This afternoon I was accused by someone of being too holy and therefore I lacked balance in life. She meant it kindly so I was quite amused for I have been feeling quite the opposite lately and had only just begun to find my equilibrium again.
On the surface, I am very involved in "holy" activities, and I am not quite a deadbeat yet. However, faith and good works go hand in hand and my interior life has had me wandering aimlessly in the freezing desert night and I have been suffering from acedia, a debilitating, spiritual malaise that has impeded my ability to work or pray with joy.
Thank goodness for my "holy" activities for they have kept me from sailing over a cliff into despair.
Thank God for Saint Ignatius whose examen is invaluable for self-awareness has helped me inch my way forward; and for Blessed John Paul II whose Theology of the Body inspires me to express my sexuality with passion and verve.
I am most grateful for Scripture and the Sacraments that have given me the impetus to move toward magnanimity, for without supernatural aid, I would not have been able to extricate myself from the quicksand of acedia-like mediocrity.
One of my "holy" activities has involved attending Jeff Cavins' Psalms, the School of Prayer, and I was blown away last evening when we covered the Penitential Psalms and the concept of sin for I could see clearly how sin was impacting me.
Cavins talks about why sin is so deadly for we often do not set out to sin and when we do sin, we are mostly unaware of our own culpability. It thus becomes like a trap we have walked into and need outside help to escape from.
He defines sin as chet, Hebrew for missing the mark; a choice we make to abuse our God-given freedom; living as though God does not exist, embodying a practical atheism; or an act disobedience.
Cavins quotes from Blessed John Paul II's Apostolic Exhortation Reconciliation and Penance in which JPII defines sin as a rupture with God, a turning away from He who sustains life and is ultimately suicidal.
Since by sinning man refuses to submit to God, his internal balance is also destroyed and it is precisely within himself that contradictions and conflicts arise. Wounded in this way, man almost inevitably causes damage to the fabric of his relationship with others and with the created world.
Every sin has both personal and social repercussions:
The mystery of sin is composed of this twofold wound which the sinner opens in himself and in his relationship with his neighbor. Therefore one can speak of personal and social sin: From one point of view, every sin is personal; from another point of view, every sin is social insofar as and because it also has social repercussions.
I had forgotten about the social effects of sin, and had only been lamenting the effects of my tidak apa* state from a personal viewpoint, wallowing alone in my zombie state.
I had dismissed how irascible and intolerant I have become, snapping at people and behaving most uncharitably to all and sundry. Even my recent fractured toe was a result of my impatience and disarrayed inner state.
As I have not been too thrilled about my recent bad behaviour, I have already been submitting with humility, in silent prayer, my desires to God. Now I can add the classic seven penitential psalms of 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130 and 143 to my prayer time.
Coincidentally we are in chapter nine of Landmarks which is about excessive positive and negative attachments, or addictions and aversions that curtail our inner freedom.
What I discovered was I have an excessive aversion to failure that stems from an excessive attachment to excellence. This skewed desire drives me to seek perfection and to feed my compulsion of being right all the time.
Conversely I am also a non-starter who chokes easily when she finally comes off the blocks and then gives up without a fight. I am impaled on the horns of pride and sloth simultaneously.
Last night's lesson thus reminded me of the importance and necessity of penitence. "A humble, contrite heart" that acknowledges God as the sole author of my life. For only then can I free myself from the hook of attachment and point True North, toward God; to hang in perfect balance as Christ did on the cross, He who freely chose obedience to God out of deep love for both His Father and for humanity despite knowing the grim end He would face.
For this evening's sharing, one of the reflection questions was whether we still struggle with our undesirable attachments in life once we have found a way to liberate ourselves and my answer is it is and will always be a struggle. There are neither instant nor permanent cures, and there will invariably be ups and downs in one's spiritual journey.
As for dear L, thank you for caring and I am so glad that I am finally walking out of the disorienting woods.
I can only ever wish I will be too holy.
* a state of indifference and not caring about anything in life
On the surface, I am very involved in "holy" activities, and I am not quite a deadbeat yet. However, faith and good works go hand in hand and my interior life has had me wandering aimlessly in the freezing desert night and I have been suffering from acedia, a debilitating, spiritual malaise that has impeded my ability to work or pray with joy.
Thank goodness for my "holy" activities for they have kept me from sailing over a cliff into despair.
Thank God for Saint Ignatius whose examen is invaluable for self-awareness has helped me inch my way forward; and for Blessed John Paul II whose Theology of the Body inspires me to express my sexuality with passion and verve.
I am most grateful for Scripture and the Sacraments that have given me the impetus to move toward magnanimity, for without supernatural aid, I would not have been able to extricate myself from the quicksand of acedia-like mediocrity.
One of my "holy" activities has involved attending Jeff Cavins' Psalms, the School of Prayer, and I was blown away last evening when we covered the Penitential Psalms and the concept of sin for I could see clearly how sin was impacting me.
Cavins talks about why sin is so deadly for we often do not set out to sin and when we do sin, we are mostly unaware of our own culpability. It thus becomes like a trap we have walked into and need outside help to escape from.
He defines sin as chet, Hebrew for missing the mark; a choice we make to abuse our God-given freedom; living as though God does not exist, embodying a practical atheism; or an act disobedience.
Cavins quotes from Blessed John Paul II's Apostolic Exhortation Reconciliation and Penance in which JPII defines sin as a rupture with God, a turning away from He who sustains life and is ultimately suicidal.
Since by sinning man refuses to submit to God, his internal balance is also destroyed and it is precisely within himself that contradictions and conflicts arise. Wounded in this way, man almost inevitably causes damage to the fabric of his relationship with others and with the created world.
Every sin has both personal and social repercussions:
The mystery of sin is composed of this twofold wound which the sinner opens in himself and in his relationship with his neighbor. Therefore one can speak of personal and social sin: From one point of view, every sin is personal; from another point of view, every sin is social insofar as and because it also has social repercussions.
I had forgotten about the social effects of sin, and had only been lamenting the effects of my tidak apa* state from a personal viewpoint, wallowing alone in my zombie state.
I had dismissed how irascible and intolerant I have become, snapping at people and behaving most uncharitably to all and sundry. Even my recent fractured toe was a result of my impatience and disarrayed inner state.
As I have not been too thrilled about my recent bad behaviour, I have already been submitting with humility, in silent prayer, my desires to God. Now I can add the classic seven penitential psalms of 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130 and 143 to my prayer time.
Coincidentally we are in chapter nine of Landmarks which is about excessive positive and negative attachments, or addictions and aversions that curtail our inner freedom.
What I discovered was I have an excessive aversion to failure that stems from an excessive attachment to excellence. This skewed desire drives me to seek perfection and to feed my compulsion of being right all the time.
Conversely I am also a non-starter who chokes easily when she finally comes off the blocks and then gives up without a fight. I am impaled on the horns of pride and sloth simultaneously.
Last night's lesson thus reminded me of the importance and necessity of penitence. "A humble, contrite heart" that acknowledges God as the sole author of my life. For only then can I free myself from the hook of attachment and point True North, toward God; to hang in perfect balance as Christ did on the cross, He who freely chose obedience to God out of deep love for both His Father and for humanity despite knowing the grim end He would face.
For this evening's sharing, one of the reflection questions was whether we still struggle with our undesirable attachments in life once we have found a way to liberate ourselves and my answer is it is and will always be a struggle. There are neither instant nor permanent cures, and there will invariably be ups and downs in one's spiritual journey.
As for dear L, thank you for caring and I am so glad that I am finally walking out of the disorienting woods.
I can only ever wish I will be too holy.
* a state of indifference and not caring about anything in life
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