Holy Year

The one thing that emerges from 2016 is the need for sanctity. No matter what the vicissitudes or triumphs of life may be, my sanity and humility have maintained a fair balance only through the ability to turn to Jesus for counsel, comfort and thanksgiving.

Banal as it may sound, prayer works. I have experienced how prayer helps take the edge off soul-searing grief, gives one the inner voice of clarity and good sense in times of chaos and confusion, and heightens the pleasure of living in a God moment through the continuum of time.

By keeping my consciousness attuned to my Maker, I have been able to make choices that bear the mark of His wisdom and courage. Otherwise, I would have lacked the compassion to forgive those who have hurt me; I would have allowed grief to turn me into a coward who refuses to love with all my heart; and most of all, I would not have had the heart to enter into marriage.

I like this reflection I read from Laudate a couple of days back about the Presentation at the Temple where when Simeon blesses Mary and Joseph, he prophesies how Mary would suffer for the love of her child.

The reflection goes on to talk about the paradox for those blessed by the Lord. Mary was given the blessedness of being the mother of the Son of God. That blessedness also would become a sword which pierced her heart as her Son died upon the cross. She received both a crown of joy and a cross of sorrow. But her joy was not diminished by her sorrow because it was fueled by her faith, hope, and trust in God and his promises. Jesus promised his disciples that "no one will take your joy from you" (John 16:22). The Lord gives us a supernatural joy which enables us to bear any sorrow or pain and which neither life nor death can take away.  

I know I have been blessed very much, just as Mary was blessed. And my ability to continue to have faith, hope and trust in God's promises like she did, especially when the going is tough and life is bleak comes from trying to be holy, just as she was. While I cannot say I have been totally consistent all 365 days of 2016, I have definitely experienced the supernatural joy the writer talks about, even in sorrow. So whatever comes my way in 2017, I know I can face it and not be defeated.

My hope for the new year is that I will keep growing in holiness, and my wish for the world is that we will all walk in step with each other with clean hands and pure hearts. May we seek to be sanctified without becoming sanctimonious, and to be co-workers in the vineyard of the Lord. 

Mystery beauteous

The hardest part about marriage is leaving my mother behind. I always thought we would live together, even in the event of my ever getting married. Best laid plans of mice and women, sadly.

When my father passed away 13 years ago, it became my mission in life to see my mother happy and fulfilled in her remaining years on earth. Her marriage was not an easy one but she was the good wife to the end. She has always done the right thing in her life, and I wanted to do the right thing by her, bringing love and laughter into her life.

These past years have been such a blessing for me for living with my mother has brought me such joy. We are thick as thieves. And we share a common love of flora and fauna. Gardens bring us both much joy, and nothing like shared joy to create a deep bond. We've spent hours, over the years, visiting gardens near and far, enjoying their serene beauty.

But more than all that, no one else loves me unconditionally like she does. No one gets me like she does. No one cares for me as she does. She is my confidant, my biggest champion, my best friend - she is simply, my mother.

My friends always remark I am a good daughter. In truth, she makes it easy for me to be a good daughter for she is a good mother, undemanding, and accepting of all my weaknesses, loving me even when I am my ugliest.

As I journey home to Singapore tomorrow, it is with some measure of sadness I feel that I will return to a new home where she does not reside. And yet, I am also looking forward to spending my life with P.

The Nativity resonates with great poignancy for me this year. The emotions I feel must mirror what Mary and Joseph must have felt - joy at their son's arrival, but mixed in with the joy is also great discomfort at giving birth amidst livestock, far from home; fear, wondering what the future holds for this precious, new life; sadness, at such less than ideal circumstances of birth; and awe, at the choirs of angels singing, joined by the shepherds who came to pay homage.

Perhaps the stained glass windows in Saint Mary's Cathedral in Yangon say it all, life is a series of mysteries where joy, sorrow, glory and luminosity, light and shadow, interplay. I can only be as open as Mary was, and allow Her son the space and time to let each mystery unfold, living in each moment as it comes my way, appreciating its beauty even if I do not quite understand it at all.  

The first 12 days

If someone were to say to me you are going to experience the most upheavals in your life this year I would not have believed them. Before April, my life was on an even keel. I had experienced reconciliation in a long estranged relationship and I was involved in so many ministries and projects that fulfilled me - life was busy good.

Then I met P. The next day, J died suddenly. I was beside myself. Completely blindsided by loss. As the weeks went by, there was a new call in my life which added confusion to the mix. A whole new world of possibilities opened up which amped up the stress levels tremendously for discerning and saying yes to marriage was a biggy, not made easier by well meaning friends who thought I was going soft in the head.

Opposition came from all directions for both P and myself for people could not understand how we could know what we both wanted in such a short time, and it was not easy to explain the clarity that came from clinging to Jesus. I highly recommend daily mass as a great way to date, incidentally. And to know whether marriage is on the cards, constant prayer and fasting, with time spent in the adoration room is an excellent way to foretell the future.

Come June, E fell very sick. My world came crashing in a second time. I told P if I were to lose another cousin so soon I would go crazy. Next, C got really sick as well, just weeks before the wedding. So much pain and sorrow amidst the joy. Is it any wonder I have finally begun to gray, due in no small part to my emotional state and the inability to get sufficient sleep?

So how would I term this year? I would say it was more than perfect. It was perfect because I was given so many opportunities to share love and life, and I, consequently, was able to enlarge my heart. Like Hannah who received a desperately longed-for son, only to give him back to God, she found that in the generosity of her actions, she received even more from God. By giving back to God in ways I initially was resistant to, I have found that I now have the capacity to give even more, far beyond my own comprehension and natural ability. When the Lord is ever generous, one cannot help but want to reciprocate.

Because I told Jesus I wanted to walk closer with Him, He honoured my desire by giving me P as a husband. Walking closely with Jesus in my courtship days with P has changed me. I have grown not only stronger, more faith-filled and confident, but also gentler and softer. I have learned to rely more on the Holy Spirit, and to model myself more on Mother Mary these last months.

Starting my married life by consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary has pushed the envelope beyond perfection. There have been little changes already, and I hope that they will continue so that I can be more of all the good things I wish to be, aligning my will even more closely to His.

As for marriage, although 12 days is a short time to go by (and P and I are still on our honeymoon), I would say I am confident we will have many good days ahead of us, because we both find our source of life in Jesus.

I do not take for granted what I have been given. I know I am extremely blessed with P, and I believe these first 12 days are but a foretaste of more delights and joys, even amidst future struggles and challenges. I am grateful for this incredible Extraordinary Year of Mercy, and I await the birth of baby Jesus with great anticipation.

O Emmanuel, our king and our lawgiver,
the hope of the nations and their Saviour:
Come and save us, O Lord our God.

Wedding bliss

If someone were to ask me what was the highlight of my wedding, it would be that the day was a gathering place for family and friends, filled with great rejoicing and a strong sense of community.

I have never felt so loved than during the last month leading up to my wedding day. The affirmation I have received from quarters near and far enable me to see myself through the eyes of many and what I see gives me hope, that I have been able to live out my aspirations of being a good Christian woman.

The woman is Isaiah 62 is me. I am special. I am favoured. Just as I have loved, I am loved greatly in return. The blessings were plentiful. The messages of love and well wishes were gratifying. All this came to the fore as I walked down the aisle and saw all the smiling faces of people whom I loved, that had come to share my joy with me, and finally to see P's smile as he looked at me at the altar.

Although the week leading up to the wedding was a little manic, I was able to enjoy it by meeting up with friends who have flown in specially for the wedding. It was just lovely to sit and hold long conversations with people whom I have not seen in years, some as long as over a decade. Connecting with friends, catching up on our lives, luxuriating in the threads of love and empathy that bind us, it was simply awesome.

P and I were truly appreciative that the church was filled with so many well wishers, and that all our guests had a great time, during mass, and afterwards at lunch. Even our photographer commented that he had never seen such a huge group of people, about 300, gel so well that the occasion never lost a sense of intimacy and camaraderie usually seen in a smaller setting. What amazed P was the many connections between the two circles we brought together. Our lives intersected in ways we never knew and only came to light on our wedding day. Even during the dinner when our respective families got together, it was like a reunion dinner of one big happy family, and nobody wanted to go home. We all had a blast!

The wedding mass itself was singular for many of my ICPE family members were present, and had a hand in making the liturgy so beautiful, through the music, and dance. I am grateful that Anna and Mario Capello were present; so blessed that Angie from Rome, Joan from the Philippines, and my local community, plus little Isaac, all contributed in some way to make the Sacrament of Matrimony one that touched multiple hearts, bringing the Spirit of love so palpably alive in the nuptial celebration.

Marriage, as God conceived it, is forever. Receiving the graces of God's Spirit will definitely help P and I keep the extravagant joy of the wedding at Cana present in our day to day interactions. My prayer for our future is that we will continue to grow in love and learn how to be for the other what the other most needs, be it affirmation, solace, comfort, joy, safe harbour, integrity, goodness or mercy. May P and I sanctify each other, and bring each other to heaven.

B wished me yesterday as she reminded me that P and I were one week into the marriage, and I shared with her that it was indeed grace to be loved and cherished by a good husband. I finally understand what it was that my father wished for me all those years ago before he passed on, and I look forward to living out a nuptial spirituality with P that will transform not just our lives, but the lives of those near and dear to us. 

Honeymoon

A covenant before God
To love and honour
All the days of our lives
As man and wife
In good times and in bad
In sickness and in health.
I was never more sure
Or happy to say a forever yes
In Your presence where
Heaven and earth become one.
As we move towards freedom
Join in nuptial union
Sweeter than honey
Headier than wine
I can only be glad we waited
For the sacred space where
He lives in our love.
May our days be spent
In naked communion 
Hearts aligned to the One
Who made it all possible.

Tapping on the 12

The number 12 is a very special number biblically. It is considered a perfect number, symbolizing God's power and authority, serving as perfect governmental foundation as can be seen by the 12 tribes of Israel, the 12 apostles. Twelve symbolizes completion.

The reason why P and I got married on the 12th is for a simpler reason, 12 December is a Marian feast day - it is the feast day of our Lady of Guadalupe. Given the circumstances under how we met, and how the courtship was supported throughout by our Mother's loving intercession, it seemed a foregone conclusion. That P happened to be on leave, my elder brother home for a break, and B, P's elder sister, having returned from attending a wedding in Melbourne, all dovetailed nicely, making the 12th a natural best choice.

On the eve of my wedding, B offered yet another revelation on why 12 was such a powerful number. She shared the story of how as Joshua led the people of Israel into the Promised Land by way of the River Jordan, they laid 12 stones on the side of the river bank as a memorial to God. So even as they left their old way of life behind and entered the new land, they were charged to remember all that God had done for them.

E asked me what were the 12 stones that I lay down as a memorial, a tribute to God, just as the Israelites did. Now that I have some time to reflect, my 12 stones which span, in particular, the last 13 years of my life, and will form the bedrock of my marriage with P, in no particular order, are:

Stone 1 is faith. The faith given to me by my father and my mother in baptism and how they each sought to live out that faith in their lives, first as children and siblings, then as spouses and parents. Faith gave my father integrity, courage, generosity and fortitude, while faith gave my mother openness, patience, gentleness and obedience. I can do no better than bring all these qualities of faith into my marriage with P.

Stone 2 is dying to self. In choosing to love God, and to love others just as Jesus did, I have had to die to self in so many ways over this last decade in a deeper and more profound way, once I gave my fiat. Self-preservation is a natural instinct, so I have had to fight my own selfish disposition all this time. Hence the need to ask the Lord, daily, to show me how to love, and to do a consciousness examen, so as to build self-awareness. Meeting Jesus in the moments of life help me make the choice to die to self much more easily - again a requisite for  a good marriage.

Stone 3 is the ability to let go. Being sentimental and stubborn make it very difficult for me to let go of thoughts, ideas, loves, possessions and people. I have, however, learned to do this in substantial and radical ways, and I am again called to do so as I enter my new state of life. It can be painful and I now completely get why Scripture asks for me to leave my mother and father behind and cleave to my husband. Michel Sardou's song Je Vole has been echoing in my head these last months as I finally fly the coop. Flying requires leaving, and leaving requires letting go. To be with P means to let go of my past.

Stone 4 is engagement. To be like Christ means to be fully engaged in the world, with every person I meet. It's not about sitting on the sidelines, refusing to dirty my hands or risk my heart. It's about hearing the silent cries for help, and answering them; going the distance in serving others even when one is disinclined to get involved. It's all about loving others, even as I experience the love of God in my life, paying it forward. Marriage now calls for me to be engaged in P's life, and in our life together as a couple.

Stone 5 is discerning the will of God. I decided some 13 yeas ago that the only way to live meaningfully and purposefully was to do whatever He tells me. I needed to learn how to listen to Jesus, not just by learning the law but by inscribing it onto my heart. Aligning my will to God's will gives me the ability to know how I should be living my life every day. The need for careful discernment has been extra rigorous these last months of courtship for the vocation of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Moving forward, I will need to be just as discerning in marriage.

Stone 6 is prayer. Nothing works without the element of prayer. Nothing. Prayer alone is what can make a infinitesimal but significant difference. Prayer not only effects miracles, but it gives new heart, and a whole new attitude. Doing the 33 day self-retreat of Marian consecration with P just before marriage has reaped such amazing graces that I can only repeat most emphatically, prayer works. Something I should never, ever, forget.

Stone 7 is hope. When my world implodes on itself, and I am devastated with grief or loss, hope is, as Emily Dickinson puts it, the thing with feathers that sings a tune in the fiercest storm. Hope keeps dreams alive, and hope has seen me through the worst travails of life. I know I can always hope in the Lord, for He has never failed to make a path for me to walk on when I hit a dead end. I have seen His hand working in my life and I know He will continue do the same in my future.

Stone 8 is trust. Hope and trust are close cousins for when one has trust, one displays a hopeful heart. Trust also means using one's judgement, sharpened through prayer, to make the right decision, especially in confusing and challenging times. I have found that trusting the Lord calls for practice, and that trust becomes easier as one's faith level grows. I liken my ability to trust to Peter's, very uneven. That is why Mother Mary is my model for she trusts even when she does not understand fully. I still have much to learn from her.

Stone 9 is mercy. It's very easy to bear grudges and hold onto to anger. But this is how I choose unhappiness. I have found it judicious to forgive, for anger and bitterness both curdle my insides, which is not good for my health, spiritually or otherwise. Forgiving is a good place to be and allows me to be merciful, first to myself, then to others.

Stone 10 is living out fully my baptismal office of priest, prophet and king. To reject evil and indifference, and to worship, witness and serve. I am called to evangelize through my life - my thoughts, my words, my deeds and my actions - and to make known the joys and wonders of following my Lord and Saviour, who died so that I am have eternal life.

Stone 11 is gratitude. Being grateful allows me to see the goodness of God in every circumstance, as well as to appreciate the beauty of life as I go about my day. Gratitude is the salt that enhances daily living, and brings joy, light and laughter. Gratitude helps me to be a better person, and a more cheerful one as well.

Stone 12 is love, the be all and end all of my existence. All the good things that love is in 1 Corinthians 13 is what I have desired all these years: patience, kindness, humility, generosity, selflessness and graciousness... I look to growing in love as P and I honour our matrimonial vows in the days and years to come. As Father Arro encouraged us during our nuptial mass, we need to love extravagantly, and with great exuberance. Just as the best wine was served at Cana, our marriage can be that miracle of water turned into wine if we both do whatever Jesus says, so that all may enjoy.

The power of 12 is perfection, completion. All P and I have to do is to keep tapping into the 12, and we will be more than fine.