Marriage vows

I wear your ring on my finger 
The one you put there 
As a sign of your love and fidelity
Before God you vowed
To love and honour me
All the days of your life
You made a promise to be true
In good times and in bad 
In sickness and in health
Whenever I feel upset
Unsure whether you love me
Whenever I experience hurt at your hands
Inadvertent yet excruciatingly clueless
I look at my finger and I know 
I hold your heart in my hands
An imperfect but sincere love
That alone is sufficient
You are all I need 
Through thick and thin
Today and for all eternity

You wear my ring on your finger
The one I put there
As a sign of my love and fidelity
It's a sacred vow I take seriously 
One I try best to honour every day
So forgive me when I fail 
To love you in the way 
You expect or need to be loved
When our pasts get in the way
Or good intentions fall short 
You hold my heart in your hands
Next to Jesus you are the One
Whom I choose to love completely
Today and all the days of my life
Even beyond where Paradise lies
Let us live each day in smiles
Committed to what matters most
Loving the nakedness we find
Forgiving the rest as darkness
That disappears in the Light

Sand and stone

Last Saturday A asked my husband how has marriage been and he responded emphatically it has been very tough. We all dissolved into laughter.

The lived reality of marriage does pose challenges for two separate entities coming together as one requires change. It can be tough, but that is not a bad thing altogether for I find it life-giving to know that someone loves me enough to want to work things through until blue skies appear again, and they will. For the best is yet to be.

When it storms, I know that the storm will eventually pass. I just have to ride out the battering winds and the fierce rains. When I am feeling most insecure and lost, ready to give up, here is where I must walk by faith, and not what I see through my myopic and distorted vision.

Father Anthony talked about what it means to walk by faith last Saturday. It requires a commitment to cut through the superficial, a lip service type of faith, and to truly act in love, driven by one's principles, not one's perceptions, which may be skewed and inaccurate.

It also requires openness, to go where the Lord leads even if it does not make immediate sense. What's more, there will always be valleys of darkness and tears to walk through, but we have to believe that 'the sun will come out tomorrow'. We have to trust in the impossible, and envision what others cannot see. The ability to trust supernaturally, with divine simplicity, helps us to cultivate the virtue of hope.

Thus when P and I bump heads, we both know that it's all part of the process, and all it requires is constant fine-tuning, without giving in to despair or pessimism. We should both trust that we both want the best for each other even when it may not seem that way frequently. And we must lean on God to help us see each other as He sees us, to gaze at each other with the clear, compassionate gaze of Jesus, seeing beyond our human limitations.

Knowing this, I am able to let go of any hurt or angst I feel that comes from the place of darkness within me, the place of inadequacy, unworthiness and crippling self-doubt. We can thus build our marriage from weakness to strength, brick by brick.

During sunset mass, Father Romeo used a story to illustrate how forgiveness should work - writing the bad in sand for impermanence, and the good in stone for posterity. I liked the tale and will adopt it in all my relationships, especially my marriage.

My best friend slapped me today.
I gasped in shock at the stinging pain
The brutality of his action.
Why did he slap me?
What did I do to deserve such unkindness, 
Such sudden and murderous violence?
I mourn; weeping bitter tears
Inconsolable and utterly broken.
Things can never be the same.
I write this down in the sand
Willing the Father to blow healing
Grains of forgiveness across the desert
Soothing away the indentations I made
Until true understanding erases
Every vestige of pain from my heart.
We tango to the rhythm of His heartbeat. 
In love. He makes all things new.
The future can only be better.

My best friend saved me today.
He pulled me out from the churning waters
Where I floundered, helpless and half dead,
Lungs on fire from futile efforts to stay alive.
Grab hold of my hand, stop struggling.
Trust me! I won't let you drown.
I am ever grateful, writing this on stone
Telling of his courage, his quiet heroism
Disregard for his personal safety
To lift me out of harm's way.
Now others can read and applaud,
From one generation to the next,
And be inspired by his everyday spirit
To glorify the One who first saved us,
Who walked in perfect harmony with the Father. 
As long as I live I want to remember
The act of valour without which I would not be here.
My best friend is my best man, much like Jesus.

Rising to the challenge

The Scripture from Matthew's Gospel, chapter five, verses thirty-eight to forty- eight, must be one of the most challenging to live out. How can we live out forgiveness in the way that Christ teaches us to? It is all not so easy. But that does not mean we do not try. Even if we fail trying, we cannot stop trying for as Christians, forgiveness should be our chief strength, and how we best resemble Him.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.
Really? They knew exactly what they were doing
They chose to go down that slippery road
The road they paved with asphalt lies and deceit!
A woolly blanket hiding a gravelled sea of greed
Tell me why I should give them my cloak as well
Having lost my tunic out of distracted grief?
Lord, tell me how to be perfect as you are
When I am met with betrayal and derision?
My hurt is cavernous and molten to touch
My soul half-dead, shafted by girders of injustice
I cannot be still, nor silent any longer.

Vengeance is mine, not yours to exact.
Release the yoke you have carried for so long
Use your anger to reclaim the lost coin
Teach the child who feeds voraciously
On his mother's arsenic-laced milk
But walk softly in redressing the wrongs
Glide always on the wings of prayer
Lest the sins of others besmirch you
Weighing you down in bitter, ashy dregs.
You are my hope, my light bearer in the darkness
Never forget your name: My delight is in her
Be always my perfect Daughter and Bride.

Double happiness

Way down deep inside my heart
I wished that one day I would find
Someone who loves me
just as much as He does
Who will hold me tenderly
Kiss away my fears
Wipe away my tears
Walk with me in darkest night
Till dawn illuminates infinity skies.
That one day came when I met you.

I was busy breathing life into dreams,
Working an alternative lifestyle and
Loving it! My wish discarded, forgotten.
He said it was time to play a duet
It is not good to be alone
For to grow in love
We must fit hand in glove
Our hearts cleaving as one to Him.
Divine Mercy marked the start, and
The wine flowed as it did at Cana.

We must have done something right
To now bid good-morrow* in this way:
True plain hearts, love so alike
Our gaze on Him, who made it possible.
As we walk in reverent silence
The lilies nod and smile
Such delight! It's been awhile_
All that remains is to festoon the vine
Be one in Him, in juicy fruitfulness
It promises to be a vintage year.

* Thanking John Donne for The Good-Morrow.

Go home

Little boy playing in the sandbox
Swimming in the ocean, tickling the fish
Go home to Daddy for he's waiting,
Waiting for you to embrace him, be as one.
You look just like him; although you never saw it.
His laughing, crinkly eyes and kind heart.
Your curious disposition circumventing the globe
Never resting your head in one place,
A search that led to seven summits
Woven between Komodo depths and ohana nights
Amidst organisms, pgymies and humpbacks.
The fight was long, yet filled with grace,
You gave your all, now it's time to stop running.
Go home. Be still. In warm aloha arms.

01.09.17

Matrimonial power

There is something quite miraculous about the Sacrament of Marriage. It carries me through my frustrations, hurts, and even despair so that I never doubt that both P and I are in this love together as the Al Jarreau song goes. I am constantly amazed at how I can rise above my baser inclinations, and be forgiving and loving when all I want to do is scream and spit out vituperative words that will cause permanent damage. Of course we are still in the honeymoon phase and it's early days yet. Just wait... you are starry eyed now... this won't last... all the cynics warn me.

I don't doubt that P and I will hit rough patches and be at odds in the future, but if he and I continue to respect each other's dignity and honour the Sacrament of Matrimony as God meant it to be, and we both consecrate ourselves regularly to Jesus, through Mary, I believe we will weather the worst storms and emerge more in love than ever, having tested the bonds of commitment, and found them both tensile and hardy. Yes, I am a romantic, and an idealist when it comes to love, and I happen to think that everyone should be the same, albeit with a wisely pondering heart like Mother Mary's.

Expect the best from your lover (without egoistically demanding the impossible) and give him or her your very best, your all. You only get back what you put out, so if you want everything, you must be willing to risk your heart, and that means sacrifice with a capital S. As I write this I know I don't do this naturally for my first instinct is to guard my heart, having been betrayed before, and having witnessed the selfish, perfidious nature of men around me. It takes reflection, talk time with Jesus, before I get it right.

Every time I whine at Him that I am not getting the love I want, He challenges me, have you really put out into the deep, given everything yourself? Have you been such a gift that your husband cannot help but love you more and therefore reciprocate in turn?

Or when I nitpick and fixate only on the negatives, He reminds me: what about all the wonderful things you have received, without even asking for them, all the perfect little gestures of love? Count your blessings and learn to see blessings even in the perceived negatives. They are present.

And when my world is raining hailstones, and I am bowed under, close to breaking point, He picks me out of the pit and holds me close to His heart where my fears are dispelled. For when I cry out to Him in desperation, at wits' end, He always comes through: He sends people who speak truth into my life, and as if by magic, my mood shifts instantly. I am humbled and suitably chastened every time I turn to the Counsellor with my woes. He has my back, and He has given me P to be His Bridegroom to my Bride.

As P and I reach a milestone today in our relationship and give thanks to the One who brought us together to be lifetime companions, I cannot help but be astounded at how the Lord is faithful and merciful to those who love Him. He certainly loves me, and P, very much.

There is power in the Sacrament of Matrimony, may P and I keep tapping on it to bring health and beauty to our marriage and each other, and bless others in the process.

My wish for all married couples who exchanged their vows in front of God is to keep turning to Jesus as role model, mediator, counsellor and good friend so that they can continue to sanctify each other, and invoke heaven here on earth as they lead each other, and others, toward heaven.

Desire for prosperity

It feels slightly strange to celebrate the Lunar New Year in a new home so the constant of the food tasting the same is very comforting to me. By replicating the tastes and smells of my childhood, I can bring alive memories of New Years past, and the presence of loved ones no longer here. So I still insist on cooking the dishes I grew up eating even though they require a lot of prep work and seem too much trouble at times.

LNY is the time of year that I miss my Father and Grandmother the most for the traditions of the season were most honoured by them, traditions that speak of family unity, filial piety and new beginnings. The Lunar New Year is about harmony, hope, rebirth, and second chances; it is about celebrating life. Although there was tremendous joy in gathering around the dining table with familiar faces of family and friends, together with P, to eat, drink, chat and laugh, there was a wistfulness, a sense of longing within me for things to stay the same, especially because my universe has changed so much and I am struggling to finding an inner equilibrium with the added roles I have taken on.

I also felt sad this year for the first day happened to fall on J's birthday. I remember taking him to lunch just last year, and now he is no longer with us. While I grieve the loss still, I managed to give thanks to God for having known and loved J for 48 wonderful years. They were blessed years filled with lots of shared laughter and tears, plus, I know we will meet again, so that is the promise I hold on to tightly.

The usual thing we wish people during this time of year is prosperity in the new year. I was reflecting on what prosperity means for me for I have learnt that true wealth lies in nurturing meaningful relationships and exercising my ability to help others. I do not want for anything, especially since in recent months my life has been enriched by a caring and sweet man.

I can only think to ask the Lord for great wealth in being poor in spirit this Lunar New Year, for a complete and sustained dependency on Him for everything is the only way I can be a good wife to P, a filial daughter to the Father, as well as a gift to family, friends and others, without losing my mojo, and my very own precious identity.