Lust violation

I had a nightmare just before waking up this morning. In my dream I was screaming at a man, someone I know, out of frustration and hate. I woke up asking myself why I felt so strongly about him?

In Matthew 5:28, Jesus says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

This is the crux of my response to this man for when he looks at me (in real life), his gaze wanders to rest at a spot lower than my throat. Whenever I notice this, I feel violated. I am not a body part! The gaze is inappropriate and causes a rise of negative emotions in me and makes me want to throw up.

There is nothing right or good about lust be it a furtive look or indulging openly in pornography.

And guys, we can tell when you look at a woman with appreciative disinterest or with lustful intent - in a glance. So please, please, look at every woman as you would look at your mother, your sister or your daughter, with deep respect, for she is someone's mother, sister and daughter and deserves better.  

As women, what can we do? Do we go around dressed in concealing bourkhas? Is that the solution? While we can never go back to JPII's original nakedness where we can be "naked without shame", we can dress with modesty and common sense.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who takes pains to look attractive or cultivate a charming personality for beauty is a feminine birthright.

But with that birthright comes a responsibility, to teach those around us, especially men, to treat us with respect.

This comes not only from the way we carry ourselves, but from the way we respect ourselves and our bodies in our choice of dress and behaviour.

Although we cannot never completely eradicate lust from our lives, we can make a stand against it by rejecting it in our lives, and teaching others to do the same.

Commitment issues

I just attended the wedding of a friend of mine V and his lovely wife M this morning and I thought the pastor gave a great homily on what a marriage must have in order to be successful.

It was a take on the original 5Cs, a cynical jab at Singaporeans' materialistic life aspirations: cash, car, condominium, credit card and country club membership. The pastor's 5Cs were:

Covenant
Christ
Communication
Compassion
Commitment

He introduced the last C, commitment, by saying that without commitment, marriage would not work even if it had the first four Cs and ended his homily by saying a successful marriage did not depend on finding the right partner but by being the right partner for the other.

Commitment is key for there will be days in any relationship when you grate on each other's nerves or even think maybe it's best you call it quits.

It will be commitment that will help a couple ride out the storms of their relationship when love is not enough. Or, for that matter, any situation that hits a setback, be it studies or career.

Father David calls the family the school of humanity for it is in our families that we first learn how to be a person. To learn about and acquire virtues like patience, forgiveness, compassion, fidelity, kindness, generosity... all the things that make us good - a person.

Families are forever, that is, we cannot disown our family members for our relationships will always remain historical fact.

My father used to tell us (me and my siblings) that we must always love each other for the four of us are manifestations of the love between him and my mother and that we all share a special and unique bond that must be honoured.

Family to Dad meant everything. Family meant accepting each other for who we are and loving each other through our differences with fierce, unwavering loyalty and unending generosity. Family disunity is not an option for love is everything, family is everything.

The building blocks of every family begin with a couple, a man and a woman who live out their wedding vows by promising to be together, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish...until death do they part.

With divorce rates at a ridiculous 50 per cent and the sharp decline of formalized marriages, there
seems to be a crisis of commitment.

John Paul II rightly concluded that At the root of these negative phenomena there frequently lies a corruption of the idea and the experience of freedom...*

When we see freedom (and happiness) as represented by more choices in life, rather than the ability to conquer life's "limitations" and adversities, then we will give up when the going is tough, never even giving the situation a fighting chance to transform, to find a new equilibrium and eventual happiness.

My friend J who lives in Canada tells me she feels like an anomaly for her marriage is her first and her husband's second. Among his friends their marriage is unusual for most of them are on their third, or fourth...

If couples don't stay married and try to work out their differences, what makes them think their next marriage will succeed when all they are good at is wimping out?

If couples don't honour their relationships with fidelity (all in the name of "sexual freedom") and the sincere gift of love, then how can any relationship they are in work?

Commitment is not easy. But then, when is anything worth having in life easy?

Our achievements are all the more valued because we worked hard to get them. The same goes for relationships, especially marriage.

So V and M, keep your eye on the pastor's 5Cs and you will be committed for life with a love in TOB-speak that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

* Familiaris Consortio, 6

The still point

Just this week I encountered two references to a line from T.S. Eliot's Burnt Norton*: "At the still point of the turning world" and it got me thinking.

It was Father John Paul who first brought it up during our day of recollection Sunday past, in response to a question from the group if we began each meeting by breaking the Word, would that not drag on our church meetings even more interminably?

He reminded us that we (the group) were all here because of God. If we never lost sight of that every time we met, and we invited Jesus into the homes of our hearts before we began a meeting on practicalities and logistics, then things would move along smoothly and quickly. Thus we need to come to the still point in order to move forward at an inspired pace.

The second reference came from a source book in a section on symbols, namely mandalas. Mandala is a Sanskrit word which means circle and represents wholeness and organic oneness. In Christian symbolism the Eucharist can be seen as a mandala with Christ as the source of life.

Labyrinths are a form of mandalas.

Both references are a reminder that the still point is to come back to the source and centre of our beings by stepping outside of our time to be with God.

Ancient Greeks had two words for time: chronos which refers to chronological time, and kairos which refers to the right, opportune or supreme moment where something special happens. The something special Christians see as "the appointed time in the purpose of God".

I see the still point as a kairos opportunity, an opportunity to have a moment of grace, of greatness in the context of a normal day.

And I am reminded of the value of the still point...

...to hear the music and go to where "the dance is".

* http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/norton.html 

Sexually honest

Father David said something recently that I found really profound: moral truths are something we discover and not something that we learn or decide.

Conversely, I have found that in deciding to live out moral truths, even ones I grapple with at times, I have discovered a lot about these truths (how true they really are) in the process.

When what is learnt in the classroom* and what is actively applied in life dovetail, it makes for heady validation and feels super-good.

We've been talking about sex, always a fascinating subject.

In the movie Vanilla Sky, Julie says, "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!"

Whether we realize it or not, our bodies have a natural language (like how the blind do not need to be taught to smile) and one that cannot be separate from our beings, i.e. there is an integrated unity of both mind and body.

Just as we allow only a trusted few into the intimacy of our lives, revealing our inner selves and vulnerabilities to these people whom we love and love us in return, our bodies speak the same intimate language with our genitals.

The promise Julie is talking about when two people engage in sexual intercourse is one of deep intimacy that comes from a committed, lasting, faithful, nurturing, giving and loving relationship.

For the sexual language speaks our most intimate and personal communication and our bodies must never be used as an object to other ends (like pleasure) as this violates the intimate language of the body.

You may think casual sex is fine especially if it makes you happy and doesn't harm anyone, but you would be violating this sexual language of the body for there is nothing remotely casual about sex.

Because sexual gratification is so intensely pleasurable, sexual honesty, which comes from understanding the sexual language of the body and honouring it, is tough. Sexual abstinence in the absence of marriage is a hard truth to swallow.

Not many of us want to recognize or accept that the sexual language of the body is personal to the point of being spousal as it communicates this intimate message:

I accept the "deep total you" unconditionally and I give you my "deep total me" unconditionally.

The current culture of sexual freedom has ironically led us to believe that chastity or the absence of sexual activity in one's life is undesirable, even abnormal, and that sexual gratification can only be achieved by genital gratification.

However, sexual gratification is so much more than genital gratification if we allow ourselves to live beyond the "o" word. Instead, most of us whittle down our chances to be sexually satisfied by ascribing to such a narrow definition of sexual gratification.

Orgasms, while wonderful, are not the be all and end all of sexual gratification. Every man or woman who lives out his or her sexuality fully by being who they are meant to be and doing what they are meant to do are sexually vibrant and happy individuals.

And while I don't profess to have experienced ecstasy in the way mystics like Saint Teresa of Avila did, the sense of deep union with God in meditative prayer elicits such visceral pleasure that it is even better than sex for the deep glow of joy and inner peace it brings lasts way beyond the ever-too-brief orgasm.

But popular culture would have us believe otherwise. Every day we are inundated with messages such as if you are not having sex regularly, you MUST BE sexually starved and not living life to the fullest or exercising your right to happiness, poor you.

To be single is a curse for you are doomed to a lonely existence. You can't possibly be happy single...and celibate (even worse!). Total loser.

Yes, we all need love, we all want to be loved, but the lengths some of us go to to get "love" is counter to the nature of love, especially when we mix up love and lust. It can get muddy, messy and is not exactly morally or spiritually uplifting.

A one-night stand or casual sex is not love. Paid sex is not love. Adultery can never be love. These are all poor facsimiles of love we grab at in our quest for authentic love and happiness that so quickly degrades into a self-indulgent, selfish hunt to satisfy lust or impersonal, sexual desire.

Consuming pornography, masturbation and sexual crimes are the twisted offspring of such attempts at love for there is nothing personal or giving about these acts. They are mainly destructive (even harmless masturbation for it restricts true freedom and self-possession) and are often addictive.

A quick sweep through the newspapers yields just too many stories of lust gone wrong: destroyed families, careers down the toilet, crimes of passion, suicides and even murder.

Perhaps it's time for the discipline of sexual honesty?

It may not be easy, faced as we are with temptation at every turn, but it is worth it. Hugely gratifying even.

But don't take my word for it, discover for yourself why being sexually honest can be a really good thing personally.

* I am attending a year-long course on moral theology by Fr. David Garcia called Personal Compass, Navigating Your Way Through Moral Ambiguity that is absolutely brilliant. Check it out:   http://catholicspi.org/downloads/PCcourseguide.pdf

Identity

I am the branches of the living vine
Bearing buds, flowers and fruit
Of Truth, Goodness and Beauty.
By cultivating virtues beyond
The cardinal and the theological,
And living out the beatitudes
Especially of purity and mercy.
I am the lover of Christ
He is the rock on whom my being rests
Without Him, I am nothing.
For I am made in His image and likeness.
Through my mind, body and spirit,
I express my hopes, dreams and desires
Bringing to life all He has planted in me.
I am the gift of love, His priceless pearl,
A woman very good
For I am weak and He is strong.
Feminine receptivity is my genius.
I am His channel of grace because
Totus tuus, His will is mine, every day.

Undeserving but blessed, I am grateful to be chosen.

Dedicated to the memory of Blessed John Paul II

Great awakening

I sometimes marvel at my own stupidity: despite knowing what is the wise thing to do but not doing it and paying the price for my sheer mulishness.

I am talking about sleep, or the lack thereof that I have been suffering from this past months.

Admittedly my body's hormonal changes leave me sometimes singularly unrested, but for most of the time, it is my own fault that I do not get sufficient sleep.

The caprices of youth are no longer mine to exercise for nowadays lack of sleep translates into eye bags and dark circles, alarming lymphatic blockages under my skin (that thanks to S. I can now detect), a dullness of mind, an apathetic lassitude and my worst enemy, a stiff body that no amount of muscle release work can cure.

It took the holiday of Labour Day to make me realize how much my debilitated physical state is tied directly to my sleep quotient.

I fell victim to a cold yesterday which worsened considerably in the evening and sought refuge in sleeping early.

After almost ten hours of sleep, I woke up feeling much better, no more sneezing fits and tap-runny nose. Best of all, my incredibly stiff spine feels a suppleness that has been absent for some weeks now and the fogginess of my brain has lifted a little. Duh!

We spoke about identity yesterday for knowledge of self is crucial in deciphering the meaning of life and knowing what one's vocation is, and hopefully finding happiness in the process.

In dealing with self-knowledge, it's important to identify what are the obstacles to self-awareness and the blockages that bring about distortions and blind spots to one's view of self and the world.

So it has been with fascinated incredulity that I have been sneaking peeks of True Beauty, a reality TV show that is now running on cable; a greater lack of self-awareness cannot be displayed elsewhere as the contestants duke it out to win what they think is a contest on looking good externally when they are actually judged on inner beauty.

"I am a good person, I deserve to be here!" A common statement that spews forth from the quivering, indignant lips of a selfish and self-absorbed individual who has just been booted. Get real!

Most of the contestants display an ugliness of spirit that reveals a misguided life goal of seeking to be happy first instead of seeking to be good, as opposed to the ancients' wisdom of goodness preceding authentic happiness.

I may be on the right path of seeking goodness but in many ways I am as clueless as these "beautiful people" for I have hit a massive road block in my journey that prevents me from progressing to the next level.

And this block has to do with sleep, or, to wit, my time management skills. I am using my physical exhaustion as an excuse for not living up to my fullest potential but to meander in the shallows of the meanness of the spirit and the smallness of the soul.

I have been wasting countless hours engaged in predominantly worthless enterprise rather than getting adequate sleep, being organized, studying for my Pilates exam and cultivating the discipline of writing.

This fear of achieving milestones that will propel me forward to face bigger mountains is making me dig my heels in and stay put, in comfortable and deadly inaction.

I am the Bible's "rich young man" who is good but unwilling to be my best. I am unable to let go of my possessions of fear, faint-heartedness, timidity, low self-esteem and lack of self-worth to take a step closer towards entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

Perhaps I exaggerate my situation for I have begun to do something constructive about my current state these last weeks. (It is Easter and I have been striving to live this liturgical season well.)

But today has been a day of affirmation for me, of startling realization that I have within me the power to break this inertia and regain health holistically. It need not be such a baffling struggle.

I am encouraged to take bigger and bolder steps forward; to fulfill the promises of the covenant God shared with me last year.

This year can still be a year of greatness, especially if I choose sleep and more affirmative action.

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care.
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.                                     - from Shakespeare's Macbeth

Magnanimous aspirations

We live in eventful times. Amid natural disasters of earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, floods; and man-induced waves of fighting and terrorism that swamp the world, it would seem that the end of the world doomsayers have been proclaiming for years is truly here.

And yet, in the space of a week, we have also witnessed a salute to love and hope in the matrimonial union of Prince William and his bride Catherine last Friday, and in the beatification ceremony of Pope John Paul II yesterday.

The W2W Ministry spent the weekend celebrating the life of Blessed JPII whose writings we are currently studying by watching Karol: A Man Who Became Pope.

JPII who lived through WW2 and the subsequent Soviet occupation of Poland witnessed first-hand the worst of atrocities that humanity can commit against itself and yet was able to grasp, retain and promulgate the truth of human existence: that we are created to love and to be loved.

Firstly, in living and loving relationship with God, and secondly, in harmonious relationships with others.

He did not believe in fighting terror and violence with anger and hatred, righteous and justified as it may be, but rather through non-violent ways.

With the report of Osama bin Laden's death in the news this morning, it would be interesting to see if this "eye for an eye" solution to terror will bring resolution of sorts or will there continue to be a perpetuation of violence as others take up Osama bin Laden's cause and place.

The taking of life can never be justified, a fundamental universal principle that governs human life. Just as justice is another universal principle, but one that has to be tempered with mercy.

We must seek a justice that Blessed John Paul II endeavoured to promote, one that is found in the Beatitudes, one that is patient, gentle, forgiving, understanding, finds its strength in peace-loving, and goes beyond the current legalistic interpretation.

Some may say this is foolish thinking but has the current popular modus operandi of killing despots and terrorists brought more peace in the world, or merely more collateral damage to innocent lives and a vendetta-like dynamic played out in the long-standing Middle East conflict?

There is much wrong in the world, much to be angry about and much to fear and much we need to change and yet, the agents of change cannot be fear, or hatred which is the child of fear.

I do not pretend to have answers to the rampant problem of terrorism and how to deal with it but I do know that we can all make a stand with our lives, by refusing to give in to fear and to persevere in seeking the good of all humanity.

In my last module on virtues, Father David said that living life to the fullest is a balance between preserving life and becoming a moral paralytic, and because fear is the most powerful emotion that escapes even the conscious control of the will, we must seek to integrate our fears by cultivating the virtue of fortitude or courage.

As Burmese political detainee of 15 years Aung San Suu Kyi said, "For me real freedom is freedom from fear and unless you can live free from fear, you cannot live a dignified life".

She exemplifies a quiet firmness of spirit and strength of character that serves as my inspiration as she seeks to right wrongs by taking a stand that eschews violence.

In Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Caesar says this in response to his wife's prescient foreboding of his death:

Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once.

Such great fear, as the fear of death, can only be overcome if we die to self (our fears, needs and desires) and live in Christ.

I believe that Blessed John Paul II displayed this magnanimity, this greatness of soul by displaying a singleness of mind to be the compleat servant of God: all his actions dictated by the will of God which he was well acquainted with because of his rich prayer life.

His was a holiness found in the solitude of prayer sought diligently and constantly. A living, breathing and loving relationship with his maker.

And he was the definitive priest - a man for others, in his ceaseless brokering of peace in the world, his great love of people, especially youth, and his tireless efforts to initiate dialogue with other religious leaders by displaying great humility and sensitivity.

Mired as I am in my own petty fears, I am glad that I have a great role model like Blessed JPII to rise above mediocrity and to seek to live up to my potential on a daily basis without giving in to fear or demoralizing hopelessness.

And perhaps in my own small and unique way make the world a better place.

NB: The word magnanimous comes from Latin roots and means greatness of mind and heart. It is a virtue that allows the possessor to engage in noble acts and great enterprise without fear and to display a generosity that leaves no room for pettiness.