Loves of a lifetime

I usually catch up on my movies on flights and the one from Amsterdam back afforded enough time to watch quite a number of movies. Among the movies I caught were The Vow and We Bought a Zoo which are both based on true stories and both mention a once in a lifetime love. Both stories espouse marital love that is giving and fulfilling but eventually ends in loss in different ways. Despite the loss of these "great loves", both men find ways to deal with their grief in ways that re-define them, bringing them new life and new love when they let go of the past. I wept when I watched both movies for this is how love should be and I want a man who would love me as selflessly as the two protagonists loved their wives. We all search for this "great love". I thought I had it once but it was not to be. I still want this love of a lifetime for I am a romantic at heart. But, I also know the pitfalls of making wrong choices, for I've been there before. It is the wisdom of hard earned experience that prevents me from making the same mistakes yet again (and grace of course).  Neediness born out of loneliness is my worst enemy. However, I know I am fortunate that I am mostly able to sublimate my desires and needs by finding creative ways to love and be loved and we are not talking sex here for I believe sex should be a sacred experience with one's spouse that promises much more than the slaking of physical urges. My mainstay is God. He is my foremost and only soul provider. Even in the depths of aching burning need, if I turn to Him, He will provide comfort in ways that remind me of how much He loves me. And should I not feel comforted, I have the strength of the Eucharist, Scripture and Tradition to prop me up and see me through the tough times. People see keeping on the straight and narrow as boring and as desirable as a bilious affliction, I like it for it prevents me from falling too fast and hard into a self-inflicted hell. While some might say faith is just my crutch, my "opiate", I say better than being addicted to alcohol, work, sex or other vices. Plus, as an old friend observed recently, I am happy. Certainly he sees a big difference in the me now and of the past where I was always full of angst and dissatisfied with life. I see and feel a big difference in me, too but it's nice to have validation nonetheless.  Having an active faith has engendered in me a heart of gratitude which means I now see the glass of my days more than half full, if not overflowing, than half empty. There is much in life to laugh about, be grateful for and to give thanks repeatedly. I am always blown away when I do my examen consciousness at how I have been given much. Faith has also yielded me fruit of the Spirit in abundance. I have been given love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. As today is Pentecost, I pray for more fruit and gifts to blossom forth. The ancient Greeks knew a thing or two such as: Know Thyself. I am on a lifelong journey of self-discovery in order to play to my strengths and parlay my weaknesses into perfection by grace (see 2 Cor 12:9). As a serious disciple of Life, self-knowledge is key in order that I may chart my path and make my life one worth living every day. The ability to find purpose and meaning in life is what colours my world and lights it up. Thus, if I know who I am, the person I am created to be, then I can actualize my self and become fully human; my resolution this year and for years to come for I realize I will never be done but it's worth shooting for. Despite not having a great love, I have many loves, people I hold dear, like my mother, my brothers, relatives, good friends and my Woman to Woman community. They are an integral part of my life and I appreciate how each of them makes my life richer and fuller on a daily basis. So even if I never found the love of my lifetime, I would still consider myself extremely blessed. I already have my cake and am enjoying it, even without the cherry on top. Lastly I enjoy very much what I do for a living, using my talent for teaching, and this gives me great pleasure. I look forward to each day and it is gratifying when I am able to make a positive impact on peoples' lives. While my job is one of my passions, it is not the only one. I pursue other passions outside of work that are equally soul-satisfying. They also involve using my creativity in life-affirming ways which I like. A lot. And that makes me happy. So while I hanker after what I do not have at times, the truth is I have enough love to last me a lifetime and if I reflect a little more, I have what I want. It's just not found in one person but in many. As I believe in the Trinitarian God, perhaps I should expand my mind a little so that I can accept that my "great love" is real, living and mine right now.

Serendipitous surreal

I just returned home from a vacation in Amsterdam with my mother and a couple of good gal pals and I have a profound sense of gratitude for all that we received during the trip.

Sure, it wasn't "perfect" for I caught a cold, it drizzled occasionally, and I got us lost a couple of times but we all enjoyed ourselves, walking and eating our way around the city as we took in its charms.

We visited Floriade twice, the World Horticultural Expo that is held once every decade - this was the reason I chose to vacation in Amsterdam, and to fulfil a promise I made 10 years ago.

Our shared love of flowers was rewarded amply by the magnificence of the tulips and other spring flowers in Keukenhof and the wonderful floral displays and landscapes of Floriade in Venlo. That there was plenty to buy at great value in some of the country pavilions we visited made it even sweeter, and merrier (we are bargain-loving Singaporeans, after all).

The sights, sounds and smells of springtime invigorated us and I felt glad to be alive to bear witness to the beauty around me. When humans and God co-create, the world is indeed more joyously beautiful, be it gardens, art, buildings, canals or polders.

God's blessings were truly upon us the entire trip for at every turn, He guided us or sent angels our way to steer us back in the right direction when we got lost.

Then there was the sheer coincidence of a choral performance by the Pacific Spirit Choir in Begijnhof's chapel, the chance celebration of Israel's Independence Day in Floriade which we enjoyed tremendously, the Ceramics Festival in Gouda and an Ascension Day feast in the lovely restaurant De Kas.

Even when we got really lost, there were new and delightful things to discover - some of my best shots came from unintentionally meandering our way to Winkel 43 for the most scrumpelicious apple pie in Amsterdam (we finally got there via the shortest route on the third try).

Best of all, the bonds of love and friendship were tested and renewed, cemented by shared laughter and experiences.

Now that I am home, my eyes are still attuned to the beauty of nature and I have a refreshed appreciation of the tropical flora and fauna around me. This, for me, is perhaps the best thing about travel, the ability to look at things with new eyes and a heart filled with wonder.

And for all the moments of serendipity and grace in those 11 glorious days, I can only sing as Israeli band Habibi did in their closing number: Hallelujah!

Exiles on the way home

Yesterday evening E and I had a drink together, commiserating on how growing old can be pretty grim and a potentially lonely, painful journey. So it was natural to wonder what will happen to each of us when we single women grow old? Who will look after me? Will I die lonely and sad?

The way I deal with that eventual future is to not think too much about it and to leave it in God's hands for I truly believe He will provide. Plus, it is best to focus on what I should be doing today for I don't even do a very good job with the present. 

As Father Arro brought up in a recent Easter homily, we are an agitated people, like the disciples in the upper room, full of fears and anxiety and the best remedy is to meditate on the goodness of God. To rise up and meet Jesus; hear him say, "Do not be afraid," and to live in His smiles, the God-incidences of life. I am always amazed at how things that I worry about turn out fine even if it is not the way I would have imagined or wanted.

It is 50 years since Vatican II, an Ecumenical Council which brought about a change in how the Church saw her role in the modern world and attending a talk on it last week brought me fresh insights on how I should be living my life.

The heart of Vatican II lay in aggiornamento which is a movement to bring things up to date with a spirit of change and open-mindedness through ressourcement, a return to the source; to the traditions and symbols of the early Church. A study of history to effect change for the better.

I find this hearkening to the past a great way to move forward for learning more about my religious heritage arms me with a clarified faith that bodes well for the future, as does drawing lessons from my own past.

Reading Lumen Gentium, Light of the Nations, as recommended by Arthur Goh for Catholics who want to know what we profess faith in (out of the 16 Vatican II documents) has been inspiring.

Besides reminding us that God is mystery and that we are all called to union, a personal relationship with this invisible God through the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, the document reminds us that we are pilgrims on the way, exiles whose true home lies beyond this realm.

Although we have to live with mystery, we have been gifted with the Holy Spirit and thus our faith grants us wisdom to answer the call to holiness (to be who we are), and to live in this temporary home with grace and dignity.

While it is instinctive to seek permanence in life and to fear change as detrimental, especially the changes wrought by growing older, if I view my current life as an opportunity to bring me closer to the Kingdom of Heaven, then I can aspire to do as Saint Therese of Lisieux did, "to spend my heaven doing good on earth", and I will not fear what lies ahead.

As for the pain, loss, suffering and loneliness that is to come, it too will pass, and home awaits.

God alone suffices

I finally caved in recently and bought an iPad2 for I saw how a number of my fellow instructors were using it as a teaching aid and for workout programming and I thought that it was a great idea.

Needless to say I have been using it for all kinds of other stuff besides work and it is addictive. eBooks, games... I really get why gamblers cannot leave the table, looking for the next big win.

In order to curb my compulsive habit with regards to a particular game, I had to delete an app for I have the willpower of a starving person standing in front of a sumptuous buffet spread. Not good.

Just because we can do something does not mean we should do it. There is a huge difference between can and should. Technology is a big culprit when it comes to making wise choices about how we use it for we seem to apply an "anything goes" attitude and a hedonistic morality.

The virtual nature of the web has dehumanized our decisions. We reveal intimate details about our lives with no thought for the appropriateness of our actions and its possible repercussions.

Loneliness or restlessness nudges us to communicate with others in chat rooms, but in such a manner that is often not healthy for relationships are often one-dimensional and predicated on feeding selfish, personal needs only.

Then there is the addictive quality of gaming leading to bizarre but real life stories of parents who let an infant starve to death for they were busy looking after a virtual baby.

There is no more space for silence to live or for stillness to breathe and blossom into a full blown "conversation" with our Maker that enables us to consistently see truth and meaning in our lives.

Instead we pursue things that do not satisfy and convince ourselves that more of the same thing is the road to our personal happiness.

Thus, I read with interest Pope Benedict's recent birthday homily and found it personally enriching. He spoke of three things that have coloured his life.

The first is Bernadette Soubirous, a poor, uneducated French girl who because she was "pure and genuine in heart", was able see Mother Mary who led her to discover a source of "living water", "water that gives purity and health", that is now the site of many miraculous healings in Lourdes.

The Pope goes on to elaborate:

I think we can consider this water as an image of the truth that comes to us in faith: truth not simulated but uncontaminated. In fact, to be able to live, to be able to become pure, we are in need of having in us the nostalgia of the pure life, of the truth that is not distorted, of what is not contaminated by corruption, of being men without stain. See how this day, this little Saint has always been for me a sign that has indicated where the living water comes from of which we are in need – the water that purifies us and gives us life -- and a sign of how we should be: with all the knowledge and all the capacities, which also are necessary, we must not lose the simple heart, the simple look of the heart, capable of seeing the essential, and we must always pray to the Lord that we preserve in us the humility that enables the heart to be clear-sighted – to see what is simple and essential, the beauty and goodness of God – and thus find the source from which the water comes that gives life and purifies.

The second person who has inspired him is Benedict Joseph Labre, "the pious mendicant pilgrim of the 18th century" who traversed Europe in search of all its shrines in fulfilment of his personal calling.

Pope Ben had this to say of his namesake:

We can also say: a somewhat particular Saint who, begging, wandered from one shrine to another and wished to do nothing other than pray and with this give witness to what matters in this life: God. He certainly does not represent an example to emulate, but he is a, a finger pointing to the essential. He shows us that God alone suffices, that beyond all that in this world, beyond our needs and capacities, what counts, the essential is to know God. He alone suffices. And this “God alone” he indicates to us in a dramatic way.

...makes evident that he who opens himself to God is no stranger to the world or to men, rather he finds brothers, because on God’s side, borders fall, God alone can eliminate borders because thanks to Him we are all only brothers, we are part of one another; it renders present that the oneness of God means, at the same time, the brotherhood and reconciliation of men, the demolishing of borders that unites and heals us

The third thing is not a person but the "Paschal Mystery". For he was born to parents who lived in uncertain times yet were open to God's will in their lives and imparted their singular faith to their son since his baptism on Holy Saturday.

On the same day I was born, thanks to the care of my parents, I was also reborn by water and the Spirit, as we just heard in the Gospel. In the first place, there is the gift of life that my parents gave me in very difficult times, and for which I owe them my gratitude. However, it is not taken for granted that man’s life is in itself a gift. Can it really be a beautiful gift? Do we know what is incumbent on man in the dark times he is facing – also in those more luminous ones that might come? Can we foresee to what anxieties, to what terrible events he might be exposed? Is it right to give life thus, simply? Is it responsible or is it too uncertain? It is a problematic gift if it remains independent. Biological life of itself is a gift, and yet it is surrounded by a great question. It becomes a real gift only if, together with it, one can make a promise that is stronger than any misfortune that can threaten one, if it is immersed in a force that guarantees that it is good to be man, that for this person it is a good no matter what the future might bring. Thus, associated to birth is rebirth, the certainty that, in truth, it is good for us to be, because the promise is stronger than the threats.

This is the meaning of rebirth from water and the Spirit: to be immersed in the promise that God alone can make: it is good that you are, and it is true regardless of what happens. From this certainty, I have been able to live, reborn by water and the Spirit. Nicodemus asks the Lord: “Can an old man be born again?” Now, rebirth is given to us in Baptism, but we must grow continually in it, we must always let ourselves me immersed in God’s promise, to be truly reborn in the great, new family of God which is stronger than all the weaknesses and all the negative powers that threaten us. This is why this is a day of great thanksgiving.

In this homily are all the ingredients to the richness of contentment in life, through all the travails of life: a faith that seeks God only, one that is pure, humble and simple, and therefore life-giving, like water. For God alone suffices because He is the light that "is stronger than any darkness" whose "goodness is stronger than any evil of this world".

I give thanks for his wise words and am reminded that new toys can bring pleasure, but the essential things in life can be found only when one is stripped of all distraction, pretence and worldly adornment. I would do well to keep my focus on God alone.

To read the entire homily, go to: http://www.zenit.org/article-34615?l=english