Labyrinth truths

Just yesterday evening P claimed I had a new addiction – to house flipping shows. I admit to a fascination with house flipping as well as a show called Sort Your Life Out where a team of people come in and help families seriously declutter and organize their homes which have become hoarding or dumping grounds that affect daily living and overwhelm the inhabitants. 

While on my labyrinth walk this morning, I realized why these shows appeal to me so much. It’s about houses that have become run down, or homes in chaos, all in need of change and transformation. All it takes is some timely and expert intervention, and the changes wrought are often incredible – beauty, function and order are restored. Homes become oases of peace, enabling inhabitants to live harmoniously, rest and be restored. 

Jesus has been, and still is, my personal house flipper or sorter outer when I am messed up. When asked to reflect on truth (my labyrinth walk this morning was led by Edwina Yeow, Soul Tending | Anam Cara Ministries), I was asked to be aware of the guides that often taint my behaviour: pride, envy and shame. These often deflect or distort the truths in my life. Edwina also shared that Jesus wanted all of us to live our lives by the greatest commandment of loving God, and loving our neighbour as ourselves, and that this actually reveals three entities: God, other and self. Thus, the necessity of tending to self was as important as our endeavours to love God and those around us.   

With that, I began my walk. As I progressed, I noticed the cracks on the labyrinth and they came to represent my pride, where my good acts were often marred by my pride which showed up as impatience, the need to control the situation or to be right, and a very ego-driven view of the world. As I walked further, I noticed little plants growing in the cracks, making them places of new life. 

The thought that came to me was that if I immerse my seeds in the fire of Holy Spirit, my seeds will become good seed that grow into good plants, that will bear good fruit. So, whatever I do in life, I always need to offer it up to the Lord to burn away my self-indulgent tendencies and poor motivation. Do I do something good because I want the affirmation of others, or because this is how a good woman should behave, or do I simply do good because I love Jesus and I want to glorify Him? With this purification of intent, the cracks of pride can now be receptacles of life and beauty. 

Soon, I began to notice black splotches on the path which I immediately identified as my envy. I am always envious of people who attract others to themselves, men and women whom people just like from the get go. As an introvert, I have to work really hard to be socially acceptable, and because one of my core distortions is I am unloveable, I struggle a lot when I think someone else is loved more than myself. I often feel rejected, and my competitive hackles raise up. Then I heard the Father saying to me, my grace, and my love, they are both sufficient. As long as you KNOW I love you, why do you feel you need to earn the love of others? Just be, and become the you I created. Everything else will fall into place - so chill.

What am I most ashamed of? The ugly bits of who I am, for all my defects point to the fact I am not worthy of being loved. Envy and shame take refuge in the me that is a horrible, repellent failure of a person. I could hear the Lord say to me: Silly child, when will you accept that you are my beloved, the apple of my eye, and I love you just the way you are. Stop rejecting your darkness, your brokenness. Instead, take my hand, and let me transform you. Let me restore who you are, for I can take what is beyond redemption and make it into a masterpiece of true beauty and goodness.

I was reminded of the first time I read Isaiah 62:3-5. It blew my mind for the words gave me such hope. I never imagined that I could ever be so desirable as a woman. Today, the words took on another layer of meaning, and I am so grateful for His reminder. 

You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord,

    and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

You shall no more be termed Forsaken,

    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate;

but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,

    and your land Married;

for the Lord delights in you,

    and your land shall be married.

For as a young man marries a young woman,

    so shall your builder marry you,

and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,

so shall your God rejoice over you,

So this is the truth I took home with me today. With my eternal Bridegroom, I am a delight, His radiant bride. I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me (Song of Songs 7:10).  

  

Slave of Love

Lately what has been resonating with me from Scripture is slave to righteousness, slave of God, obedient slave. The word slave suggests control, subjugation to another, you are not your own person, but you belong to someone else. There is nothing pleasant about being a slave. And yet, it is a word Saint Paul uses frequently in his letter to the Romans, who knew exactly what slavery meant.

I took my commitment last Sunday, which was more than just a commitment to my brothers and sisters in community, for it was also a renewal of my baptismal covenant with God.  It was an action on my part to declare publicly that I am a slave of God, and I am happy to belong to Him - a far cry from the day of my baptism when I was only 12 days old, and it was my parents who gifted me with the awesome gift of baptism, out of their love for me. I will be eternally grateful for their consecrating me to the Lord, for it has shaped my life so powerfully, especially in the last 20 years when I began to take my baptism much more seriously.

What does being a slave mean in concrete terms? It means that I place His will above mine in all areas of my life, so I must be careful to love Him by always doing what is right and good for the other, and not merely go for low hanging fruit or self-preservation, that is, be a minimal or nominal Christian. I cannot take a raincheck when I am tired, or just want to goof off. Faithfulness requires obedience, perseverance, endurance, discipline, humility, energy, effort, joy, peace, and courage to be a good witness despite the sacrifice, hardship, and an inner inclination to say no. Say hello to struggles, tears, sweat and exhaustion – even desolation. It is all that, and more. 

So why did I make a commitment when it seems impossible to carry out, knowing full well, I will fail numerous times? I love Him. It is as simple as that. He is my portion and cup. The sun rises and sets on Him. I am the apple of His eye, His beloved, His pearl of great price. And I say yes to allowing myself to be moved by Him, His Spirit, His reason, His love for all those around me. I know I am wonderfully made by Him and I want to live up to this by saying as Mother Mary did: My soul magnifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my saviour.

I chose to offer up to the Lord a small statue of Our Lady of Fatima for I desire to be like Mother Mary, who always listened with humility, and I wish to heed her words to follow Jesus, and do whatever He tells me. I also chose my rosary as an offering for prayer, constant prayer, will be my weapon against evil. In my commitment which I could pen myself, I chose a verse from Micah 6:8 for to me, it tells me exactly what I need to do to be a good and faithful servant, an obedient slave:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; 

and what does the Lord require of you 

but to do justice, and to love kindness 

and to walk humbly with your God? 

Covenant community good

I spent Sunday with some of my fellow community brothers and sisters who will be taking their five-year covenant (I will be taking my five-year commitment) this coming Sunday, and it was a time of inspiration and drawing closer to one another. We shared our own personal journeys from the time we each took our first covenant to now. There is a common thread we see in our collective journeys: from not really knowing what covenant was all about when we first said yes to this particular community, to the sweetness of the first yes, the honeymoon period. This was followed by a period of disillusionment, of struggles and challenges, and finally coming to a place of clear-eyed decision on our next step.

The grace of saying yes initially was costly, measured over time, as we looked back on the past, but each one of us continues to say yes, knowing that life will always be uncertain, but the faithfulness of God never changes. God, who first loved us, and called us into covenant, God who upheld the covenant despite our many missteps and lack of faith through the years. He is the one each of us loves, and wants to affirm our faith and love for Him in this upcoming covenant-taking.

What was really evident was the internal chaos and pain caused by the departure of a couple mid-way through these last shared years together as a community. The loss made each one of us question our own covenant-taking, our faithfulness. The gravitas of the covenant was almost undermined, or was it truly? Certainly when “bad things” happen, whether it is to us personally, or caused by an event that impacts us so significantly, it causes us to pause and question our own responses. Faith is shaken, like it or not. But we must never forget to cling on to God’s promises during such times, when we find ourselves in despair or confusion, and pray through it all, asking for divine help to smoothen the path again, and bring clarity and light to the darkness.

Roadblocks are inevitable, and part of the course. We will experience conflict, misunderstanding and maybe even great hurt at times in community. Yet, because we said yes to community, we cannot walk away without first trying to reconcile, not just with others, but first of all, within ourselves, our relationship with God and our own inner equilibrium.

One great insight on Sunday was health, our own healthy psyches and bodies, as well as the health of our fellow brothers and sisters in community. We need to tend to our own selves first, growing in self-awareness, and wanting to change for the better. We need to adopt the discipline of a healthy lifestyle, tending to our physical, emotional and mental well-being so that this holds us in good stead as we then try to help our brothers and sisters come to that same state of health.

Of course we will never grow at the same speed, but, if we ourselves are in a state of health, we will be better able to hold the space for others, and help them achieve progress. By virtue of the covenant, we must not allow fragile egos to clash and burn relationships forever. We must always try and take a mature response to perceived hurts, forgiving the other immediately, presuming that as beloved brothers and sisters, we never set out to hurt the other intentionally, with malice in our thoughts, actions or words. Walk softly, hold all things lightly, and speak gently. And should we need help, we can rely on other brothers and sisters to help with conflict management.

E stressed a very important word – interdependence. For relationships to thrive and be healthy, we must understand the symbiosis of our community relationships and contribute actively, in a life-giving manner. The pains we take to know the other and connect with the other is key to nurturing healthy relationships. No man or woman is an island, so we each give our love, understanding, time, effort and talents to the table of community; and we each take from this table the love and empathy of others as seen in their time, effort and talents at various times. We know we can lean on the strengths of others as we, in turn, allow others to lean on us for strength. 

There is no mistake that we are in community with each other and we should welcome the learning moments of hurt, anger and conflict which can lead to building deeper bonds of love, but only if we each allow this to happen. Reconciliation is a beautiful thing that affirms all relationships and helps each of us grow spiritually, to become who He has created each of us to become. Let us also not forget all the good and joyous moments, allowing these to be the mortar between the bricks, especially when conflict comes along.  

I have also learned through the years to not take myself so seriously, to be able to laugh at myself and situations, to not sweat the small stuff. The Scripture that speaks deeply to me is from Matthew 7:5: You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour's eye. When I feel aggrieved or wronged, I sit with it, inviting Jesus in. As E pointed out, we need to touch the wounds of Jesus ourselves, in order that we can begin the healing process of conversion within ourselves.

Above all else, pray. Rely on the divine grace of the covenant to propel us towards life and joy, for that is exactly what God desires for each of us. So, this coming Sunday, I look forward to knowing, loving and serving Him in a very particular way, with a very specific group of people whom I call brothers and sisters. What power and joy there will be in saying yes wholeheartedly!

Child's play

Ever since J was a toddler, I have read to him storybooks and I have told him stories, especially on the way to school, to engage his attention constructively. I use the drive time to teach him practically anything - about the world we live in, virtues, life skills, vocabulary, or just to fire his imagination and sense of wonder. Woven inside these stories is simply one message – to affirm him that he is loved, and therefore I always have time for him.

Later when it was both him and his sister C, I would do the same if they requested stories. Sadly the way to school was too brief, in the last year, to really do justice to stories. So now it is usually on weekend outings, when the drive time is 20 minutes or more, that stories are requested.    

Just last week, on one such trip, J experienced a breakthrough, and I was again reminded that there is such great power in story-telling. The story I told both of them was not new, it was about perseverance, and the courage to try, and try again, despite failure, but this time around, it really resonated with J.

A couple of other things stood out for me as well. Chiefly, never underestimate the power of prayer and the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. J is currently going through a stage where he lacks self-confidence and due to that, he sometimes refuses to keep at an activity until he attains mastery over it. What’s more, he tends to refuse to believe in his achievements and rejects compliments. I have been wrecking my brains on how to help him and it is only through the Spirit that I was given the words to speak, and for him to receive those words with an open heart and be transformed.

Secondly, every moment is a teaching opportunity, whether it is about imparting new knowledge, or simply to communicate love, in such a way that the receiver has a felt experience of it. For when someone knows they are loved, they trust the person who loves them, and they are open in that relationship of love and trust to receive new things, even discipline.

My grandchildren know I love them, not so much because I tell them I love them, but more so in my actions. I make time for them. I do things for them like making pancakes for breakfast. I give them the gift of my presence when I am with them, and I show them that I delight in them. We have fun together, and we laugh together.

Joy is a necessary ingredient for growth. Without joy, the lesson is not as effective as we may have wished. That was what also came to me in J’s recent breakthrough. It began as a designated fun day so we got to ride cable cars with different pokemons decorating each cable car. We went on rides, played games, and we ate food they both liked, finishing off with ice cream, J’s favourite food in all the world - his ice cream face is one of unadulterated joy. So he was having a good day, and he was primed for the afternoon, after his nap. He expected more fun and he got it. When I told that story about perseverance on the car ride to River Wonders, he was ready to hear it, and to make it his own, which he did the very next day. May he continue to retain this kernel of self-believe in more challenging days to come. I think I can, I think I can…I can do it!

At yesterday’s community meeting, D reminded us that being a missionary disciple requires a holistic approach in which we not only receive, but we give. There is no linear progression and we have to be open to how these roles are interchangeable and complementary. He highlighted three roles we all need to grow in, in order that we can love God in a way that keeps us excited and enthusiastic in how we serve, until the day we go home to Him. How we keep the passion going in our relationship with God is vital.

CHILD: As children of God, sons and daughters, we have to experience ourselves as beloved, precious and delightful. We engage in play, exploration, enjoyment, observation and in just being who we are. At this level, we trust in the Father, we accept our own identities and we are secure in who we are. However, we cannot remain as needy, narcissistic younglings, only opening our mouths demandingly to receive all the time. We need to channel the child in us to change the world with child-like glee.

DISCIPLE: A disciple is one who is a follower, student, novice or apprentice and there is great emphasis on learning, discovering, imitating, training, experimenting and assimilating. The qualities of being teachable, obedient, open, humble, patient and persevering hold us in good stead here. For there is always some gift or talent to hone, to make us ready to serve well. Although a fundamental mindset to have, we must not remain stuck in this mode only, if not we will never exercise our true purpose on earth – what we are actually created to do, and, consequently, to find meaning and self-fulfillment in life.

STEWARD: Here if where our mission takes place. We give back as a mentor, leader, guide, teacher, evangelist, shepherd or apostle. We serve the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength by sharing, imparting and pastoring. We love our neighbours as ourselves. This is huge. If we only focus on this aspect, we will very quickly get burned out. Or we may even lose our way by serving not in the way He wants us to serve, but only by my own strength and mind. Spiritual dryness is a constant.    

Like J, I need days where I luxuriate in fun. Like a child, I play, I laugh, and I sing. I depend on the Father in a way that shows I trust Him and all His plans for me which are pure love. I commit everything into His hands, and I am free to just be, nothing more, nothing less. I let Him love me in a way that I can experience joy and deep inner peace. I stop being an adult who uses logic, and I tune in to the mystery of His love, which is always so much more than I could ever envision. By so doing, I prime myself to be better at the roles of disciple and steward.

Life is not all fun and games. It can present challenges. Growth can be painful. Loss and decay (ageing and sickness) are all part and parcel of life. Death is real, but so is life. So every moment of our lives, there is something to glean, to learn from, and then to give back: to make lemonade out of the lemons, and then to give the lemonade away, for free, so that others may be refreshed and rejuvenated.

Just as teaching J can be rewarding and frustrating all at once, I learn so much from both he and C when I engage with them. I get in touch with my limitations and my weaknesses, as I do my strengths and divine-inspired inner beauty. We are all complex beings and we should honour our own complexities by taking the time to know and understand them, and to decide what we want to do with them.

The Shema Moses gave in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 seems fitting whether I nurture the child, disciple or steward me:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Lord, let me spend each day remembering what I learn each day, as a child, and disciple, in order that I can be a better steward today.