I was, not long ago, party to an exchange of email where there were a series of miscommunication errors and it was threatening to escalate to a point of no return.
I had every justification to feel aggrieved (so I say) and get nasty but I decided that was not a path I would choose for there is no upside to non-resolution once I got over my initial anger.
As Aileen O'Donoghue wrote in Living Faith, we either practise being right or we practise being kind. And it is in forgiveness, we practise kindness in hope of kindness being given to us in 'good measure' (Luke 6:37).
So I picked up the phone and called, and talked, and listened. We both put down the phone feeling better for we agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over. Even if I had to eat humble pie initially, it was worth it.
My lesson from all this is there's no point being right if it causes negative reactions and hurt feelings with no viable solution.
And nothing like prayer to give perspective, regain objectivity and not hold onto anger or ego; to be the one who first seeks reconciliation and thereafter engage in a win-win situation.
Recently, a couple of close friends have had skirmishes with a respective parent and both sets of people experienced deep hurt. The relationships were badly affected and in one instance, the existing rift is, at present, unbridged.
When resentment causes us to explode in anger, we often say and do things we do not really mean, even if in that moment our intent is murderous. Because we ourselves did not escape unscathed by the heated exchange of words, we refuse to yield or consider the other's position, for pride traps us in indignation and self-righteousness.
So we eschew forgiveness and reconciliation. We seek only justice and redress, not realizing when we dig our heels in, rooting in pain and anger, we face losing something more precious than our so-called dignity - our humanity.
We forget all the good times, where the other was there for us or showered us with sacrificial love. Instead, the words that hurt us wield power to keep us fixated on only the bad times, and what the other did not do for us, or did very badly.
These words take on a life of their own in our imaginations, roaming free to create chaos and bitterness in our internal landscapes, withering the delicate seedling of empathy and true understanding.
Being right is cold comfort when the possibilities of love are silenced by hurt and anger. When I look back on life what I regret most are the harsh words and/or unloving acts my pride and ego had spawned.
I regret times I was too stubborn to admit I was partially wrong (although I may have been partially right) and let a situation go from bad to worse.
I especially regret that I could not overcome years of hurt that silenced the words of love I wished to express to my late father until it was too late.
Loving is not easy for there will be times we will hurt those we love deeply, especially those in our families. But as today's Gospel from Luke chapter 13 remind us, we never know when death will come and we do not want to be caught unawares when it does.
We would want to go in state of grace, which means we should take to heart the advice that Paul proffered the Ephesians: to not let anger cause us to sin and give the devil an opportunity to mar our relationships with dissension and unforgiveness.
What Paul goes on to say is a fitting reminder this Lent:
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
I had every justification to feel aggrieved (so I say) and get nasty but I decided that was not a path I would choose for there is no upside to non-resolution once I got over my initial anger.
As Aileen O'Donoghue wrote in Living Faith, we either practise being right or we practise being kind. And it is in forgiveness, we practise kindness in hope of kindness being given to us in 'good measure' (Luke 6:37).
So I picked up the phone and called, and talked, and listened. We both put down the phone feeling better for we agreed to wipe the slate clean and start over. Even if I had to eat humble pie initially, it was worth it.
My lesson from all this is there's no point being right if it causes negative reactions and hurt feelings with no viable solution.
And nothing like prayer to give perspective, regain objectivity and not hold onto anger or ego; to be the one who first seeks reconciliation and thereafter engage in a win-win situation.
Recently, a couple of close friends have had skirmishes with a respective parent and both sets of people experienced deep hurt. The relationships were badly affected and in one instance, the existing rift is, at present, unbridged.
When resentment causes us to explode in anger, we often say and do things we do not really mean, even if in that moment our intent is murderous. Because we ourselves did not escape unscathed by the heated exchange of words, we refuse to yield or consider the other's position, for pride traps us in indignation and self-righteousness.
So we eschew forgiveness and reconciliation. We seek only justice and redress, not realizing when we dig our heels in, rooting in pain and anger, we face losing something more precious than our so-called dignity - our humanity.
We forget all the good times, where the other was there for us or showered us with sacrificial love. Instead, the words that hurt us wield power to keep us fixated on only the bad times, and what the other did not do for us, or did very badly.
These words take on a life of their own in our imaginations, roaming free to create chaos and bitterness in our internal landscapes, withering the delicate seedling of empathy and true understanding.
Being right is cold comfort when the possibilities of love are silenced by hurt and anger. When I look back on life what I regret most are the harsh words and/or unloving acts my pride and ego had spawned.
I regret times I was too stubborn to admit I was partially wrong (although I may have been partially right) and let a situation go from bad to worse.
I especially regret that I could not overcome years of hurt that silenced the words of love I wished to express to my late father until it was too late.
Loving is not easy for there will be times we will hurt those we love deeply, especially those in our families. But as today's Gospel from Luke chapter 13 remind us, we never know when death will come and we do not want to be caught unawares when it does.
We would want to go in state of grace, which means we should take to heart the advice that Paul proffered the Ephesians: to not let anger cause us to sin and give the devil an opportunity to mar our relationships with dissension and unforgiveness.
What Paul goes on to say is a fitting reminder this Lent:
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
When it comes to relationships gone bad or situations fraught with tension, kindness and forgiveness would be the best Lenten sacrifice we could ever offer up. Not just as a sign of love to God, but for our own good as well (as we get rid of past baggage).
And should we go tomorrow, there would be no regrets, no loss. Just pure grace.
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