A love-ly year ahead

It is the last day of 2013. There is always something a little poignant to endings even though they usually herald new beginnings. In a way, I like that we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Christ, at the end of the year for it symbolizes for me the continuity of hope and joy into the new year.

Despite it being wintry cold in the Northern Hemisphere, the Nativity is the beacon of light in the darkness, bringing life, warmth and good cheer. It is the reminder that amidst tragedy, violence and loss, a baby was born in humble circumstances to become the one who will save the world. Goodness will triumph over evil. Peace, and joy, will prevail.

As with any superhero, life is never smooth sailing. There is even danger. Shortly after his birth, Jesus and his parents have to flee to Egypt and live in exile.

The Nativity story is one of privation, hardship and yawning uncertainty. It speaks of great trials for Mary and Joseph, from the time she said yes to carrying the Son of Man in her womb, and he said yes to protecting a pregnant woman and the life of a particular foetus.

This is what inspires me, these two remarkable people who were the parents of Jesus. Mary, a gutsy young woman who accepts the unusual gift of her son at incredible risk of shame and death.

Joseph, a man who undertakes to care for his affianced, and later her child, although he is under no obligation to do so. His deep and resilient faith his only guiding force in what seemed like a betrayal of the highest order.

Their faith and fidelity to God speaks of their great love for God. To go beyond the human inclination to give up, walk away in anger and disgust, choose the easier option or simply say no to definite heartache was possible only because they recognized and subscribed to what real love is.

Real love seeks the good of the other, even to the point of sacrifice that seems foolish to the rest of the world. True love is enduring and does not rely on emotion or reciprocity to keep on being loyal, affirming and life-giving. Pure love keeps forgiving and giving, beyond duty, sense, or even justice.

Joseph and Mary understood that and lived it out. Is it any wonder that their son, Jesus, grew up to be the man He was? His parents did real good by their fully human, fully divine son.

While I do not have children, I can still aspire to be as loving as they were. And I am ever hopeful because good people like Joseph and Mary do exist, as they did all those years ago.

May Jesus, Mary and Joseph carry you into the new year and bring you the hope and joy of the Nativity. Happy New Year.

 

God is with us

As the last candle was lit on the Advent wreath last Sunday, I felt deep sadness. I carried the hearts of all the people I recently met in my heart, their suffering and pain, and it felt heavy.

For I cannot change things, make their lives better... yet. For now, I can only remember them, and pray for them. Like them, I can only wait for the light of Emmanuel to come, and in the words of the Benedictus or Song of Zachariah, to "illuminate those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to direct our feet in the way of peace.”

This melancholic state represents my current mood. Some of it comes from the typical end of year reflection: What have I accomplished in this year that just sped by? All I feel is tired. I have rushed around doing a million things, without really accomplishing much. I have wasted precious time on mindless activity without giving more time to the Lord, as I so desired.

The other part of this emptiness comes from having to wait. My impatient soul demands instant gratification. Yet, Advent demands that I prepare my heart for the birth of Christ in a particular way. As Father Ron Rolheiser wrote in early December:

Advent is a gestation process that cannot be rushed. Tears, pain, and a long season of prayer are needed to create the conditions for the kind of pregnancy that brings forth a messiah into our world. Why? Because the real love and life can only be born when a long-suffering patience has created the correct space, the virginal womb, within which the sublime can be born. 

He goes on to add: Messiahs can only be born inside a particular kind of womb, namely, one within which there's enough patience and willingness to wait so as to let things happen on God's terms, not ours.  

I allowed God to lead my heart this Advent and He took me to the Philippines and showed me poverty, despair and injustice. He also showed me abundance, hope and love. One of the questions we reflected on at the close of reverse carolling was how does this experience of reverse carolling fit into my life back home?

This trip was made not to salve my conscience, boost my ego or help me become a more interesting conversationalist, rather, it was a personal invitation to participate in Advent in a more intimate manner, to wait and see how the Christ child will be born in my life in a new, unprecedented way.

I strongly felt that I was asked to be the voice of those without one. To remind others of those who were marginalized and easily forgotten. To make a difference by not remaining indifferent. To make my tears count.

As Father Rolheiser concludes:

Hence, ideally, every tear should bring the messiah closer. This isn't an unfathomable mystery: Every frustration should, ideally, make us more ready to love. Every tear should, ideally, make us more ready to forgive. Every heartache should, ideally, make us more ready to let go of some of our separateness. Every unfulfilled longing should, ideally, lead us into a deeper and more sincere prayer. And all of our pained impatience for a consummation that seems to forever elude us should, ideally, makes us feverish enough to burst into love's flame.

We commemorate the birth of Jesus this coming evening, an event that is the icon of pure, selfless love. It is right and just to give pause and simply adore Him.

Missionary heart

I finally have time to reflect a little on my year, and what has been apparent is that I have been schooled these months in what it means to have a missionary heart.

I have always thought of missionaries as an intrepid, rare breed of people who went to distant places and suffered much hardship to bring about the salvation of people. Certainly not someone like me - full of faults and fears, not verbally articulate, nor socially adept.

However, this year has given me fresh insight: if one has the heart to share the joy of intimately knowing Christ, and one lives and moves according to where the Spirit leads, then it is possible to be missionary, wherever one is. This is what I've learnt.

JESUS FIRST & ALWAYS

If one must have tunnel vision, then let the focus be on Jesus, for only He is perfect in wisdom, knowledge and love, and thus steers with unerring precision. He alone leads me to be in union with God, who is the source and destiny of my being. 

Listening well and listening frequently to Him is necessary. Whether it was preparing for my exams or being on vacation, when I took the time to pray and thank the Lord for every moment of joy, frustration, despair or anger, He would gift me with insight, hope or strength, encouraging and affirming me.  

As an imperfect and broken vessel, my power to move mountains is largely non-existent. But when I deny my self, my prejudice and my pride, and I follow His lead, mountains become speed bumps that merely slow me down. 

I have recently begun to pray the Jesus Prayer* as well as a mantra taken from John 3:30 - Increase in me that I may decrease. These two are my bite-sized prayers on the go. Try them, they really work.

JOURNEYING WELL

I got to travel to many places this year. Interestingly enough, none were my choice of destination, save one, and that was my recent trip. One thing stuck out whether I was abroad or at home, that life is an on-going flow of events filled with constant change and uncertainty, and I could choose to meet and respond to God in the flow only if I recognized that each moment was pregnant with potential grace.

The funny thing about these grace-filled moments is you need to respond in a life-giving manner in order to experience its full effect. In other words, I had to walk the talk of my faith authentically, at times against my own inclinations, and in so doing, I then allowed ordinary circumstances to be transformed into burning bush encounters.

What surprised me, especially on vacation, were the many opportunities to speak a word of life-giving truth, facilitate healing in some way, or demonstrate God's love through compassion and forbearance. I realized there is no time off from doing good works.

As Pope Paul VI put it, we are called to be saints of daily life. Every day we are called to holiness and the mission of bearing good fruit. Every day the journey takes a turn that can lead us either closer or farther away from Him and His precepts.

To journey well requires being ready at all times, like a wise bridesmaid, or vigilant servant. With an open heart and attentive ear, ready to do the Lord's bidding, to say: Speak, Lord, your servant is listening (1 Samuel 3:10).

JOY ABOUNDING

No matter how disastrous a situation, no matter how badly we fail in life, no matter how life knocks us down, the one truth holds: Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:35), for His love and grace are sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

He was, is and will always be Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). His love is unconditional, infinite, abundant, and most of all, gentle - a gift for everyone, for all eternity.

In accepting such an undeserved gift of pure love, I cannot help but feel joy, the joy of the Good News, the Gospel, that evil can never triumph. For Jesus came and He conquered sin and death out of love for you and me.

So as Christians, we are called to experience and express joy even in adversity, for we can see the bigger picture, the infinite glory of salvation history. And we are called to weave our own stories into this rich tapestry of faith, to sing in unison the chorus of joy as we welcome our Saviour into our hearts daily.

As Pope Francis wrote in Evangelii Gaudium, our lives must not be Lent without Easter. He shared a powerful quote from Pope Benedict XVI:

Being a Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction.

Pope Francis goes on to elucidate it is in this encounter with God’s love, which blossoms into an enriching friendship, and we are liberated from our narrowness and self-absorption. We become fully human when we become more than human, when we let God bring us beyond ourselves in order to attain the fullest truth of our being. Here we find the source and inspiration of all our efforts at evangelization. For if we have received the love which restores meaning to our lives, how can we fail to share that love with others?  Evangelii Gaudium, 8

I began this year wanting to bring light to others. I am not sure how much I have succeeded given my natural disposition. However, if I do as Esther suggested during reverse carolling, to model Mother Mary in bringing the Christ child to others, then, like Mary, I may not know what the future portends, but as long as I agree to bear Baby Jesus within me, that is all that is needed for His glory to shine forth and bring joy into others' hearts. 

NB: For this entry, I draw content from Anna Capello's talk on ICPE missionary communities: an expression of lay spirituality.

* http://catholicism.about.com/od/prayers/qt/Jesus_Prayer.htm 

Reverse carolling impressions

I. TOUCHED IN BAGONG SILANG, December 7
I first noticed her as the attentive and still figure who eyes were trained on us as we sang, conversed and prayed with families in Bagong Silang, a slew of tiny zinc-roofed wooden "houses" that hugged the steep mountain side.

Then her face appeared again, and again as we went from home to home. We locked eyes, exchanged smiles from time to time, and finally at our last three homes, we made contact.

From behind, I gently cupped her face and turned her head from side to side in play. She immediately melted and clung to my side, refusing to let go of my arm. When we prayed and I had to let go of her hand, she would lean into my side, maintaining body contact as she prayed along with us. I fell in love then as I held her tiny, cold hand in mine again.

Here was a kindred spirit, a child who shared my love language of touch. I savoured this brief moment of pure, innocent trust. How did I get so lucky to deserve this unexpected expression of love?

During a moment of reflection later on, I felt that Jesus was assuring me that He loved me dearly and unconditionally through Riza. Even though I felt unloveable and unworthy of being loved (this always happens when I am thrust into a group of people I do not know very well and my old insecurities rear their heads), He thought otherwise.

Riza continued to follow us up the hillside to our van. She became my little assistant when I was trying to teach a child how to say thank you for the lollipop I gave him. She demanded that he say thank you in Tagalog, which he quickly did.

When it came time to leave, I sought her out and planted a kiss on her forehead. It was a benediction for her that immediately bounced back onto me. Jesus was telling her she was precious and loved, just as He was telling me the same thing.

It was a moment of pure grace. I encountered Christ in Riza, and she, in me.

II. BOHOL RETROSPECTIVE, December 12
P said something doing a debriefing in Bohol, that God was unfair for there was such a huge disparity between the poor and the rich. My immediate reaction was that it wasn't God who was unfair, but rather people who were greedy, and therefore unfair.

God created the world with enough to go around for everyone. However, humanity with a view to acquiring personal wealth, fight wars to gain territories in order to attain power, assets and monetary wealth. It is avarice that has caused this imbalance in the world, where the majority of the world goes without that a few may live in the lap of luxury.

I am back in Tagaytay for a day having spent three days in Bohol. In collaboration with the Bohol Chamber of Commerce*, we visited some 100 homes to sing and pray with the families and leave them with food hampers. We also threw a Christmas party for over 200 children in a school in Buenavista.

It is disconcerting and depressing to come face to face with such poverty and hardship. People who live in tiny, dark, nipa palm-roofed shacks, dressed in hand-me-down clothes, with not enough to eat.

Suffering is written in every line of their prematurely aged, tanned features, their eyes are dead and lifeless, blank expressions pasted on their visages. They are a people in darkest despair.

Some of the homes we visited in Batuan are so remote that the people we met seem socially maladjusted. They are unable to express any emotion and the children stare back, slack-jawed, with no reaction to friendly overtures. This, for me, was the saddest, for a smile has been a universal response to my own, until now. They were like zombies.

The incongruity of the beauty of the padi fields and the backbreaking work they represent to the farmers (who have no time to appreciate the beauty of their surroundings) hit me hard.

Worse, they do not reap the entire harvest for all their efforts, only a third which is barely sufficient. Two-thirds go to the landowners who don't even know their property exists except during harvest time.

When asked what they wish to pray for, the families we visited sought for enough food to eat and did not even desire riches. Mostly they asked for good health as well for sickness is a curse in such abject poverty.

Although we did not visit those who were directly affected by the quake in Bohol, we visited the very poor, some affected by the typhoon, and those who were living in such remote, difficult-to-access places that they had no contact with outsiders and received little assistance.

The CHARIS**-sponsored water filters, and the mosquito nets we gave out were received with such gratitude that I was ashamed of how much I took for granted potable water, electricity and decent plumbing.

These families I encountered during the two days of reverse carolling in Bohol shout to me in their despondence. What Jitka said during our orientation rang deafeningly, that the biggest sin against the poor was indifference.

As I made ready to leave her home after we sang the finale, Artemia said to me in Visayan, remember me, as she held my hand. Although I felt our efforts were ineffectual and too piecemeal a gesture to make a significant difference, I can remember and honour those I met by fulfilling my wants less and channelling more of my income towards alleviating the plight of the forgotten and the less fortunate.

Perhaps, then, the balance will shift in favour of people like Artemia who deserve much more than this meagre and grim existence and life will not seem so unfair.

* We were aided by Reyna Deloso and her amazing team of colleagues who showed us their caring hearts for their Boholano brethren, and we also met some lovely community leaders in the barangays we visited.

** CHARIS stands for Caritas Humanitarian Aid & Relief Initiatives, Singapore and is the umbrella body for overseas humanitarian aid by the Archdiocese of Singapore.

III. MONTALBAN NIGHTMARE, December 14
From the beauty of Tagaytay and Bohol, we entered the hell of the dumpsite in Montalban. As the mountains of trash formed a wasteland of post-Apocalyptic desolation, the stench assailed our nostrils, making my stomach turn.

Families lived in cramped rows of wooden huts on the fringe of the dumpsite. The ground was littered in waste and muck, flies covered anything remotely looking like food to them.

It is unthinkable and an outrage to think that people should call this severely polluted environment home. Young children ran around with huge sores and scars on their skinny limbs. Adults were emaciated and wizened, their eyes dulled in perpetual misery.

What broke my heart was when a young woman asked me if I would buy her toddler son whom she
clearly loved. She lived in equal parts of hope and anguish that I would say yes.

We threw a party for the children in the barangay, and Ate Noralyn persuaded two raggedy boys (one with a bulbous eye) who were scavenging for plastic to enter by grabbing their bags of trash into the hall. They could not have been more than 10 years old.

The activities did not interest them for they no longer knew how to play and soon, they snuck out. As Joan commented later in our debrief, they may be beaten by their parents if they did not bring home their usual quota of discarded plastic so they did not have time to loiter.

There were so many stories of tragedy as these families shared their lives with us, and yet, there are also stories of beauty and hope.

The women in the Balikatan Ministry who have been journeying for some years with Esther, Jitka and Joan (more recently with Gemma as well), ICPE Mission Philippines missionaries, were a joy to behold. These are women who live in Montalban and some of them work also as scavengers.

They were committed to reverse carolling and touching the lives of their neighbours in ways their own lives had been touched. To share the good news of the Christ child with others. Working together, they displayed a bond of sisterhood and demonstrated that despite the difficulties of life, they could still laugh and have fun. They exemplified Isaiah 9:2: The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.

CONCLUSION
There is still much for me to process as I end reverse carolling this year.

However, one thing stands out, I cannot go back to my old life. I can and must do much more to help the poor and I invite those of you who read this to do the same.

Thus, the world we live in can become as beautiful as it was created to be.

Reverse carolling epiphanies

I am currently in Tagaytay, Philippines for reverse carolling with ICPE Mission Philippines. We spent the first day preparing ourselves spiritually before we began our outreach efforts proper and I had many little epiphanies that day.

I first understood more fully what the Pope meant when he said that the Church was not an NGO, for our efforts to serve the poor need to involve our spirituality, chiefly our belief in Christ.

It is because of our faith in Christ that we love and help "the least of our brethren". But much more than that, we are called to proclaim the Word "with simplicity" a simplicity that gives way to the power of the Word of God. And thus we can proclaim the Gospel as grace.

This good news, as Pope Francis pointed out in his hot-off-the-press Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii Gaudium, is too good to be kept to ourselves:

Those who accept his offer of salvation are set free from sin, sorrow, inner emptiness and loneliness.

It is indeed awesome news and our responsibility to share this message of joy that was brought to fulfilment in the person of Jesus Christ is meant for everyone.

The second thing I understood more wholly was the Church's social teaching of preferential treatment for the poor. Why are we exhorted to love the poor?

Again it is to follow in the footsteps of Christ, who not only claimed the prophecy from Isaiah, but then went on to do just that: He brought good news to the poor, healed the contrite of heart, released the captive, restored sight to the blind and set the downtrodden free.

Plus, Jesus Himself chose to be born in humble circumstances. To have for a crib a manger, a trough used to feed animals; to have to flee, like a refugee, to Egypt to avoid persecution; to be brought up as a carpenter's son; his deliberate self-abasing choices showed His preferential love for and identification with the poor.

Therefore when we reach out to the poor, we are, in essence, encountering Christ Himself in them. So whatever kind deed we perform for them is not equal to the blessing we, in turn, receive in our encounter with our Servant King.

We may think that we are giving much, but if we truly see the situation for what it is, we are receiving so much more in return.

The final insight I received in our preparation is how prayer must be the foundation of all our efforts. It is only with prayer that we can truly empty ourselves of self, and be filled with Christ's Spirit so that whoever we meet will indeed experience Christ through us.

It is also only with prayer that we can ensure we work through our different emotions to know that it does not matter how we feel, especially feelings of anger, frustration and helplessness. Everything is in God's hands, we are but His willing instruments. We can but do our best and leave the multiplication of loaves to Him.

Today we gave out 30 Christmas hampers to homes in Bagong Silang. We were in Magallanes yesterday where we also gave out 36 hampers and threw a party for 80 children.

While the poverty is appalling for the hovels that passed for homes are cramped, dark and bare, yet I can only marvel at how the human spirit is unquenchable. Signs of hope can be found in the attempts to beautify their homes, in the home-made Christmas decorations, the pride they take in their appearance, and most of all, in the smiles of the children.

 

I pray that the joy and pleasure I found in the smiles of those I met echo somehow in their hearts. 

Humble leanings

As one strives to "be good", the hardest virtues to acquire are humility and constancy or perseverance. Being judgemental is a ridiculously effortless raising of an eyebrow or a barely discernible sniff.

I find myself having to contend with the constant flow of inner talk that nitpicks and condemns the range of behaviour that falls short of my Christian gold standard, of what I deem acceptable.

What a Scrooge, why is he not giving more to the poor when he is rolling in it? Such selfish behaviour! How can anyone be so cluelessly inconsiderate and rude? Calls that Christian behaviour? It goes on, ad nauseam, if I let it.

What gives me the right to a holier than thou attitude when the good I am doing is just me doing what I ought to, as a decent human being who knows better. There's nothing special or extraordinary, nothing that deserves accolades. It is just so easy to act superior and forget the plank in my own eye.

In a recent homily, Pope Francis warned that Christians who lose the faith and prefer ideology become rigid, moralists, ethicists, but without goodness.

The reason for this is, he said simply one thing: that Christian does not pray. And if there is no prayer, you will always close the door.

It is easy to close the door to faith and fall into the ideology of religion. To think one has all the answers to life and to discard everything else as unworthy of consideration. Ideological Christians, Pope Francis elaborates, are people who have become proud, sure of themselves and lacking humility.

Pope Francis goes on to reminds us: In ideology there is no Jesus: his tenderness, love, meekness. And ideologies are always rigid.

It is ideologists who alienate people and create dissension, disunity; at times to the point of choosing violence as their voice against perceived wrong.

At our last Woman to Woman Ministry meeting of the year, we reflected on what would be an appropriate Advent offering. I decided to place my pride at the foot of the empty manger for it is at the root of my judgemental ways. My desire is to grow in humility and make that my gift to the Christ child come December 25.

The secret is, as the Pope pointed out, the distinction of prayer. Much can be accomplished if we keep praying and there is no better time for a renewed effort than Advent, the season of preparation before Christmas.

And for those of us who are too hung up on results or personal achievement, Blessed Mother Teresa said it best:

Be humble

and you will

never be disturbed.

It is very difficult

in practice

because we all want to see

the result of our work.

Leave it to Jesus.

Immersed in this world

By now, everyone on the planet knows how Typhoon Haiyan (aka Yolanda in the Philippines) wreaked catastrophic destruction when it made landfall November 7, affecting multiple cities in the Philippines, with thousands dead and many more missing or displaced. Other countries affected were Micronesia, Palau, Taiwan, China and Vietnam, but nowhere near the level of damage suffered by Tacloban City in the Philippines.

As unscathed onlookers, our response is not only a measure of our humanity, but an indictment of our faith. If we have a strong and lively faith, then we will gather our resources and reach out to our brothers and sisters who were affected with support and comfort, to help them rebuild their lives and make it even better than it was before.

 

In a show of solidarity, nations have all swung into action, galvanizing forces to bring aid to the disaster-struck areas. We thus have ample opportunity to join in these national and communal  efforts by participating in whatever way we can. More so if we are believers or followers of Christ. We must do as He did, bringing comfort to those who most need it. In fact, to play the Good Samaritan is a call that each one of us has within our hearts.

 

Blessed John Paul II said:

 

We live in history, side by side with our peers, sharing their worries and hope. We cannot escape into another dimension, ignoring the tragedies of our era, closing our eyes and hearts to the anguish that pervades life. On the contrary we are immersed in this world every day, ready to hasten to wherever there is a brother or sister In need of help, a tear to be dried, a request for help to be answered.

 

While I'd like to think that I do my part in proclaiming "the good news to the poor", it is at times like these that I am reminded I can always do more. I am glad I overcame my initial reticence to go reverse carolling* next month in the Philippines for I have been travelling quite a bit this year and another trip did not seem a prudent choice in any way.  

 

As it turns out, this round of reverse carolling will involve us visiting not just homes in Montalban and Tagaytay, but in Bohol where an October earthquake and the recent super typhoon have spelt disaster for inhabitants.

 

Although I look forward to reaching out to those whose homes were destroyed, charitable efforts should not restricted to what one reads in the headlines but should be a continual crusade to help end poverty, hunger and injustice. The cries of our brothers and sisters, at home and abroad, should not be ignored.

 

Hear and respond. Every day.

* Reverse carolling is an outreach to visit homes of disadvantaged families to bring some Christmas cheer into their lives by connecting with family members, singing carols to them and leaving them with a Christmas hamper filled with food to ensure they have something festive to eat over the Nativity season.

Read more about the preparations on: https://plus.google.com/112131744968067307130/posts.

The blessed single life

I am generally quite happy being a singleton. I don't feel like that it is an "unfortunate conscription" where I am only "looking in at life from the outside". However, a conversation with T this week made me feel like I was missing out big time if I chose to remain single and celibate. Rather, I should be actively looking to find me a man, and having fun while doing it.

Mine seemed like a weird, unnatural choice and I was odd in choosing this route especially since I am not working towards a religious vocation. Have I given up on marriage out of fear? Should I be putting myself out there? I hate feeling this way and yet, I know it is a choice that is not really understood by many (there are times it is incomprehensible to me, too) so I should not let it faze me.

It was, therefore, a boost to my flagging confidence to read Father Ron Rolheiser's The Single Life*. I could say that I was fully and joyfully picking up my life and seeing it as worthwhile. I accept with equanimity that I am single, in a spirit that fits the life I am actually living. I am good with my state of life, and often, more than good.

I don't dispute that, as Father Rolheiser put it, the universe works in pairs, and that even God himself said it is not good for man to be alone. I feel that reality in my body every day, the need to be in union, to connect. But understanding that this need is first and foremost a call from God to connect with Him, then with others, has made the difference for me. I don't expend extra energy desperately seeking for The One, for He is with me always (granted cold comfort at times, but mostly reassuring).

In allowing the cross of Christ to transform and repair this fault in my chastity, I can be made whole. I am not a half looking for another half to complete me. I can be a "normal, generative and happy" person, in my single self.

Certainly there are days when loneliness seems to be a fierce, all-encompassing ache that has me singing the blues, but when properly channelled, blue gives way to gold and silver. And, interesting shades of gold and silver abound.

I especially like this paragraph which I share below:

However, to be celibate and single doesn't necessarily mean that one is asexual or sterile. Today the impression is often given that no happiness exists outside of sexual union. That's superficial and untrue. Sexuality is the drive in us towards connection, community, family, friendship, affection, love, creativity, delight, and generativity. We are happy and whole when these things are in our lives, not on the basis of whether or not we sleep alone. The single celibate life offers its own opportunities for achieving these. God never closes one door without opening countless others. For instance, when our culture recognizes that it's easier to find a lover than a friend, it recognizes too that human sexuality and generativity are more than biological.

As Father Rolheiser goes on to say:

There are other ways of being healthily sexual, of getting pregnant and impregnating, of being mother or father, of sexual [sic] enjoying intimacy. Sexuality, love, generativity, family, enjoyment, and delight have multiple modalities.

It is all a question of opening ourselves to Divine-inspired creativity and going down roads previously ignored or undiscovered. The more I venture down paths I had not considered before, the more I have to concur. God has ways we humans dare not dream of, as exemplified by the Annunciation.

I would like to think that the single life has given me opportunities I otherwise would not have experienced; more adventures taken, more surprises afforded, and I am grateful.

The travails of life will arise whether I am single or married, and there will be sacrifices to be made either way. Regardless of either state of life, the choice really is to make the most of life and to be joyous for the graces one receives every day.

So I wear my single celibate life with pride for it is blessed by the living presence of Christ, who makes all things right and beautiful with great love.

* To read Father Rolheiser's article, go to: http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=1289

Taking pride down

A friend of mine recently shared that someone dear to her has allowed fear and insecurity to reign supreme, thereby turning this person into a manipulative and selfish being, quite unlike her usual self.

Why is it so unsettling when we hear that someone who strives hard to model Christian values and is generally a kind and giving person has suddenly morphed into a crazed witch and has fallen away from God's truth?

Three things come to my mind. One, pride is to blame; two, it could very easily have been me; and three, it does not take much to discourage others with behaviour that smacks of counter-witnessing. My friend has found this surreal situation difficult to deal with on so many levels.

Yes, we all have our imperfections, but for those who are in positions of moral authority or leadership, the bar is, unfortunately, set much higher. As Jesus said, those who have been given much, much will be demanded of them. That's the reason why we expect our priests and religious to be exemplars of Christian virtue and model citizens.

Faithfulness in small things is required, consistently. For this is what witnessing is all about. In all circumstances, in every waking moment, we do not stop striving to be like Jesus. The only way we can achieve this impossible aspiration is to submit to God's will each nano second. Constant prayer is key to allow transforming grace to course through our arteries, pulsing through our bodies with life-giving, Spirit-filled oxygen.

Saint Paul said to the Corinthians:

I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me, and that is why I am quite content with my weaknesses, and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and the agonies I go through for Christ’s sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong.

The thorns in our flesh are strong enough to lance the boils of our pride, to drain away the pus inside. However, if we do not see the hidden purpose of the thorns that afflict us, we will just whinge, wallow and do nothing.

Pride is truly the queen of all deadly sins for it does not take much for pride to colour our perspective and insidiously blind us to our own faults. Even our strengths are not exempt. I find I have to constantly catch myself from pinning a good deed onto my breast like a badge of honour for all to see and admire. Saint Thérèse of Lisieux urges for the glory of anonymity when it comes to doing good; the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing and all that.

Thus, good people with noble intentions, beware. Always submit your intentions, your acts of love and your good deeds to an examen of consciousness*. Allow your strengths and virtues, not only your weaknesses and faults, to be purified constantly. Do not commit base murder flowing from honourable and lofty ideals just as Brutus in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar did.

In The Way of Perfection, Saint Teresa of Avila talks about the three essentials of a prayer-filled life, humility, charity and detachment, in order for us to become spiritually mature Christians.

To be humble is to walk in the truth of who we are and to be content with whatever it is the Lord wants us to do**. She called humility the queen of virtues. To be charitable is to give of one's self with a self-donating love that puts others first and self after. And detachment is all about self-relinquishing liberation from created things, including our preferences and prejudices. 

Humility, charity and detachment are the trinity of virtues and, Saint Teresa assures, the way to a happy and fulfilling life. These virtues are fully embodied in Jesus, whose example we can emulate closely. So don't let pride get the better of you. Stay humble, loving and hold all things loosely in your hands.

* A great article on how to do the examen: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/consciousness-examen/

** From Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee

God's caress

In a recent address, Pope Francis said: Every day we are all called to become “God’s caress” for those who perhaps have forgotten the first caresses, who perhaps have never felt a caress in their lives.

What a beautiful invitation to each of us to reach out to those who are marginalized or forgotten, who may be neglected or rejected by mainstream society. Pope Francis was encouraging a group of pilgrims who are involved in charitable work, but it is a statement each of us can make applicable in our lives.

I know I have been much blessed for from the day I was born, I have been the beloved of family and friends. I have known what love is in many different ways and I continue to experience it so much so that I find it hard to imagine anyone not having felt a caress of love and care in their lives.

It is therefore a sobering reminder that there are many in my midst who have not been given what I have and I should do something about it. Everything I have is pure gift. I did not earn it or deserve it, and therefore I should be sharing what I have.

I have to admit I have been slacking lately. Busy working on replenishing the coffers after an expensive vacation has been all consuming and energy zapping. And yet, I know it is time I take a step outside my little bubble. As Pope Francis pointed put, answering our call is an everyday affair. There is always someone I can administer to and they are not that difficult to spot.

But besides writing a few cheques and making a financial contribution to worthy causes, I also need to get up close and personal in order to be a palpable caress. I need to make face time.

Just last week, I received a phone call from someone with whom I have a prickly relationship. I know I should pay her a visit and see how she is, but I have used the convenience of my busy life to forget about her for some months now. I have been feeling bad about neglecting her, but not bad enough to make the effort to pop by and spend time with her. Instead, I salved my conscience by just buying her something expensive she needed.

In The Story of a Soul, Saint Thérèse of Lisieux wrote charity ought to betray itself in deeds, and not exist merely in the feelings. She also reminded me there is no real merit in helping those whom I like or love but rather in loving those whom I find hard to love.

I know TA is someone who has long forgotten her first caresses for she has been crotchety for as long as I can remember. And yet, she is someone I know who could do with some TLC.

So tomorrow I will see her and I hope it will be not too unpleasant an encounter. And if it is, I will have to remind myself ad majorem Dei gloriam.

Naked goodness

Lady Gaga recently did a Lady Godiva when she was performing at a gay club. I am not sure what was the point of this act of exhibitionism (Lady Godiva at least did it for a noble cause), but it seems to be the rage amongst women entertainers to be as outrageous and bizarre as possible for the sake of fortune or fame presumably, for it can never be termed art, or have any merit other than that of poor taste.

What has happened to allowing the gifts we have to speak for themselves? In the case of singers, the voice and the music. But no, in order to entertain, an aggressive display of the scantily clad body moving in overtly sexual ways seems to be de rigueur.

While I do not have children to protect from these dehumanizing acts that objectify the body so demeaningly, I feel saddened, as a woman, that all these decades of fighting for women's rights has come to this:

Emancipated women who willingly choose to debase their bodies and be treated as sexual objects, displaying their beautiful assets like meat in a market. They willingly choose to subjugate themselves to male domination by agreeing to be judged on and desired for their physical assets.

In the name of external beauty, they undergo aesthetic surgery to enhance and preserve physical beauty to frightening extremes. What is wrong with one's God-given features? Why is looking one's age so abhorred? Are not inner beauty, character, substance and goodness more valuable, influential and permanent?

We women are so much more than the sum of our body parts. We have so much more to offer the world: our brains, our feminine grace and our inner beauty. We can change the world just be using our wits and our talents. And we can do it without resorting to prostituting ourselves or undermining our own dignity.

I would urge every woman reading this to evaluate how you value your own dignity as woman and to reclaim it if you think looking sexy in order to snag a man is a good idea. Work on developing your God-given assets, your self-esteem, and growing in virtue. Challenge yourself to being a woman who would be a good role model for younger men and women, boys and girls

I would encourage every man reading this to value and affirm the women in your life, be it mother, aunt, sister, girlfriend, wife, daughter or friend, for who they are. Respect and love them as fellow human beings, just as you would want to be respected. Do not lust after women or use them for your own gratification, treat every woman as your beloved sister or mother.

Likewise, women, sexual liberation does not mean twerking your bottom shamelessly into a man's crotch, but it does mean standing up (clothed decently) for your right to be admired and respected for everything that you are. Demand to be loved for the beautiful inner you, not only for your pretty face.

Teach men to go gaga over the real you - body, soul and spirit - stripped of all pretence and artifice, clothed with decorum in your dignity.

TOB for couples

So why is chastity so brilliant before and within marriage? As I wrote in my last entry, TOB good, man and woman are made to be in a monogamous relationship, and in order to live out the nuptial meaning of their bodies, chastity is vital. It may not be easy, but when men and women attempt sexual honesty (leaning heavily on grace), they will find many blessings.

In my previous relationships, I never really knew if I was liked for who I was or was it the sexual chemistry that kept the relationships going. When couples focus on the physical aspect of a mutual attraction, lust muddies the water of love, if it flows, for the motivations that keep a couple in a relationship become unclear. Both had used each other for their own gratification from the start, and this pattern of using often becomes the blueprint of relationship dynamics.

Lust tends to cement relationships of two personalities that should not be together. Even if it becomes clear that they do not bring out the best in each other (every good, long-term relationship should do this) things may have advanced to the point where they are too comfortable to break up and move on. They rationalize staying in a stagnant or unhealthy relationship rather than face being alone.

The mindless, feel good character of lust is akin to gorging on junk food which fills the empty void inside temporarily and leaves you craving for more, like an addict. And what about the ill effects? While less visible than clogged arteries and obesity, they are more damaging.

One night stands are only good for cheap thrills, the danger and risk one exposes oneself to is not worth it, let alone risking one's soul.

Casual sex keeps one focused only on scratching the sexual itch, neglecting the real prize one craves for, a life partner to rely on, through thick and thin.

We have become a world full of people desperately searching for love, but no longer certain what love really looks like and how to find it. We think a sexual smörgåsbord feeds the emptiness in our souls and we keep going back for more. Instead, we grow more pleasure-seekingly selfish, self-absorbed and immature, falling easily into sexual infidelity and perversity. We are morally flaccid.

Here is where chastity makes a difference. When you first meet someone you like, by not jumping into bed immediately, you give each other time to figure out if you really like each other, or is it just hormones talking.

As time progresses and feelings grow, you focus on liking each other in ways that do not objectify or use the other. You plant the seeds of a giving, selfless love and watch it grow.

If you find yourself in love and working towards sharing a lifetime together, should you maintain sexual purity? Yes, for good things truly do come to those who wait. Respecting and honouring the dignity of the other beyond seeking one's own pleasure is of inestimable value, as is the value of self-control.

You know your relationship is not just based on animal attraction but on more substantial stuff, the stuff that keeps marriages going through tough times. You don't feel used. You feel cherished. You are loved the way you want to be loved, for you. If anything, abstinence before marriage begets love of a higher, more generous order.

Marriage is the ultimate symbol and gesture of love for a formal and public exchange of vows enables you both to love to the fullest of your potential with honesty and integrity. In the permanence of the marital bond (this is, of course, assuming both parties recognize the sanctity of the marriage vow they each took), couples have space in the relationship to screw up, behave badly (at times) and fail in life, knowing their spouse will always be there for them to support, forgive and love them.  

Marriage is not an excuse to indulge in lust, although, marital sex can be mind-blowingly good in the absence of lust. For in the intimacy of shared lives, the connection of minds, hearts and bodies becomes an experience that transcends the ordinary where God is present, making the union of husband and wife sacred and achingly wondrous. This realization of heaven on earth is the gift open to all married couples. It's a gift I am holding out for, even if it takes forever.

Chastity within marriage makes sex an act of love that is unitive as well as procreative. Every time couples engage in sex, they are not only renewing their promises of avowed love to each other, they are also saying I give myself totally to you in such a way that if the miracle of new life should occur, we give thanks for that blessing, even if we may not be so thrilled about it initially (if unplanned). Children are that gift of life, created out of love. They are not a right that parents decide to exercise at will, despite the wonders of modern science.

We humans have the ability to practise natural family planning and couples who do abstain from sex when necessary, find that it makes for better communication that, in turn, engenders mutual love and respect. It is life affirming, unlike couple who contracept and focus only on getting their sexual kicks by blocking fertility.

A asked me a question when we met for dinner recently, about what I thought about an unmarried couple in a committed relationship sharing a room while on vacation.

My immediate thought is why put yourselves through this test of will power when you have already come so far in maintaining sexual purity (and if you haven't, there's no better time like the present to start)? Besides, even if you managed to just sleep and do nothing else, no one would believe you.

Although propriety seems irrelevant, the old-fashioned standards of behaviour make good sense. They make for refreshing simplicity and clarity. Adhere to them and relationships won't get complicated. No unpleasant surprises before marriage, and the courtship is a little sweeter, while the wedding night all the more special when it finally arrives. Plus no one can point a moralistic finger at you, and you will feel very good and virtuous about yourself, and deservedly so.

Chastity works to keep couples on the right track of love, to love with purity and single-minded intensity. And if couples allow the third party of Jesus to be part of their love, then all they need do is follow His lead.

PS: I thank God for the gift of JPII and his amazing Theology of the Body.