E asked me how I felt yesterday, it being my birthday,
and I was not able to give an answer. Post-exam exhaustion (thanks once again
to all who have supported me through this period, the written exam went well, I
think), plus a head cold, have left me feeling muddled and depleted.
Today I came up with an answer: Empty. While I am happy to have accomplished what I set out to these past 12 months, culminating in my exams, I feel empty, almost as if I have lost purpose in life. Yet I know this to be inaccurate for I know where I am heading and I already see new doors opening.
Perhaps it's just being in the liminal space, on the cusp of something new, which causes me to feel this way. There is the next mountain to conquer... so take a deep breath and start climbing.
Emptiness is not necessarily a bad thing, not unlike fear, for good or bad depends solely on our response.
Apart from my acute fear of failing, I have enjoyed this period of intense industry. I felt inspired and intellectually invigorated. I could cook and eat healthily (which always makes me feel good), and I got to spend more time with my mother who invariably makes me laugh. Studying hard was a novel and strangely edifying experience as well.
The word jubilee denotes celebration, a time of freedom and rest. Yesterday marked the official start of my “jubilee” year for I have a strong sense that the 12 months before me will be a very special time for me.
E advised that I take some time to bask in the glow of recently fulfilled desires, to sit and smell the fragrance of the good fruit I have produced, to taste and see that the Lord has been good to me. Thus empty is a suitable starting point: to rest in the emptiness and let the Lord fill me.
Gratitude, joy, inner peace, contentment, there are only accessible if I contemplate the moments, epiphanies and rhythms of my life. My ability to know what I should do this year hinges on the time I spend at the feet of Jesus, pondering in my heart, like Mother Mary, the mysteries in my life that are yet to unfold.
I know this to be true for having made a concerted effort to pray regularly these last few weeks has indeed given me strength and a rare grace under fire. What has sustained me most this difficult period was praying Saint Ignatius’s Suscipe daily, which is a prayer of kenosis, a self-emptying of one’s own will.
So emptiness could well be the best birthday present I receive this year.
Today I came up with an answer: Empty. While I am happy to have accomplished what I set out to these past 12 months, culminating in my exams, I feel empty, almost as if I have lost purpose in life. Yet I know this to be inaccurate for I know where I am heading and I already see new doors opening.
Perhaps it's just being in the liminal space, on the cusp of something new, which causes me to feel this way. There is the next mountain to conquer... so take a deep breath and start climbing.
Emptiness is not necessarily a bad thing, not unlike fear, for good or bad depends solely on our response.
Apart from my acute fear of failing, I have enjoyed this period of intense industry. I felt inspired and intellectually invigorated. I could cook and eat healthily (which always makes me feel good), and I got to spend more time with my mother who invariably makes me laugh. Studying hard was a novel and strangely edifying experience as well.
The word jubilee denotes celebration, a time of freedom and rest. Yesterday marked the official start of my “jubilee” year for I have a strong sense that the 12 months before me will be a very special time for me.
E advised that I take some time to bask in the glow of recently fulfilled desires, to sit and smell the fragrance of the good fruit I have produced, to taste and see that the Lord has been good to me. Thus empty is a suitable starting point: to rest in the emptiness and let the Lord fill me.
Gratitude, joy, inner peace, contentment, there are only accessible if I contemplate the moments, epiphanies and rhythms of my life. My ability to know what I should do this year hinges on the time I spend at the feet of Jesus, pondering in my heart, like Mother Mary, the mysteries in my life that are yet to unfold.
I know this to be true for having made a concerted effort to pray regularly these last few weeks has indeed given me strength and a rare grace under fire. What has sustained me most this difficult period was praying Saint Ignatius’s Suscipe daily, which is a prayer of kenosis, a self-emptying of one’s own will.
So emptiness could well be the best birthday present I receive this year.
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