At the beginning of the year when I was still doing Pope John Paul II's Love & Responsibility, I turned to my husband and said to him, "You don't affirm me enough, but that's okay, I know that's you, so it's cool." He responded, "But I do affirm you a lot". He went on to elaborate that he didn't believe in paying lip service and instead preferred to use actions to show his love for me.
Two things struck me after that exchange, one, we were kind of talking at cross-purposes and two, I finally understood what Pope JP2 meant when he wrote about the affirmation of the value of the person.
When I said affirm, I meant words of affirmation. I did not mean the sweet nothings Boy whispers to Girl in the throes of first love, or insincere, calculated words used by a Smooth Talker to charm a woman. In my ICPE community, words of affirmation are truths we speak to the other, not so much to praise the other, but to honour the other; to give a little nod of acknowledgement and appreciation to who he or she is. We usually do this on special occasions like birthdays or when we feel prompted by the Spirit.
Much like P, I don't quite trust words at times and I prefer to allow my actions to convey my love. This goes back to Gary Chapman's identified love language of acts of service - it is my secondary love language and P's primary. Having said that I have learned how important it is to use words to encourage and support someone. It is nice to receive external validation from time to time to know I am on the right track, and to even be pleasantly surprised when I have not seen the good in myself that others see in me. Positive reinforcement. Why not? Especially since all I received as a child was negative reinforcement. I am still learning to be a little more generous with affirming words, words that are comforting and even healing.
Coming back to the book, I am just astounded at how difficult this business of love is, especially spousal love. In Part Three, the Ethical Analysis of Love, JP2 talks about the value of a person as being linked with the whole being and not just his or her sex. When we are able to look at someone of the opposite sex beyond the whole sensual-affective attraction we may experience, in proper relation to the value of the person, this is affirmation of the value of the person.
The most powerful way this affirmation of the value of a person is demonstrated is in marriage, when man and woman choose each other permanently, and affirm the vows they made at their wedding ceremony daily: I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health and I promise to love you and honour you all the days of my life. In order to mean what I say, to love my husband as I promised to do so on our wedding day, it means I have to choose to fully live out the virtue of love. Love as exemplified best by Jesus, who loved unconditionally and compassionately and who ultimately sacrificed His life for love of us.
It means not using the other ever in any way but to always be giving, always wanting the good or better of the other by subsuming one's own selfish needs and desires. JP2 talks about the personalistic norm which, in a nutshell, is to love your neighbour as you love yourself, never using him or her as an object of use, or as a means to an end.
When P said to me I affirm you a lot, he was stating a truth he lives out in actions. He accepts and tolerates my craziness, gently teasing me to be a better person. He gives me space to be who I am and enables me to follow my dreams by being supportive. He chooses to spend most of his free time with me. He tries to make me laugh every single day. He buys me stuff I like.
Likewise, I accept him for who he is. I do my best to run the household and ensure everything runs smoothly. I bite my tongue when a sharp retort is just trembling on the tip of it (although he would probably say I am not successful enough with this). I look after the grandkids and the kids who mean the world to him, and now to me as well. I try to make him laugh. I spend most of his free time with him. I buy or cook him his favourite foods while ensuring he eats healthily most of the time. I sit with him and watch soccer (good thing World Cup is once every four years). And I try to speak positive words into his life, truths about him that delight me, affirming words.
Today we have completed six years of marriage. In that time, I have lost quite a few people dear to me and he has always been there for me in my grief. Those were the times when I felt his love and affirmation most, the way he would take time off his busy schedule just to be there to comfort me, how he would bring me dinner and drive me home - those are the acts of love I treasure the most. Sure, the holidays we take are lovely, like celebrating my birthday in Sydney this year, but knowing I can count on him when I am down is priceless.
I thank Father God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for being our advocates and counsellors, and most of all, Mama Mary, who brought us together in the first place and continues to do so in many ways.
Happy anniversary, P, love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being you, the cheerful, beaming boy in the blue and white striped T-shirt.
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