of love and freedom. 

Words to live by

There are two words that best represent my year that began last July: obedience and providence. When I ignored the promptings of my heart, staying away from "duty", I paid the price for it. I caused anger and deep hurt to someone who has since passed on. God was kind and I was able to salvage the situation before it was too late. Despite the difficult situation and the dread I felt in attempting to make reparations, He led my actions and I was able to bless AM and receive her blessing in return. Never mind that everybody else regards me as intransigent and unruly.

In instances where I obeyed even though I was unwilling initially, the Lord provided in ways I never thought possible, one example being my trip to Malta and Rome last year. I still reap the benefits of that trip in countless, indefinable ways, mostly connected to relationships, both old and new.

Obedience to the Spirit is easy most times, when one is guided by a sound value system. One knows what one ought to do, and often, one makes the right choices quite naturally, even unconsciously. However, making the right choices must come from a place of freedom, and not be duty bound.

This can only happen when I open myself to receive love from the Father, and in experiencing the joy of being loved and treasured for who I am, I can choose to love difficult people and be loving in tough situations, without feeling I am the martyr, or short-changed in any way. Loving in freedom allows me to love with joy. I can act with no expectation of reciprocity. Thus, even when I meet hostility, I am unfazed. My self-worth is unshaken, my ego unbruised (it's a process but I get there eventually).

Sometimes I do forget to trust that my Father knows best and I try to go it alone, relying on my own intellect and ability, that's where things always go wonky. These last 12 months have taught me to surrender more and more for I have seen almost unbearable great loss and unbelievably beautiful new beginnings during this period. In the midst of radical change, emotional upheaval, and the call to up the faith ante, the testing of my response to what has been happening in my life has been fierce.

I have a tendency to give in to despair, and I often wish to walk away when the going gets tough, to take the easier option. I get insecure, fearful even, when the landscape shifts beneath my feet, but like a warrior in battle, wielding the trusty sword of prayer and contemplation, honed by hours of practice in peace time, I have been able to stand my ground, and even sally forward significantly towards where God is leading me.

Given where I am right now, preparing for marriage and all its delights and challenges, obedience is key, obedience that comes from a child-like trust that He who has provided for me all these years will continue to provide for me in these coming days, weeks, months and years. I just need to keep a listening heart.

E asked me so where do you see God leading you in the new year? How can I be this flower that despite being transplanted into a new environment, still experiences the freedom of scattering pollen and seed in different ways and directions, blessing others as I now do? How do I refine and deepen my vocation as a soon-to-be married woman?

I cannot quite answer this question in great detail except I know I have to die to self in many ways. I have already begun to let go of my single life, to mourn the changes that are to come, such as no longer living with my mother who has been my confidant, counsellor and greatest cheerleader in life. These last 13 years with her as housemate have been loads of fun, pure joy. I will miss watching The Big Bang Theory with her and chortling with shared glee.

Father Arro defined spouse as the person whom you love most in life and the one who loves you most in life. I have already begun to love P in this way and although we are still discovering each other's ways, rhythms and quirks, I am committed to spending the rest of my life with this man who makes my whole being light up with joy. The road ahead is by no means a walk in the park, but I know it will yield numerous spectacular finds and many glorious moments. I do look forward to it.  

Along with obedience and providence, the other companion words to accompany me in this new year will be perseverance and hope, words that will take flesh as I offer my days up to the Lord and give Him my daily fiat.