Mother-daughter time

I’ve just spent the better part of last week in Bali and had a relaxing fun time. I got to show my Mum around (she’s never been while I’ve been several times), taking her to places I’d been before, and to places that we’d both never been before like the lush green padi fields around Candi Dasa and the water palace of Tirta Gangga.

We were both very impressed with the sight of ancient frangipani trees in Tenganan and the gorgeous sunsets by the sea (one of our drivers/guides was quite frustrated with what we thought interesting for we rejected most of his suggestions and wanted to do our own thing).

What struck me most about this trip was the kindness of strangers, the warm hospitality of the Balinese, minus a few dodgy characters. I was totally charmed by the sweetness and friendliness of almost everyone I met.  

While I did not have much time for structured prayer as Mum and I shared a room and we were on the go for pretty much of the time, I tried to practise the presence of Jesus by being patient and kind, first to my mother and then to those that we met.

I am glad to say I succeeded largely (at least I think so : P)and I was conscious throughout our days there of the blessings of good weather, beautiful sights, wonderful sunsets, delicious meals, safe drivers and God’s protection over the two of us wherever we went (I had a few near-misses with motorcyclists).

It was also a time of healing and escape for me – from prior physical exhaustion, the weight of responsibility and ghosts from my past. 

I also liked that I got to take Mum on a vacation she always wanted and one that she enjoyed very much (I hope). 

Having just gone through a month filled with hospital visits to see A. and even witnessing the passing of two of her room-mates (in real time), I am cognizant of the limited time we are each given on this earth, especially my ageing mother’s, who currently, thank God, is in good health.

Therefore I am resolved to not let the busyness of my life derail me from the things that are important in life, like vacations! 

Seriously, one of my deepest desires is to make my mother’s life as comfortable and as enjoyable as possible for it is not only my way of showing her love but also my way of loving and honouring my deceased father, who wanted the best for my mother from the day he married her.  

So it’s nice to be able to fulfil Dad’s promise to Mum and also to thank her, in my own small way, for conceiving and carrying me for nine months, for giving me life, and for bringing me up to love patiently and unconditionally.

May we continue to have as much fun in our everyday living as we did in Bali.

Lamenting into praise

Last night we (W2W Ministry) were very privileged to have Fr. Martin Cilia* speak to us on dying and saying goodbye.

Fr. Martin, who is en route from Malta to the Philippines with Br. Clinton, one of his seminarians, consented to take time off to share with us and help us journey with A. in the coming weeks.

He quickly outlined the process a dying person goes through (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and what we, as companions on the dying person's journey, can do.

Listen. Be present. Move with the person through the different stages as they move from one to another.

This means not lying to the person (no sugar-coating of the truth), nor forcing the person to face the truth before he or she is ready.

Avoid mouthing cliches or platitudes for want of something to say.

Instead empathetic silence will serve best if at a loss on how to validate the person's negative emotions.

He also emphasized the importance of touch, for it is a language that can speak more powerfully than words.

Depending on the closeness of the relationship, there are five essential messages that should be conveyed:

1. Will you forgive me?
2. I will forgive you.
3. Thank you.
4. I will miss you.
5. I love you.

These messages will also assist us to let the person go (which may be vital for them to let go themselves), and allow closure to happen.

In dealing with the situation ourselves, Fr. Martin encouraged us to ask the question WHY?

To examine our own feelings and what is happening inside of us (as the dying person would be asking the same question).

Only by questioning can we colour the experience of suffering with meaning.

Only by questioning can we lament (and pray) in order to move into true praise and worship.

The significance of lamentation was highlighted by Fr. Martin. Not only is there a Book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, but the Psalms are littered with lament and praise of a suffering people.

Lamenting allows us to get in touch with reality, and ultimately leads us to seeing God's presence in our lives and know that that in itself is our biggest blessing as we "walk through the valley of darkness" (Psalm 23).

The story of Job is also one which takes us through Job's great suffering and how his constant faith eventually allows him to see and hear God in his life and to offer Him praise.

Job also challenges the simplistic concept of how good things in life mean blessing and bad mean punishment.

This is vital for us to be able to see our suffering not as punishment but to ask questions and search for meaning that then enables us to see the blessings that surround suffering and to know that God is there with us, loving us.

Even Jesus himself asked the heartwrenching question from Psalm 22 as He experienced pure desolation, " Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ("My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"), and through the four Gospels we see that Jesus was never afraid to ask questions in life, or to experience suffering and to be greatly afraid of dying.

As we all know, Jesus did feel God's presence with Him in the last moment of death as He committed His spirit into His Father's hands.

So we must be present with the person who questions and laments, allowing our love to support the person and help them see a true image of God, a God who is present, loving** and suffering, in our midst.

We are not called to find all the answers or solve all the problems but to do our part by being there in love.

Fr. Martin stressed the importance of ritual (i.e. the ability to bring a sense of sacredness and imbue certain actions with meaning) and when we feel helpless, to pray for the person and then to transform our prayer into presence.

After speaking at length on what we should expect so as to be able to deal with the grief of loss to come, Fr. Martin closed the session with a powerful question for us to reflect on:

How is A. who is God's word, speaking to us now and how should we respond to the holiness of this current journey?

* Fr. Martin was the priest who celebrated mass and taught me for one week during the three-week Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore, India in 2003. His wisdom, giftedness and ability to see the sacred in beauty around him opened my eyes to a new world of creative possibilities. So it was with great pleasure that I welcomed him to Singapore this week and delighted in showing him around.

** In John 13:1, "he loved them to the end", Jesus is our Saviour who could not love us more and therefore took on our suffering upon Himself as a supreme act of love. What greater love can there be than the laying down of His life for us?

Personal best

When I was a young girl, I was laughed at for crying at sad movies and for being too soft. So I spent years covering up this weakness for real women do not cry, at least they don't, in my family.

It is only in recent years, that having been unbound from the burial clothes after coming to life as Lazarus did, that I have come to appreciate the gift of my "bleeding heart", as I call it, this ability to feel the pain of the other and make it my own.

This empathy, coupled with compassion, impels me to reach out and lend a helping hand as well as understand the perceived negative actions of others in order to be more forgiving.

Embracing my bleeding heart has a price. For oftentimes I invest too much psychic, emotional and physical energy into someone's problem that I am completely tapped out.

Even in exercising my gifts I must be judicious and moderate.

I have come to realize that I tend to get a little messianic in my efforts as I immerse myself in the issue or situation at hand. But that is not my calling. I am not the Messiah who has already come and saved the world.

Instead, I am only a disciple of Christ, created in His image and likeness, and I am called to follow Him wherever He leads me and to do as His Spirit prompts.

This means not letting my ego come into play and ultimately seeking my own glory and not His. Not an easy thing to do.

In seeking His glory, I must cooperate and stand back quite frequently to give God space to be creative as well - and He never fails to dazzle me with His powerful creativity.

While I am to give my personal best at all times, I must never make it personal. So I ask for wisdom to know how to give and when to let go and let God so that everything I do is motivated by one thing only.

Ad majorem dei gloriam.

Desert spectacular

I have really hit the ground running this new year. It's been not only busy, physically stretching, but emotionally exhausting.

One of my sisters from the W2W Ministry has stage IV cancer and is currently staying in hospital as she was throwing up and could not eat as 2010 came into being.

This week she underwent last ditch, three-day chemotherapy.

Although it is now three days after the treatment, she is still suffering from a piercing and persistent pain in her left kneecap, on top of the nausea and inability to eat much.

As with my father's last days, I feel helpless in the face of such suffering, and hope that what I do does offer some solace and comfort.

Despite the difficult circumstances, it's been heartening to see how an informal network of women come together to act in love. And how a community can grow stronger bonds (as D. observed) when one of their kind is in distress.

It is as Eleanor Roosevelt said, ""A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

The hot water of A.'s illness has brewed a wonderful decoction of flavours as each woman releases her unique brand of strength.










It's been lovely to recognize how each woman's singular gifts blossom as she reaches out in love to A. and her family, bringing a special grace to the situation and drawing A.'s family closer in crisis.

There is so much I have learned just watching each woman in action. Plus, I've gotten to know A.'s good friend D. who is a gem of a woman.

What a beautiful garden love can create, even in the desert of disease and impending death.

Perfect timing

I was chatting with a dear friend S. who lives in Hong Kong just last week and the conversation inevitably turned to love, the search for and the lack of good men and good relationships thereof.

It was difficult for me to explain to S. that despite my desire for marriage, I was happy to follow God's lead in life and that the love of one man whose physical form is not easily recognizable was sufficient for me not to fret about my singlehood.

Is there a perfect man and lover? More and more as I journey in life I can say yes with conviction. For I have experienced the presence of such a man in my life, and I continue to, every day.

It's a relationship that is exciting for although Spirit, He manifests His presence in different ways and through different people. I just need to be open to how He chooses to show up.

In real and tangible terms, my financial needs have been taken care of from the moment I decided to live life according to God's plan for me.

He is always there when I am down, propping me up with unconditional love. I have a kind listening ear when I need one and the wisdom of His good counsel.

I have been kept safe and protected against evil when opting to live my life adhering to standards most of the world dismisses.

Best of all, He has sent so many people into my life to show me how much He loves me. Family and friends, even perfect strangers, have been loving and caring beyond my imagination.

I could go on and on... and at the same time, I am without words when it comes to describing the great love He demonstrates towards me on a daily basis.

I wish I could make S. understand that the yearning every woman (and every man) has for someone to love her (him) was put there by God and hence can only be filled by God in a way that brings fulfillment and consolation that comes not from material things, things of the world, or people.

Ultimately the encounter with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is a felt and personal experience so I can only pray that S. will one day "meet Jesus" and finally understand what I have been rabbiting on about for years.

In His time, all will be beautiful , and perfect.

Action through contemplation

Welcome 2010! I had an amazing start to the new year and I hope it portends well for the rest of the year.

I was able to begin the day  with morning mass to celebrate the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. It was not only an affirmation of womanhood, for the Saviour needed to be "born of a woman" into this world, but a good reminder to be like Mary who kept things she did not understand  in her heart and pondered on them continually.

I know that 2010 is a year of action for me (I certainly hope it will be) for I, myself, am tired of my own hesitation and procrastination and hope that the new year will bring renewed faith in God and myself in order to give birth to desires that have been gestating within me for a while now.

Given that I am set for an action-packed year, I need to ensure I keep sane, centred and always pointing towards True North. So I renew my commitment to set aside time to spend in prayer and keep the communication lines wide open.

As I began the day in prayer, I also ended it in prayer.

The W2W ministry gathered to celebrate the day in more feasting (as if Christmas wasn't enough), praising God in song and thereafter praying for each other. What a time of great blessing for all who gathered.

As for the words of wisdom that were given to me, I will continue to ponder and allow them to take full-blown shape in my life, bringing joy and comfort to many.

By His will. Not mine.