Reviewing 2014

Reading a friend's comments on 2014 on Facebook I have to concur, this year has been a pretty challenging one. I have felt stretched way beyond my capabilities. I have struggled through some truly rough patches emotionally and physically. I feel I have failed in so many ways. At times, I have felt like a total zero in every area of my life.

In attempting to publish my first book I have experienced the height of frustration and I have been plagued immeasurably by insecurity. I have gone from panic attack to panic attack (I will still have them until I break even I am guessing).

Although I have been told ever since I was a young girl that I should write a book, that I am a good writer; although I have said I will write a book for, oh, the last 15 years or so, I have not done anything about it until now. And it has been terrifying beyond belief.

What if my writing really sucks? What if the book won't sell? What if I fall flat on my face? What was I thinking? Seriously? These are questions that have been circling around inside my consciousness for more than 24 months now, since this whole process began.

So why put myself through all this? The answer is simple. Writing is one of my giftings in life and I need to acknowledge it and utilize it fully if I am to inhabit the skin God put me in well. Who said being Christian is cushy?

To be a true follower of Christ entails not just cultivating virtues but developing all aspects of my personhood, nurturing my innate gifts and talents are chief. Complete receptivity of my gifts involves discipline, practice, constant learning, doggedness, and an unwavering focus on giving glory back to God who first gave me not just those gifts, but life itself. And I DO want to give Him glory in all I do.

Apart from the book thing, 2014 has been a difficult year for it has been painful, even excruciating, for many people I care for and call friends. It is hard to walk with them and not be affected by the darkness that envelopes them. More so when the best I can do is lend a listening ear. This has been a Herculean task for me at times for I am so not patient. Blast you Saint Paul for saying love is patient and kind.

Before you think my 2014 was a total sob fest, it was not. It contains some of the highest points in my life. Taking my Covenant as an ICPE Mission Companion and having a community of loving brothers and sisters in my life has been utterly amazing and awesome. I feel as if I am cradled in the hands of God through the faith of my brothers and sisters. They have helped me be a better person by inspiring me with their goodness and their love. Thank you my community - each one of you, individually and collectively in your families, has been a special gift to me this year.

More recently, I have been blessed by the ICPE Mission Philippines community during reverse carolling. It is always a joy to be able to live as part of the community; to work, laugh and pray together. What a privilege! Thank you Albert, Esther, Gemma and Joan. Missed you much, Jitka.

The other special thing about reverse carolling besides all I have written about previously is meeting and working with new and old friends. It has been such a blast and I had a great time. Angie and Jon, your music-making skills blow me away. My gratitude to Angie, Carolyn, Clare, Datina, Jeanny and Jon for making reverse carolling so joyous. Ad, Ams and Maize, you know you bring me joy all the time.

I had the opportunity to visit Hawaii early in the year and it was a very special time. Not only did I get to see the titan arum in bloom or the Hōkūleʻa about to set sail on her worldwide voyage, I was there for Saint Damien's feast day and the changing of the seasons - everything was unplanned which made it all the more special. I had time and space to pray, connect with old friends and reconnect with myself. Those weeks away clarified for me the way I should walk and gave me strength to face the rest of the year.

As a Friend of Gardens By The Bay, I have had the opportunity to visit the Gardens many times this year. Every visit has yielded beauty, not just the beauty of nature, but the joy of shared interests and companionship with my beloved mother. Our walks have been healthy and life-giving. I treasure them all in my heart.

If I were to use one word to encapsulate my experiences in 2014, it would be encounter. Learning about the significance of personal encounters (with, through and in the Lord) in Evangelii Gaudium and then seeing how personal encounters have worked powerfully in my life.  Life truly is about encountering people, strangers and family alike. I see that more clearly each day. Hence I give thanks for my Woman to Woman Ministry sisters, my parish community, my clients, my friends, my family, and all those people I have met throughout this year.

Most of all, I am grateful for all my encounters with Jesus. I may not have been faithful all the time, but He certainly was. He has guided me and protected me through all the storms and rejoiced with me in all the glorious, sunshiny days. He has been with me every day through the year, wherever I went, whoever I met, whether I acknowledged His presence or not. So I end the year knowing I can never be as faithful and loving as Jesus, yet knowing I will not stop trying even though all I can bring as a gift He would appreciate is a humble, contrite and grateful heart.

I look forward to the new year knowing that many things will come to fruition then. Goodbye 2014 and hello 2015.   

Try a little tenderness

What is my hope this Christmas, having seen what material poverty can be like up close in the Philippines, and living in Singapore where I am surrounded by countless people who are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt?

We are a people living in darkness (remembering the slain children in Pakistan), and yet, Isaiah prophesied: The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shined.

My hope, and the hope of the world, is this light, Jesus, or Emmanuel, God is with us. He was born into our world to bring the light of new life, joy, hope and most of all, salvation. Do I welcome the Infant Jesus with open heart and arms? Do I hear the real message of Christmas?

I really like the homily of Pope Francis at this year's Christmas Eve mass:

The message that everyone was expecting, that everyone was searching for in the depths of their souls, was none other than the tenderness of God: God who looks upon us with eyes full of love, who accepts our poverty, God who is in love with our smallness.

The pope asks us to reflect: Do I allow myself to be taken up by God, to be embraced by him, or do I prevent him from drawing close?  “But I am searching for the Lord” – we could respond. Nevertheless, what is most important is not seeking him, but rather allowing him to find me and caress me with tenderness. The question put to us simply by the Infant’s presence is: do I allow God to love me?

I found what Pope Francis said insightful. Often I cannot accept my own smallness, my own poverty, so I ignore it or shove it away, I project it onto others, I do everything I can except deal with it in a constructive manner. In so doing, I lose an opportunity to grow in love and joy. I fail to meet Jesus where I am, and where He stands, next to me, inviting me to experience my humanity.

As the pope pointed out: ...do we have the courage to welcome with tenderness the difficulties and problems of those who are near to us, or do we prefer impersonal solutions, perhaps effective but devoid of the warmth of the Gospel? How much the world needs tenderness today!

We are all in great need of tenderness. It is so easy to grow hard and grasping in a competitive, capitalistic environment where cash is king. It is seductive to buy into an individualistic and consumeristic lifestyle, thinking only of our own needs. The easier option is to medicate our discomfort, pain and hurt away, to numb ourselves so that we can forget about striving to be better people, and to make the world a brighter place. Too much work involved there.

Christmas is the answer to tapping into our inner tenderness. God who loved the world so much that He sent us His only son who was born a tiny baby in a manger.

The Christian response cannot be different from God’s response to our smallness. Life must be met with goodness, with meekness. When we realize that God is in love with our smallness, that he made himself small in order to better encounter us, we cannot help but open our hearts to him, and beseech him: “Lord, help me to be like you, give me the grace of tenderness in the most difficult circumstances of life, give me the grace of closeness in the face of every need, of meekness in every conflict”.

My hope this Christmas, and all the days of my life, is in God, who believes in me and loves me; God who understands my smallness and loves me even more because of it; God who became man and showed me how I can live as a woman of faith, tenderly. I can only stand in silent awe at the manger, and paraphrase the words of Matt Redman's song Endless Hallelujah:

And I will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence I will sing
I will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King.

Prepping for Christmas

It is hard to wrap my brains around Christmas having landed in Singapore last Thursday evening physically exhausted from reverse carolling in the Philippines, and still recovering from a mild bout of flu.

What makes it worse is the sudden spike in social activities: starting from Friday evening drinks at E's, Saturday's mad whirl of teaching, grocery shopping, attending an art exhibition* before catching the Dim Sum Dollies' matinee, and finally dining with three generations of relatives from Melbourne. Always nice to meet the young uns.

Today I was up at the crack of dawn to cook, teach (a client whom I love and make time for even on Sundays) and attend morning mass (lector duty), before rushing home to continue cooking lunch. Thanks to E for the Chilean cab sauv, it made for a brilliant beef bourguignon, just right for my brother's celebratory birthday luncheon.

Next I have to get my spring cleaning efforts into gear and maybe think of Christmas decorations that I have woefully neglected for years. Then there is more menu planning and cooking: family Christmas lunch, Christmas dinner potluck with my community of Companions...

In the midst of all this Martha-ish activity, it is so easy to forget about preparing my heart to make room for the Christ child to be born. I really like what I learned in my last days in ICPE Mission Philippines, to pray before any endeavour and to keep offering my intentions in any activity, be it cooking or cleaning. Prayer really imbues every action with love and elevates it.

Seeing as the final week of Advent is focused on love, this practice is a great one. It can be difficult to live out my choice of love, day after day, minute after minute, but I must persist, since love is what adds substance and tone to my world. Just as Mother Mary made the choice to say yes to great foreseeable sorrow in the Annunciation, I would like to follow her in making that initial choice, and to staying faithful to it in my daily life, as she did in hers.

The key to Mary's commitment to love was her openness and obedience to the movement of the Holy Spirit in her life. This kept her intentions pure even when she could not comprehend situations or circumstances in her limited human capacity. If only my faith is as tensile and robust as hers.

And for the times I struggle, today's O antiphon is a good one:

O Rising Dawn, Radiance of the Light eternal and Sun of Justice: come and enlighten those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death. 

I hope to enjoy these last days of Advent spending some of it in silence, reflecting on the birth in the manger that culminates in death on the cross and giving thanks for the sacrifices of love of all those who have gone before me. And in the flurry of activity I engage in, to offer up each activity mindfully, and with quiet love.

* Great to see you, Alvin. Love the new book.

To see Alvin Mark Tan's wonderful works of art, go to https://www.facebook.com/alvinmarktan?ref=br_rs

Surviving reverse carolling

It was fitting to end Reverse Carolling the day before Gaudete Sunday, the third week of Advent that exhorts us to rejoice.

Reverse carolling is always tough for the needs of those we meet cry out loudly for justice. No human being should live in such squalor be it the squatters area by the creek in New Manila, in Bagong Silang or in Salaban, but especially in Montalban where people are dumped there and forgotten, amidst the mountains of garbage they live on and around.

The stench of poverty, neglect and decay was suffocating, disturbing and greatly depressing. It was extremely hard to sing about having a merry Christmas when the hovels that pass off as homes are so frighteningly fragile and makeshift, hardly weather-proof and prone to flooding.

How could I assure the widow in Manoc Creek who is paralysed from the waist down that Jesus will take care of her? What comfort can I offer the woman with two young children in Salaban, whose husband has run off with another woman two weeks ago, leaving her to live off the kindness of her neighbours?

I am numb for it is easier to bury the horror deep down than to spiral into hopelessness and a darkness that promises to engulf my being completely if I let it.

Ultimately I know I cannot see the radical change I would like to see tomorrow or any time soon, but that should not stop me from trying, for every little bit I do helps (I remind myself of the starfish story - of how it made a great difference to the one starfish that was offered aid - when I feel helpless).

Reverse carolling is more than just about giving out food hampers to alleviate the hunger of the families we visited for two, maybe three days; it is about uniting with them in prayer and sharing in their poverty. It is about respecting their personhood and meeting Jesus in them, rather than fulfilling the lofty aspiration of bringing Jesus to them. It is about the unitive us as we unite in our faith, and not the divisive them and us.

The joy of the Gospel, the Good News, which I have experienced in a very real way is not something that should be kept to myself; it must be proclaimed to all, even to those who may find it hard to rejoice in their present circumstances.

In good times and in bad times, Jesus is with us, loving us and caring for us. We may not always recognize this truth and often, we forget it, but this reality, when we encounter it, is what gives us the hope and inner strength to live our lives joyously and with gratitude, even if our world is falling down around our ears

Reverse carolling is an opportunity for both the givers and the receivers to embrace this truth and allow Christ to permeate our hearts, thoughts and actions. It is one big grace moment to surrender our wills to God's will and be His channels of love, to live out the call found in Isaiah 61:

The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me;
he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the poor,
to heal the broken-hearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives
and release to the prisoners,
to announce a year of favor from the LORD
and a day of vindication by our God.

As Isaiah goes on to proclaim:

I rejoice heartily in the LORD,
in my God is the joy of my soul;
for he has clothed me with a robe of salvation
and wrapped me in a mantle of justice,
like a bridegroom adorned with a diadem,
like a bride bedecked with her jewels.
As the earth brings forth its plants,
and a garden makes its growth spring up,
so will the Lord GOD make justice and praise
spring up before all the nations.

This Advent promise of joy can be ours, especially when we stop focusing on our own personal desires and rise to the challenge of loving our neighbour by treating him or her as a beloved brother or sister. We must make the sacrifice of time and energy to reach out to those who are not as fortunate as we are, for in giving, we will undeniably receive true joy ourselves.

Christmas is the time we celebrate the greatest gift that has been bestowed on us, God become man in the infant Jesus. In order to travel to that point of celebration and lay gifts worthy of the new-born baby who will sacrifice His life for you and me, may the remaining days of Advent be ones where I continue to stay awake as I travel toward the manger where He will lay.

As I leave the Philippines in a few days, I will take home the invitation He has placed in my heart, to continue to grow closer to Him, to trust Him and to love Him with the simple, wholehearted love of a little child.

Reverse carolling has shown me how small my faith is for it took a Super Typhoon that He transformed into a tropical storm to show me how much He loves us all and how much He wanted us reverse carollers to go out and do what we came to do: to love His people and show them how much He loves them.      

Power made perfect

Whenever one thinks of perfect days it is usually spent in some form of sybaritic pursuit. I just had two perfect days engaged in reverse carolling where I actually experienced what Saint Paul said to the Corinthians about Christ's power made perfect in weakness.

Tropical Storm (former Super Typhoon) Ruby or Hagupit has hit the Philippines and yet the weather in Tagaytay yesterday was perfect for clambering around the steep slopes of Bagong Silang laden with heavy Christmas hampers. The sun was out although it was cloudy and the temperature was pleasantly cool. God gave us incredible weather to accomplish what we set out to do, which was to give out 50 food hampers. All we could do before was pray for the blessing of good weather and He granted it beautifully.

I was in a small team of four carollers but we worked well together even though we were strangers when we began. We had two wonderful guides, Ate Rebecca and Ate Bet, who took us around to the chosen homes and helped us carry the hampers. The children, as always, followed us from house to house and sang enthusiastically to make up for the lack of numbers, and the families we visited were open to our efforts in sharing God's love with them.

Our efforts to help the poor may seem futile for what can one lousy hamper of food and a few Christmas carols accomplish? Even our prayers, while earnest, were grossly inadequate. And yet it is precisely in the poverty of our actions that God's power could be manifested, and it was.

I felt a solidarity, a kinship, with the families I met for in praying with them and for them, I knew that God would take care of them as He does me. I merely needed to be his imperfect, limited but sincere instrument to remind them of His love for them. My desire in reverse carolling is to share my own experience of God's love with those I meet and I like to think we all managed to do that yesterday collectively as we fanned out over the hillside carolling.

This morning we threw a Christmas party for 55 children using the grounds of the Missionaries of Charity sisters and it was again a good day for a party which included outdoor games. God again granted us sunshine, and once more we worked together in one spirit to bring some fun and laughter into the lives of these children who live in the slums of Kavisayaan.

Drawing on God's inspiration, Joan and the rest of the ICPE missionaries in the Philippines (Gemma, Esther and Albert), threw an amazing party for the children. The programme was immensely enjoyed by the children. The mime, The Gift, was extremely well received. We could all feel God's presence with us throughout the morning, for again, everything ran like clockwork and the joy the children demonstrated was infectious.

The children also displayed a childlike, fervent faith that touched all our hearts and reminded us that God truly does shower an abundance of love on his beloved little ones. We just need to trust Him and be open to experiencing His love.

There is still a week left to go, but if these last two days are any indication of what is to come, I look forward to the days ahead. They will not be easy for Montalban is especially tough going physically and emotionally, but if I submit my weaknesses and fears to God, I know I will be able to stand back and be awed by His power made perfect in all of us; how He moves in and through us. His glory will shine out, as it did these last two days, over all who dwell in darkness. Nothing could be more perfect than that.

Staying awake

I have been following the journey of Hōkūleʻa, the double hulled canoe that is sailing around the world using only ancient methods of navigation, that is, to navigate by the stars, sun, waves and even sea birds.

Pwo Navigator Nainoa Thompson using the sunrise to gauge location after sailing through the night using the stars for direction. Taken from Hokulea Crew Facebook page, September 10.

Navigator Ka'iulani Murphy was explaining dead reckoning and this is what she said:

You only know where you are based on knowing where you come from. And you need to keep track of all the clues along the way.

Navigation is, after all, the process of determining where you are, where you want to go and how to get there. Thus to navigate well and stay on course, the navigator must stay awake through the night, into the day. Sometimes he or she must stay awake for as long as three days at a stretch, surreptitiously taking mini cat naps in the day.

I find the process of navigation fascinating for I have such a poor sense of direction and I wonder what I would do if I were at sea literally? I would definitely get lost. I would also be falling asleep at the helm. It is fitting that the season of Advent commences with an exhortation by Jesus to stay awake.

I certainly know where I come from and I do know where I want to go, but there are days I am hazy about how to get there. To make it worse, it is so easy to be lulled into the slumber of complacency, inertia and a comfortable spirituality.

How do I stay awake? How do I read the signs that are strewn along my path to clue me into walking in the right direction? Quality prayer time is the simple yet difficult to achieve answer.

It is therefore quite timely that Advent is here, to prepare my heart and for me to wake up from my sleep of being distracted, unfocused and undisciplined in my time management.

I leave for reverse carolling*on Thursday, so I hope that the next two weeks will be a time of renewal and intimate encounter with Jesus. I desire to find baby Jesus in the homes of the families we will be visiting around Tagaytay and Montalban in the Philippines; to allow the joy of His imminent birth to light our hearts with a warmth that will carry all of us through to Christmas Day.

My gift this Advent is to stay awake by being as mindful and prayerful as often as I draw breath. I want to also make the remaining days of 2014 count. May God grant that I ride the waves of Advent and arrive on the shores of Christmas with a ready heart, alert, expectant and alive, in time to celebrate.

* Instead of expecting a monetary gift for carolling as is customary in the Philippines, I will be teaming up with ICPE Mission Philippines and other volunteers to sing, pray and leave a hamper of Christmas goodies with each family we visit.

Sharpening our world vision

While riding the bus recently I missed my stop because the bus captain was daydreaming. It was only when I said it did not matter and that I just wanted him to be more attentive in future (conveyed in my most gentle manner, a great effort for the usual brusque me) that he abandoned his aggressive manner and apologized.

It struck me this is how we are as a people now. Hard, defensive and aggressive. Attack first even when in the wrong. It doesn't take much to get our back up for the boundaries of our personal worlds seem to have swelled radically, spilling over into others' worlds obtrusively. And we bristle when people so much as brush softly past our enormous, hyper fragile bubble worlds.

In the World segment of Vision Therapy, we are reminded that the biblical imperative is to love persons and use things. John Powell highlighted the theology of possession which is to enjoy fully what we have been given in this world by our Creator, but to also hold our possessions lightly in our hands, especially possessions like money, authority, acclaim and status. I would include possessions such as our intellect, talents and capabilities as well.

When we walk around with clenched fists, unwilling to let go of our possessions, we become less loving and joyful, we become watchful and distrustful, ready to pounce on those who dare lay their grubby fingers on our stuff. We end up using people to get what we want. We become afraid to live. We even cut ourselves off from the parts of reality we do not want to face or cope with and therefore excise the experience of living out both pain and pleasure in their fullness. We think only of ourselves and we do not want to deal with inconvenience, especially when it comes to others who cause it.

To counter unhealthy possessive tendencies, we are encouraged to foster a theology of dispossession which is to be free of the tyranny of our possessions. To unshackle our hearts and to instead save our hearts for love, and to save our love for persons.

This entails us keep giving God our blank cheque every day so that even when our backs are against the wall, we can respond with open hands.

As John Powell put it:

Life is always questioning us about our vision. Life is always in the dust of our daily living. Life is always exposing our attitudes to us if we are willing to let it do that for us. If we connect this to the biblical imperative to love persons and use things then life is constantly examining our conscience for us.

The frictions of life lay in our priorities, exposing our preferences, what we really love, and how we are called to love. Matthew, chapter 25, tells us how we are called to live in order to meet Jesus: Loving persons and using things, which come at a price. It is precisely at the moment we think we cannot afford to come out of our comfortable worlds that we must.

Helping the least of our brethren does not come when we have time and money on our hands, or only when it is convenient for us. The time is not later, but now. We should give not just out of excess - time or money - but when we do not think we can.

Feed the hungry instead of splurging on what we ourselves are lusting to eat. Welcome the stranger even when we are down and least feel like it. Clothe others by forgoing something new we desire. Look after the sick when we ourselves are not feeling all that great. Take the trouble to visit those in prison, by giving up precious and carefully hoarded free time.

When I am most tempted to say I want to be left alone and I don't want to have to care for others then I know I am called to be more available: to forget my own exhaustion and reach out; to give up my own personal preferences for the good of the other; and to give back until it hurts my bank account. I am constantly asked to come out of my comfort zone and venture into the disturbing, deeper waters of the world and unite with it.

On November 18, during his morning homily Pope Francis reminded us against living a "comfortable spirituality" where we are content to be "lukewarm". He warned that feeling spiritually comfortable is a state of sin for we do not wish to engage in the world other than in ways that predict what is good for us. We only care for appearances, expending all our energies so that we look good spiritually on the outside, ignoring that a humble, contrite heart moving in the Spirit is more important. We reject a real conversion of heart that calls for action as Zacchaeus who gave back what he had taken. To love persons and use things requires a poverty of spirit that requires us to make selfless and good choices.

I like what Elizabeth Duffy wrote in her meditation for November 24* on the widow with two coins, She, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood Luke 21:4.

Any time we think we can no longer bear a particular circumstance, we've actually reached an opportunity - there's a chance to obey, to suffer, to serve, to give in spite of ourselves and the apparent poverty of our circumstances.

When we've reached rock bottom, our very next breath is a coin in the basket.

A good way to live life, in poverty, not tied to our possessions, material or otherwise.

Rudyard Kipling's poem If says it all for me, so enjoy:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

* See October-December 2014 issue of Living Faith.

10 wonderful things single people take for granted

I will not lie. Being single can seem the worst thing on earth on days you just need someone to give you their undivided attention and sympathy, hug and kiss you and tell you honey it will be alright. Singlehood can also be the kiss of death in certain social situations. Then there is the deep ache of loneliness weighing your heart down so that it hurts to even breathe.

But there are great blessings in being single that even I forget when I am whining at God telling Him you told me my vocation is marriage and motherhood so why am I alone? I am as miserable as Hannah was when she cried in the temple, praying for a child.

My deepest sorrow in life is that I will never hold my own child against my breast and croon words of love to her. And what do I do with the names I have picked out for my unborn children? Being single can really bite, but it can also be awesome and amazing. Here's why.

1.    Sleeping alone rocks
I love snuggling in my own bed, falling asleep without someone breathing in my face or snoring in my ear. I can sleep deeply for I don't wake up when someone steals my covers or moves about in bed. I can snore as loudly as I want and make all kinds of rude noises without having to feel embarrassed or apologize. I don't have to worry about bad breath or smell his bad breath. And all those romantic couple cuddly poses you see in movies, so not comfortable. All you get is a crick in the neck. Trust me, sleeping alone rocks.

2.    Jesus is The One
We all look for the perfect soulmate in life, the one person who gets us completely and loves us despite knowing all our flaws. Jesus is that perfect once-in-a-lifetime spouse. He loves me unconditionally and He will never betray me - more like I will be the unfaithful party who will be forgiven my sins before I even utter sorry. Go figure.

Every day He showers me with little gifts to make me feel loved. He guides me when I am lost and He protects me when I am afraid. He always shows me a good time. And when he can't show up in person, he always sends somebody else to take good care of me. He is the consummate lover. Whenever I am sad and lonely, his is the voice that tells me honey it will be alright. And it is.

3.   I am not alone
As the Michael Jackson song goes: You are not alone, I am here with you. This is what God whispers to me in the dark, destructive storms of life as well as in the bright, sunny days. He is with me always and will never desert me. I may not always believe this or feel comforted by this promise He made me, yet He is there, a stalwart presence, my saviour and my song. Oh that today I would listen to His voice with an open and tender heart and see His face.

4.    The joy of eating alone
It may feel awkward eating alone in a fine dining restaurant but eating on your own has its merits. I can enjoy my food without having to make any obligatory small talk. Especially after a long, hard day at work, vegging out in front of the telly with my dinner can be the most appetizing option. Best of all, I can eat whatever I want without having to consider someone else's food likes and dislikes.

5.    I get to play good times mummy
I love children and children love me. I am good at taking care of children and I enjoy the company of little munchkins. Although I would have wanted children of my own, I am increasingly grateful I have none for motherhood is not an easy vocation, especially today. It isn't just the tensions of juggling work and home, but the world as it is today, where hatred, injustice, violence and sexual perversion abound. How would I protect and teach my children well? Better to get my baby fix by playing with the children of others for a few hours and leaving them with their parents to go home to a silent apartment. The sound of silence is never as sweet as after a few hours of screaming kids.

6.    The power of one
Being single means total freedom. I get to choose whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. I can be as selfish as I wish to be and I don't have to plan my life around someone else's schedule. My energies revolve around my life alone. What I earn I get to spend on myself. It does mean I end up doing things on my own when it's nice to share life at times, but it is all par for the course. There is no ideal state of life except yours and what you make of it.

7.    Filial piety is no struggle
I am Asian and family means the world to me. To be able to take care of my parents is one of life's greatest blessings, to repay them for their love and sacrifice. Without a husband and children to look after means I can look after my parents in the way I would want.

I am grateful for the experience of being one of my father's primary caregiver in the last six months of his life for it taught me how to love in a way that has transformed me into a stronger, kinder and wiser person. In losing him I found God, an incredibly enriching trade off. Plus, being Catholic, I know that I have not really lost my father. He is waiting for me and we will be reunited in eternity.

Living with my mother and taking care of her is one of my greatest joys today for she is my best friend and my champion. I sometimes mourn the day she will depart, but this also makes me celebrate the present when she is here with me now.

8.    Life is a great adventure
Being single means I am flying with fewer restrictions. Marriage means you must cleave to your spouse. Motherhood means your children's welfare is paramount. What about singles? What am I called to do in order to come out of I, me and myself and do something worthwhile with my life? In this respect, the world is my oyster. I can do many small things with great love and reach out to more people than I could if I were married with children. I can take off on mission outreaches with minimum fuss and planning. In giving God the controls, I have been and continue to be on the ride of my life. It is awesome.

9.    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Is my life beautiful? It is because I made a conscious choice to look for beauty in my life every day. And it is always there if I look carefully enough. There is always something to be grateful for even on days I wish I had never gotten out of bed. The smile of the aunty who served me my Milo peng. The glorious coolness of tropical Singapore when it rains cats and dogs. There is even beauty in the tears of loneliness I weep, for in loneliness are the seeds of my supreme humanity, the call to love. When I say yes to the call with a heart devoid of selfishness and ego, it leads to great and beauteous acts.

10.    Let the creative juices flow
Being single challenges me to be creative, as God is, which is to be extremely creative. I may not be married with children even though this is my deepest desire, but that doesn't mean I am short-changed of the experience of being married and of being a mother.

I can be as loving, caring, faithful, nurturing, giving, patient, forgiving, generous and compassionate as a wife and mother is with the people I love. I can exercise all the gifts I have with others around me. It just takes a little more imagination, a little more work and a tweaking of one's perspective to see I am wife and mother, even as a single woman, and without the woes of a real married mother. It doesn't get better than that.

Why being single is not so bad

I met K for coffee the other day and what made me smile was how she tried to "corrupt" me. You must find someone. Never mind marriage, forget it. Just look for someone to love, for companionship.

I love you, K, and know that you love me, but get thee behind me, satan.

Seeing as platonic relationships are not in vogue, I don't know why my friends bother to try changing my views when they know I am an orthodox Catholic. Chastity is my choice and not one that sits well with many men today so I am realistically living my life as a chaste, single woman. I may not have set out to be single but it is not as cursed a life as people seem to think. I am happy. I am productive. I am creative. I am fulfilled.

As I do not moralize when I am with friends who live less than exemplary lives, I wish they would return the favour and stop preaching to me. Yes, I believe that lust, masturbation, fornication and adultery are serious sins, but more than that, I believe that they pervert love and lead to an unhealthy obsession with sex and to sexual addictions. I prefer to remain free of addiction for I know what it is like to be held prisoner to it.

I also choose to experience love the way God created love to be experienced. Christopher West summed it up in four words: Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful. Only a man who loves me for who I am and is willing to die for me will suit. Thus, Jesus Christ is the man for me. His act of love over 2,000 years ago speaks volumes to me even today and so I have opted to make Him a very real presence in my life.

I am not interested in using but in giving when it comes to relationships. I refuse to use a man, woman or thing to stave off loneliness for I know that loneliness in itself is not a bad thing and is part of the human condition. Loneliness drives me to seek union with God and in seeking union with God, I find myself connecting with others in loving and life-giving ways that fulfil me and give me joy. It does take time and constant effort to get it right, to move out of the depressed inertia loneliness often spawns, but when I succeed, something inside changes. I am purer, stronger.

This is the true gift of Christianity, of my Catholic faith, the deep understanding of what I was created for and how I should live my life: to serve with love. In saying yes to the personal and unique mission God has entrusted me, I am renewed and made whole time and again. Making God my first priority has made me His. It's a grace that is more than sufficient and like loneliness, you have to experience it for yourself, if not, you will not get it. All I can do is encourage you to try Gospel living. Seek to die to self.

Even if loneliness remains the gnawing physical pain Shireen Dadkhah describes in her article 10 heartbreaking struggles single people never talk about*, it is lessened and made bearable for self-giving love cleanses the soul. Being good to others makes one’s entire being light up and hum with quiet joy. 

As the song goes, you're nobody till somebody loves you...so find yourself somebody to love. Yes, even if nobody loves you, you can choose to love someone. I am not talking about celebrity adulation or stalker obsessive kind of love here, people. Love your difficult parent or someone who needs a helping hand. This has surprising rewards.

It is a myth that couples live idyllic lives. Even married folks get lonely, ask them. If they are truly honest, they will tell you they sometimes wish they were single again for they are weighed down with more responsibilities and yet, still feel achingly unfulfilled occasionally. 

Some even choose to remain lonely in a relationship than be single for the word single conjures up horrors for them. Pardon my French but that's absolute baloney the world would have you think is true, that single people are lonelier people. I have seen friends remain in relationship hell because they cannot handle the thought of going solo until they are forced to do so and what they all find is uncoupling is actually liberating. Life goes on, better than before, after the dust settles.

When I asked my friend N last Sunday how she celebrated her recent birthday, she pointed at her two young children: it was either looking after her, or him. She didn't get time off from being a mummy. Certainly the path ahead may be clearer for married people but it isn't any easier (more circumscribed if anything). Forget about the grass being greener. It is neither on either side. We all have our highs and lows whether we are part of a couple or single.

Sure, eating alone sucks, the universe operates in pairs, there is no one to hug you when you need one, cooking for one is a pain and the deafening silence of being home alone can be frightening, but bear in mind that happiness is not something we can find, like a lost earring or a new restaurant. Neither is it something we can pray for, hoping that God will grant it in an instant.

Likewise, loneliness is not something we can dissipate by railing at God or envying others. Neither can we eradicate it with one night stands, retail therapy or partying one’s brains out. That’s just treating the symptoms, disastrously, I might add, and it only breeds narcissism of the worst order.

While some of what Shireen Dadkhah writes resonates with me, perhaps because I am older than Shireen, having eaten more salt than she has rice as Grandma would say, I can declare being single doesn’t have to be one constant heartache, one eternal sorrow, even if it can be a colossal struggle at times.

Life is so much more than one’s state of life. Love comes in more ways than what is portrayed in the movies as the ultimate prize: boy meets girl, they fall in love and they live happily ever after. Single people are called to experience love in more ways than married people, to really get creative. The possibilities are infinite. Explore them. Quit being lazy or self-indulgent. Think outside of the box of social convention. Grow into your passions. Actualize the desires God places in your heart. Most of all, stop buying into the idea that a single person is a sad lesser being, incomplete and flawed. Live well in spite of your limitations. It is possible to be single and living in joyous solitude.

I did not choose to be single, but I can surely choose to work with it and be at peace with it. I know it’s clichéd but keep looking for the half-full glass and then give thanks for whatever you find in the glass. Or perhaps it is empty because you have already tasted the living water** but don't quite know it yet. 

* You can read Shireen Dadkhah’s article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/shireen-dadkhah/2014/11/10-absolutely-heartbreaking-struggles-single-people-never-talk-about/

** Like the woman at the well when she encountered Jesus. 

Sustaining a revolution of tenderness

Lately I have been in a little bit of a funk which is bad for I am impatient and irritable. I dread participating actively in the world and worse, the awkward, ungainly teenager who suffers from low self-esteem, zero confidence and a pessimistic world view reigns. She brings me back to the place of failure, regret and self-recrimination, and holds me there, prisoner to fear and paranoia.

My vision of others, God and the world distorts wildly and I withdraw into an introspective half-life, much like the disciples before both the Passion and Pentecost. I run away. I lie to myself first, then others. I deny Christ. I stop praying and I reject love which could strengthen me and bring out the best in me. I react childishly constantly. I lose the wisdom and maturity to make good decisions. I am faithless. Worst of all, I betray the ones who love me most.

In this defeatist state of mind it is so easy to think nobody loves me and that what I do is worthless. Why would God bother with useless, petty me? He must be mad to love a "sourpuss" like me. The pope warns against such temptations in Evangelii Gaudium, EG, his latest document. A missionary spirituality requires self-awareness to guard against a heightened individualism, a crisis of identity and a cooling of fervour.

The grace that has aided me through this season of winter has been a certain level of faith even as I battled my spiritual sloth. This has kept me afloat so that I made it to work, Bible classes and ministry meetings without being a complete grouch despite my lack of inner joy.

My faith is founded on better days, days when I knew I was the disciple whom Jesus loves. As my spiritual director pointed out, this is the thrust of John's Gospel: to abide in God so much that I can identify I am the beloved disciple, the one who lays her head on his chest, knowing He sayangs* me; and who recognizes, "It is the Lord," when my senses tell me otherwise.

As Pope Francis writes encouragingly in Evangelii Gaudium (84): With the eyes of faith, we can see the light which the Holy Spirit always radiates in the midst of darkness, never forgetting that “where sin increased, grace has abounded all the more (Rom 5:20).

Apart from allowing my memories of past grace moments to fuel my enthusiasm to serve, I also hold fast to what Saint Paul was told: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9). In surrendering my weaknesses to the Lord, His strength and power will grow in me, perfecting me.

Two recent events stand out as testimony to His love for me and encourage me to a renewed encounter with Christ every day. The first is this:

I had completely forgotten I had a client to teach at eight in the morning two Fridays ago so I was prepared to get up late. I had already woken up but was still lolling around in bed when in my head I heard the name of my client spoken. Immediately that sparked a memory of us making the appointment and I jumped out of bed, raced to get ready and I managed to make the appointment by a hair. Thank God for guardian angels who remind perimenopausal, brain-clouded women where they need to be.

The second incident happened last Saturday after I attended All Saints’ Day mass at Saint Ignatius and was on the bus home. I alighted only to discover that I had dropped my wallet on the bus. Without a cent on me, I needed assistance desperately. Completely helpless, I prayed. I asked Saints Jude and Anthony for their intercession, as well as my mum and A, who happened to text me at the time.

Then I asked a man who was waiting at the bus stop if he could be so kind as to donate the bus fare for me to get to the bus depot and track my wallet down. He handed me two dollars without hesitation. When I boarded the bus and explained my plight to the driver, he acceded sympathetically to my hitching a free ride. Blurting out thanks profusely, I returned the money to my Good Samaritan who was reluctant to take it at first. Amazingly, I managed to retrieve my wallet with contents intact when I reached the depot.

Words cannot begin to describe my gratitude. I am grateful for the kindness of strangers as I am for the communion of saints, but I am most thankful that even in my insignificant, small life, God has shown great interest and love. How can I therefore stay uninvolved and apathetic when I am shown such care at every turn?

Meanwhile, the Gospel tells us constantly to run the risk of a face-to-face encounter with others, with their physical presence which challenges us, with their pain and their pleas, with their joy which infects us in our close and continuous interaction. True faith in the incarnate Son of God is inseparable from self-giving, from membership in the community, from service, from reconciliation with others. The Son of God, by becoming flesh, summoned us to the revolution of tenderness. EG 88

The saints of yesteryear are proof that a revolution of tenderness existed when they walked this earth and still exists to change the world today. If I am to be part of the revolution, I need to shape up and ensure I keep exercising my faith. But first, I need to find my joy back, bit by bit. 

* Malay for dotes on or loves.

Perfecting the principle of love

As we (the W2W Ministry) worked through life principles in Vision Therapy last Friday evening, we acknowledged that while the life principle of love was greatly desired, other life principles such as power, pleasure and the avoidance of responsibility often seem to take precedence and diminish our love efforts.

It is not easy to be a loving person all the time without wanting to be so on our own terms and conditions. Love is not easy. Whether it is at work, where our colleagues and bosses evoke feelings of dislike and even disgust, or at home, where the self-serving actions of family members make us angry and less inclined to be loving.

As Christians we all know the biblically correct answer: to love as Jesus did, but do we live it out as readily as we pronounced the words? Are our actions dictated by our personal experiences of a real and living God in our lives? Are we like the Thessalonians of long ago who were exemplary models for all believers with their joyful living and worshipping?

This morning Father Luke Fong reminded all present at mass that this fundamental experience of being loved by the Father is something we often overlook. When we forget how we have been touched by Divine love, we forget to honour and treasure that Divine love in true worship and gratitude. We are not able to see the Divine in others, especially those who are not like us (and therefore people we find difficult to love).

Thus we ignore that the call to love our neighbour is not just the person we know and love, but the stranger in our midst who grates on our nerves and offends our sensibilities. Is this brand of loving possible? Not on our own strength and, not all the time. But, through Him, with Him and in Him, we can overcome our human inclinations and love with perfection.

Father Luke explained that the perfection of God we are exhorted to emulate in Matthew 5:48 is not the Aristotelian or Platonic concept of being without flaw, but the Hebraic definition which is completion. When love is complete, it has no boundaries or demarcations, no distinctions. It is a mature love that transcends the flawed individuals and situations around us. And we can love others with no expectation of reciprocity or amity.

Father Luke also shared this story of what Father Daniel Berrigan (if I heard him correctly) responded when asked whether spirituality was more that of the mind or of the heart. He said it was neither, but more that of the ass, where and what we find ourselves sitting on, be it the whiny friend, obnoxious neighbour, hostile workplace or broken family.

As we women discovered on Friday, we are each placed in different life situations and we each face different challenges. We each sit in different places and on different circumstances. The common denominator is our love for God. So even though we are on different trajectories and in varied stages of our spiritual journeys, we can aspire to this perfection of love if we allow the law of gradualness to work in our lives.

The perfect love Father Luke spoke of can be ours if we place ourselves in the presence of God, in every breath and heartbeat, every single day. Rather than placing God in a box to forget Him until we attend mass weekly, we should live inside the box of God’s love so that we radiate His love as the Thessalonians did. The world becomes our oyster for we have the pearl of great price in our grasp, this incomparable living, breathing love of God.

How we arrive at this place of perfect love is as much in our commitment to prayer (that is to be teachable and open to the wisdom of God in our lives), as it is in our attitude and its attendant actions (to do the right thing always even when we don’t feel like it and we stand to lose out). And it takes, in the words of Pope Francis, patient expectation and apostolic endurance, without grumbling or overreacting (Evangelii Gaudium 24).

Matt Redman reminds us in his song Heart of Worship: it’s all about you, Jesus. If we truly do make our worship all about Jesus, in as many waking moments as possible, then we are on our way to making the principle of love ours in our daily living. We will keep on trying in our current situations to be the better person, choose the better part and make the best decision, rather than allow the muddy waters we are in to besmirch our integrity and make us falter.

Thank you, Father Luke, for an inspiring homily, and helping me see how I can keep the greatest commandment of loving God wholeheartedly in loving self and neighbour with completeness. So I can be perfect, as my heavenly Father is perfect.

Choosing the principle of love

I have been attending Bible study classes on the Gospel of John these last weeks and it has been enjoyable and enlightening, especially when Monsignor Vaz spoke about the application of John 15:16. It was a mini revelation for me.

You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name.

We have been chosen. We have been appointed and empowered to bear lasting fruit, the fruit of love. And we are able to love in such a powerful way, a love that lasts eternally, because He has enabled us to do so. If we have truly received the love of God, that is, experienced it in our hearts, then we will be able to display this boundless, unconditional love of God to others.

Thus, if someone steals my parking spot or displays aggression to me, because I love the other as God loves him or her, it does not matter to me. I will not get all bent out of shape and retaliate in a similar fashion. Instead, I will bless the other with restraint and calm. Really? Is that possible?

I was reminded of how I accidentally cut a queue just last May (I didn't think they were waiting to order) and the people behind me just happily continued chatting away and waited till their turn came. I was embarrassed when I realized my mistake but they did not mind at all. Only in Hawaii - where people are super nice. But why not in Singapore, too, and the rest of the world?

Father Ronald Rolheiser published on September 15* that:

Faced with a threat, our primal instincts tend to take over and we instantly freeze over and begin to shut all the doors opening to warmth, gentleness, and empathy inside us.

This is a biological instinct in each of us: fight or flight in order to survive. But unlike animals, we humans have been given free will, to choose freely how we wish to react, which path to take in life. We are called to neither fight nor run away when faced with opposition, but to stay and find a middle ground, aided by love.

That does not seem to be the way of the world now. As Father Rolheiser writes:

We live in a bitterly polarized world.  All of us recognize this, and all of us see a lot of cold-bloodedness inside world politics, inside the politics within our own countries and communities, and, sadly, not least, inside our churches. What we see in nearly every discussion today where there is disagreement is a cold, hard rhetoric that is not really open to genuine dialogue and is, invariably, the antithesis of charity, graciousness, and respect. What we see instead is paranoia, demonization of those who disagree with us, ridicule of our opponents’ sincerity and values, and blind self-defensiveness.

Moreover this bitterness and disrespect, so contrary to all that’s in the Gospels and to all that’s noble inside us, is invariably “sacralized”, that is, it is rationalized as demanded by “God” because we believe that what we are doing is for God, or for truth, or for country, or for the poor, or for mother-nature, or for art, or for something whose transcendent value, we believe, justifies our bracketing both Jesus and common courtesy.

Therein lies the danger, when we sacralize our disrespect and lack of elemental charity, becoming more skilled in justification than in self-examination, and, in doing this we are far from the Gospel, far from Jesus, and far from what’s best inside us. 

Spreading the joy of God's love, the one true God, is never about flying an airplane into a building, nor is it about beating someone up in a fast food restaurant because they rejected our overtures. Zeal for God is never violent, angry or full of hate.

Father Rolheiser reminds us: We’re called to something higher, called to respond to threat beyond the blind response of instinct. He paraphrases Saint Paul when he encourages us to: Live with enough patience inside opposition so as not have to defend yourself, let God and history do that for you.

He ends his piece by saying the litmus test of Christian discipleship is the challenge set by Christ himself to us. Questions we need to constantly ask ourselves are:

Can I love an enemy? Can I bless someone who curses me? Can I wish good to someone who wishes me evil? Can I genuinely forgive someone who’s been unfair to me?  And, perhaps even more importantly, can I live in patience when I’m in tension, not rushing to defend myself, but leaving that defense to history and to God?

This World Mission Sunday, it's worthwhile reflecting and choosing what kind of Christian do I want to be and if I choose Christ's principle of love, then I must act out that love, more so in the face of opposition and criticism, and when I attempt to share His love with others. Maybe then I will actually abide in Christ and He will abide in me.

* To read the entire article which is good, go to: http://ronrolheiser.com/on-how-we-react-to-criticism-and-opposition/#.VEKBA38ayK0

Defining mission

I was asked to contribute what mission means to me for Mission Sunday. An edited version of the article below appeared in the Catholic News in its October 19 2014 issue. Besides sharing my original version here, I would like to add a couple more thoughts on mission which were not developed due to length constraints. I have added them (in italics) at the end of the article:

My spiritual director once shared with me a question he asked in morning prayer: "Lord, show me how to love." This question is the starting point not only of my day upon waking, but of how I wish to lead my life. The things I want to accomplish on a day-to-day basis, and the dreams I desire to bring to fruition in the intermediate and distant future are all tied to this fundamental question that shapes and defines mission for me.

Mission means service. As a follower of Christ, it is to concretise the love of God in this world, sharing the joy of being a beloved child of God, and thus helping others make that same connection: to fall in love with Jesus and live in intimate and loving relationship with the Father.

More specifically it involves using my gifts and talents to touch lives, bringing light and happiness (or at least a smile) to whoever I meet and wherever I go. If I were to zoom in further, to share what is uniquely my mission, it translates into what I do for a living, I teach, and what I love to do and I am good at, I write.

As a single woman who cares for a healthy, independent parent, I have time to devote to weekly ministry meetings* that support women in their faith journeys. I am also active in my parish as a lector, and help out with the youth and faith formation ministries on an ad hoc basis (PIMBY** is my latest involvement). Previously I served two terms in the Parish Pastoral Council at Saint Teresa's.

Apart from financially supporting ICPE Mission Philippines's efforts as well as other worthy causes, I participate in reverse carolling, an annual outreach to bring the joy of Christ's birth to families living in the Montalban dumpsite in the Philippines. The Church's teaching of subsidiarity is important to me and I tithe a percentage of my earnings - give until it hurts is my rule of thumb.

I became a Companion of the ICPE Mission this year for I desired to live out the expression of my vocation, and my mission, more holistically and in a richer manner. ICPE's spirituality of worship and evangelisation gives me that renewed focus and encouragement through faith formation and the sharing of lives as a community of like-minded individuals.

Drawing from the well of covenanted community, my baptismal covenant is made so much stronger and I am emboldened to go out and share the Good News outside the parameters of Church.

It is important to note that mission is not reserved to efforts merely within our immediate communities. It is so easy to remain stuck within the confines of parish, home and country and not venture outside my familiar and known world (in my case it's my Catholic world). It is tempting to dismiss the cries of many in need, thousands of miles away, for events outside my environment do not directly impact my life.  

As I mature in my spiritual walk, I am challenged to go beyond what I know, to reach out to what Pope Francis calls the peripheries. Where should I go in order that I can go beyond my comfort zone? What should I do to reflect a more heartfelt response to God's invitation to be an active participant in the wedding banquet as described in yesterday's Gospel of Matthew 22:1-14? Who are the people I am called to love that challenge my complacency and my equilibrium?  I must not just go after the low hanging fruit, but strive to love, as Blessed Mother Teresa did:  ...if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

I will never be as magnanimous as Blessed Mother Teresa, but I can choose to love as she did, thereby allowing God to use me as He wills, and write the story of my life, my mission here on earth.  

* The Woman to Woman Ministry is an ICPE Mission ministry that draws women from all walks of life to come together and grow in their faith in a nurturing environment and thus to empower them to build a civilisation of love in their lives.

** PIMBY stands for Pilgrimage in my Backyard. I act as a tour guide to visitors, highlighting the rich history of the Church of Saint Teresa and encouraging visitors to reflect on their faith journeys. We also pay a visit to the Carmelite monastery nearby. Saint Teresa's is one of several churches in the Singapore Archdiocese to run PIMBY.

Making life beautiful

I was asked last Friday* to reflect on life: what it means to me, what is my version of a most satisfying life, and to write a life script.

It was a joy to discover how far I have come from my previous woeful refrain of life sucks then you die. I used to hate life, huge portions of my life.

I was unhappy and felt like a complete failure with no control over my life. I was not free and had no idea how to achieve freedom, try as I might to find it. Life was a box of chocolates filled with just the ones I hated, and left me craving for more.

Today I see life as exciting, albeit challenging at times, brimming with infinite possibilities. Life is an adventure to be savoured every step of the way.

It can be tiresome occasionally, and I have to juggle the tensions of what I would like to do and what I actually do constantly. It can be a tussle between my own selfish inclinations and the deep desires that clamour to emerge from the bowels of inertia and lack of self-confidence.

Sometimes, I wish to stay in my own comfort zone and say don't bother me for I am doing the best I can when I know that's not true. I can always do more, be more, squeeze more out of life, except my own concupiscence gets in the way.  

My saving grace is my love for He who loved me first and with such tender beauty. Whenever we meet in prayer, He creates in me feelings of hope, peace, joy, fulfilment and love that draw me to Him even more, and toward His will. I may not understand His version of life for me all the time and yet, I believe in it and buy into it wholesale.

Even if it means I will get hurt, I will suffer great loss and life will bite at times, I still choose to love as Jesus does; to lay down my life by dying to self and therefore open the door to new life. I did this 11 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for me and my life. I won't lie, it wasn't easy in the beginning, and it felt as if too much was asked of me, but it is the principle of biblical paradox that will weave its own inimitable mystery.

Saint Thérèse of Lisieux said:  Holiness is a disposition of the heart that makes us humble and little in the arms of God, aware of our weakness, and confident -- in the most audacious way -- in His Fatherly goodness.

I'd like to think that I have flashes of her audacity, for clichéd as it may sound, in experiencing the Father's goodness I find life to be beautiful and it promises to be more of the same. I just have to open my heart to its beauty.

* The W2W Ministry is doing the life segment of John Powell's Vision Therapy. 

Listening to angels and saints

I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared. Be attentive to him and listen to his voice. Exodus 23:20-21

When we walk in the desert of life, we are more attentive to the signs that lead to survival. Our senses are naturally sharpened by fear and desperation. And yet, in order to act with wisdom and love, we must be attentive to the right voices, the ones God sends our way. If not, we might, like the Israelites, wander in the desert of our hearts for a very long time, parched and near death.

Besides my guardian angel for whom I give thanks for today as we celebrate our guardian angels, I also give thanks for angels like Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, patroness of missionaries and most beloved of my parish, Church of Saint Teresa.

I liked this reflection taken from the app Laudate yesterday, the feast day of Saint Thérèse, for it really says it all for me:

What makes St Thérèse so special?
   
We have grown used to the idea that just as there are people with talents for sport or scholarship, and the rest of us can only admire them without trying to keep up, so there are people with a talent for holiness and heroic virtue, and the rest of us can only bumble along as best we can. We can’t do better because we’re not designed to do better, so there’s no point in trying. We sink into a consoling mediocrity.

Thérèse wrecks this. She was physically weak and psychologically vulnerable. For her the great saints were giants, they were inaccessible mountains, and she was only an “obscure grain of sand;” but she was not discouraged. St John of the Cross taught her that God can never inspire desires that cannot be fulfilled. The Book of Proverbs told her, “If anyone is a very little one, let him come to me.” If you only look, Scripture is permeated with images of our littleness and weakness with respect to God, and of his care for us in our insignificance.
  
Thérèse’s “Little Way” means taking God at his word and letting his love for us wash away our sins and imperfections. When a priest told her that her falling asleep during prayer was due to a want of fervour and fidelity and she should be desolate over it, she wrote “I am not desolate. I remember that little children are just as pleasing to their parents when they are asleep as when they are awake.”
  
We can’t all hug lepers or go off and become missionaries and martyrs. But we all do have daily opportunities of grace. Some of them may be too small to see, but the more we love God, the more we will see them. If we can’t advance to Heaven in giant strides, we can do it in tiny little steps. Our weakness is no excuse for mediocrity.

Like Saint Thérèse, I can be weak and ordinary with just one talent and I can aspire to be a saint, and that is to have an extraordinary love for God.

Saints like the Little Flower are signposts that point out to us the way to the Father. They inspire us to make good decisions every day, to attune our hearts and minds to the Almighty. Like our guardian angels, they can bring us to where God is leading us if we pay close attention.

There are many voices in our lives, especially when we are tired, discouraged, angry, bitter, lonely and afraid, so it pays to pray daily for our guardian angel to light and guard, to rule and guide. Then listen in the stillness to hear the one true voice of our angel.

NB In his morning homily at mass, Pope Francis encourages us to listen with the attitude of a child so that we can hear our guardian angel with an open and docile heart. See:  http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/pope-s-morning-homily-consult-your-guardian-angels

Adding value to womanhood

Recently a slew of young actresses have had digital images of their scantily clad or nude forms made public without their express permission or prior knowledge. It is many things: illegal, an invasion of privacy, malicious, salacious, disgusting, degrading, a form of oppression, abuse and the subjugation of women.

In the world of gaming, the themes of sex and violence are rampant and gamers are encouraged to, I was told in one game, finds ways to kill a prostitute they had sex with and take back what they paid for services rendered. There are even chat rooms where people discuss the best ways to commit murder and score points.

Is there a correlation between the dark, perverted world cyber space can be (where sexual predators stalk and groom innocent children, and where the sex trade has gone high tech) and the high incidence of sexual assaults on American campuses over which President Obama has taken concrete steps to address? I would say a big yes.

"From sports leagues to pop culture to politics, our society does not sufficiently value women,” Mr. Obama said. “We still don’t condemn sexual assault as loudly as we should.”*

Isn't it ironic when our more evolved societies value women less and less and misogyny wears a socially acceptable face, masquerading as sexual liberation?

We are all born with a sexual appetite but when we feed it the junk of pornography and erotica, so prevalent and accepted in societies now, we end up sexualizing the human body, treating it like a commodity. We often pass off nudity as worthy of artistic merit, or as a personal and free choice and therefore beyond criticism except by narrow-minded prudes. Every time we do that, we end up perverting our own humanity and we eventually become slaves to lust. We use each other, and our own bodies, to get our sexual kicks. We become addicted to sex and obsessed with physical beauty in an unhealthy and extreme fashion.

While the FBI goes after the hackers who splashed those images of celebrities online, we women can do something immediate and effective ourselves: stop objectifying and sexualizing your own body and stop taking nude or risqué photos of yourself and sending them to men. Why are you encouraging men to look at you as a sexual object? Why are you devaluing your own personhood?

The female body is very beautiful but why have we bought into this centrefold mentality to embrace our beauty? The man in your life should look at you with desire but he should not be salivating over your body like a piece of meat.

If a man is with you only because you look hot in a bikini and have a string of men lusting after you, there is something seriously wrong. And if you want that, there is something more than seriously wrong with you. I don't need a crystal ball to tell you the relationship won't last, or that he will eventually trade you in for a younger, sexier model.

I admit, as a woman, it is nice to be looked at admiringly by the opposite sex, to be told I look beautiful. But when a man holds a conversation with my chest, I feel violated. I am much more than the sum of my body parts and I demand to be loved and respected as such.

If we want to be valued for our human dignity, both male and female, we should begin by behaving with more respect for who we are, especially our bodies which are gifts from God and expressions of His sanctity and grace.

We need to teach our children, both girls and boys, how to love and respect their own bodies, and those of others. Teach them modesty, decorum and common decency. Teach them boundaries as well as the difference between right and wrong, good and evil.

And girls in college, nix the X-rated selfies, dressing and behaving like a slut, drinking till you pass out or doing drugs. Stay safe and do not let men treat you less than human, less than a woman. You deserve so much more.

*  Quote taken from: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/20/us/politics/obama-campaign-college-sexual-assaults.html