God is in the detail

I managed to pass my Pilates practical exam yesterday and I am over the beautiful haze-enhanced moon (we have been having a haze problem in Southeast Asia). I was initially berating myself for forgetting a couple of things (unforgivable to me) but my mother put it into perspective for me with a simple Be satisfied! She was right, of course, given that I have been panicked and jittery this last month and practically had a meltdown early afternoon before my exam.

It's not that I cannot teach but having to remember exercise flowcharts are the worst thing on earth for the unstructured me who also happens to suffer from perimenopausal brain cloud.

How was I going to plan and teach a holistic programme specifically designed for a "client" I will meet for the first time, using these charts and also keep track of the requisite number of exercises I had to teach on seven pieces of equipment, using multiple props?

As recent as last Friday's practice session, I thought I was doomed. When I complained to J that the devil was in the detail, she corrected me by saying God is in the detail.

With that she reminded me that any task worth doing is one that requires single-minded devotion. It also highlighted to me how God has literally taken care of me these last weeks, down to the most minute detail.

First, I had enough work the previous month so that my skeletal work schedule this month did not adversely affect my bank account. Then He took care of my study schedule by providing me with time to study: clients just disappeared on vacation and for any number of reasons, all of which I happily accepted.

He found me a study mate, sent me a bunch of cheerleaders and even provided a place to practise in peace. Then He sent me personal messages of encouragement through the Divine Office and the lectionary daily.

Most significant has been my ability not to give in to a real and deep despair and give up completely. I have been assailed with immense fear every day for the last month. A spirit of overpowering negativity has shrouded this entire endeavour.

However, I have refused to give in to it and have instead left it all on the Lord's doorstep as I pressed on grimly with the task at hand. I prayed through the self-doubt, the apprehension, and even the nightmares that portended failure.

I have been buoyed by the prayers of all my friends and relatives as I shamelessly asked them all to pray for me. I thank all of them for every prayer has helped me through this crazy period.

That my memory kicked in at the right times is nothing short of miraculous. That my programming was sound (earning praise even) is due in no small part to the wisdom of the Spirit (I wisely put thought into devising one after mass on Sunday).

I feel like a classic case of biblical hyperbole where women beyond childbearing years were blessed with children as Elizabeth who bore Saint John the Baptist was, whose Nativity we incidentally celebrated yesterday.

The reading from Jeremiah was especially for me:

In the days of King Josiah, the word of the LORD came to me, saying:

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I dedicated you,
a prophet to the nations I appointed you.

“Ah, Lord GOD!” I said,
“I know not how to speak; I am too young.”
But the LORD answered me,
Say not, “I am too young.”
To whomever I send you, you shall go;
whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Have no fear before them,
because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.

Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,

See, I place my words in your mouth!

That was, for me, a benediction and kept me from a massive pre-exam anxiety attack. There was so much adrenaline in my system that I developed a tension headache post-exam and could not sleep last night despite downing beer, that was how consumed by fear I was.

I now have my theory paper to sit for this coming Sunday and while it is another test of my memory, it is not as formidable as the practical. I will continue to do my part these remaining days and I want to praise God for His planning.

C'est vrai, le bon Dieu est dans le detail!

Loving in the now

Travelling on the train yesterday, I overheard a group of young teenaged boys talking about what they gave their fathers for Father’s Day and I was mildly amused.

"He likes coffee, so anything coffee-related is good."  "My dad likes chocolate so I got him some." "Mine likes to smoke so I got him cigarettes." Hmmm...

While I did go visit my father in the columbarium to wish him and thank him, and tell him I missed him, I don’t believe in just setting aside one day in the year to be grateful to my parents, for it should be an everyday affair when it comes to honouring and showing gratitude to parents, living and deceased.

I am a student of the ordinary, of quotidian rhythms that can get tiresome for it is easy to impress with the big gestures: spend lavishly in gift-giving and go out to a fancy restaurant for a meal.

What is not so easy is to give time and constant effort to caring for loved ones, especially when so many other things seem more important.

Saint Paul said this to the Corinthians:

Behold, now is a very acceptable time
behold, now is the day of salvation.
We cause no one to stumble in anything,
in order that no fault may be found with our ministry;
on the contrary, in everything we commend ourselves
as ministers of God, through much endurance,
in afflictions, hardships, constraints,
beatings, imprisonments, riots,
labors, vigils, fasts;
by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness,
in the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love, in truthful speech,
in the power of God;
with weapons of righteousness at the right and at the left;
through glory and dishonor, insult and praise.

Based on the above advice, living in the here and now is paramount: to live purely, wisely, patiently and kindly in the present, regardless of one’s circumstances.

Saint Thérèse  of Lisieux believed in The Little Way, in showing commitment even in the most mundane of tasks, and acting lovingly to all she met on a daily basis (even those who were not loving towards her). She was a humble, young woman who understood how to live out the now with an attentive mindfulness of God’s abundant love.  

In a day, there are many opportunities to show those around us that we care, especially our parents who are often forgotten when more pressing matters require our immediate attention.  

Now that Father’s Day and Mother’s Day have passed, let us not forget that every day can be a day for thanking our parents in little ways that can mean a lot.

Do it now.  

Change for the good

I was gifted this morning with a dream that was so real that upon waking, I had to ask myself if she were still alive for it felt as if she was. The she is my late paternal grandmother, a woman who was an integral part of my formative years.

Mama was a woman who was at once charming, loving and slightly poisonous. She could be the most giving and nurturing person, a genuinely good woman, but her philosophy of divide and conquer brought a spirit of disunity into the family.

I was fortunate I was mostly able to sieve out the lies and half truths from the truths and navigate my way safely through her minefield of gibes, taunts and manipulative manoeuvrings.

Despite her flaws, deep as they were, I am proud and glad that she was my grandmother, for from her, I learned how to be nurturing, generous, kind, strong, courageous, loyal, practical, pragmatic and capable. I also learned to cook from her, and to appreciate what good food is (in my dream, we were eating a delicious lunch together).

Conversely, other lessons I drew from her include decisions I made at an early age not to be manipulative, mean and a total bxxxx for I hated it when she exhibited less than sterling qualities.

Unlike soap operas, there are no true archetypes in real life. We are a mix of good and bad, capable of being villainous and heroic at the same time.

As A said to me last Sunday, "Jesus still has a lot to work in me." We will always be works in progress, but the question is whether we recognize our flaws and weaknesses and are motivated to do something positive with them.

If we want to see change, then we need to open ourselves to being corrected and moulded by Jesus. To be teachable requires receptivity and in order to receive, we must first ask. So an inner movement of the heart is necessary.

Perseverance is also needed for the first step to change is always hardest and we may be tempted to give up. We must be humble enough to lean on Jesus and constantly seek His counsel and comfort.

As the Prophet Isaiah enumerates, He is our Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. He is definitely my go to guy.

I may sound a little simplistic in advocating that one turns to supernatural means to change in ways that psychologists may say are nigh impossible, but with God, all things are truly possible.

Having received His graces, all I can say is change, real change, can be a daily reality. As long as we will what is good and we submit that will to His will, nature and nurture are not insurmountable.

How else can you explain drug addicts* who can go cold turkey with no withdrawal symptoms and then turn their backs on a life of crime?

I feel good I could take Mama out like I did in the past this morning for I do miss her. Reflecting further on my dream, I am reminded that in life, there is no turning back, and although I may be as flawed as Mama was, I can take where I come from and transform the mix that is uniquely me into something more good than bad (with a little help, of course).

* Read Jackie Pullinger's amazing story in Chasing the Dragon.

Editing the past

While searching for an important document, I stumbled across a package of love letters and keepsakes from a past relationship. Two things surprised me. One was the powerful surge of emotion that flooded me such that my heart literally ached for the past, the me and him in happier times.

The other was that I had forgotten how meticulously I had documented the progress of the relationship, through journalling and our correspondence through the years. Being sentimental to the nth degree, I had saved everything.

The ginger flower he picked and tucked into my hair, the perfect pine cone we found on a forest walk together, the fun drawings we created one night at dinner, silly little things that meant a great deal to me then, linked as they were to memories of tender moments in time. 

I cannot deny feeling a little bereft, and yet, I have no regrets walking away from something that was no longer working as both of us wanted different things in life. I wanted marriage and he, ultimately, did not. It was the wisest choice and yet the wisest choice is often never the easiest choice.

We are still friends with much affection for each other for in our walk to discover if marriage was for us, I had sought to do what God willed, so when it became clear that this was not the man chosen by God for me, it was a no-brainer to say goodbye. Extremely painful, but it was all very civilized.

Marriage is something I wonder about academically from time to time but as today’s reflection by Don Schwager pointed out, the marriage decision is not something we should take into our own hands. Rather we should “seek the kingdom of God rather than a mate”, we should “seek to spend ourselves in His service and in trust allow Him to bring our future spouse into our lives in His time."

This is something I believe in wholeheartedly hence I am grateful that I am not beset with fears of being single the rest of my life. Neither do I seek out the company of men in desperation, and try to be someone I am not in order to get me a man.

Of course there are times it would be real nice to be cuddled by a pair of masculine arms, but I do not want for love, or laughter, or joy, in my current state of life.

Plus there are much worse things than being single even if the world decries chaste singlehood as unnatural and tragic.

Better single than stuck in an abusive or co-dependent relationship. Better chaste than riddled with an incurable sexually transmitted disease. Better alone than lonely or bored in a relationship.  

As for the past, it is time for me to let it go completely. I am no longer that needy, scared and confused woman who did not know exactly what she wanted in life. I have Jesus to thank for that and I am ever grateful. 

 

 

Corpus Christi musings

I am encouraged that we had a global Holy Hour of prayer today to celebrate the Feast of Corpus Christi, although I was too tired to join in. We could all do with more prayer, especially for our youth.

In a brief chat this evening with one of my godsons, it is clear that he is less than enchanted with Catholicism. And in a recent conversation with one of the junior lectors in my parish, she questioned why the Church was so unaccepting of homosexuals when the new commandment given to us by Jesus is to love others. (I had to go into my love the sinner, hate the act spiel.)

Where and how do I begin to explain to young people these very questions I asked myself when I was their age? Even as I attempted to respond to their questions, I could only end by inviting them to discover the truths for themselves, as I have done so, and to pray that they will not be satisfied with superficial answers as they each seek for truth in their young lives.

One of the news stories I found alarming last week was the one of a 25 year old father who stuck his six week old daughter into a freezer for an hour so that he could sleep, leaving her to freeze for an hour with a broken arm and leg.

What was frightening was not just the act itself, but that he did not think he did anything wrong at all. She would not stop crying and he was tired. Was it that he could not see anything inherently wrong in that act, or was it just a case of not being able to admit to an enormous mistake?

It is hard for young people who are weaned on the dogma of moral relativism to reconcile the absolutes of Church dogma, especially when it goes head to head with what is perceived as personal freedom in society today with regards to issues like premarital sex, contraception, abortion, divorce homosexuality, same sex marriage and surrogate pregnancy.

All that the Church teaches about these issues goes back to one fundamental truth that teaches respect for the dignity of every human person based on natural law. Unfortunately the truth about the dignity of the human person is often obscured by the pursuit of personal happiness that breeds behaviour that is more self-serving than giving.

Therefore the truth does not seem very appetizing or palatable. In fact, objective truth can be hard and unyielding. But if one persists in trying to understand it, instead of just walking away, its inner beauty and wisdom will be revealed. It takes a consistent commitment to the truth over time, and our own lived experiences to unfold.

But when we choose to subjectify and rationalize truth that it is not difficult to arrive at truths the young father in Tacoma, Washington did: his personal comfort was of utmost importance and therefore justified an act of cruelty.

Perhaps he did not intend to leave his baby in there for an hour, perhaps he only wanted to punish her bad behaviour for a moment, but no matter how you cut it, the objective truth is that one does not treat an infant in such a selfish and thoughtless manner.

In his homily celebrating Corpus Christi, Pope Francis spoke about a solidarity that comes from trusting the Lord with our humble abilities by sharing and giving them to others, for it is only if we go beyond ourselves will we experience the miracle of multiplication of the five loaves and two fish in our lives, "that our lives will be fecund, will bear fruit". He reminded us:

Jesus speaks in silence in the mystery of the Eucharist and each time reminds us that following him means coming out of ourselves and making our life not our own, but a gift to him and to the others...The Eucharist is the sacrament of communion, which brings us out from individualism to live together our journey in His footsteps, our faith in Him.

So when we avail ourselves of this sacrament of communion, we will experience "the “solidarity of God” with man, a solidarity that never runs out, a solidarity that never ceases to amaze us". He added:

The Lord in the Eucharist makes us follow His path, that of service, of sharing, of giving – and what little we have, what little we are, if shared, becomes wealth, because the power of God, which is that of love, descends into our poverty to transform it.

As I celebrate the truth and beauty of God's love, I give thanks for the breaking of Christ's body as bread for me today. May this truth of His self-giving love touch the world and touch the hearts of the young people around me. I can only pray that it does.

Discipleship, communion and sharing. Let us pray that participation in the Eucharist move us always to follow the Lord every day, to be instruments of communion, to share with Him and with our neighbor who we are. Then our lives will be truly fruitful. Amen.