Clean hands, pure heart

I have a theme song for Lent. Give Us Clean Hands written by Charlie Hall.

It is not a new song but I was recently taught how to sing it and the lyrics just resound with me for it is taken from one of my favourite psalms - Psalm 24 - and it encourages us to live out the principles of TOB*, that is, sacramentality of the body.

The song also brings me to the heart of Lent, to remember who I am, how I came to be and what I should be doing. To be humble and singular in focus.

We discussed solitude last Friday and how, through it, we have all experienced incredible intimacy with Jesus, and yet, we are so easily distracted as to not make the extra effort to seek the goodness of this love in solitude. Why?

It's like knowing what is good for me and yet not doing it, and then moaning to myself about how blah I feel and wishing I could do something about it. Kinda dumb, but there you have it, so typically human.

Thus this Lent I hope to make that extra effort and hopefully be rewarded for my discipline by experiencing spiritual renewal.

Clean hands, pure heart.

There's nothing more pleasurable than being fresh and clean after a shower, especially in hot and humid Singapore where being sticky and stinky is pretty much the prevailing condition by day's end (you just have to travel by train at 6:30pm to know what I mean).

Cleanliness is truly next to godliness for being clean lets me feel good in my body.

As for purity of heart, may Jesus be my soap and the Holy Spirit my water.

*Theology of the Body

As lovers do

I learned a new word last week. Acedia. It describes a state of being where one is restless yet listless; the inability to care about one's condition or position in the world thereby resulting in the inability to work or pray. It is a state of apathy where one does not care for anything and flees from the world.

It is also one of the seven deadly sins, more popularly known as sloth, but with a wealth of meaning that transcends the definition of pure laziness. As Father David pointed out, it is more than just a Garfield-like personality.

When I heard this, I immediately thought, wow, this is me; this is one of my biggest propensities to sin.

While I am always aware of my responsibilities, when things start to overwhelm me (for I am not exactly the most organized person in the world) I start to pretty much avoid the things I ought to do and do the things I ought not do, to paraphrase Saint Paul.

I grow deaf, mute and blind all at once to key priorities and fuss with the easy lesser ones instead. Or I just avoid everything by burrowing my head in the sand. Or I coast: watch TV and coast.

And when things get tough or rough, my first instinct is to give up and chuck it all. It takes great effort to convince myself (thank goodness for my spiritual director and wise spiritual guides, not least the Holy Spirit) into staying the course.

Tied closely to this is my experience of freedom. Do I see freedom as the capricious whimsy to do whatever pleases me while rationalizing as long as I don't hurt anyone, it is okay?

Or do I see it as the ability to deliberate and work hard at harmonizing a motley mix of blooms, leaves and branches into a beautiful feast of flowers that brings pleasure to all who see and smell it (thanks SD for that wonderful image)?

At times, I do feel weighed down by my own expectations of what I will do in response to the situations and people around me and I do wallow in apathetic non-action, but then, I also know in choosing what seems to be the easier route (read cop-out) will not leave me sitting comfortably in my skin for it would be going against who I am and what I stand for in life.

In the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Japan and its consequent tsunamis, what do I do, what can I do? It is just so simple to be appalled for half an hour and then forget it all, living as I do in my unaffected cocoon.

Certainly I cannot right the situation, given my limited abilities, but I can do something, by giving what I can to aid efforts, by not forgetting, and as banal and useless as it sounds, praying, for prayer does work.

Although I don't know anyone who was affected by the catastrophe, I am still bonded by humanity to reach out and help. For to do nothing is akin to acedia.

In his book Before I Go, Peter Kreeft says this about freedom, that the wise do not speak of it for "Lovers want to be bound, not free. They don't seek freedom because they are already free if they are lovers."

I was born with the freedom to choose and I choose to be a lover and to do as they do, that is, to love.

Home truly

Since I returned home from my three-week vacation, I've been working and meeting up with friends while adjusting back to the time zone and humidity.

Apart from being intensely delighted to sleep in my own bed again, I've enjoyed picking up the threads of my life in the Lion City.

Work. Home. Church. Class. W2W meetings. I have been busy and a little tired, but there is a sense of satisfaction that comes from being where I should be: Home.

Recently Total Defence launched a new version of "This is home"*, one of Singapore's many National Day songs designed to invoke a sense of belonging among Singaporeans.

I love this new version for it is schmaltzy yet kinda cool, and the chorus** of this Dick Lee song says it all for me:

This is home truly, where I know where I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows...
...This is where I won't be alone...

When I returned home after graduation, I had a bad case of counter-culture shock. I hated the sanitized environment, strict censorship rules, how people were not civic-minded or courteous and the dearth of good concerts/performances. I found it difficult to fit in and just hated being back.

The things that bugged me back then have become niggly, piddly peeves for I have grown to appreciate how I can take my personal safety for granted. I also like the political and economic stability and how there are no racial or religious divides: my Muslim friends wish me Merry Christmas, and I, in turn, greet them Selamat Hari Raya or Happy Eid during the season.

Although Hawaii represents home to me in many ways, Singapore takes precedence for it is where the people who mean most to me reside: family, friends, the various communities I belong to, and clients who have become friends.

I have carved a dwelling place for myself in the land of my birth. My life here is pregnant with meaning, filled with good things, where I have experienced great loss and found new beginnings.

Perhaps as I get older, different things represent happiness to me. I value love over self-seeking pleasure. I honour tradition over novelty. I choose the freedom of purity over the addiction of lust. I appreciate inner peace over chaotic thrills.

I no longer think I need to be elsewhere to be fulfilled but that I am exactly where I should be, doing what I should be doing, living the dream, cruising down reality.

In truth, I am home.

* http://thisishome.com.sg/
** http://lyrics.wikia.com/Kit_Chan:Home

A case for people-pleasing

Today A. brought up again how it irks her to see people-pleasers doing their thing to gain attention.

It was funny when she first brought it up last week for I recently thought it was not such a bad thing to be a people-pleaser for I discovered I was one of the highest order while on vacation.

I do agree with her it can be irritating to see sycophants do their obsequious best to get what they want be it approval, affirmation or affection, but I have learned to be more tolerant of people-pleasers for we are all people-pleasers whether we admit it or not, to a greater or lesser degree.

Plus, people-pleasers suffer from the irrational belief that they must be liked by everyone and usually have low self-esteem. They go through hell when they feel slighted or rejected so they are not exactly having fun. And, they get taken for a ride by unscrupulous users ever so often. A little compassion is in order... something I tell myself repeatedly as I grit my teeth at times.

Getting back to my vacation experience, I put a lot of time and energy into getting the right accommodation and when I was there, I tried my best to cater for individual preferences for I wanted everyone to feel at home and have a good time, especially those who were visiting for the first time.

I was like a little girl eagerly showing off her favourite toy and hoping that others would see why it was so wonderful. Hawaii is special to me and I wanted others to be able to see her beauty and to be charmed by her unique flavours and character. To be as in love with her as I was.

I have to say I did get stressed when things were not going smoothly or as planned, but the major difference was that I did not dwell on my failures (yes, I did take it personally, so call me dysfunctional) AND I found time to enjoy myself.

It gives me great pleasure to see someone I love enjoy themselves. If I am, therefore, able to enhance their positive experience, so much the better. So yes, a lot of the joy I experienced during my Hawaiian holiday was due to the fact that others were having a good time and I was able to help make it happen.

It was not so much people-pleasing to feed my ego or to feel validated, good about myself, but people-pleasing as an act of love.

Of course one can take it to the extreme, where one subsumes one's own likes and preferences in order to please others, and is left feeling empty, discontented and cheated to the point of subconscious hostility and irrational anger.

My remedy to avoid playing the martyr for I so hated it when my grandmother pulled that one on me is to seek to do God's will in all things.

Before I even went on vacation, I offered my desire for a Hawaiian vacation to the Lord and asked for His blessing. So when everything coalesced into a reunion of trans-continental and multi-generational proportions, I knew it was meant to be even though it was not exactly what I envisioned, or wanted.

During the weeks there, I began the day by thanking Him for making it all possible and asking Him to lead all of us even as He laid His protective hand over each of us and kept us safe.

So yes, I was a big time people-pleaser when I was there but my motivation was to repay my Father's own generous efforts in giving me my heart's desires and filling me with joy. Try as I might, I could never quite match up to His efforts.

Laughter mingling with the cool breeze as we chatted lazily by the ocean front. Being awed by the most graceful hula dancer I have ever witnessed. Music so magical it transported one into another world. Luxuriously long mealtimes, punctuated by perfect moments of serendipity. The time together was unbelievably good.

Pope Paul VI said man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself. In giving myself to the creation of a perfect holiday, I found myself with a sense of rightness and strength that was affirming and pleasing to myself. I was fulfilling my vocation fully, even on vacation.

While I will always be a Martha, fussing around trying to make everyone comfortable and grousing a little when I perceive a less than satisfactory outcome, unlike Martha, I can draw back and enjoy the scene of conviviality before me and take in the moment with a Mary-like stillness.

And that is why people-pleasing is not such a bad thing, especially in moderation, and with the right motivation. Wouldn't you agree with me, A.?