Sad endings revisited

Ever since I was young, I've hated sad endings, whether in real life or fiction. I would take every misunderstanding, every tragedy, every loss personally. To the point of intense sorrow and tears.

Why was Joan of Arc burned at the stake when she was only being truthful, obedient to God, brave and selfless?

Why did To Kill a Mockingbird's Tom Robinson, a good and kind man, get thrown into jail for a "crime" he did not commit, and later die so undeservedly, shot in the back 17 times?

Why did Sydney Carton love Lucie Manette who instead loved and married Charles Damay (I so hate love triangles, too!) and why did Sydney have to die by going to the guillotine in place of Charles in his act of sacrificial love for Lucie?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why must disease, conflict, disaster, violence and death exist?

Why can't we go back to paradise, post-Fall, especially since Christ has already redeemed the world over 2,000 years ago?

Even today, as an adult, my sense of justice cries for answers when misfortune strikes the lives of people I love, people I know and those I do not know but share the bond of humanity with.

It's hard to retain hope when the world seems impossibly dark, beyond redemption, and the future unremittingly bleak.

My response has always been to fight to believe in better days to come and to try and right the wrong. Or agonize incessantly over the situation and walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

It's only in the past decade that I have learned to let go and let God take over.

After all, I am not the Messiah who has already accomplished His mission. And even though I cannot be in paradise today, I know I will get there when I die (with God's grace, of course).
 
One other notable difference that comes from my renewed faith is that I know that the kingdom of God can be experienced today, and, I can play a part in bringing life to this kingdom. How?

By "renouncing myself" and "taking up my cross". It all made perfect sense to me when Fr. Arro said last Sunday that the act of renouncing was to rid myself of anger, bitterness and hatred, and that of taking up my cross was to love unto death, even when continually and widely rejected and persecuted.

Love translated into acts of compassion, forgiveness, mercy, optimistic hope, radiating joy, tranquility and a deep, steadfast Marian faith.

For what is faith if not a light of love, flickering with hope, in the dark night of suffering?

I can now accept that situations that cause suffering and grief will always be part of life and it is in my loving response that I can make a difference.  

In instances where the situation is beyond my influence, I can pray for grace. I can pray knowing full well that while God did not cause the suffering, He can, like an alchemist, transform affected lives.

Miracles and blessings can emerge just as a desert is carpeted in a glory of brightly hued  petals after the rain.

Sad endings can become triumphs of the human spirit.

Sad endings can be conduits for prodigious change.

Like death on the cross to resurrection, to ascension and a Pentecostal revolution.

I suppose I could be persuaded to see the good in sad endings.


NB: This entry is dedicated to K, may you find the 'bow in the sky in time to come. Hugs.



Mother & child living in a village outside Phnom Penh, rebuilding life after the horrific genocide that swept the capital of Cambodia in the 70s.

Eat to heal

It's just over a month since my surgery and I am still wending my way as judiciously as I can through the healing process. (BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I am cancer-free, PTL!)

It can be frustrating for I am still unable to do normal stuff, nor should I try for fear of doing injury to my body. Recovery is slow and moving at granny speed is tedious but essential.  

Despite all that, I've enjoyed this time of convalescing for Mum has kept me company and I've even managed to teach her how to do a basic stir-fry.

Yes, we have been cooking big time - two meals almost every day. It's a little tiring but eating nourishing, home-cooked food has been vital for the restoration of my health.

It started with my Aunty S., Dad's sister, who came to my home the minute I got home from the hospital and cooked me lunch and dinner for the first week and subsequently popped by from time to time. I am ever-grateful for her love and care when I needed it most. 

She has inspired my taste buds and fired my interest in cooking with more thought put into preparing dishes that are not only delicious but will provide the needed nutrients in a way that goes beyond eating fruit for the fibre and vitamins needed by the body.  
 
Poring over recipes, consulting with Aunty S. and my brother J., I am awed at the level of sophistication the Chinese have in approaching something as fundamental as food.

How each ingredient is carefully selected and painstakingly prepared so that the final dish will be a lip-smacking marriage of flavours, textures and nutrients, designed to bring the body back into balance.

I am still a little lost at the many and complex combination of herbs in the brewing of restorative soups and tonics, but the concept of harmony to ensure health - balancing the yin (cooling*/feminine) and yang (heaty*/masculine) - is fascinating.

It's been great fun re-discovering my Cantonese roots and, of course, I now wish I had paid more attention to what my grandmother cooked, taking notes. Never mind, I still have Aunty S.

For the last seven years, I have been seeking balance and harmony through formation, growth and integration.

Although I've sorted out many answers to the meaning of life and my life, in particular, I am still deciphering my vocation, realizing all the while that it will be a journey of constant change and refinement.

This month of resting, cooking, eating and healing has brought into focus the importance of harmony within the body and it has answered partially the question What next? that I have been asking myself.

The body: restoring it to health when needed, maintaining health and preventing illness. I simply need to explore which What next? now.

Even as I continue to cook, eat and heal first.



* To understand what is meant by heaty or cooling foods, go to: http://ezinearticles.com/?Heaty-and-Cooling-Foods&id=461430

Affirmative action

I will be part of a panel discussion in July on how men and women can celebrate sexuality in such a way that we live lives of abundance and fullness.

So I thought I better start thinking of what I would say as I will be giving my point of view as a single woman.

Whether single, married or in-between (as E. put it today), we all want to be happy, we all want to be loved and we want to be cherished and fulfilled by love.

Seeing as both men and women are created for "marriage", to be perfect foils, bringing out the best in each other by being in a unifying and giving relationship, how can singles, single parents, those who are unhappily married and those who separated or divorced, how can we all achieve a level of fulfillment that is purportedly reserved for happily married people?

I discovered in 2003 I was created for marriage and motherhood. So what did this mean for me, who was neither married nor a mother, and seven years on is still neither?

The epiphany was an invitation from Jesus, to allow him to be my spouse, the man who could give me everything I desired for it was He who put my passions, my desires within me, especially this vocation of marriage and motherhood.

In accepting the unusual invitation - if building a living and intimate relationship with someone who does not have a corporeal presence in today's world of fleshly desires is not unusual, I do not know what is - I have gained the ideal husband and lover i.e. if I keep saying yes to the invitation.

Saying yes is not easy. Neither does it get easier.

I have had to trust with an open heart and singular faith, sailing roiling, uncharted waters I would never have ventured if not for Him.

Fidelity, the uncompromising badge of spousal love, is a full-time commitment even when I don't feel like it, even when I am afraid, uncertain and in darkest despair.

Plus life is hardly hunky dory all the time. There is conflict, trouble, violence, betrayal, sickness, death, tragedy, loss, hurt, abuse, and loneliness.

I sometimes question if it's all worthwhile even when I know, deep in my heart, that it is.

So why do I keep saying yes?

My answer hinges on last Sunday's gospel from Luke: the sinful woman with the jar of alabaster, who enters the room where Jesus is and stands behind Him weeping, then proceeds to wipe her tears from off His feet with her hair and to anoint His feet with kisses and costly ointment from her jar.

Like her, I am a sinner with a less than pristine past. Like her, I am the debtor with the bigger debt to be forgiven and therefore I am the one who "loves more" because I am "forgiven" much.

While I do not advocate the practice of self-flagellation, self-awareness through self-examination is necessary for spiritual and emotional growth and for a healthy conscience to keep operating at optimum levels.

In being able to articulate my sins and to believe I can be forgiven my sins, I am given the peace of redemptive absolution and an ever-growing capacity for love - both to receive and to give.

Thus I am able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality as woman through this amazing spousal relationship I have with Jesus.

I am loved and cherished as a spouse and mother, and I can love as a spouse and mother. In this ongoing exchange of love, I am fulfilled, as only a happily married woman can be.

All I have to do is say yes, and keep on doing so.

Intimacy's diversity

I just got off the phone from a rare chat with an ex-boyfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation, as did he, both of us loathe to end the conversation for the strong connection that still exists between the two of us.

We spent an hour pleasantly catching up: what we've been up to and recent events and ideas that have made an impact on our lives.

It was a conversation of shared intimacy, a meeting of minds, that enriched us both while building another cord of warm affection in our bond of friendship.

This is platonic friendship at its best. No expectations. Just simple gratitude for what it is, and for the occasional opportunity where we share our lives with love. 

In today's lingo, "friends with benefits" means a relationship between man and woman with no strings attached or any romantic allusions, but one which  includes sex. An antithesis to JPII's  Theology of the Body for man and woman use each other for selfish gratification without truly appreciating and respecting the dignity of the other.

Conversely what D. and I have is a failed romantic relationship, and a friendship that survives for we also accepted and loved the other for who we were - and we still do.

In mutually respecting the changed boundaries of a platonic friendship, we are both blessed with a hard-to-come-by relationship between the sexes where purity exists in love.

It's this purity I value for it allows me to love freely without wanting more, and my life is enriched, my femininity affirmed, without my dignity being sullied. I am filled without my craving for more.

And I value my worth sufficiently to be able to deal with the sporadic hunger pang in a way that increases my self-worth through the grace of discipline and self-mastery.

While men and women are made for love, the world today has bought into the ideal of love being romantic love, and a crude understanding of sexuality and carnality being bed partners, thereby reducing love into a longed for and prized erotic exchange of bodily fluids.

This belief perpetuated by media, art, music and a "culture of death" leaves men and women starved for intimacy, with very little ability to receive a perceived worthwhile or valued love in any way other than a romantic or sexual liaison. 

Singlehood is seen as the chief reason for loneliness, burdensome, rather that a state of life that can be as fulfilling and enriching as marriage and parenthood.

In Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee, The Recovery of Intimacy, she speaks of the "faces of intimacy"  of being "as diverse as stars, as unique as snowflakes" and quite within reach of every person.

It simply requires us to "listen appreciatively', "to be present to every event" in our everyday lives; for our love for others to be "purified of self-gratifying passions" and to be chaste and respectful; and to cultivate a "poverty of spirit", to "live simply" so that we can "let go of things as final sources of satisfaction" and to "treat things reverently".

These choices, and a  broadening of our definition of love will allow us be open to the ways love and intimacy can touch our lives.

In mundane, ordinary  and diverse ways. Even through perfect strangers and humdrum events.

A single phone conversation.

As I increasingly continue to experience my individual being as someone sacred, unique and loved, I am able to extrapolate my everyday experiences to arrive at the truth that love, and intimacy are very much within my grasp.

Just like today.

And I thank God for friendships with the benefits of purity and freedom.

Life lessons

It's less than a month before my birthday and I enter into a time of reflection. I am probably at the mid-way mark (or hopefully less) in life and it's as a good a time as any to take stock of life and think a little more about what I want to do with the second half of my life.

I especially like Regina Brett's 50 life's lessons* and thought of coming up with a list of lessons culled from the books I've read, movies I've watched, people whose paths have crossed mine and my own life experiences.

So here it is, in no particular order (if I have plagiarized without acknowledging the original source, I beg pardon - please let me know and I will rectify my oversight):

1. Watch what you eat, exercise and (most importantly) sstrrrreeeettchhhh every day - when it comes to good health, prevention is less costly and painful than the cure.

2. Work constantly on boundaries that keep the bad out and let the good in (thanks to Cloud and Townsend).

3. We will always be work in progress so do enjoy and draw pleasure from the journey even as you aspire to reach the destination.

4. Depression is a waste of time and energy - if you don't like where you are, walk away. If you don't like who you are, change. All things are possible with God (to paraphrase the angel Gabriel).

5. Even when you are walking through the valley of tears and misery, you can make it a place of springs (Psalm 84).

6. While it's good to have plans and goals, don't get too bummed out when things don't go your way. Detours can be enriching, plus, His way is best.

7. When you are lost, ask for directions from a higher order. Don't rely on your own efforts and resources when the Holy Spirit can bring clarity.

8. If you know WHO you really are, you will know HOW to make true choices in life and know WHERE you are going. (Thanks to Margaret Silf's Landmarks.)

9. You may not like what lies ahead, but with Jesus as constant companion, you will have fortitude to walk the narrow path - His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

10. Healing can only begin when we are willing to face our brokenness and issues  in God's light of love and truth.

11. Look for opportunities to love each day and you will receive love in return.

12. Be still and listen. God speaks in whispers for He wants us to exercise our freedom of will.

13. Don't let guilt keep you standing outside the Father's house. It's harsh out there. Knock and the door will open, with a warm and loving reception (Luke 11:9-10).

14. Pray unceasingly, through every season of life. Every day. Even when you don't feel like it.

15. Ad majorem dei gloriam - let everything you do be for the greater glory of God and you will never go wrong.

16. "We are all capable of great things if we refuse to be defeated by the fear of our own weakness." - Karol. The Pope. The Man.

17. The truth is I am precious, a delight, priceless, beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made because I am made in His image and likeness. So why don't I revel in this truth all the time? I should.

18. If I don't love and respect my own dignity as woman, I cannot love and respect others nor can I receive the love and respect that I should from others. (Read JPII's Mulieris Dignitatem for inspiration.)

19. While talking it out is good for the soul, nothing beats acting on our convictions and living life with no regrets. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

20. If we remain rooted in God (Psalm 1) then we can soar like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).

21. Just do it - even if you fall flat on your face, it sure beats sitting on the sidelines, not participating in life. Besides, the Spirit of God is not one of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). 

22. Passion and purity are both necessary and inextricably linked expressions of our sexuality.

23. It's important to ask why and seek for the truth with St.Anselm's faith seeking understanding in order to experience God in a very personal way and to be able to interiorize the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6).

24. Cultivate a heart of gratitude and you will never run out of blessings.

25. Suffering can transform us and allow us to express who we really are - a being called to transcendence and redemption. (Read JPII's Salvifici Doloris for insights on the meaning of suffering.)

26. Love and honour your parents on a daily basis for they gave you the very precious gift of life.

27. We can only fill the God-shaped space in our hearts by seeking within (meditate on St. Augustine's Late Have I Loved Thee). Emptiness cannot be filled with "things of the world".

28. If you look for what is Good, True and Beautiful, you will find God.

29. You cannot save the world, so don't even try. Just do what you are called to do - to be a "perfect" witness (Matthew 19:21) - and leave the rest up to God.

30. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

31. Be "the little pencil in God's hand", just as Mother Teresa was, and you can do "small things with great love". - Mother Teresa

32. Always treat your loved ones like gold and never take them for granted. If they take you for granted, let them know gently, even as you forgive them.

33. Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

34. God is all-forgiving and ever-merciful so we should be like Him, especially when it comes to ourselves and our families.

35. Celebrate your feminine genius (JPII), even as you respect your brother's masculine genius.

36. Find the gumption  to walk on water - you won't regret it. It's the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

37. What you comprehend in your head, you must understand in your heart, if not, it is a truth you haven't yet fully grasped.

38. If you can identify the distortions in your life and come up with counter-logics to deal with them using prayer, stretching and modelling, you will be able to live more fully alive. (John Powell's Fully Alive Experience.)

39. Nurture, play and have fun with your inner child and fulfil her/his needs so that she/he can grow into the woman/man she/he was meant to be.

40. Forgiveness is key to joy and inner peace. Without forgiveness, we cannot grow or move ahead into freedom.

41. In lamenting life's sorrows, we accord proper respect to circumstance and will eventually, with grace, feel God's loving presence in darkest despair. (Thanks to Fr. Martin Cilia's talk on dying and grief.)

42. In times of crisis or desolation, never alter a decision arrived at in times of consolation (from St. Ignatius of Loyola's Discernment Rules).

43. Agere contra - The Ignatian way to act against desolation or the personal inclination to sin and evil.

44. Live in the Spirit and you will bear His fruit (Galatians 5:22) and receive His gifts (1 Corinthians 12:8-13).

45. "... it is cleat that sexuality cannot be separated from love... Man and woman must take responsibility for their relationships and to defend the purity of love and sexuality."  - Karol. The Pope. The Man. (JP II's Theology of the Body proposes exactly how we can achieve this.)

46 "Right is right even if no one is doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it." - Most recently quoted on the Montana episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations.





* To read Regina Brett's, go to: http://www.cleveland.com/brett/blog/index.ssf/2006/05/regina_bretts_45_life_lessons.html)