Friday, July 31, 2015

Of fruit and providence

Did I write earlier that July has been a great month? Well, it is turning out to be one of the most challenging months of the year as well! But through the most gruelling moments I am thanking the Lord for loving me with such generosity. He has truly been showering me with blessings.

I am planning to be in Malta in September, as part of a celebration. My community, ICPE Mission, turns 30 this year, and Malta is where it all began. Initially I struggled with the decision for my financial situation was dismal. I get depressed whenever I think about it for it reflects my poor stewardship all these years, but that's another story.

The sensible thing to do is to skip it altogether, yes? I didn't really pray in earnest for I didn't want to hear a clear go for it from God. Then E messages me one day and asks me to pray about my decision. Long story short: the Father says go, I will provide. And He has.

First, the work came pouring in. I have never had such long work days and weeks but I am not complaining, just dog tired. Then He arranged for most of my accommodation there to be free. I even get to go on vacation after the meeting. What grace!

To show my gratitude, I have said yes to many things that require an ongoing committed and well orchestrated effort to weave the lives of many into my own walk of life. There have been celebrations, outreaches, ministries, sickness, death, loss... I am dead on my feet, in pain at times, but I have never felt more alive and fulfilled than these past weeks. There is great satisfaction in connecting with people in a meaningful way, bringing about positive change and helping them get closer to God.

During our last W2W Ministry meeting D shared about the fruit of the Spirit and it got me thinking how much am I known by the fruit I bear? Am I someone whom people identify with the fruit Saint Paul talks about to the Galatians*, namely love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?

While there's always room for improvement, I'd like to think I have been producing a fair crop. However, I would like to keep increasing the yield - benefit more and more people. As D shared, the point of cultivating good fruit is so that others can enjoy. To keep the harvest plentiful, there are a number of ways, said D:

God's Word.  If we keep our hearts fertile and rich by delighting in the law as the psalmist recommends in Psalm 1, then we will be able to give glory to God and be a blessing to many.

Meditation.  It is vital to stop and chew on the Word, in order to digest it and internalize it. Meditation allows us to see our actions through God's eyes, and to acknowledge our own sins so as to purge them.

Spiritual discipline.  Abiding in the Lord is a decision and a discipline. We need to expose ourselves to anointed preaching be it at mass or attending talks frequently. We need to pray, worship, meditate on the Word, receive the sacraments regularly; take the time to focus on Jesus and know Him daily.

Obedience.  More than anything else, obedience to the will of God will get us where we want to go. Yielding our flesh to power of the Holy Spirit requires us to acknowledge Our Lord and Saviour in all areas of our lives, to know what actually is God's desire, then to remain faithful in the smallest things, especially when we find it most tedious. 

Through pruning. The only way fruit trees yield abundant crops of bigger, more delicious fruit is judicious pruning. Likewise we must endure the pain of cutting away the dead wood of faults, vanities and weak spots in ourselves.

I can't say I am unhappy to say goodbye to July, despite all the blessings it brought. I can only hope I bring my experiences into the next month and make wiser decisions, and sleep a little more. With that, time to sleep.

* Galatians 5:22-23

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Heartbeat


You conceived the idea of me as I am now
Knitting me then in my mother's womb
Day by day I grew
Into Your image and likeness
Though I was not conscious that I had
the seal of Your eternal love on my heart.
You breathed into my lungs
Gave me new life in eternity
I saw you; I knew you and loved you
You were my playmate, my BFF,
In communion, we spent days
Dedicated to laughter and delight.
 
 
But I grew up, walked away and forgot
Believed in sexy credos and magic mantras
That tasted ultimately of ashes
I was starving, miserable and lost
Until I limped home, diminished,
Inside my father's house I came alive again
Feasting on Living Water and the Lamb.
I had to relearn how to count the ways
I love you; with freedom
Dance to your heartbeat,
Make music to lift weary souls
I'm still broken and wounded but I can
Make your heart beat faster
With pride and joy. What joy!
 

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Knowing the Father's heartbeat

In my last entry, I wrote that the truth is, I will never be good enough when it comes to ministry. That's okay, for God does not require excellence, as long as I make the effort and do my sincere best. What is needed is a humble heart that knows its own limitations, yet consciously and prayerfully chooses to allow Jesus inside to lead the way. If I cooperate fully with the Holy Spirit, things will turn out just as it should, even when I fall short, and things do not go as I planned them.

I certainly hope so, for I have been feeling completely incompetent and substandard in everything I do lately. Sheer physical exhaustion has contributed to my lacklustre performance. I am so tired that I am not even praying as I normally do. I can only thank God that I am still able to engage in the practice of mindfulness and lean on Him severely when I feel that I have nothing worthwhile to give.

Thank goodness the wisdom and compassion of the Holy Spirit shines through to the people around me (or so I hope) for all I feel inside is emptiness. I am so depleted I am beginning to rely on caffeine to get me through the long days. Desperate measures for caffeine-sensitive me.

Am I doing too much? Probably. And yet, so are all my fellow Companions. Every single one of them is fully engaged in their own personal ministries, giving their best effort unceasingly, not that I am comparing. I just marvel at how everyone is doing what they are doing, and doing it well. I most definitely am not.  

This begs the question why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we push ourselves so hard; engage in so many activities to the point of losing the joy (I teeter on the edge constantly)? As M pointed out last weekend, the meaning of life is God and if I choose to be grateful for this profound truth, I need to express my gratitude 24/7. Hear, hear.

Saint Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 14, verse 8: If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

This really resonates with me. I really love that I belong to the Lord, made in His image and likeness. He is my Lord and my God. I often doubt Him, as Thomas did, but I also got the wow moment of personally touching His side. There is no turning back after one intimately experiences the goodness of God’s love. I will spend the rest of my life, with His beneficent grace, knowing and residing inside the Father’s heartbeat. There is great peace, abundant joy and deep pleasure in this.

It is not difficult to know what makes the Creator happy, one just needs to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and the many saints who came after Him.  I know exactly what would make Him smile. Be who I am (created to be) and do as He wills: follow the soft promptings of the Holy Spirit, inside my heart, to act in ways that bear good fruit. And if I am ever hazy, all I need do is reflect on the Bible. And, of course, prayer is my trusty compass, while like-minded friends and mature spiritual leaders like my SD are good reference points in knowing what the Lord would want me to do in any given situation. 

Although I struggle to fulfil my commitments some days, and I am exhausted beyond belief, my body protesting quite loudly and unceasingly, I would not have it any other way. Even though I may feel like giving up all the time, I won't, for I know that urging does not lead to life.

Thank you, Lord, for directing my days and my will. May our hearts beat as one - always.  

Clematis 'John Paul II', named after one of my heroes

Sunday, July 05, 2015

July blessings

July has been going well. It has always been a period of introspection and reflection being my birthday month, but this year, it has been especially enriching.


Birthday vulnerability
It has been a great birthday week! The celebrations began days before my birthday itself and it will continue for some time to yet. That so many people sent their well wishes and love surprises me for I am, at heart, an introvert and I veer toward misanthropic tendencies. I admit to a sense of wonder that so many people love me, yet knowing full well that I have Jesus to thank for this.

It is because of the Lord that I say yes to loving others to the point of great inconvenience and hurt, at times, yet I can keep going. I can forgive and forget, because He forgives and forgets my sins. All the time. It is because of Jesus that I find myself in a web of communities, involved in a host of activities, doing things that scare, surprise and delight me in equal parts.

I find myself embarking on exciting, new adventures that refine my sense of personal mission. Every time I say yes to God, He sends me down new roads, putting me through the fire at the same time, purifying me.

It is not always pleasant. I get tired, discouraged and querulous. I often question the worth of what I am doing - is it enough, am I the right person for the job for I sure feel grossly inadequate... Truth be told, I will always BE inadequate. I can only sing:

Take, O take me as I am. Summon out what I shall be. 
Set a seal upon my heart, and live in me.

I give thanks to Jesus for loving me. I am immensely grateful He guides me to love others in wise and gentle ways - on my own, I would fall flat on my face. I thank everyone who blesses me with their love, especially all you folks who took time on my birthday to wish me.

My birthday wish for myself in this coming year can be summed up in a greeting sent to me by J, my former classmate: Blessings of vulnerability before God. What a beautiful sentiment!

Lord, may I never be afraid to humble myself before you, lay my failures at your feet and pledge a renewed effort to do better.
Jubilee jubilation
Gifts need not be given and received only on birthdays. One of my year-long gifts from God is my Spiritual Director, Father Michael Arro, who celebrated 60 years of being a priest just two days ago.

He is also my parish priest and the main reason why I am so active in Saint Teresa's. How can one say no to such a wonderful pastor, a gentle man of God?

Photo by Therese Jenny
When I asked if he could be my SD some 10, 11 years ago, he agreed most readily and he unfailingly makes time to see me on a regular basis. His wit, humour and wisdom have guided me all these years. He has helped me grow spiritually with simple, yet profound words of advice.

As someone commented during the celebration dinner, I see the face of God when I see him during Reconciliation, God's kind, loving and forgiving visage. He never makes me feel small, or like a failure, and his encouragement is like life-giving water on a parched and wilted plant.

Father Arro is a blessing to me and all the parishioners of Saint Teresa. May he continue to experience the joy of serving and may God grant him good health and abundance as he turns 84 this coming Thursday.

Proud to be Catholic. Proud to be Singaporean
Never has the importance of knowing where I come from made more of an impact on me than
yesterday's SG50 mass celebration at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

When I watched the video Our Catholic Light*, I was moved to tears (even PM Lee Hsien Loong was visibly moved) by the selfless and intrepid missionaries who left their homes for Singapore to spread God's goodness by bettering peoples' lives in multiple ways.

Certainly Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, but many of these religious and priests did more than just convert people to Christianity, they spared no efforts in spreading God's love and bringing hope, transforming lives in concrete and fundamental ways to believers and non-believers alike. They helped build Singapore up these last 50 years by providing education and healthcare, plus running homes and orphanages.

I, myself, am a recipient of the excellent education the IJ sisters provided, an education that laid the foundations of my Catholic spirituality and identity. Simple dans ma vertu, forte dans mon devoir - Simple in virtue, steadfast in duty. My school motto is one I subscribe to, even today.

It was a rush to be part of the 10,000-strong congregation and pray in unison as one church. Then there was the vastly enjoyable concert in the last segment after mass. My friend P who lives in Melbourne remarked that there is so much talent in the Catholic Church in Singapore. I was more impressed that they pulled off the entire event with such great success in just three months. By God's grace, of course.

I am inspired by those who have gone before me, and I aspire, as part of the Catholic community, to walk in their footsteps, to light up the darkness in Singapore and make a difference to this place I call home.

* To watch the video, go to: www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbdx9vjSwqA  and to enjoy the great concert, go to the last hour of the event link:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OAzBx4TGUk