Saying yes to discipleship

Ever since I used the beautiful spathodea blooms I found on the grounds of the Bangalore retreat centre to represent God in a collage of my life story, I have always regarded a sighting of these gorgeous orangey red flowers of the African Tulip Tree, its more common moniker, as a sign from God, that He is close by and very present in my life.

Last night I dreamt that I found a giant spathodea blossom and I was thrilled at my unusual find and taking photographs of it to record the special moment. I forgot my dream until I spotted an orange flower on my way to the studio this morning and it triggered my memory.

I was greatly encouraged for I was about to give a talk in the afternoon and I was nervous. The subject was broad, discipleship, and I was unsure that what I had prepared was relevant and inspiring. 

When C first asked me if I would do it, my first instinct was to say no. Why me? Who would want to listen to me ramble on? Why put myself through an ordeal where I was most likely to make a fool of myself? Plus I would need to research and write my speech from scratch. Eeeks, where to start, what to say, can I find time to prep for it... I was in a panic.

But any opportunity to testify to God's love for me is something I cannot turn down for my relationship with the Lord is one I am most grateful for and it is something I am glad to be able to celebrate publicly. Plus, it's not about me or my issues, but it's all about God. For Him, I can be bold even if I personally am not. 

I am happy that it went fairly well and that it's over! Onward to the next mountain top.

What is my take away from this experience? I was able to see that I have grown, which is nice. I have also enjoyed looking back on my journey for it has been a joy ride like no other, full of twists and turns, that have made it scary exciting. 

But most of all, I have been reminded that if I keep myself open to new experiences and I rely totally on Jesus to be my guide, He will reward me with surprises and blessings, and I do so love both surprises and blessings thus it was an invitation I could not resist.

Saying yes is never easy and it comes with a price tag, but Lord, it is sweet.

Listening well

We talked about how God speaks to us last Friday and many things came up. Scripture. Sacraments. People. Events. Books. Television. Movies. Music. Nature. Art. Beauty. Conscience. Truth. Prayer. Reflection. Journalling. Dreams. Stillness.

The possibilities are unique and numerous, especially if we can, like Ignatius of Loyola,  find God in all things. It does presuppose we are looking for God and listening hard though.

S put it most pithily: When I am conscious, He speaks to me; when I am un-conscious, I speak to myself.

To develop mindfulness, we must fine-tune the ears of our hearts to the pitch of His voice for He talks to us constantly, but in whispers as subtle as the breeze playing with the leaves. As Saint Paul recommended we need to pray without ceasing.

This attitude of heart recognizes the primacy of God. In Matthew's Gospel, he says: Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

The problem is righteousness is never an easy choice when we are faced with the realities of office politics, and when other peoples' agendas or realities are quite different from our own.

I struggle with how to make the right decisions at times when faced with situations where things are not so clear-cut.

I begin to wonder how much I can bend the rules at times, without putting my soul into perdition. How long is a piece of string?

Even though my intent may be good, what others want may alter how a situation turns out and it is not always within my control to influence the outcome much.

I forget that there is always a choice, even in a Mexican standoff, and the choice is to go with a decision where I may be at the losing end, but my conscience is clear.

To swim against the current of convention if I know in my heart of hearts what is the right thing to do. And I do, if I listen to His whispers, even if He is telling me something I do not really want to hear.

So rather than crack my brains to come up with a legalistic answer that will prevail in a court of law, I submit murky situations to His will and keep an open mind to how He will "arrange" things.

He usually comes through with ingenious answers that leave me marvelling in wonder and with the realization that I did not need to agonize that much in the first place.

As they say, father knows best and this Father certainly does, so listen well.

Waste not, want not

The most common response to celibacy is: What a waste! I just got that comment this afternoon from a friend whom I know wants me to be happy, bless you K.

This was not unlike the response of P whom I met last weekend and had asked if I had a boyfriend or a lover and then wanted to know why I did not have an active sex life when I said neither.

It amuses and exasperates me in turn when I meet people who decide that my happiness is predicated solely on pleasures of the flesh. Is it so tragic to be a single, attractive (their words, not mine) woman who is celibate both by choice and circumstance?

I know I am on my soapbox again but it amazes me how much people think of sex, or the lack thereof and make erroneous judgements based on that.

Pleasurable as sex is because it is something good that comes from God (that humans have expertly managed to subvert, prostitute and commoditize), it is really not the be all and end all of life nor the chief reason for its happiness and fulfilment.

Yes the Bible does say we are created not to be alone and that marriage is the vocation of most people. However, there is an alternative calling: to be celibate for the kingdom, in the words of my revered JPII.

It is to realize that the perfection of marriage can only be found in heaven and to make the decision to postpone the pleasures and joys of marriage until then for we are created first and foremost to be in nuptial union with God and celibacy is a way of living out and anticipating this heavenly marriage in the here and now.

The homework this week is to reflect on what kind of relationship I have with God. I like to think that I view Him not just as father, brother, friend, creator, saviour, provider, counsellor... but also as husband and lover.

With Christ as my bridegroom, I don't feel less of a woman just because I am not desired by the opposite sex for my identity as woman is not reliant on external validation but on this intimate and precious relationship I have with Him. Thus I don't struggle as much as many single, celibate women out there do, all thanks to His unconditional and generous love.

Single women in particular are prey to society's edict that a woman cannot be happy alone. She must needs find herself a mate for to be alone is akin to a life of abject loneliness and she must be sexually active to be complete. Ladies, that is the biggest crock so don't believe it. There are many ways to nirvana if you keep your eyes on Christ and Christ alone.

 

As for my life, I only consider it a waste if I do not bring a smile to my mother's face every day, or help people around me feel better physically and emotionally.

And it is a fraudulent waste if I do not live true to who I am by orienting myself to God each day and allowing Him to use me as His hands and feet.

He is my shepherd and I shall not want.

Changing perspective

No matter how hard we try, it's difficult to view the world and people around us without our lenses of cultural filters and past experiences.

Each one of us has an individual point of view that we use to judge situations, people and relationships which is not necessarily bad unless we operate from an inflexible, myopic and judgemental viewpoint.

Last week A asked us to keep a journal of our social interaction through the week and especially in tableaux that left us a little heated under the collar, we were encouraged to place ourselves in others' shoes and to see where differing opinions and the resultant behaviours diverged, and could possibly converge.

It is only when we see that other perspectives are possible that we are willing to change how we behave, to compromise and arrive at a rapprochement of sorts.

Instead of becoming possessed by our attachments, our undesirable habits and ignoble inclinations that cause us to stumble and fall again and again, we are invited in chapter eleven of Landmarks to recognize our enemies and trust our friends. To realize we can be enslaved by evil and to seek ways to be free of these enslavements which can occasionally parade as something good.

It completely amazes me how last week's readings made a complementary accompaniment to the daily reflections A set for us that culminated in today's: Wisdom 7:7-11, Hebrews 4:12-13 and Mark 10:17-30.*

Today's readings dovetailed neatly into the process of discernment we are invited by Margaret Silf to embody:

To ask for the gift of prudence, wisdom, that we prize above all material wealth. For if we live on God's wisdom, His Word, then we will be able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart, to fill daybreak with kindness and be joyous and glad all our days, giving glory through the work of our hands.

The story of the rich, young man speaks of our attachments that prevent us from following Christ more fully; that despite our desire to grow in intimacy with God, we are not willing to give up what we have, even our perceived weaknesses and faults which have become comfortable habits.

We refuse to undergo kenosis, the self-emptying of our will in order that we be completely receptive to divine will that will teach us who are our enemies and our friends within.

The ability to know which of our impulses, good and bad, come from God requires constant prayer and attention to what our reason and conscience tell us, and for us not just to rely on our senses and imagination.

Not only that, A also reminded us last Friday that we must be humble, open, trusting and full of courage.

In order to win "eternal life", we must move beyond our fears to put our entire fate into God's hands for all things humanly impossible are possible with God.

Even changing our perspective in our interactions with strangers, acquaintances, friends, colleagues, bosses, spouses, parents, siblings and children so that we can diminish differences, banishing ignorance and hate.

We are all made to praise, reverence and serve God for we come from Him and we belong to Him. If we hold on to this truth, then we will learn to live and breathe it.

And thus find God in all things.


* http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/101412.cfm

Parting thoughts

I had just mentioned his name to a client Monday morning intending for her to try Somatic Experiencing with him, so when I read about his death last night, I was in shock.

Although I met Azriel Cohen just twice in August, he made a great impact for he helped me find a way out of the "freeze" of desolation I had been in for some time. He reminded me how all things seemingly unsurpassable are not when I draw close to the Almighty. I had stepped back from that relationship and hence was lost. He helped me re-orient myself to the revelation of God's love once again.

We are all given many talents and in Azriel he paid homage to the Creator by answering the call to multiply his talents as much as possible. In his short visit to Singapore he had touched many lives and fired the minds and hearts of those he met even as he found time to paint beautifully, being an artist among many things.

With his passing I am reminded that the fluidity of life carries loss and death in its flow, except I tend to hold the gift of time too lightly in my estimation and undervalue its potency.

A vibrant life cut short in its glory is tragic. Yet for those who remain, we can honour that life by living as He did, embracing all humanity with openness and love, honing our talents to bring light where darkness previously existed and to be willing co-creators of truth, goodness and beauty in a world devoid of and thirsting for the sacred.

Rest well, dear Azriel, for your spirit lives on in the lives of those who were fortunate enough to have met and known you. Shalom.

http://www.jpost.com/NationalNews/Article.aspx?id=287201  

In favour of carrots

The Woman to Woman Ministry is now in chapter 10 of Margaret Silf's Landmarks and the ladies has been reflecting on how we cling to things - people, ideas, beliefs or behaviour - that are not life-giving.

What is evident from our collective sharing is that we all desire love and approval while we all fear rejection and betrayal.

We all seek to be loved for who we are in our unadorned vulnerabilities and insecurities, and to believe in the love of those we in turn love; to be in relationships of unshakeable commitment and a solid, forever-like trust.

And yet, we go about with masks on, and we manufacture personas for fear that the truths about our selfs will be too much for others to accept and we will ultimately be left alone. By so doing, we refuse to honour those we love, withholding our tender hearts and suspecting others of doing the same, thus creating a chasm of deception and dangerous bubbling below the surface resentments and  unresolved emotions.

We become attached to certain patterns of behaviour as we fear failure, not realizing that we have set ourselves up for failure until it is too late. We then lament the If onlys and we ponder the What ifs, the fears that keep us from attaining our deepest desires.

I just read an article on Arnold Schwarzenegger, an interview with him about his new book Total Recall and he speaks about the secrets and lies in his then marriage with Maria Shriver. He knowingly acted with dishonesty even though he knew it would cause pain to those who were closest to him.

"So the thing that really meant the most to me kind of fell apart because of my doing. That is something I will always look back and say, 'How could you have done that?'"

All of us, at some point in time, have uttered the same question to ourselves when we look back with remorse at how we destroyed something we prized. The question is do we continue to bumble along, repeating the same mistakes in our lives or do we seek change?

A reflection I read from Don Schwager last week really resonated with me:

Repentance demands change – a change of heart and way of life. God's word is life-giving and it saves us from destruction – the destruction of soul as well as body. Jesus' anger is directed toward sin and everything which hinders us from doing the will of God and receiving his blessing. In love he calls us to walk in his way of truth and freedom, grace and mercy, justice and holiness. Do you receive his word with faith and submission or with doubt and indifference?

The accompanying prayer he wrote was a call to us to remember that we are children of God and the virtues of being child-like:

Lord Jesus, give me the child-like simplicity and purity of faith to gaze upon your face with joy and confidence in your all-merciful love. Remove every doubt, fear, and proud thought which would hinder me from receiving your word with trust and humble submission.

Likewise Margeret Silf writes that God teaches us like the children that we are. He uses carrots, not sticks. He attracts us through our own deepest desires and not through threats of eternal punishment. He calls us to the joy of his presence by inviting us to discover, in our own deepest desires, his own overwhelming and passionate desire for us (page 162).

In attempting to rid ourselves of our dependencies, attachments, compulsions, crutches, idols, all the things that drag us down, we should rely not on our own energies and efforts but to "turn our attention to the holy mountain" and "journey towards it". Centre ourselves on God and give Him an openness of heart to reveal to us in His own time and way what we need to do.

I have found what Silf proposed in chapter 10 to be true. The stick of asceticism has not worked well for me, for it only leaves me in frozen desolation, so I have opted for the carrot lately.

Instead of giving in to crippling doubt and remaining stuck in dependency, I turn to Him humbly and trust Him to lead me, like a child who has complete faith in her loving parent who is guiding her. The outcome has been empowering resolve and fearlessness to act with significantly less effort as dreaded, and even enjoyment.

Life becomes an adventure when I walk up little trodden paths of risk where the beauty of serendipity delights frequently. In fact, I often pause in amazement at His wisdom and I am immensely grateful for the blessings of love He showers on me.

I am also dismayed at how little I trust in that love and how much I cling to the mediocrity of status quo and hiding behind masks, but I am working on it.

Perhaps it is fitting that today's psalm, Psalm 128, which is a song of ascent is one I meditate on this week.

Blessed are you who fear the Lord,
who walk in his ways!
For you shall eat the fruit of your handiwork;
blessed shall you be, and favoured.

Make mine an orange root vegetable.