Battling our demons

Knuckling down to study for my exam (yes, this time I am finally going to take it having set an exam date of June 20) has been an uphill battle.

First excuse (a valid one) was work, and the inability to find the time and energy to hit the books. Then I was just unable to focus, being easily distracted, under the weather... I grew increasingly frustrated with myself and was beginning to feel the weight of the looming exam date.

So I began praying in earnest, and specifically, for diligence, focus and perseverance. Knowing my weaknesses, and knowing that I cannot do it alone has been key. In asking for help through prayer, I have been able to surmount the road blocks of sloth and lack of time (my schedule has magically cleared). Prayer has become my secret weapon in my exam prep.

Now, why, you may ask, did I not begin sooner? I guess I thought I could do it on my own. For I thought that an awareness of my weaknesses/bad habits was sufficient to fight against them. I have to admit I also thought it kinda lame to ask God for help in studying, like some wimpy kid.

Ah yes, we have hit upon my personal demons, the ones that tell me I am worthless, not worthy of being loved (or helped) and just not good enough for anything. I can never be perfect, being so unremarkably mediocre, so why try? They just floor me and leave me snivelling in the dust, too defeated to get up and try again. I go into a foetal freeze and stay there.

As I told E earlier this week, words I should seriously consider myself, God does not require us to be perfect, we just have to be sincere (a humble, contrite heart you will not spurn) and try our best. And that is perfection enough for God, for His power is made perfect in our weakness.

If we stumble and fall, that is all par for the course. Thomas Edison rightly said, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." Thus we should simply get up and start walking forward.

I came across another great quote, by Robert Louis Stevenson:

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

We are so conditioned to measure success in real, material terms, that when tangible results are lacking, we think we have failed, and we give up, abandoning course. We forget that success in God's eyes requires just one thing: it requires heart. Purity of heart. Veracity of heart.

Today's reading from Romans, chapter five, says it all for me:

"...we can boast about our sufferings. These sufferings bring patience, as we know, and patience brings perseverance, and perseverance brings hope, and this hope is not deceptive, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit which has been given us."

What we find lacking in ourselves, what we most seek in life can be found in God's love - this is the truth of our Trinitarian God*. Out of love, He gave us His Son, and the Holy Spirit. So with the help of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit, all demons can be vanquished.

Pray for help. And as A, a bold prayer warrior, would advise, be specific. Now back to studying.

* Today we celebrate the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity.

Pentecostal leanings

If someone were to ask me how do I know for sure that God exists, I would say I know God exists not just because I feel it in my bones, but because of this living relationship I have with His Advocate, the Holy Spirit.

This gift of faith is not merely a gift I received in Baptism because my parents loved me enough to want me to be a child of God; it is also a gift I have chosen to unwrap and utilize, thereby growing it with each passing day.

I do this by living in God's presence with heart, mind and spirit constantly, by being obedient to the movement of His Spirit who lives within me.

Obedience is tough for once we reach adulthood, we prize independence to the fatal exclusion of humility and receptivity. We fail to realize that true independence comes from knowing and doing the Father's will.

Odd as that may sound, when we decide to do things His way, we are freed from our fears, shortcomings and dysfunctions for we operate from a place that is actually most true to ourselves and has the greatest integrity. It is also the seat of our deepest desire and where the Holy Spirit reigns. 

Through the Spirit, we are given the wisdom to know what is right, the courage, compassion and generosity to do what is right and the fortitude to see our actions through, despite failure, discouragement and even persecution.

Such strong alignment with God's Spirit requires a careful cultivation of a relationship not unlike that of a spouse or a BFF. I am glad that in spite of my woefully minimal prayer life currently, I can claim a fairly decent relationship still.  

This Pentecost has been an extra special one, for apart from celebrating the birthday of the Church, I rejoiced in how central a figure the Holy Spirit has been in my life and consequently, how much I am loving my life and what I do for I truly feel I am precisely where I should be, following His lead.

I asked for a renewal of my spiritual gifts, as well as a couple of new ones (A reminded me to ask for the spiritual gifts I sought the night before), and I felt that I would be granted what I had asked for. 

As we* gathered for a luncheon celebration and to pray for each other this Pentecost, the Spirit spoke strongly to each of us, giving us an indication of what lies in store for each of us. It was a wonderful afternoon of feasting and sharing lives.     

The cherry on the cake were the multiple celebrations yesterday: Singapore's new Archbishop Monsignor William Goh, the 10th anniversary of ICPE Mission Singapore and the 11th anniversary of ICPE Mission's Pontifical Recognition. Plus today, we celebrate the arrival of C and M's gorgeous baby girl, Anna, who is a child that has been "set aside for God".

As we move back into Ordinary Time, let us not forget our Pentecostal beginnings and pay homage to it every day. Live life in the Spirit.

* Friends of ICPE Mission Singapore, Institute for World Evangelisation. We are a group of Catholics who are journeying to become a community of Companions, lay missionaries who are doing God's work wherever we are situated in life. 

God

This was a writing exercise we did last Friday:

What would I say to someone I love, who doesn't know God the way I do? How would I share my faith? What would I say to make this person understand the depth and breadth of my love for Christ and why I follow him? Words are insufficient to describe the ineffability, mystery and majesty of God. Yet, words are all I have.

He is the reason my life is decadently rich

For he makes me roll with laughter,

Sigh softly in wonder and purr with contentment.

With him, life is a journey of unplanned surprises,

Sometimes scary, even fiendishly difficult,

But no one said believing would be a breeze,

Or how incredibly awesome it can be.

If they did, I would not have listened anyway.

 

I am a child again when he winks at me,

Vibrating with excitement and glee.

We ride the surf and swoop like eagles

In azure skies lit with sunbeams gold.

In his arms I feel beautiful, good and strong,

I can even change the world: create an Eden

Humming with new life and fecund hope,

Where no one is ever hungry, lonely or afraid.

 

He's my best friend, my mentor, my paladin.

That rare mix of tender parent and consummate lover.

Call me blessed among women for I am that,

As that pearl of love is forever mine.

Its luminous glow untouched by time or circumstance,

Anointed as it was with sacrificial blood.

Together we traipse, hearts and minds in union,

He is my Lord and my God, most beloved.

The write stuff

The W2W Ministry is covering spiritual gifts this Easter season and we talked about spiritual writing last Friday.

Writing, be it prose, poetry or songs, can be a spiritual practice, especially when we do it to praise and glorify the one who endowed us with this facility for written language in the first place. 

We just have to look at the Bible as an example of the written word that is profound, beautiful, inspiring, challenging and most of all, an intimate love story of humanity's relationship with God.

Although the Bible, a collection of 73 books, was written by a number of writers through various ages for different  communities, they were all inspired by the Divine. The Bible therefore is considered the Word of God.

Taking inspiration from the Divine, we can, likewise, write our own psalms, laments, letters and songs. We can write to communicate to others just who is God in our, and their, lives, and in sharing our inner thoughts, we may perhaps touch others and become instruments that transform lives.

So not all of us are called to be writers. And yet, we can each still write. If we are serious about growing in our faith journey, then keeping a spiritual journal will allow us to see more clearly how God is working in our life, what are our desires, named and yet to be discovered, and whether we are staying true to our values. Spiritual journalling can also help us map our personal growth and reveal to us our weaknesses and fears.

My journal is my place of refuge, where I can be truly myself in front of God. When I write, I can pour out my woes, my shame and my gratitude to Him. My journal becomes my voice of truth to myself just as it is my messy, sometimes incoherent but heartfelt love letter to God.

While there is no right way to journal, I like to use the readings of the day as my starting point in my reflection time and see how Scripture speaks to me in a personal way on any given day.

Faith is not just theology, doctrine or principles that guide one's life, faith is first and foremost, an intimate relationship with God, God who is living and who engages with us all the time.

Journalling through Scripture, I get to dialogue with God even as I get to know Him and His ways more and more. It also prevents my journalling from becoming one long, boring monologue.

One other way I like to journal is to write down all the things I am grateful (and not so grateful) for in a day as it allows me to see the miracles of the day and where God was actually standing by my side. Plus this also helps me stay grateful and practise the art of gratitude.

When I feel moody or down, I use the Feel it, Own it and Express it to see why I am feeling a particular way and to dig a little deeper to see what could be the underlying cause so that I have a better understanding of myself as I take it into prayer. It sure beats psychoanalysis.

How often should one journal? If not every day, then at least once a week, although, I find that a week is too long to remember everything that has happened to me.

Journals are like Pensieves in Harry Potter's world, where we can review our memories and thus be able to "spot patterns and links". If we do not write down our epiphanies, our moments, we lose the ability to review them and thus lose the opportunity to mine the past to enrich our present and future.

Mostly, we lose the chance to know how good God has been to us as the memory fades and the moment gets forgotten. So if you do not want to forget it, write it down.

Body good

I have been abusing my body with insufficient sleep and a general lack of care due to work and pure indulgence, and it has been biting back. Seriously.
 
Here I was, wondering how a friend could be pre-diabetic and not take full and immediate action to reverse this potentially serious condition when she still could, when I was equally guilty of gross neglect.
 
What is it that drives people to feed our bodies with junk, treat our bodies shabbily with no exercise and very little sleep, then pump our bodies with loads of chemicals to relieve us of the symptoms that actually tell us all is not well within?
 
Convenience and stress are the twin evils of modern living. We often take the path of least resistance to obtaining "good" health it by popping pills.
 
We go on fad diets to lose weight and we are content to lose the mobility of our limbs as long as we look good - who cares how we feel inside?
 
Even pain does not motivate a change for there is always a pill to handle the pain.
 
Fortunately, vanity and an abhorrence of medication are my aides. Hence, I have begun to be more selective with what I put in my body. I even sleep earlier and I have begun to exercise regularly.
 
It is not as if taking care of my health is rocket science, but finding the willpower to do the necessary is often the biggest obstacle. It took feeling like a 102 before I decided to be more responsible for me and my body.
 

In the Catechism of the Catholic Church, it states: 

The human body shares in the dignity of "the image of God": it is a human body precisely because it is animated by a spiritual soul, and it is the whole human person that is intended to become, in the body of Christ, a temple of the Spirit.

Man, though made of body and soul, is a unity. Through his very bodily condition he sums up in himself the elements of the material world. Through him they are thus brought to their highest perfection and can raise their voice in praise freely given to the Creator. For this reason man may not despise his bodily life. Rather he is obliged to regard his body as good and to hold it in honor since God has created it and will raise it up on the last day.

My body and my soul are one, inseparable. If I wish to praise and reverence God to the best of my ability, then I am obliged to honour my body and keep it in the pink of health.

 

Time to stretch and get ready for bed.