Wisdom of heart

Last weekend was a celebration of life with a wedding banquet and a birthday lunch. Where relatives from overseas converged to break bread in a major way. There was laughter and food, conversation and food, and food and more food. I love spending time with my Mum and her cousins, for it allows me a glimpse into her childhood, what she was like as a carefree, young girl; the stories, the gossip, the bonds that run deep despite the rare meetings due to geographical constraints. I just sit, eat and observe. It’s like watching a movie.

Tonight, there is gathering where Mum will have an evening of fun with the gals before they all depart on Wednesday. I think it’s wonderful. Even though we were a little sad today remembering Dad (it’s been three years since he left us), I think he would like that she is out there celebrating life. If that was one thing Dad knew how to do, that was having a good time.

While I mourn his departure still, I have accepted that he is with Jesus now, and I rejoice in that reality.

Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet says:

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

The memories I hold dear include how he called me his one and only, how he would wait up for me until I returned home (said he couldn’t sleep until he knew I was home safely), how he cooked with love and care, and waited for me to come home before we would all eat dinner together. A memory that still brings tears to my eyes took place the evening before he died. He somehow knew he was going, for as I helped put him to bed that night, he thanked me by giving me a thumbs up. That simple gesture expressed all he wanted to say but couldn’t (by that time he could not speak anymore and every move took great effort).

So, today, I pray:

Make us know the shortness of our life
That we may gain wisdom of heart,

In the morning, fill us with your love;
we shall exult and rejoice all our days,
Give us joy to balance our affliction
for the years when we knew misfortune. Psalm 90

And I thank the Lord for the joys and the sorrows, for the celebrations and the losses, for all of life’s experiences.

August blessings

Here I am again, after a short hiatus dictated by work. But it's work I term a love project for it's something I am passionate about and glad to be given the opportunity to contribute in part.

Since my conversion in India in 2003, I've had a clearer idea what my vocation is, and who are the people I most want to reach and make a positive impact on - women and children. As I am still single, and not likely to get married in the near future, having children of my own is most improbable. Therefore it will have to be other people's children that I interact with and hopefully affirm.

There are many 'ways' to be a mother, and since I have never been one to take the conventional route, I get to be creative! Cool. A., you sure you still want to make me godmother of your daughter? I won't be one to encourage conformity...

Anyway, when my old classmate, Sr. Julia, asked if I would be interested in helping her in her efforts to revamp the religious education programme in Catholic secondary schools , I said yes with much enthusiasm. Hmmmm, little did I know what it would entail - wading through pages of text written mainly by theologians on psychology, philosophy, moral development... not exactly bedside reading material. But it has been worth the climb in more ways than one. It has given me the opportunity to work with some very lovely, bright women (thank you Julia, Edwina and Pat) who share the vision of transforming youth, helping them experience the love of God and to hopefully fall in love with God and choose the freedom of living life wholly holy.

For me, it has been a huge conversion experience all over again. Amplified by the fact that the topics covered in my Foundations in Ministry Certification Programme echo those that I have recently digested. Yes, He speaks to me in stereo, at full volume, no less. I did say to Him I was deaf...

Much to be thankful for this month indeed. It's been truly august.

Blessed intimacy

She cries out to me in tears, “What’s it all for?” “Why am I doing all this for?” The this is being faithful to God’s ways even though all she sees is darkness around her and she is so close to breaking point. Beset with many challenges she finds it hard not to grasp happiness where she sees it, even though it may not exactly be the ‘right’ thing. In the face of despair and pain, it’s hard to encourage: “Pray” and “you must have faith” seem too simplistic and simply not enough.

All around me are women, bright, beautiful, accomplished daughters of God, lovely and gifted in their own unique ways, yet finding it difficult to live out their sexuality in a committed, spiritual fashion.

The answer is startlingly simple, yet, not easy to act on. It lies in the first dictum of Christian life as given by Jesus Christ: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” Love God with your entire being. Surrender yourself totally. “Yet not my will, but Yours be done.” “Let it be with me according to Your word.” This means bringing Him into all areas of our beings and lives, and letting His light shine in even the darkest corner of our hearts.

Given the resounding “I, me, myself” mantra of the world and Freud’s pleasure principle lived out to the fullest in MTV surroundsound, loving God has become a call to radicality. A call to chastity and fidelity, to blessed intimacy.

Contrary to what most people think, a God-centred self-transcendence orients and sustains freedom. Living God’s ways need not mean a life without pleasure, restricted and dull. Life can be exciting: a glorious adventure every single day. We can become ‘fully alive’, when we allow ourselves to fall in love with Jesus and walk with Him, hand in hand.

As Lonergan puts it: “Being in love with God, as experienced, is being in love in an unrestricted fashion. All love is self-surrender, but being in love with God is being in love without limits or qualifications or conditions or reservations.”

Made in the image of God, we are brought to fulfilment when we are most in love with Him, and become most like Him. But, also being human, we will experience suffering and pain. There will be darkness and temptation. We can fall away and sin.

So how do we integrate our sexuality and spirituality and remain true to God and true to ourselves? Susan Muto in Late Have I Loved Thee says: “Blessed intimacy is the safest and strongest bridge between our belief in God and our lived obedience to the moral imperatives regulating sexual behaviour.” Thus, creating pockets of space and time where we come together and share intimate moments with the Trinity is our best bet in keeping our sexuality sacred and distinct from genitality.

I rely on His word, reflecting on the Bible daily, receiving the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist, meditating in front of the Eucharist, spending quality time with loved ones and my Woman to Woman Ministry sisters and seeking the guidance of my spiritual director. Increasingly I find that the more I nurture my relationship with Jesus, the more this relationship transforms me and enriches my life.

The more I love Him and strive to make Him happy, the more He blesses me and fulfils my desires.

Miracles

I used to think that miracles only happened to other people, and then, only in a big way, like the parting of the Red Sea or someone with fourth stage cancer that suddenly goes into remission. Miracles happening to me, no way.

At our last Woman to Woman core meeting A. shared how her faith was shaped and nourished by her mother's faith - how her Mum would come home every day to share what new miracles happened in her life. Like how the rain would stop until she got to shelter and then would continue. I thought to myself, how true for I have been experiencing mini miracles like that in my life more and more, or should I say I am now able to see the miracles that happen in my life.

Although we are told the God answers even the tiniest prayer, and even takes care of the lilies of the field, it is a truth that is hard to grasp at times. It's not that I don't believe that anything is possible with God, but that I feel my troubles are too trivial to bother Him with or He must be sick of me asking Him for so many things all the time.

The other thing that used to stop me from praying about things that have happened is my concept of time. Until I came to realize that God is out of time, so it's never too late to pray after the fact. The miracle may not be the turning back of time, but the way I am able to understand and react to a particular situation. And how a particular situation can change inexplicably.

So do miracles happen every day - definitely. And by seeking His will in all things and offering up problems or secret sorrows; or making requests as mundane as a desired bus, a safe journey or no rain, I am living out the beatitude of being poor in spirit and relying totally on Him. For everything in my life comes from Him. Another truth I overlook too easily at times.

Yesterday my mother shared with me a story of how a dying woman came back to Christ. When the woman's mother was dying, they asked a priest to come and administer the sacrament of anointing of the sick. The priest never turned up and the mother died without receiving the sacrament. Embittered, the entire family left the Church and turned away from God.

Some 20 years later when the woman was dying, a sister of the woman was prompted to call a priest. The priest came and she shared the story of her mother. It transpired that the priest never arrived for he himself was dying at the same time. This all happened in Kuala Lumpur 20 years ago. The reason why the visiting priest in Singapore could finally give an explanation was because he was assisting the deceased priest in Malaysia then. Although it was not possible to contact the family then, he was able to match the stories now.

Isn't it great how Godincidences shape our lives? And, He is never late but always on time. Most fittingly and beautifully.