Spacing out with Jesus

Over the weekend, my community of ICPE Companions met for our annual retreat and it was a huge sacred space where we welcomed Jesus, into our hearts, souls, minds and strengths, our lives, and received much.

We prayed, we listened, we praised, we worshipped, we broke bread together in the sharing of food and lives, we played, we laughed, and we were simply there for each other and God, and in so doing, we blessed each other and ourselves. Even those of us who could not make it were not forgotten and they were swept up with us in our communal prayer.

Besides taking community bond-building and my personal call to another level, it was a huge reminder of how imperative contemplation is for spiritual health. My spirit is bubbling over with joy today and to paraphrase Leonard Hofsteder's pick-up line in The Big Bang Theory, I am snapping, crackling and popping electric all because we sat together and listened to our Lord and our God.

Words are a poor vehicle to describe what I felt, and feel, and yet, they are all I have to share: that Jesus lives and walks among us, and He loves us, me, very, very much. The Good News experienced firsthand is indeed very, very Good.

He died for me so there is no reason to live otherwise than joyously and with vitality for I am redeemed, and thus I can rise up from the ashes of my woundedness, my disastrous past, and even my battle-scarred present, to new life, every new day. And what a life it can be.

The Gospel yesterday from Mark 10:46-52 was germane: If I am bold like blind Bartimaeus, and I can cast aside my perceived treasure (which is more encumbrance) to walk toward Jesus and ask for new sight, then He will respond. The reward is always restoration and a more precise vision and stouter heart to follow Him better.

My commitment to my spiritual growth has been renewed. It is clear that although my life will always be filled with activity, with demands on my time, space to be still, for me to listen to the Master's voice is necessary for emotional health, spiritual maturity and the stamina to keep up with Jesus. So my top priority for the future is to stay joyful by spacing out with Jesus.

Friday special

In the adoration room
Today she turned and smiled at me
Joy lighting up her flawless features
A cheeky sprite in a frothy mood

She was wonderfully made, fearless in spirit
She beckoned me to stay awhile
and play with her in eternity
We joined hands and knitted hearts
Our kindred souls sang as one voice
Of everlasting love, a kingdom found!
Together we sat at his feet the better part
Of the endless golden afternoon.
As we said goodbye we thanked each other
And the one who made it possible
For the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins
All glory be

Remembering her life
It was grand to gather five years on
To give thanks and celebrate her life
Sharing stories dusted with sparkling motes of joy,
Tears of gratitude beading the laughter.
We spoke of love, her tender heart,
How she heard the soft, unspoken cries
And bore them in compassionate hands
She comforted troubled hearts, and calmed
A sea of people for she opened doors that led
To bright futures and infinite possibilities.
There was her legendary hospitality, of course,
Popiah* parties and sumptuous new year spreads.
Tonight we got to sample yet again
Her mouthwatering popiah and yummy kai chok**
Gone but not forgotten, fondly remembered,
Her goodness lives on in those she loved

*  spring rolls extraordinaire
**  chicken congee

Ditching the funeral face with agape

It is not enough that we have the best of intentions towards people, and we sacrifice our own wants and needs in order to show care and concern. If we come across as negative, self-righteous, intrusively domineering, and we are altogether unpleasant to be around, our good deeds are lost, gone with the wind. All people will remember is the foul attitude, and they will turn and walk in the opposite direction when they see us approaching.

But she/he has a good heart! Sorry, that does not excuse the surliness or the caustic tongue. As Pope Francis put it, we cannot proclaim Jesus with a funeral face. Do-gooders, aka good Christians, have to attract people with their joie de vivre. Christ must shine through in their demeanours as well as in their good deeds.

So why is it that active Christians, missionary disciples, have such a hard time exuding sweetness and light as they go about doing good in the world? I have a couple of answers for I find myself guilty of a funeral face more than I would like.

One reason is I try to do too much. Finding the balance will always be tricky, but I cannot let tiredness derail all my good intentions and efforts. Sufficient rest and recreation is key. I must also be clear why I am doing what I am doing and to allow God's agape to flow into my heart when I make those exhausting and hard choices to love - so I can also stop perfecting things and let the Spirit lead.

The following stories from the Bible are cautionary tales and invite us to make the right choice with joy as well. The first is grumbling Martha who seeks redress from Jesus and instead gets told she frets about many things and thus loses sight of the better part (Luke chapter 10), and the other is the parable of the prodigal son (Luke chapter 15) whose elder brother is aggrieved by how their father celebrates the return of this ne'er-do-well brother whereas he has been there all along, slogging his guts out for the family business.

As Father Simon explained last week, the better part of Mary's contemplative attitude did not mean that Martha's active ministry was inferior, far from it. Both are necessary if we are serious about being followers of Christ. We are all called to be like Jesus, contemplatives in action.

What was the issue was that Martha had lost sight of what was truly important as she went about her ministry. She was too caught up in wanting things to be done a certain way, to elicit a certain response from people, that she lost the joy. Martha lost her agape, as did the elder son who himself became a prodigal interiorly in his inability to forgive his brother or to rejoice that his father, whom he loved, was ecstatic.

I relate. A lot. Having a sense of duty, a sense of right and wrong is not a bad thing. It is good to be responsible. I know how to walk the Christian talk. But when I begin to measure others against my own standards of acceptable behaviour, here is where I fall down. It is easy to feel resentment, and even envy, that I am losing out when I serve. Why am I not enjoying myself as others are? I fixate on small things and become small-minded. I compare and I grumble, like Martha.

Or because I have been trudging on for so long, I get a false sense of entitlement. I feel I am better than others, so I have earned the right to look down my nose at those around me, those sorry lot of sinners. I become the elder brother who is furious that his irresponsible sibling is being blessed by their father for doing nothing. And when my siblings actually backslide, or are insincere in their apologies, I go into a rage.

I forget I was a big sinner, like them, and I am still a sinner, even though I live in my Father's home. My Father forgives me every day and my elder brother, Jesus Christ, dies for me, the errant, younger sibling every day. Every day is Christmas, Good Friday and Easter. When I see the truth and open my heart to His agape, then I can live out agape the way He does.

Agape, or love, as Peter Kreeft defined in his essay, Love*, is more than a feeling and it comes from us, actively, by our free choice. And we must choose freely to love the concrete individual; who is often a choice that is inconvenient, stinking and begging.

Agape means we get up close and personal with people who hurt us frequently and disappoint us; who weary us with their inability to change; who have whiny, bitter and childish personalities we may actively dislike, and we accompany them in life, giving support and encouragement. Agape is love that goes beyond worth, beyond justice, beyond reason. It is to remain faithfully loving even in circumstances where there is no perceived discernible positive outcome (this is not an endorsement for co-dependency which is to be avoided). I like what Kreeft wrote:

Love is a flower, and hope is its stem. Salvation is the whole plant. God's grace, God's own life, comes into us by faith, like water through a tree's roots. It rises in us by hope, like sap through the trunk. And it flowers from our branches, fruit for our neighbor's use.

Kreeft goes on to describe how agape must be in spirit:

Faith is like an anchor. That's why it must be conservative, even a stick-in-the-mud, like an anchor. Faith must be faithful. Hope is like a compass or a navigator. It gives us direction, and it takes its bearings from the stars. That's why it must be progressive and forward-looking. Love is like the sail, spread to the wind. It is the actual energy of our journey. That's why it must be liberal, open to the Spirit's wind, generous.

Loving in this fashion is hard, as the elder brother or Martha found out, but worthwhile. I have found what Kreeft said to be true: When you give yourself away you find that a new and more real self has somehow been given to you.

So what really is the better part? How does it help us return to our Father's house when we stray? It is being able to say to Jesus in wonder and gratitude thank you for loving me so much. I don't know why you do, but, thank you. You make me feel special and I want to spread that special to someone else for something so precious has to be shared with everyone I know. I agree to be that little pencil in your hand, please use me as you will... Let agape flow and joy bring us home into the Father's embrace.

*  http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/love.htm

In death new life begins

A death in the family is always a tragedy. Even if you were not particularly close to the departed, or harboured some ill will towards that person, there is a void in the universe, a palpable change, that affects you personally, and the family dynamics around you.

There are different ways of dealing with the loss. Some choose to ignore it, denying that this particular person has any influence on their life whatsoever, whether alive or dead.

Then there are others who let the grief turn inward. They bury it deep down and allow it to implode and emerge in anger and bitterness to the rest of the world, often targeting family members in explosive ways.

Grief takes on many forms and faces as well. For within the grief there is a complex mixture of sadness, regret, anger, remorse, emptiness, fear, bitterness, despair, relief and guilt, and so much more. All these very powerful emotions need to be acknowledged and processed, if not, we will remain forever stuck. And they will return and bite us later, causing us to behave in ways we least desire.

Often we grieve for 'selfish' reasons. It is our personal loss that concerns us. We can no longer see and interact with this person. There is a black hole of missing within us. Our chance to be loving and caring towards this person has disappeared. We can make amends no more, to right the wrongs we should've acted on earlier. While all this is normal, we can learn to look outward and parlay the grief into blessings of joy.

One way that works me is to honour that person by becoming a better person myself. All the qualities I admire in that person I can seek now to embody. I renew my efforts at being loving, caring, forgiving and less touchy. I become more committed to losing my baggage and, consequently, I am able to free myself from the chains of past hurts and resentments more quickly.

This is how in death there can be new life: the departed by his or her absence becomes a visible sign of redemption in the world because I choose to be life-giving. I can make reparation for my past failings by making good now, paying it forward and crediting the departed for my achievements.

It is no accident that I am connected by blood to the people who are in my family, immediate and extended. Instead of judging and complaining about their perceived shortcomings, and using this as an excuse for my own malaise and uncharitable impulses, I should try harder to see them in new ways and relate to them in new ways.

Change is possible for all things are possible with God. I have seen it happen these past days and I am awed by just how loving and merciful God has been during this time of bereavement.

My Third Aunt's passing has given me new insights into my family and my own immaturity in dealing with family. I am humbled by how it is only in her dying that I have come to see a different personality emerge, my Third Aunt's true self, uncontaminated by family history.

She had a big heart for the less privileged and fought for the underdog. She was unceasing in her efforts to reach out to others and help those who needed some form of assistance that she could render. As Father Simon declared during her funeral mass, Mother Mary would snap at Saint Peter to quit looking at my aunt's report card to assess her and offer her immediate access through the Pearly Gates for she is a shoo-in.

Thank you,Third Aunt, for the honour and privilege of accompanying you in your last days, and thank you for blessing the family with your deepest desire, unity. Thank you for loving me all these years and beyond. Even today, you have blessed me with your love. I was amazed, and I am grateful.

Thank you, Abba, for the gift of faith in my family for without it, we would all be lost.

Rest well, Third Aunt, and I hope to be just like you when I grow up. 

Roses for my aunt

She lived her life with no apologies
For her bluntness or her convictions.
She was an original - one of God's most favoured.
Prickly yet tender, calculating yet incredibly generous
She had passion, vision, and a great love 
For God, Mother Mary and Truth.
She wanted to change the world and she did
Made it brighter, funnier and warmer for many
Even as storms often followed in her wake.
She was loved for who she was 
A compassionate and giving woman 
Nurse, teacher, cook, storyteller,
Mother and true friend to those in need.
She could be tough to love
Harsh in her words and ways,
Quick-tempered and impatient,
Her heart of gold lost in the darkness 
All is forgiven in the crucible of mercy.
You are, now and forever, His radiant bride
Mary Cecily in the eternal, enjoy the ride.

Contemplating Teresa and Thérèse

A few of us (ICPE Companions and W2W Ministry sisters) were involved in the Carmelite Prayer Concert celebrating the fifth centenary of the Discalced Carmelite foundress Saint Teresa of Avila who was born in 1515. We performed in sign language to the beautiful lines penned by Saint Teresa and transformed into song lyrics by John Michael Talbot:

Christ has no body now but yours

No hands, no feet on earth but yours

Yours are the eyes through which He looks

With compassion on the world

Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good

Yours are the hands,

With which He blesses all the world.

Yours are the hands,

yours are the feet

yours are the eyes

You are His body…

I really enjoyed performing to such meaningful words yesterday afternoon, such a powerful reminder for me. Then today we celebrated the feast day of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux who is the patroness of my parish church. The two Teresas, Saint Teresa of Jesus and Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, or Saint Teresa of Avila and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, are two saints I admire greatly for being women who lived out their feminine sensibilities to the fullest and inspired so many with who they were, whether alive or dead.  

Both were strong women, wilful in their youth but such giants in their spirits as adults, single-minded in their devotion to Christ. They also underwent trials: physical illness, personal tragedy (both lost their mothers at an early age), rejection and persecution, and yet, this did not change them, they continued to be true to God, and remained joyful and loving women. They were both fearless, even in the face of hostility, and humble, ever conscious of their sinful natures.

The longer one walks with Jesus, the easier it is to get complacent and to develop blind spots and become vain, wearing one’s goodness like badge. Prayer can become routine, and even being good can become so facile that we operate on cruise control and stop truly listening to Jesus and going where He goes. We do our own thing, we chart our own course. We become like the rich, young man, unwilling to step out of our comfort zone. We become missionary disciples on our own terms, picking and choosing what we want to do, discarding the uncomfortable and unappealing. We stop losing our lives to gain new life.

I am ever fearful that I take Jesus for granted, and I stop trying my best to be like Him, and in so doing, I stop becoming. I stop journeying in a meaningful way, and maybe even walk away from Jesus. Because of how far I have come, I know how to be good and I can put on a good performance effortlessly. It is at this point that I stop being honest with myself, and with Jesus. Here is where the enemy can enter and wreak havoc for I have stopped trying to be a better person, to be the real me.

I know I will always have blind spots, but I also know I can rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth, assuming I ask for His opinion and listen in earnest. This is why both Saints Teresa and Thérèse encourage me. They both made time to contemplate their actions daily, to seek God in the silence of their hearts, and they listened with child-like humility and sincere contrition. In so doing they were able to deal with darkness in their time and circumstance by shedding light, and bringing so many to Christ.

Saint Teresa and Saint Thérèse, help me always to believe, as you did, in God’s great love for me, so that I can be His hands and feet in the world, bringing His healing love to all.