Epiphany

As the newborn slumbers in the night, his mother
Gazes at him in wonder and delight.
What a miracle the child is!
He is precious, perfect - a prince of peace.
Even the angels concur, carolling
Jubilant tunes across the star-studded skies
Drawing shepherds and their flocks from afar
To see the saviour of the world in swaddling soft.
While star-trailing kings from the East bear gifts
Of gold, frankincense and myrrh
The highest honour to Emmanuel, God-with-us.
Nativity epiphany!
To see what is revealed in the wintry darkness
Revering, revelling in the mystic truth
That a tiny babe can redeem humanity
Conquering sin through love through time,
No greater love has man than a god who loved
The world so much that he gave his only son
To be born; to live and die agonizingly alone.
Bearing the gift of eternal life in his human entity
The Christ child brings us back to the beginning_
The way it's supposed to be.
When man and woman were created
To live in unity.

Love and honour

If the way I have spent New Year's Day is indicative of what is to come in the rest of the year, then this year will indeed be a time of rest, recollection, reflection, inspiration and creativity.

Last evening, I was given the opportunity to welcome in the new year with a thanksgiving mass at St. Teresa's with family members, while this morning I lounged around luxuriously in my jammies, with my mother for soothing companionship.

I also managed to watch the movie Love and Honor, Bushi no ichibun, by Yoji Yamada. It was a gorgeous tale of love conquering adversity - of Shinnojo Mimura, a samurai who was blinded in the line of duty and how he sought to avenge the dishonour of his wife, Kayo, who in seeking to address the calamity of her husband's misfortune had fallen prey to an unscrupulous samurai, Toya Shimada.

In purportedly offering aid to the young couple after the event that led to Shinnojo's blindness, Shimada has demanded recompense by taking advantage of Kayo, whose beauty he had lusted after for years.

Kayo had submitted unwillingly, caught in the situation, as she believed Shimada would redeem her now-useless husband's livelihood. Subsequently she was blackmailed by Shimada and acquiesced to his demands in misery, knowing full well that the husband she loved and would die for would eventually find out and kill her for her "infidelity".

Upon discovering the truth, Shinnojo divorces Kayo and drives her away, and sets about to relearn his fighting skills as a blind warrior, before challenging Shimada to a duel.

In his single-minded pursuit of Kayo's lost honour, Shinnojo cuts off Shimada's arm amd the defeated samurai eventually commits the final act of seppuku, taking to his grave the identity of his nemesis.

In the final scenes of the movie, Shinnojo debates whether it would have better if he had not discovered the truth for he acknowledges that he has acted wrongly against Kayo whom he loves and who never stopped being his loving and faithful wife.

Shinnojo's humility marks him as a man who loves much and despite his blindness, is able to see the unvarnished truth about himself and those around him.

The movie brought home to me that love and honour are inextricably linked and thus in seeking to bring God honour, I must not forget Christ's principle of love in all things for without love, honour is meaningless.

What also moved me was the portrayal of spousal love between Shinnojo and Kayo, how each were willing to sacrifice self for the benefit of the other, and how each lived out the role of husband and wife respectively, with great tenderness and nobility.

As I begin the new year with fresh resolve to live with integrity, I ask for the ability to realize my still nascent and amorphous desires in order to bear much fruit in 2009.
I also ask that I accomplish everything honourably, and with much love.

Giving thanks

The lead-up to Christmas has left me physically exhausted, a case of trying to do too many things/please too many people.

So it’s nice to be able to kick back and reflect on the year which has galloped by at breakneck speed.

My biggest accomplishment in 2008 was writing a 5,000-word paper on John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

While I got a distinction for the paper and received tremendous affirmation from my good grade, true success lies in how I concretize the philosophy of the late pope in my life - something I suspect I will spend the rest of life doing, given its profundity and depth.

I consider 2008 a year well spent for I put my talents for teaching and writing to good use and I’d like to think that my industry bore good fruit.

In the process, I was blessed financially and I continue to be awed at God’s providence that has enabled me to pursue my desires, studying TOB in Melbourne being chief among them.

Relationships are the meat of existence and it was a year of feasting. I got to know my rellos in Melb (many radiant smiles and wet kisses from James and Hamish) and a visit from my Oz-based aunt made 2008 very special indeed.

My year-end gift came in the form of my cousin back from the UK to stay. We’ve kept in touch through the years but nothing beats face time and just sitting down to a meal together. Welcome home J., so glad you're home!

As for friends, good girl and guy friends, a tribute to all I know who have made my life sweeter, richer and helped me grow. You are all God’s gift to me and have enabled me to get through a truly manic year by blessing me with your love and making me feel pretty special.

If I were to characterize the year in one word, that word would be STRETCH. Intellectually, physically, psychologically, spiritually, in every way possible was I challenged to take it to the next level.

While I have never felt up to the task (like leading worship), I have not backed down and although results are less than perfect at times, I remind myself that sincerity makes up for under-par performance.

I am most grateful for the healing of my gastric problems, the amazingness of JP2, the ability to let go of past loves and a “think BIG” goal for the future.

I am least grateful for my lemon-sized fibroid, sprained, tight muscles and the extra padding of fat I’ve accumulated over the months.

I wish I have had more hours in the day, more discipline, more sleep and more will power.

I rejoice that I was so centred, so persevering, so hopeful and had so much to be grateful for.

Today, I am just glad that I have time to write and say thank you to the one who made all this possible.

Adventous action

I recently went in to see my SD and he asked me, "What does Christmas mean for you?" He had asked me the same question just at the start of Advent and was enquiring how I had been spending the weeks thus.

We had previously discussed the visitation and how Mary must've been encountering the darkest moments of her young life even as she uttered the words of the lovely Magnificat.

I had entered Advent in darkness myself for I had questions about my health (I feel like my body is in the worst state it's ever been due to abuse and neglect) and my fidelity to Jesus (I have not been writing lately but have instead sought the mind-numbing state of TV inertia).

I felt beset by my own weaknesses and human imperfections.

Despite the self-imposed darkness, there have been moments of light, insight and gratitude during this period of Advent as I have tried to keep in mind what SD had said about focusing on prayer and Scripture in attempting to decipher my own interpretation of Christmas.

During this latter meeting, I shared about how I felt challenged to do something this Christmas that was uncharacteristic for me and required quite a bit of psychic energy to muster the courage to carry through, he commented that this season of the liturgical calendar is a time for coming out of our comfort zones.

Just as Joseph and Mary had travelled far from home and family to Bethlehem, with Joseph probably having to stop on the way to seek work as a carpenter in order to finance their arduous journey, the couple would have found themselves far outside their comfort zones.

Alone, homeless, with a child on the way, what was supposed to be a joyous occasion with friends and relatives present to celebrate was instead a sojourn in a strange place marked by a singular lack of support.

And yet, because of their faith and acceptance of the situation, the willingness to be led by the Spirit, the eventual momentous occasion of the birth of Christ in a humble manger was witnessed and welcomed by lowly shepherds and their flocks, a celestial guiding light and and the otherworldly beauty of angels' voices.

The "coming" of the Lord does indeed happen in ways unimaginable and surprisingly joyous despite the strangeness of the situation.

One recurrent thought this Advent has been to let God be God and as I follow the dictates of my heart, led by the Spirit, I await the coming of the infant Jesus in taking the unusual action of coming out of my comfort zone to glorify Him in ways novel and creative.

Totally yours

©"L'Osservatore Romano"
photos from the book
John Paul II:
A Light for the World.


I just watched the documentary on John Paul II's life, "Witness to Hope", and found it very inspiring. What an amazing man!

Here was someone who was willing to push the boundaries in sharing with the world the love of Christ.

Here was a religious who sought to understand the world and brought his message of hope to the masses, and in so doing, was instrumental in uniting the people of Poland to bring to an end the rule of communism, followed later by the destruction of the Berlin wall.

A man of many talents (actor, poet, playwright, philosopher, academician, linguist) JPII could've chosen any road to venture forth and been a success at whatever he put his mind to, but he decided to answer the calling from above.

Just as Mary conveyed her assent to the angel Gabriel and then proceeded to live a life of quiet and titanium-clad faithfulness to God despite the immediately apparent difficulties and definite future heartbreak, JPII was a man who knew the cost of saying yes but went ahead to passionately live out his ideals and beliefs.

His ability to accomplish so much within his lifetime is by virtue of grace, but also through his full cooperation with the Holy Spirit.

He lived by his motto "Totus Tuus", "Totally Yours", which echoed Mary's fiat - not a surprising choice for he had a special affinity with the mother of Christ throughout his life, a relationship that influenced his actions greatly.

While I like to believe that I say yes to being faithful to Christ and his unique way of loving and being every day, it's a struggle to be mindful of my own actions every conscious moment.

Falling or failing is not that uncommon an occurrence, sadly.

According to those close to him, John Paul II found his anchor in daily mass and contemplative prayer despite his exhausting schedule as pope.

As the end of the year looms and I begin to ponder on how I've spent my time, I know I can always do better, especially in the area of prayer.

So as I seek to be a better disciple of Christ, I also thank God for giving me faithful witnesses like John Paul II to encourage me and challenge me to choose wisely and to choose God every time.

Lord, grant me the grace to be yours totally.

Through His eyes

This week I was pleasantly surprised when the optometrist told me that my current pair of contact lenses was over-corrected and that my new contacts, with reduced power, would give me "perfect" vision. I would be able to see both far and near clearly. No reading glasses needed. Pretty cool, huh.

One of the few things that really irked me about the ageing process was "old flower eyes". I can deal with the wrinkles, the weight gain, the daily muscular aches and all the other signs of ageing, but what an incredible pain not to be able to read clearly.

Reflecting on my new, improved vision, I found in it a metaphor for my spiritual life. Is it not true that as we mature in our Christian walk, we should be able to see better as we begin to acquire, bit by bit, the vision of love that is uniquely Christ's?

While I can never, as St. Paul puts it, "see but a poor reflection as in a mirror" until I "see face to face" due to my own distortions and weaknesses here on earth, I can, through my constant desire to see "the face of God", reduce my human-adjusted vision.

I still remember what it used to be like in my late 20s and early 30s, when I was groping in the dark for answers to my life, ill at ease with myself and greatly dissatisfied with certain areas in my life.

It was only when the vision enabled by faith was given to me that I began to view my world in a different light.

I then prayed to be able to see His face and hear His voice for I had been blind and deaf to who God was for many years and therefore not adept at discerning His presence in my life.

Suddenly, things became crystal clear as I began to see with the eyes of my heart, within which dwelled the essence of who I was and God's Spirit which was gifted to me when I was 11 days old.

It's hard to keep clear-sighted at all times for there will be twists and blind corners in the road ahead. Or days where a fog of darkness will descend to linger indefinitely.

As long as I remember to hold fast to the moments of truth (when I see with absolute clarity) that come my way, and steer my course accordingly, I do not fear getting lost or losing myself in the deserts of life.

And so I start each day with a personal petition to be able to see His face and hear His voice always, and thereby also acquire the art of seeing the world through His eyes.

For today, I am most grateful for my improved eyesight that affords the ability to not only read fine print, but to gaze inward and see Jesus looking back at me with love in His eyes.

Gift of death

"Death is the greatest gift God has given us," declared Fr. Arro today at mass celebrating All Souls' Day. Seeing as he was speaking to a church full of living souls who already know what it is to experience the great gift of life, he was right.

Death is the only way we can experience new life. It is the doorway to a richer and fuller life, one that is in complete communion with God. No longer would we be looking at life "through the glass darkly", seeing only partially, and experiencing the fullness of life and love in elusive glimmers that escape us as soon as they appear.

In TOB, JP2 calls this perfect union of man's soul with God's original nakedness.

When God created man and woman, there was a perfect union between man and God, woman and God, and man and woman. Man and woman were naked but felt no shame.*

They were literally and figuratively naked - completely vulnerable to the other and yet completely open and trusting.

There were no miscommunication or hidden agendas for each accepted and loved the other unconditionally, as a precious gift.

There was no baggage or brokenness to blight the relationship as both man and woman were in union with the Creator and in harmony with each other.

As we all know, it was disobedience that caused the Fall and fractured that communion with God and thereby affecting all our earthly relationships with each other.

However, because Jesus came to save us, giving up his life for us, we were redeemed and brought back to the beginning, where relationships were forged of unconditional love.

This is big for it means we can potentially regain the perfect union with God and perfect relationships with each other.

The only problem is humans have this tendency to forget what perfection is and are driven by this yearning for more in life, rarely satisfied for more than a brief moment in time.

And so we have to be content with ephemeral and fragile perfect moments of communion and look forward to the long final sleep of death that will awaken us to new life.

In the meantime, I can only fight against my forgetfulness by cultivating a heart of gratitude, giving thanks to the Creator for every breath I take, and to make the effort to journal and record all singular moments of perfection as they present themselves in my life's journey.

* Genesis 2:25

Word-focused world

A reflection Andrina (who is doing an ICPE School of Mission in the Black Forest, Germany) recently shared with us gal pals in Singapore was inspiring and thought-provoking.

On reflecting how to let go of the distractions of the world, she was encouraged to hang on to His word, not the world - for the difference between world and word is a single "L" which represents the lies that insinuate their way into His word and distract us from its truth in our lives.

St. Paul who was "all things to all men" in his efforts to evangelize, also clung to Christ (a.k.a. the Word made flesh) and advised us not to "conform to the pattern of this world", but to "be transformed" by the "renewing" of the mind.

He also reminds us that while we are living in the world, we should not be of the world. So while we acknowledge the presence of evil in the world, we should not participate in it, and instead should actively seek to transform it.

This transformation of lies of the world into love for the Word, and therefore love for the world of strangers, orphans, widows and the poor* is the only way we can fulfil the ultimate commandments laid down by Christ (on which all others are founded): to love God whole-heartedly and single-mindedly, and to love others as we love ourselves.

Fr. Damian in his homily today offered this pearl: "God is a god of relationships. So if we focus on our relationship with God, then we will have correct dimension in all our other relationships, including the one we have with ourselves."

If we reduce our world into one led by the Word, then we open ourselves to the infinite possibilities of love, and life.

We then have the courage and hope to cross the threshold of love and change the world by bringing the light of Christ into it.

And in the process, we will also be able to calibrate all our relationships into life-giving and mutually affirming ones.

In a world beset with financial crises, environmental distress and greed-driven health disasters, it's imperative we each make a difference each day in how we live out the Word.

* See today's readings: Exodus 22:20-26 and Matthew 22:34-40

Feminine genius

I just attended a retreat facilitated by Angela Lecomber called "Healing the Feminine" held Friday evening and yesterday. It was quite insightful for me and deepened my understanding of John Paul II's Theology of the Body (Yup, it's my TOB year).

What was especially interesting was the discussion on the feminine genius* and we were asked to reflect and comment on our own feminine genius.

The concept of feminine genius comes from John Paul II who, in 1995, commented that each "woman has a genius all her own, which is vitally essential to both society and the Church…"

This feminine genius is inherent in each woman and marks her distinct from man not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

For example, by nature women tend to be more collaborative, relational, indirect, nurturing, spontaneous, intuitive, hopeful, sensitive and creative.

Reflecting on my own feminine genius, the one thing that stands out is my ability to weep easily. It is one that I rejected for a long time for I was shamed at a very young age for this "weakness".

It is only in recent years that I have begun to understand and embrace my tears, which are a unique part of who I am as woman.

My tears are my body's way of reacting to injustice, beauty, rejection, pain, loneliness, joy and tragedy.

My tears are what move me to act with compassion, anger, courage, despair and love.

My tears represent the core of my sexuality, what is essentially woman in me.

While I do sometimes feel I am ridiculously emotional, I know that my tears represent my "heart of flesh" and, without them, I would be half the woman I was created to be.

So along with my propensity for waterworks, I accept the other constituents of my feminine genius and continue to nurture all that has been given to me by the Creator.



* The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines genius as a peculiar, distinctive, or identifying character or spirit or the personification or embodiment especially of a quality or condition.

Gift giving

Yes, it is finally over, my TOB paper is done!!! Submitted yesterday at 7:30am. While I was not very satisfied with it, I had run out of time and had to let it go in its final mutation.

I've gained a couple of insights while writing it, chief among which is that I suck at starting any big project, especially if I think/know it's going to be difficult.

I have to say my gut feel was right on this and most of the process was pretty torturous for John Paul II is not an easy read. But I now have a better grasp of what the late pontiff was saying in his catechesis, post-paper, and I'm glad for the knowledge transfer that has taken place.

The other Church documents I had to read made a deep impact on me and I came away awed at the wealth of information and the depth of knowledge contained in these documents, although my main bugbear is the language that these documents, including TOB, are written in - must they be written in language that is so inaccessible to ordinary folk like me?

Anyway, that's another story but I do resolve to do something about it, so watch this space...

In my meeting with my SD yesterday, he asked me what was it that I gained most during the course and the writing of the paper and I summed it up in one word: affirmation.

In going back to the beginning of Creation and understanding what is meant by being made in God's "image and likeness"...

In assimilating JPII's philosophy on what the body, my body, was created for and deciphering the language of my body...

In dissecting Christ's suffering and death on the Cross, His redemption of the body and His great love for humanity...

In all these revelations of divine love, I am totally awed and humbled.

I am learning to accept the gift of my body wholeheartedly and I delight in the gifts of the Trinity, Creation and of others in my life.

In turn, I am also challenged to make sense of the gifts I have received and to reciprocate by being a gift to others in the way I am - in my heart, my soul, my mind and all my strengths.

JPII beautifully develops the idea of self-gift which was proclaimed by Pope Paul VI in Gaudium et Spes: Man "cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself".

So when I give, I receive myself more and more in my living, ensouled body.

The more I give, the more I receive?

Gotta love the gift of JPII!

The right vision

I was channel surfing last week and caught a portion of an episode of Oprah where the women were singing the praises of using a vision board. There was also a panellist who had a book about healing the past through forgiveness.

I had to laugh for all these are not original ideas and are deeply rooted in the Christian tradition. The ideas have just been repackaged to appeal to a wider, secular audience

Coincidentally, a cousin of mine recently asked me if I had read the best-selling book The Secret? My response to her was why should I buy the book when I already know the secret - the secret to achieving or acquiring unlimited happiness, peace, prosperity... all the good things in life?

I haven’t read the book so am not qualified to make any comments on it but can see its widespread appeal. Who among us does not want to be happy, rich, at peace, living the life we want?

Guess what, this is what God wants for every one of us and if we are able to live out our faith in congruence to our everyday life, to who (and what) we are called to be, then we will have achieved the secret.

It is as simple as that. Truth often is. It is people who complicate truth when they rationalize or accept a partial or distorted version of the truth.

We are all born wanting to be good, attracted to good. Yet, somehow the world’s definition of good connotes a lack of freedom and is seen as something not desirable as it implies living a life bound by rules and less pleasure.

Living life in accordance to God’s will when lived out of love and not duty is empowering, librating and pleasurable to the extreme.

How do we do this? First by accepting the gift of God’s love and absorbing it fully in our minds, hearts and bodies. If we are able to accept His gift of love (of "who I am" and of how much "I am loved" by Him) with openness and eagerness, then we can allow love to radiate outwards – and we can then give to others and allow others, in turn, to give back to us. And thus be able attain what we desire in life.

So I am going to find time to draw up my vision board soon for it’s a great idea to take stock of life and see if I am heading in the right direction. I will do it with one fundamental difference - by allowing God to be the centre of my vision.

As I do it, I will let the words of this old Irish hymn I love guide me:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

* A vision board is a poster board of a collage of images that appeal to you: images of who you want to become, things you desire/want to do, places you wish to visit, etc.

Memorial gift

Early this morning, I was given a dream.

In it I saw my father who was happy, healthy and chatting easily with my 2nd aunt, and my 2nd and 6th uncles after a weekday afternoon mass at the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd. We all happened to attend the same mass and had spotted each other and were standing around in the car park for a quick chat.

When I saw him standing there in his blue pyjamas, I was overjoyed to see him. For it was so great to be able to see him smile, standing there looking so well even though it was a dream.

It is five years to the day since he passed on. I still remember his last day with us very vividly. The eventual realization that it was indeed his final day as he slowly slipped into a coma. And how the night before he must've known the end was near for he thanked us for taking care of him.

Thinking of him still makes me weep and I don't think I will ever stop mourning his loss. It is something I am glad for, for it proves to me that love is stronger even than death, and I know that this love that binds me to him will eventually see us reunited in the Father's embrace.

Regardless of loss, time moves on inexorably. Rather than wallow in sorrow, I choose to celebrate my father's life every day in the way I try to live up to his ideals of honour and integrity.

Every act of care and selfless giving to my mother.

Every deed of generosity that echoes his willingness to help those who were less privileged.

Every endeavour to forgive and actively foster family ties.

Every meal that is cooked with love and seasoned with his tastebuds of perfectionism.

And so tonight Mum and I sat down to a fine repast of fresh oysters, bratwurst and chilled white wine to give thanks to the man who lived life to the fullest in every sense of the word.

While life with Dad had its moments, there were also wonderful memories.

I choose to let go of the bad and cherish the good and I am grateful for the wonderful gift I received this early morn.

Olympian efforts

What a day of Olympic watching! Michael Phelps won his eighth goal, an absolute coup, although not unexpected. Especially coming a day after his previous spectacular win in the 100m butterfly by 0.01 of a second.

The women's marathon saw 38 year-old Constantina Tomescu-Dita from Romania break away from the pack midway to take the gold over a minute before the other runners.

What also made the marathon gripping to watch was that world record-holder Paula Radcliffe of Britain who chased the elusive Olympic medal yet again had to concede defeat from injury (she's still recovering from a stress fracture in her thigh bone). Her courage in completing the race despite having to stop midway to deal with leg cramps was inspiring.

In my book, every woman who completed the marathon is a winner. It is as St. Paul would put it a case of running "the good race" where determination, perseverance, strength, discipline and a whole lotta heart are needed. Every runner displayed all these qualities in full measure.

In the case of Phelps's eighth goal it was the US swim team's effort that made it possible. Working as parts of "one body", bringing their individual strengths to play to pursue a dream and attain it. It was high drama at its best.

The Olympics underscored all that I have been absorbing over the last few weeks about the body. There is no separation of spirit and body and it is the force of the spirit within a body that enables a person to strive and attain his or her goals.

Through the body we connect to the world. The Olympics idealizes the best of human bonding where political differences are set aside and a common bond is forged through the love of sport and the ability to hone the human body to physical peak and display its prowess.

Those of us who can't, just sit in front of the telly and marvel at how the human body can be pushed to the limit and achieve what seems to be impossible.

We are reminded that the impossible is made possible if we but only try.

Spiritual time outs

There is an article by columnist Erma Bombeck which she wrote when she was diagnosed with cancer entitled "If I had my life to live over" and in it she enumerates ways in which she would have been less concerned with doing things efficiently, practically or responsibly and been more spontaneous and laid back.

Essentially she would have taken more time to smell the roses, live in the moment and not sweat the small stuff.

It's hard not to rush along in life doing, doing, doing for the culture we live in applauds accomplishment and achievement, measuring success by concrete acts and material wealth.

So how much money have you made today? How many people have you saved?

What about how many people have you made smile today? Who has felt loved today by your care and concern?

Often we forget it's the small gestures that can mean a lot. A common courtesy. Acknowledging the presence of the other by giving our utmost attention to the person. Taking the time to listen to someone and be there for them.

We are so conditioned to focus on the destination or goal that we forget the importance of the journey. Or to have fun as we journey.

I am guilty of doing this quite often. Trying to keep to my daily schedule, I rush from place to place. I cut out the niceties and tend to be very business-like in my dealings.

When I get into efficiency mode, I usually feel depleted by day's end for I sacrificed quality by doing and forgetting to enjoy what I'm doing. Worse, I set out trying to do too much and feel like a failure when I do not accomplish all that I set out to do.

And it all becomes so much meaningless activity.

It's nigh impossible to slow down the pace of my life but I have learnt to create spiritual time outs during the day.

To create spaces where I converse with Jesus and thank Him for the small graces that touch my life as I go about my day: the sun shining in a blue, blue sky, the food stall seller who did not charge me full price for my breakfast, or the appearance of the bus I need when I am running late.

Constantly touching base with Him and offering my day to Him helps me surrender any anxiety I have over things not going my way. Quite vital for a control freak like me who likes to exert her will over life.

And I am also reminded to open my eyes to the beauty of the world around me, inhale life and exude enjoyment for all that He gives me every day.

It thus becomes time well spent.

A perfect love

Today at lunch she said to me

Who is this new man in your life?

Who has got you aglow with joy

Blooming, like a morning glory?

Come on, out with it, tell me his name

For you are clearly not the same.

I said to her there is no man,

No one new: He’s been in my life

From the very start; the first time

I drew breath, He was there, smiling.

In his eyes, a deep love shining.

It’s just that now I see him clearly.

How could I begin to explain?

What I experience in my being

Is something the world dismisses

As unreal, too good to be true.

The primordial promise often sought,

In worldly things that come to naught.

It took me a while to find him

Whispering in the wind he’s barely

Discernible. You have to choose.

Are you the grain of wheat that dies

To bear new life, take on new guise?

Or are you made of stone, just lawful?

As our love grows, a nuptial fruit

I live in him and him in me.

He is my way, my truth, my life

My lover forever, my knight.

Although, at times, I lose the fervour

He is there, loving as ever.

The perfect man, a perfect love

How did I do it, you may ask?

You must seek in order to find

What is there in the beginning.

For only then what is fright’ning

Will be revealed as the priceless pearl.

Saying yes

Finally, the mountain of work has been conquered and the book (yes the mountain is a book of sorts) goes into printing tomorrow. I've had to work almost every day while I was in Melbourne (just got back Saturday night) but thank God for movable deadlines where the impossible is made possible.

I am humbled by how the Lord knows exactly what I need and provides so generously. And I am encouraged to keep saying yes, even when I say yes to things that scare me and that I do not think I am good enough to tackle them.

This has been my biggest learning lesson of the summer.

In the movie Out of Africa, Karen Blixen makes this wry comment: "When the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers."

I used to subscribe to that cynical view on life. Now looking at the quote, I see that the operative word is "gods", not God.

Anyone who has tried to serve two masters or worship false idols will know that choosing something or a course of action that stems from selfish desires may bring joy, but it also brings with it suffering - usually to those around him, if not to the chooser himself or herself.

Over lunch today, C. just shared with me that someone we both know, a staunch Christian in the past, has now chosen to abandon his role as husband and father in order to pursue his own personal happiness.

It made me stop to think how easy it is to stop saying yes to God and to say yes instead to the pursuit of self pleasures.

How easy it is to forget that Jesus really loves us and He wants only good things for us, that it's never in His plan to make us suffer.

How easy to take such an unselfish love for granted and not treasure the very thing we are seeking for in life.

How easy to fall from grace.

So what is it that can change the hearts and minds of good, even great people, and make them do a 180 degree turn, eschewing all they chose and worked for previously?

A lot hinges on how we view God. Do we view Him as vengeful, a policeman god who will punish us for our transgressions?

Or as a Santa Claus god to whom we pray only when we want something from Him?

Or a watchmaker god who creates the world and then steps back and lets it function on its own, a benevolent but distant being?

I used to think God was all of the above until I experienced first-hand that compassionate, merciful, unconditional love that the psalmists write about in the book of Psalms.

It was like falling in love for the very first time - a special and unique, never-before experienced event - so memorable that the event is burned indelibly in my consciousness. A true burning bush experience.

But like all memories, it can get displaced by wants and desires and even such a deep, personal experience of love can be discounted and forgotten.

And so it's important to say yes every new day, building on the first time I said yes to Jesus as I accepted his warm embrace of love.

Saying yes involves hard work. It's not an action I carry out on principle, on "blind faith". I have to work at getting to know Jesus as a person, what are His Father's plans for me and constantly finetune my ability to discern how the Spirit moves in my life.

It's all about making informed decisions and choices in life every step of the way.

This also involves getting to know myself and understanding myself better as a person, accepting myself, the good and the bad, and having the courage to allow Him to mould me as He wills.

The latter is the most difficult for it requires purification and reformation, which, at times, can be most painful. So why do it you may ask?

No one else in this world will love me with such depth and kindness - who accepts me for who I am and who is always there for me, till the end of time and beyond.

Now how can I say no to that?

Body power

Wow, what a week! Intense in terms of content to be absorbed as well as the gruelling pace of the days.

The day starts with daily mass, followed by classes from 10:00 am - 5:00 pm. Home I go for a quick dinner followed by work till past midnight. I've been averaging about six hours of sleep every night and I am just glad my body seems to be holding up.

Speaking of body, I have begun to look at the body in a whole new way. I am awed at the richness and depth of the late Pope John Paul II's thoughts on the subject, on how there is a theology of the body.

I am amazed at how his writings encompass and synthesize what I have been absorbing from various sources as well as from my own real life experiences in the last four years.

I can only sit back in wonder at how He has led me to this point, which is a point of affirmation of my being, deep in my ensouled body.

I struggle to grasp concepts which are pretty revolutionary in a world that mostly sees the body in a very reduced way, in a very primitive sense that brings to mind what Paul said about seeing 'through the glass darkly' for we seem to live in a world that sees through a mainly obscured vision.

We have bought into a world where we see ourselves as creatures governed by our sexual urges with a distorted vision of love against which we are powerless to make choices that are true and good.

As God is love, and we are made in His image and likeness and therefore are made to love and be loved, the human quest for love is very real, as evidenced by the music, film and literature of our times and times past.

And yet, this quest for love (and happiness) which has taken us down the widely accepted route of casual sex, hedonistic lifestyles and a rejection of God and God's ways seems to have bred more loneliness, unhappiness and violence in the world.

Worse, we see perversions and abuses against humanity in new ways and increasing numbers every day.

Where have we gone wrong? What have we lost? Why is love, and happiness, so hard to experience?

JPII leads us back to the beginning, to the creation of the world, the first man and the first woman in the book of Genesis.

In his proposal of what is original solitude, original unity and orginal nakedness, which together form the essential core of every true and real experience of love, he points us to the body - for it is in the body that we exist, there can be no separation of a person from his or her body.

"I am in my body and my body is what connects me to the world. My body is a reflection of Christ's love to myself and others. It is through my body that I can concretely receive and give love of the highest order."

What we have lost is a reverence for our own body as a precious gift from God which, in turn, is a gift to our own self and to others. And thus, through our body we can be fruitful, not limited merely to the function of procreation, but to the depths of creativity only humans can plumb. We can live out the full expression of our being in our body.

Unfortunately, we rarely live in and live out the truth of our body, which is done only if we answer the call (the appeal to accept His gift of love) from God wholeheartedly.

Oftentimes, we are afraid that saying yes to the gift means a loss of freedom, a life less pleasurable and fulfilled, a life governed by outmoded rules and legalistic prudishness.

Contrary to popular belief, saying yes to God brings with it a freedom that grounds and connects us, through a love that precedes commandments and strictures of the law.

It is a giant leap to trust in God's love, that it can bring us our heart's, and more importantly (so it would seem in today's world), our body's desires.

Therein lies the paradox of Christianity: one must lose one's life in order to gain it, to die before one can live.

So we must take that leap to live out our identity as a child of God, a child of flesh and blood, living in close communion to the Father.

Only then will we begin to understand the wonders of His mighty love, the true value of the body and view the world with supernatural clarity.

TOB time

I am so psyched! I managed to make it to Melbourne despite my misgivings and the incredibly intense work pace I've been experiencing lately.

The writing job is still not done but the mountain of work has been reduced dramatically and it is now manageable. I can handle the home stretch as long as I keep pace.

The journey to come to Melbourne has been an interesting one. I've read the book (the light version), viewed the DVDs and have come to see the beauty in John Paul II's Theology of the Body over the last few years. So when the opportunity to come to Melbourne and take the certificate course presented itself, I was immediately drawn to the idea.

Of course the practicalities were dampening: how could I take off from work for such a length of time (my clients and boss would not be happy plus I would have no income for the period of 12 days), how could I leave my mother to fend for herself (unhealthy guilt I know but it does exist) and how would I pay for it???

Was this desire a frivolous one? A selfish one? So I offered it up to the Lord. If indeed it was not His desire enfolded in mine, then all efforts to make it happen would come to naught. I told myself not to be disappointed if it did not come to pass for if I allowed JC to lead, then I would have to accept where He led me.

First I got my leave approved. Then I worked through my guilt regarding my responsibilities as a daughter. Then the writing job literally fell from the skies right into my lap and the money issue was solved. If that's not providence I don't know what is.

I look forward to the first day of class tomorrow.

I look forward to spending time with my uncle and his family and building familial ties.

Most of all I look forward to this sacred space of getting to know Him a little better and learning to love Him in new ways.