My magnificat

You, O Lord, are my strength and my shield,
Without you I would lose hope and yield
To darkness, despair, unending death.
Instead you raise me up, give me wealth,
Riches beyond imagination.
Of love, hope, faith, joy and a vision.
To light the world by being woman
A gift to all, inspiring women.
As I have been nourished by Mary,
Anna, Hannah, Martha and Mary.
Women who have gone ahead of me.
Taught me about You and how to be
Filled with passion and transcendent grace,
Jesus to you alone, I give praise.

* Last Friday after A. expounded on Hannah (thanks A. for such an insightful and deep teaching), she encouraged us to write our own canticles, to be inspired by the Spirit, as Hannah and Mother Mary were.

Seven

Seven is the number of years it took me

To celebrate your life without tears.

You were the rain and the wind,

The storm I scurried from at first

Growl of thunder and blinding lightning.

Cowering with fear, a little girl again

While the adult me was seething with suppressed anger,

Frustrated that I couldn't be honest with you,

 Love you freely as other daughters loved their fathers.

 Through a spectrum of different intensities

That had a delicate snowflake tenderness,

Free of frostbitten hurts and frozen brokenness.

You made me weep for lost opportunities and forlorn regrets.

Why could we not steamroll beyond the snowdrifts of our past?


Seven is the number of years since I've found

A living faith that mirrors your own conviction,

That was forged in the crucible of great suffering

And where you regained your youthful ideals,

So crystalline pure, exuding a perfumed peace.

Past indignities began to melt as I sat at your feet.

Could going home be more poignantly beautiful?

The young sapling planted has grown deep roots

And sprouted into a sturdy tree with glossy emerald foliage,

Laden with ruby red fruit, peachy fuzzy fragrant,

It pays homage to the spirit of your being,

The God-likeness you left me as inheritance.

My soul is enriched with lashings of joy unsurpassed

Grace upon grace, it multiplies seven-fold.

Stillness for nothingness

I recently deactivated  my Facebook account. Over time, I have grown increasingly uncomfortable with the lack of privacy, the "show all, tell all" culture of FB and the constant invitation to be a voyeur, peeking into the lives of people I don't even know well.

I suppose blogs are similar in that way but the difference is that I have control over what I share in my blog whereas on FB, I don't always have that option.

Someone may post a photo of me, a private moment that I do not wish a world of strangers to see. The photo may be in circulation to only a select few, however, all it takes is for one of the recipients of the digital image to post a comment or forward it and the image takes on a new public life of its own.

The second reason why I quit FB is that I had begun to spend too much time on it, playing games and just being completely unproductive and disconnected to the real world as I plug into its virtual attractions.

It's alarming how strangely void my life feels without it, although I know I can definitely put my time to better use (and hopefully not exchange it for another addiction).

Sometimes, it's the seemingly innocuous things that require the most vigilance. When I began to lose sleep whiling away my time on FB, I knew it was time to stop.

While technology has definitely enhanced communication, the improper use of technology has spawned a plethora of new evils in the world such as the exponential increase of child predators and a thriving pornography trade; addictive behaviours that have led to the destruction of marriages, family and social structures; and a general lowering of moral standards as people live more and more in relativistic, virtual, fantasy worlds, divorced from reality.

Among its lesser evils are addictions like mine, or the need to continually upgrade and acquire the latest technology has to offer, regardless of whether the current phone/computer/digital camera is still functional.

Technology is not a bad thing, but an inordinate attachment to any of its offerings, resulting in the neglect of one’s duties or the body’s need for sleep, fellowship (chat rooms or virtual relationships cannot replace face to face encounters) or exercise (our bodies are created for movement even in hot and humid Singapore) is not healthy.

Having had a chance to reflect on my life this past weekend, I can see that I've allowed too many distractions into my life and there is a need to simplify. To re-focus and de-clutter my life.

Esther Fong’s presentation on discernment during the ICPE-led “Know Christ and Make Him Known” Weekend Retreat at the FMM House of Prayer was an excellent reminder to me to make discernment a lifestyle choice and to use what is left of my time on earth well, living every moment of my life meaningfully and mindfully.

As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and I have therefore renewed my commitment to spending at least 30 minutes in solitude to pray and reflect - a requisite for discernment is to “be still” - putting the time that I have freed up from FB to better use.

Mystic St. John of the Cross wrote in The Ascent of Mount Carmel:

To reach satisfaction in all

desire its possession in nothing.

To come to possession in all

desire the possession of nothing.

To arrive at being all

desire to be nothing.

As I enter into this reflective season in my life, I make the words of John of the Cross mine for only in nothingness will I find what I am searching for. Always.

Forty-six

I’ve finally made it to the mid-way mark.

And it’s great to be at home in my skin.

It took me a while to quiet the din,

Of chaos caused by thrashing through the dark.

Should’ve known life would be bitter and tart,

Although of late, it’s been chocolatey sweet.

Spring lilies adorn the earth at his feet,

Bathed in tears for the years we were apart.  

Even if winter is icy and hard,

Blossoms can thrive in the garden within,

Heavenly scented, healing kith and kin,

A gift of love distilled into pure nard.

As I receive I give back in fullness

His gaze holds mine in the heart of stillness.

Pure desire

Exactly a week ago I went for my first secondary school reunion and it was an enlightening and affirming experience.

I was not sure initially if I wanted to go for memories of feeling bad about school were as clear as if it were yesterday.

As a teen, I was insecure and most unprepossessing, awkward in my own skin even as I was invisible.

I also felt inferior and would envy the confidence of the "cool" girls even as I detested them for their youthful insouciance.

So why would I want to see people who made me feel bad about myself?

And that was precisely why I decided to go - to challenge myself and to see whether I have grown beyond being Ms. FadeIntoTheWalls.

I had a blast for I managed to meet classmates who had made me laugh and brought back memories of fun, schoolgirl high jinks and endearing naivete.  

By Singaporean standards, I had every reason to feel inferior for my recent career choices have been unconventional and do not grant me great financial gains, power or status and, let me tell ya,  there were some very successful and accomplished women in the room.

I was instead glad that I could appreciate and celebrate their successes, while I was secure enough in my own worth as a woman who was living a life of integrity and authenticity, brimming with abundance.

It was nice to know that I have become an adult, no longer a slave to her childish distortions and neuroses. A woman with a distinctive identity, spirituality and feminine genius.

This afternoon I shared the above experience during the panel discussion of an ICPE-led event called Man. Woman. Celebrating Our Sexuality* for this story illustrates the difference between the love-hungry teen that I was and the fulfilled woman that I am now.

I am grateful for all that I have become and that I am, as Anna Capello put it, "living in purity for I am able to accept and receive my sexuality from God, the truth of who I am". What a lovely way to look at purity - thank you, Anna.    

Purity matters greatly to me for one of my earliest memories of God comes from the pure, innocent love that I felt for God, as a seven-year-old, and how in that moment He was extremely real to me.

When I lost that purity, I mourned and missed it and spent years looking for it. When I regained it, I was determined never to lose it again. It is, incidentally, the beatitude that resonates most strongly with me - to be pure of heart.

Purity is not easy to achieve for we live in a world of temptation and it was clearly established by Fr. David Garcia that we are only free of sexual temptation 10 minutes after we are dead. 

Levity aside, I know that the only chance I have to ensure my desire for purity is attained is to stay close to the source. So that when I am tempted, I will have the strength of the Spirit to help me overcome it.

Anna's husband, Mario, proposed that sexual salvation is for one and all and he gave everyone present a few more suggestions like:

* Availing yourself of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist regularly
* Giving your heart over to the Lord (Proverbs 23:26)
* Re-symbolize the places that lead you away from God's plan
* Making small daily choices that demonstrate self-mastery (as Terence Anthony put it during the discussion if we cannot be faithful in small ways then we will not be able to be faithful in big ones and his way of making a choice is to fast on Wednesdays)
* Taking a stand of being a protector and not a predator
* Cultivating healthy relationships with men and women
* Accountability of your conduct to a few trusted friends
* "Nip it in the bud!"
* When you fail, get back on your feet and run to Christ.

Pope Benedict XVI has this to say about the pure heart in Jesus of Nazareth:

"The pure heart is the loving heart that enters into communion of service and obedience with Jesus Christ. Love is the fire that purifies and unifies intellect, will and emotion, thereby making man one with himself, inasmuch as it makes him one in God's eyes."

So if I remain open to God's love for me, I will always be able to see and hear Him. And doing His will would be clear, although not all that easy when temptation rears its pesky and dangerous head.

So Lord, grant that my desire for purity, to be pure of heart, will always outweigh all other desires.

* Anna and Mario Capello shared the vision of John Paul II's Theology of the Body. In TOB, the late pope gave us a new language of sexuality that enables us to understand our desires and order them such that  we can live fulfilled lives of freedom.

Modelling Anna

Healing takes time. So I discovered when I was grieving the loss of my father, and when I parted with my last boyfriend.

I remember wishing I could fast forward to six months later and skip the unavoidable, incredible pain and the copious tears.

I also remember that after I had struggled passed that six-month mark, everything was indeed better. Not as far along the grieving process as I might have wished, but bearable. I was alive and the sun was shining.

Then I wished for the next six months to disappear in a flash. And the next six, and the next six.

Here I am again wishing I could fast forward the next five months. It's been over a month since the surgery and while I have progressed a great deal in terms of healing, I am not where I want to be.

It's exasperating to still feel pain and tire so easily. To be limited in living as I used to, unable to move and challenge my body in ways that make me feel alive and good about myself.

J. and E. keep warning me this is the dangerous period where I think I can but I actually can't, and when I realize I can't, it would be too late. I know they are right but it's difficult for me - like asking a child to walk and not run when she spots the ocean for the first time.

My fear is that I will never be the same again, strength and flexibility wise, and I am not liking it, this potential loss, but knowing that I will work through it, as I have in more devastating instances.

Loss is something we experience on a daily basis. Some easier to accept (like the loss of millions of cells each second) than others that require a lengthy process of healing.

Sometimes what is lost is permanent, marking significant change in our lives. But these are the losses that are the most transformational and can be the most enriching. Given time.

The healing process of grieving the loss, asking the why questions and at times crafting answers where there are none is labourious and protracted.

For the challenge lies in living meaningfully with great courage, hope, fortitude and integrity in the aftermath of deep loss, whether we are as yet successful in shaking free the shackles of heartbreak, anger and bitterness.

Even though my current loss is mostly temporary and physical, I still wait on the ultimate Healer to heal, and to lead me through the changeable and tempestuous winds of life.

When I get impatient or disheartened, as I am wont to, I look to Anna, who faithfully fasted and prayed, living in the temple until she finally gets to see the Messiah baby in her twilight years.

Her quiet heroism inspires me. Her determination to praise and glorify God night and day in the confines of her seemingly bleak and interminable years of widowhood displays unlimited trust. True faith.

So I continue to wait. To heal in time. But as I wait, I can still serve and worship.

Just like Anna.


NB: Last Friday, D. shared this beautiful song by John Waller While I'm Waiting that says it all -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8&feature=related