Body power

Wow, what a week! Intense in terms of content to be absorbed as well as the gruelling pace of the days.

The day starts with daily mass, followed by classes from 10:00 am - 5:00 pm. Home I go for a quick dinner followed by work till past midnight. I've been averaging about six hours of sleep every night and I am just glad my body seems to be holding up.

Speaking of body, I have begun to look at the body in a whole new way. I am awed at the richness and depth of the late Pope John Paul II's thoughts on the subject, on how there is a theology of the body.

I am amazed at how his writings encompass and synthesize what I have been absorbing from various sources as well as from my own real life experiences in the last four years.

I can only sit back in wonder at how He has led me to this point, which is a point of affirmation of my being, deep in my ensouled body.

I struggle to grasp concepts which are pretty revolutionary in a world that mostly sees the body in a very reduced way, in a very primitive sense that brings to mind what Paul said about seeing 'through the glass darkly' for we seem to live in a world that sees through a mainly obscured vision.

We have bought into a world where we see ourselves as creatures governed by our sexual urges with a distorted vision of love against which we are powerless to make choices that are true and good.

As God is love, and we are made in His image and likeness and therefore are made to love and be loved, the human quest for love is very real, as evidenced by the music, film and literature of our times and times past.

And yet, this quest for love (and happiness) which has taken us down the widely accepted route of casual sex, hedonistic lifestyles and a rejection of God and God's ways seems to have bred more loneliness, unhappiness and violence in the world.

Worse, we see perversions and abuses against humanity in new ways and increasing numbers every day.

Where have we gone wrong? What have we lost? Why is love, and happiness, so hard to experience?

JPII leads us back to the beginning, to the creation of the world, the first man and the first woman in the book of Genesis.

In his proposal of what is original solitude, original unity and orginal nakedness, which together form the essential core of every true and real experience of love, he points us to the body - for it is in the body that we exist, there can be no separation of a person from his or her body.

"I am in my body and my body is what connects me to the world. My body is a reflection of Christ's love to myself and others. It is through my body that I can concretely receive and give love of the highest order."

What we have lost is a reverence for our own body as a precious gift from God which, in turn, is a gift to our own self and to others. And thus, through our body we can be fruitful, not limited merely to the function of procreation, but to the depths of creativity only humans can plumb. We can live out the full expression of our being in our body.

Unfortunately, we rarely live in and live out the truth of our body, which is done only if we answer the call (the appeal to accept His gift of love) from God wholeheartedly.

Oftentimes, we are afraid that saying yes to the gift means a loss of freedom, a life less pleasurable and fulfilled, a life governed by outmoded rules and legalistic prudishness.

Contrary to popular belief, saying yes to God brings with it a freedom that grounds and connects us, through a love that precedes commandments and strictures of the law.

It is a giant leap to trust in God's love, that it can bring us our heart's, and more importantly (so it would seem in today's world), our body's desires.

Therein lies the paradox of Christianity: one must lose one's life in order to gain it, to die before one can live.

So we must take that leap to live out our identity as a child of God, a child of flesh and blood, living in close communion to the Father.

Only then will we begin to understand the wonders of His mighty love, the true value of the body and view the world with supernatural clarity.

TOB time

I am so psyched! I managed to make it to Melbourne despite my misgivings and the incredibly intense work pace I've been experiencing lately.

The writing job is still not done but the mountain of work has been reduced dramatically and it is now manageable. I can handle the home stretch as long as I keep pace.

The journey to come to Melbourne has been an interesting one. I've read the book (the light version), viewed the DVDs and have come to see the beauty in John Paul II's Theology of the Body over the last few years. So when the opportunity to come to Melbourne and take the certificate course presented itself, I was immediately drawn to the idea.

Of course the practicalities were dampening: how could I take off from work for such a length of time (my clients and boss would not be happy plus I would have no income for the period of 12 days), how could I leave my mother to fend for herself (unhealthy guilt I know but it does exist) and how would I pay for it???

Was this desire a frivolous one? A selfish one? So I offered it up to the Lord. If indeed it was not His desire enfolded in mine, then all efforts to make it happen would come to naught. I told myself not to be disappointed if it did not come to pass for if I allowed JC to lead, then I would have to accept where He led me.

First I got my leave approved. Then I worked through my guilt regarding my responsibilities as a daughter. Then the writing job literally fell from the skies right into my lap and the money issue was solved. If that's not providence I don't know what is.

I look forward to the first day of class tomorrow.

I look forward to spending time with my uncle and his family and building familial ties.

Most of all I look forward to this sacred space of getting to know Him a little better and learning to love Him in new ways.

Birthday blessings

When birthdays roll round, I like to take stock of what has happened in the year before and what do I see (what is His will for me) happening in the coming year.

After all, it should be a year older, a year wiser, especially since the body seems to be breaking down despite my feeble attempts at maintaining it so the least I can do is cultivate my mind and spirit. (Hah! as JJ my Texan friend who lives in Taiwan would say.)

Despite all the busyness in my life, I realized I managed to accomplish quite a few things. Chief among which has been my deepening relationship with Jesus. The growing intimacy, the everyday discovery of new facets of self, JC and us (JC n me).

While I have to say my best birthday in terms of thrills was the year I went diving in Komodo, in terms of a deep inner joy, it would have to be this year.

I realized that the biggest gift I received this year has been a freedom from and a freedom for.

I received the freedom from bondage of co-dependent relationships of the past and unhealthy emotional ties. I was given the opportunity say goodbye to relationships, people that I had held on to because past ties, our histories together, were so dear to my heart.

I was given the freedom for being - to be the me I was created to be. To be a woman who loves deeply and boundlessly, unafraid of being vulnerable and open to love's infinite possibilities. To love unconditionally and with the detachment of selfless maturity.

It's incredible how this freedom has given birth to such upwellings of joy and peace. A kind of nirvana. It feels absolutely fabulous!

If there were such a thing as a perfect day, this year's birthday ranks close. All the love I received from family and friends. All the yummy treats (I was wined and dined and birthday caked out). All the beautiful presents.

There are hints already of what is to come over the next 12 months and as I allow things, events to unfold as they will, I am reminded of what E. once said to me, that God is a God of order.

And so I wait... as I continue to exercise the glorious gift of freedom.

Prayer works

I cannot believe it, the first wave of work has cleared.

As of now, I have the morning to write up just one company profile, I have no more on hand. There are still seven companies outstanding (plus two interviews to write up) which can be done at a slightly more leisurely pace over the weekend. Now I am praying hard that everything comes in tomorrow.

It has been a siong or fierce week. Up at 6.00 am, teach or write with small breaks in between to eat. I only make it to bed after midnight. I am amazed at how I have been able to maintain high levels of concentration, long hours at a stretch, despite my tiredness. Slowly, but surely, I've chipped away at the mountain and am now left with a small hillock.

There is a second mountain to face but it is smaller than the first and relies more on quick turnaround time for the first drafts than anything else.

All I can say is I've been surviving on grace. And prayer.

Knowing that I would barely have time to pray (actually I have managed to make time, surprisingly enough) I've asked many of my friends to intercede for me during this crazy week and their prayers have worked.

God has been too kind, as B. would say. He has arranged my time to enable me to write (clients cancelling at critical moments). As long as I remained faithful and diligent, He created the opportunity.

Throughout this week, I've held Psalm 37:4 close to my heart: "Make the Lord your delight, and He will grant your heart's desire."

I get impatient and short when I am tired and panicky but I've made the effort to be find delight in situations and be "delightful".

I've endeavoured to put my best efforts into my writing, even when I've reached the point of giving up.

I've found the energy to teach and enjoy my time with clients despite the tiredness coursing through my body.

I have submitted my desire to Him: to be able to leave Singapore on July 22nd, secure in the knowledge that the job is done and done well.

I now leave it in His hands, claiming the proclamation of Gabriel to Mary, "With God, nothing is impossible".

A big thank you to my prayer warriors. This is to let you know your efforts have allowed me to make it through the week.

Alleluia. Amen.

Panic pill

I am in panic mode. I took on a huge writing project which I have to see to final proof stage by July 21^st, when I leave for Melbourne.

Right now, work has barely begun and the sheer volume of what lies ahead scares me for I am afraid I will not be up to the task and do a good job by the looming deadline.

Doubts and fears all crowd together within me, causing panic. Why did I take this on? Was I too greedy? Why am I so unrealistic about what I can and cannot do?

Today, I even struggled with going for mass – for I was strongly inclined to drop everything, even my precious time with God, in order to tackle the work.

I am glad I didn’t for the entire Eucharistic celebration was God’s assurance that His grace will see me through.

From the comforting notes of “Be not afraid, I go before you always...” to the readings where Paul reminds to walk in the Spirit which is mightily powerful, and where Jesus reassures us that He will carry our burdens: “Come to me, all you who work hard and who carry heavy burdens and I will refresh you”.

And so I laid my burden of fear at His feet and claimed His promise to refresh me. As we sang the recessional hymn, I received one final reassurance from Him:

“We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength, and we will fly like an eagle, we will rise again.”

There’s much to be said for spiritual panic pills.

Super heroes

As children, who among us has not idolized a particular figure who has super-human powers and uses it to save the world like Superman? We all need heroes to admire, to emulate; people who exemplify everything good that we are not yet but can possibly be; to hope in a better me, and consequently, a better world.

For me it was Batman, a hero who is smart, strong and untiring in his efforts to fight crime. That he has cool gadgets and the Batmobile, I have to admit, added to his mystique.

His personal story struck a chord in the young me as well. Here was a hero who experienced loss at a young age when he witnessed the murder of his parents, but grows up with a mission to fight evil in the world.

He has all he would ever want in terms of material wealth, but lacks a family in the true sense of the word. He has only Alfred, his butler, and Robin, the Boy Wonder, as members of his surrogate family.

Ultimately, he is alone in his world, the "Dark Knight" who can never regain the warmth of his childhood with doting parents who loved him, and so stands apart.

Lately, my heroes have morphed into real people. Just like Batman, they have unique personal histories that shaped who they were. Just like Batman, they were on a mission to transform the world.

Rowan Williams wrote that 'the self is not a substance one unearths by peeling away layers until one gets to the core, but an integrity one struggles to bring into existence'.

Peter, the brash, impetuous and rough fisherman, who denied Christ on three occasions through fear but later goes on to 'feed His lambs' with great courage and wisdom to the extent of being crucified upside-down.

Paul, the learned and devout Pharisee who is struck physically blind so that he may see Christ in his life and goes on to be 'all things to all men' and brings Christ's message of love and redemption to the Gentiles.

These are men who were true to themselves and lived their lives with integrity as best they knew how.

Not perfect, completely human with human weaknesses, but who lived in the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit and thus were able to be, and be models of love made in Christ's image.

I salute these two great missionaries, whose feast day we just celebrated Sunday past, and as it is the start of the Year of St. Paul*, I wish for more of his courage, his unflagging faith, his eloquence and ingenuity, and his ability to deploy his talents fully to transform the world I live in.


* The Church commemorates the 2,000th anniversary of the birth of St. Paul from June 28th, 2008 - June 29th, 2009.