Waiting on God's time

Just 10 days into the new year, a relationship which I value greatly, that has been on ice for years inexplicably thawed out. I was amazed (still am), and it has been delightful to have the old B back after more than a decade. I have missed him sorely.

To this day I am mostly unclear as to how it descended to such depths of animosity given the previously close bond we enjoyed, but there you have it, human egos and sensibilities are fragile. We hurt easily and we hurt each other just as easily. We erupt into anger without any good reason at times other than pride, and we take ages to forgive and forget. We cling on to our points of view with fanatical fervour, forsaking good sense and compassion.

While I have never stopped loving B all this time, and I have always tried to take the high moral ground, to be mature and forgiving, it has not been easy. Try hugging a hedgehog, it is infinitely less painful. I have ping-ponged from bewildered hurt to searing anger, to righteous indignation, to inconsolable sorrow, to hardened indifference, and to calm resignation and back through the years.

At the same time, this estrangement has helped me become stronger, gentler, and more reflective as a person. I questioned myself, my intentions and my behaviour frequently. Am I really that bad? While at the time I felt helpless and unable to fix this particular relationship despite my desire for reconciliation, I refused to give in to bitterness or hopelessness. Instead, I worked on other relationships in my life even as I kept asking for the grace to be loving towards B regardless of his behaviour toward me. I also committed our relationship to the Lord for His healing then I waited, and waited. And waited.

Last week I met with my SD and we were talking about this jubilee year and what does mercy imply. He said we are called to be farmers for farmers have to work hard every day and wait for the right time to reap the harvest. They have to be able to read the signs. He added into the mix the parable of the darnel and the wheat (Matthew 13:24-30). Sometimes we have to allow the darnel, the weeds in our lives to keep growing among the wheat, and to deal with it only at harvest time. If we are impatient and insist on weeding, then we may damage the whole crop. Thus to be a spiritual farmer requires patience and wisdom to accompany others even when they may not fully appreciate our presence, or are still ensnared within the weeds of sin. It is tiring and thankless work and we must be prepared to go the distance even when faced with repeated setbacks and failures.

When he shared this aspect of mercy with me I could relate for I have had to continuously weed out my own animosity and despair over the years even as I let the situation play out as it will. I have had to keep fertilizing our encounters with generosity, compassion and forgiving love (even when I felt like throttling him). On my own strength I would have given up a long time ago and walked away in disgust. Therefore the current situation is due to the Almighty and Him alone. Leaning on His grace, and His timing, was sufficient for me.

When I look back on all the difficult moments I am awed by the goodness of God, the goodness that has kept me joyous, hopeful, faithful, wise and strong. I am grateful for the incidental fruit that were born of this fractured relationship for my persistence blessed other relationships inadvertently.

Today I give thanks to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and to His mother and the entire community of saints, heavenly and earthly, who have prayed alongside with me through the years. God is truly good all the time.

Keeping the joy alive

The year began with many people I know and love, who are experiencing tough times. Some are truly undergoing real doozies, while others are experiencing garden variety problems (at times self-inflicted) that while unpleasant and do inconvenience life, are not what I call cataclysmic.

The irony of it all is that the people who are going through genuinely challenging times have gritted their teeth and are soldiering on cheerfully. Their problems do not define them nor do they let adversity diminish their joie de vivre. It is those who are undergoing the blips who are completely engulfed by their difficulties and totally bent out of shape. They are stressed out, hair-trigger snippy and kinda zap all the fun out of life.

I have to admit I have less patience with the latter and it takes a whole lot more energy from me to be present and sympathetic. At the same time I do realize that their emotional distress is real and I do try to lend a listening ear even if inside I am marvelling at how the depth of distress does not, at all, match the severity of the issue.

They make me reflect on myself. Am I like that? Whining and complaining that life is terrible, so stressed out that people around me find it difficult to be around me? Am I an energy vampire? I agree, it is hard not to take life personally, that is, to think that I am the only person in the world experiencing my problems, poor me, why is it only me, so I truly thank God that my level of faith helps me get a handle on things.

When life threatens to overwhelm me I pray. Somehow the ability to admit I am not in control and to ask for divine help calms me and enables me to look at things differently. My circumstances may not change, although there are times miracles do manifest and what I thought impossible happens, but what's more important is that internally I am given the grace of wisdom and fortitude to chill, reflect and then know what I can do in order to move forward, be it a change in thinking or behaviour.

Prayer, connecting with God, liberates me and I am able to divorce myself from the situation so that I can still experience joy and gratitude in any given day no matter how "bad" it was. I am also given perspective. While my situation may not be ideal, it is nowhere near the plight of those who have to worry about their next meal, or who are maimed and severely handicapped for life (I recently met someone who was slashed by her stalker and reduced to permanent breathing and walking difficulties as well as constant physical pain).

I can draw on faith, a deep-seated conviction of a love, God's love for me and the world, that conquers all. Christ's self-sacrificial love has already won me the redemption of eternal life so that no matter what happens in my life I know I am protected, cherished and never alone (nothing and no one can separate me from the love of Christ). I am also empowered by my baptism to overcome obstacles and calamities that come my way, turning them into opportunities to re-invent myself and find new life.

Today is the feast of the Baptism of the Lord and as Archbishop Francesco Follo reminds us: the feast of the Baptism of Jesus will be for us not only a moment when we get to listen to his Gospel with joy, but also an invitation to be witnesses of Christ with a life lived in joy, because in the Son we are loved and forgiven children.

We are encouraged to remember we are consecrated by virtue of baptism meaning: We are all called to offer ourselves to the Father with Jesus and like Jesus, making a generous gift of our lives, in the family, at work, in the service of the Church, in works of mercy.

I can only hope that through the ups and downs of my life, in living out my Christian identity given to me through baptism, the Holy Spirit will be alive within me so much that the Father say, "You are my daughter, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased" (Luke 3:22).

Follow the star

For me, the magic of Christmas is in the readings and the carols we sing during this season, not the gifts or the merry feasting. There is much beauty in the story of a king born in extremely humble circumstances, without fanfare, and first worshipped by poor shepherds who were informed by jubilant angels. Here is a king who loves the poor and the marginalized, who favours the least among us. I do not have to worry that He will spurn my love or find me unworthy of loving. He accepts me just as I am, in my poverty of self doubt, crippling fears and sinful ways.

Then there is the story of Epiphany (Sunday past): how star-led Magi find this tiny baby king and how they paid homage with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. And so the birth of Jesus, God's promise of love for the whole world is revealed. The Magi inspire me to keep my eye on the star, the light that will lead me to Christ, and to pay proper obeisance to a ruler who will lay down his life for me.

I like this reflection by Archbishop Francesco Follo:

At Epiphany, the Savior continues to be a light for the peoples of every time and every place. To the Magi, coming from the East to worship him, the light of the newborn king takes the form of a star in the sky, so bright to attract their attention and guide them first ,to Jerusalem  then from the royal palace of Herod to new Royal Palace: the cave-stable in Bethlehem.

Everything around him looks like an extremely poor earthly reality. But those watching with eyes of faith, thanks to a bright sign, can see the King of kings. What is this royal sign by which the Magi then and we now can recognize the King of kings in the Son of Mary, in the humble condition of the child who lives in a poor stable? It is the Star that shows the way and the place where to meet the King who saves.

This star shows the way to these seekers of Infinity, because they look at the sky and try to well interpret the signs. The Magi are people who wonder about reality, not being satisfied with the response of others. They seek a deeper understanding of reality and of the meaning of life.

This extraordinary star, that could be called "theological" because it "speaks of God” and “teaches about God", after leading the Magi from the East all the way to Bethlehem, Indicates and teaches that this Child is the Son the Most High God, the Prince of Peace.

If, like the Magi, I seek to comprehend what life is asking of me,and I am attentive to the Spirit's prompting, then I will be able to see the star, and, by faith, to follow the star to Jesus.

The Magi prostrate themselves to the authority of love. They believe in this infinite love contained in the infant Jesus.

In front of this baby, recognized as the awaited Messianic King, the Magi prostrate themselves in a sincere act of worship and then offer some symbolic gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh. These gifts offered to the Messiah "symbolized true worship" (see Saint John Paul II). They are gifts that express a faith established by the encounter with Jesus, who is King to be honored with gold, God to be worshiped with incense and a prayer that rises to Him like the most pleasing incense, and the Man, Son of God, who died for our salvation.

Like the Magi, today we are invited to renew, before the Incarnate Word, our act of faithful adherence by offering not only the little or the lot that we have, but ourselves as a sacrifice holy and well-accepted to Him. It is thanks to this daily offering of self that we become, in the world and for the world, signs of the new humanity redeemed by Christ and witnesses of the mystery of love celebrated at Christmas.

Like the Magi, let us be amazed by the love of God that comes to us, and let’s kneel in front of the Incarnate Word, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives among us and in the Eucharist. Let’s go to church more often, let’s sit by the altar and humbly imitate the Holy Magi, offering the gold of our love for God and our brothers and sisters, the incense of our praise and our prayer, and the myrrh of the suffering that never fails in our lives.

What a beautiful description of faith we are invited to put into action, to submit completely to the authority of love and to donate ourselves totally to God. Some may struggle with what sounds like submission to a way of life that requires great sacrifice. But Archbishop Follo writes so aptly:

....the gift of self to God is not a renounce to live, but “it is a renounce to what are the limits of a living like a poor and infirm creature to live the fullness of a life immense as the divine life "(Divo Barsotti, January 6, 1963).

Giving ourselves to God is not submissive act made by people who are weak-minded or who refuse to think for themselves, rather it is an act of humble wisdom that sees beyond the superficial, and of stouthearted courage to adopt a new and radical way of living. It is saying yes, again and again, to the way of God, of peace, love and mercy even in the face of hostile aggression and hatred.

The year ahead promises to be a busy and challenging one for there are many things I would like to see happen. The only way I can bring my hopes and dreams to fruition is if I keep following the star to look for Jesus even when I am uncertain, and when I do find Him, to sit and enjoy, then act on the epiphanies that come from adoring the King of Kings.