Covenant and blessing

Baby bro and I were chatting and he doesn't believe in marriage, hardly surprising for it is a belief shared by more and more people the world over.

Living together seems to be the simpler and more sincere option given how many marriages end in divorce.

While I have always believed in the sanctity of marital vows, I do question if it's worth the effort to try and find someone, given the disposable mind-set of most people today.

Plus, is it possible to find someone who takes commitment seriously and sees it as freedom-giving, rather than freedom-constricting?

Someone who sees that men and women are created for union - a permanent union where vows are exchanged to seal the relationship in a special way that speaks of undying, unconditional love, the commitment of fidelity and the blessing of fruitfulness.

The marital covenant is still something men and women seek (if we are truly honest with each other) for we all want a special someone who will love us and be there for us through good and bad times.

Living together does not cut it even though it may look attractive, for there is always the unspoken rule that either party could walk, and without the formality of a covenant, there is less push to make it work when things go south (which they will for there will be peaks and troughs in any relationship).

The marital covenant is there to remind us to become better people, to not be quitters in life. It also requires work which is the sticking point for most couples today who want all of the pleasure and none of the pain. Or who walk into marriage with unrealistic and selfish expectations.

As both baby bro and I have been in relationships where we thought we had found The One only to be disappointed, both he and I are battle-scarred cautious when it comes to love, and not a little cynical.

Are there any good men, or good women left in the world?

I have begun to view singlehood as my penultimate state of life for I am comfortable and fulfilled where I am and I view “relationships” are a dark, cold chasm I am unwilling to venture down even though deep within my heart there is a place where the marriage light shines feebly.

The risk of getting my heart broken again just seems unattractive and most unwise.

Last night we were discussing Abraham and I have always thought he was the model of faithfulness until Jeff Cavins* pointed out instances where even Abraham showed that he did not completely trust God.

Abraham had his own insurance policies in the form of Lot and Hagar for he could not quite believe the blessings of fruitfulness God wished to bestow on him.

In many ways I am like Abraham, I cannot quite believe the blessings that are mine and I do not act in ways that would demonstrate I am indeed open to the blessings.

To walk by faith is an unending series of actions that require conscious thought and effort and there are days where I'd rather coast or backslide. Mediocrity and complacency are my insurance policies (sadly enough).

My one hope is that like Abraham I may stumble, but I will also keep growing in faith to the point where I trust completely that He will provide and be willing to be open to God in all areas of my life whether it be love life or vocation.

Life is indeed an adventure with many twists and turns but how I advance is up to me. I can keep going back to the start, as Abraham did initially, or I can finally let go and let God and journey towards claiming my blessing.

Hopefully I get there sooner than Abraham did.

* I am doing Jeff Cavins' The Bible Timeline which is a wonderful way to get acquainted with the Bible.

Multiplication miracle

J and N got married yesterday and it was a beautiful and unique wedding. Both bride and groom stamped their personalities on the celebration and it was irrepressibly joyous and a gorgeous image of God's love in the couple's very human quirkiness.

One thing that really stood out for me was how central God was in their lives and therefore every part of the wedding ceremony was special: they had a network of like-minded friends and relatives who volunteered their services to bring the wedding mass to life – from the witnessing priest down to the altar boys, no one who participated in the mass was a stranger.

It was a true community effort. The Gospel reading they chose was the theme of their journey that finally culminated in yesterday's nuptial celebration: the miracle of five loaves and two fishes.

God has truly been a God of surprises in their relationship and it’s been a joy for me to witness the delightful surprises He has sprung on them along the way, mainly because they have both surrendered their relationship to Him.

Father David in his homily spoke of how significant decisions like the decision to marry are bigger than all of us (even if we think that decisions that we make are a private matter between God and us) for we are all connected in some way, chiefly we all have the same Maker and He has created us for one purpose only: “God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange.” (CCC221*)  

We are invited to participate in God’s ultimate plan of love and marriage is one of the ways we can flesh out this invitation on earth.

For J and N, yesterday marks the first day of that plan as they become for the other the means by which they get to heaven as they bless each other with their committed and sustained fidelity and sanctify each other with a love that is naked without shame. 

I recently remarked to my cousin that I did not know what plans God had for me for He has recently revealed possibilities that were pretty disparate. Despite my human need for clarity, I know that I must be open to surprise, that is, like J and N, be open to God’s direction in my life and to also be open to His timeframe.

Father Arro today commented that if we do not let God’s Word germinate in us, watering it with silence and a listening heart, then we will not be able to see the blossoms of surprises that God has in store for us.

We will constantly miss the opportunities to see the multiplication of loaves and fishes in our own lives if we do not let go of our own fears, wounds and distorted perceptions; and if we persist in tunnel vision or a mindset that eschews change.

We will turn our back on miracles that “will prosper” (Jeremiah 29:11) us.

My sincere wish for J and N is that they will continue to experience much joy in being gift to each other and that they will witness as many miracles of grace that God chooses to bestow on them.

As for myself, I will continue to "groan inwardly"(Romans 8:22-23) with my need to cultivate humility and patience, and hope that I will see the miracle of multiplication in my life no matter what happens.

*Catechism of the Catholic Church

Gratitude and forgiveness

A was sharing with me when we met for breakfast a passage she really liked from Martin Seligman's book Authentic Happiness which talks about gratitude and forgiveness as being important in the search for happiness.

And just yesterday, Brother Terence was commenting on the wide disparity between the number of petitions compared to the number of thanksgiving prayers reported at each novena.

It was a timely reminder for me as I have had to exercise forgiveness in a number of situations this last week. I have also experienced many things to be grateful for and there were times I was not suitably thankful (the bane of being a highly critical person).

It isn't easy to work with people who are vastly different in outlook, temperament and motivation. I get impatient when people don't seem to be on the same page as I am (which is naturally the right page), and I have to remind myself we are on the same team, especially when I get irritated by something silly someone said.

But people like these are easy to forgive, it's those whom I love that are harder to forgive when they hurt me and make me angry, sad or disappointed.

Love complicates things. Because not only do we have to contend with how a loved one's actions made us feel, we also have to grapple with our own reactive emotions about ourselves.

When we are exposed as foolish or gullible in how we choose to love, forgiving someone who is mean or nasty to us is not easy for we sometimes cannot forgive our own foolishness.

Only fools get taken in twice or choose to persist in loving someone who is hurtful and hateful.

Even the wisdom of knowing I am doing the right thing does not make me feel better.

Forgiveness is a choice I have to consciously make, again and again, despite the maelstrom of negative emotions within me - this is possible only if I am humble enough to realize I cannot do it on my own and must rely on God's grace. 

Perhaps today's Gospel says it all, to have a child's wholehearted acceptance of Jesus' invitation to rest in Him, to learn to be gentle and humble of heart as He is, that is the way to find rest for my soul. (Matthew 11:25-30)

Rather than focus on the hurts I have received, I will lay my hurts, my burdens at His feet and allow Him to teach me how to let them go, and let Him transform me (not others who need to change their ways).

And rather than judge the imperfect situations, the less-than-ideal relationships and the ways I fall short despite my desire to be good, I will focus on being grateful for where I am right now, for all the love and graces I have received thus far.

I thus, give thanks, and sing praise, in the words of Isaiah*.

I will greatly rejoice in the LORD,
my whole being shall exult in my God;
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
ad as a bride adorns herself with jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its shoots,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring up,

May my heart always be fertile ground for the Lord's wisdom and compassion so that I can find a real and lasting happiness in spite of life's follies and caprices.

* Isaiah 61:10-11