Giving thanks

The lead-up to Christmas has left me physically exhausted, a case of trying to do too many things/please too many people.

So it’s nice to be able to kick back and reflect on the year which has galloped by at breakneck speed.

My biggest accomplishment in 2008 was writing a 5,000-word paper on John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

While I got a distinction for the paper and received tremendous affirmation from my good grade, true success lies in how I concretize the philosophy of the late pope in my life - something I suspect I will spend the rest of life doing, given its profundity and depth.

I consider 2008 a year well spent for I put my talents for teaching and writing to good use and I’d like to think that my industry bore good fruit.

In the process, I was blessed financially and I continue to be awed at God’s providence that has enabled me to pursue my desires, studying TOB in Melbourne being chief among them.

Relationships are the meat of existence and it was a year of feasting. I got to know my rellos in Melb (many radiant smiles and wet kisses from James and Hamish) and a visit from my Oz-based aunt made 2008 very special indeed.

My year-end gift came in the form of my cousin back from the UK to stay. We’ve kept in touch through the years but nothing beats face time and just sitting down to a meal together. Welcome home J., so glad you're home!

As for friends, good girl and guy friends, a tribute to all I know who have made my life sweeter, richer and helped me grow. You are all God’s gift to me and have enabled me to get through a truly manic year by blessing me with your love and making me feel pretty special.

If I were to characterize the year in one word, that word would be STRETCH. Intellectually, physically, psychologically, spiritually, in every way possible was I challenged to take it to the next level.

While I have never felt up to the task (like leading worship), I have not backed down and although results are less than perfect at times, I remind myself that sincerity makes up for under-par performance.

I am most grateful for the healing of my gastric problems, the amazingness of JP2, the ability to let go of past loves and a “think BIG” goal for the future.

I am least grateful for my lemon-sized fibroid, sprained, tight muscles and the extra padding of fat I’ve accumulated over the months.

I wish I have had more hours in the day, more discipline, more sleep and more will power.

I rejoice that I was so centred, so persevering, so hopeful and had so much to be grateful for.

Today, I am just glad that I have time to write and say thank you to the one who made all this possible.

Adventous action

I recently went in to see my SD and he asked me, "What does Christmas mean for you?" He had asked me the same question just at the start of Advent and was enquiring how I had been spending the weeks thus.

We had previously discussed the visitation and how Mary must've been encountering the darkest moments of her young life even as she uttered the words of the lovely Magnificat.

I had entered Advent in darkness myself for I had questions about my health (I feel like my body is in the worst state it's ever been due to abuse and neglect) and my fidelity to Jesus (I have not been writing lately but have instead sought the mind-numbing state of TV inertia).

I felt beset by my own weaknesses and human imperfections.

Despite the self-imposed darkness, there have been moments of light, insight and gratitude during this period of Advent as I have tried to keep in mind what SD had said about focusing on prayer and Scripture in attempting to decipher my own interpretation of Christmas.

During this latter meeting, I shared about how I felt challenged to do something this Christmas that was uncharacteristic for me and required quite a bit of psychic energy to muster the courage to carry through, he commented that this season of the liturgical calendar is a time for coming out of our comfort zones.

Just as Joseph and Mary had travelled far from home and family to Bethlehem, with Joseph probably having to stop on the way to seek work as a carpenter in order to finance their arduous journey, the couple would have found themselves far outside their comfort zones.

Alone, homeless, with a child on the way, what was supposed to be a joyous occasion with friends and relatives present to celebrate was instead a sojourn in a strange place marked by a singular lack of support.

And yet, because of their faith and acceptance of the situation, the willingness to be led by the Spirit, the eventual momentous occasion of the birth of Christ in a humble manger was witnessed and welcomed by lowly shepherds and their flocks, a celestial guiding light and and the otherworldly beauty of angels' voices.

The "coming" of the Lord does indeed happen in ways unimaginable and surprisingly joyous despite the strangeness of the situation.

One recurrent thought this Advent has been to let God be God and as I follow the dictates of my heart, led by the Spirit, I await the coming of the infant Jesus in taking the unusual action of coming out of my comfort zone to glorify Him in ways novel and creative.

Totally yours

©"L'Osservatore Romano"
photos from the book
John Paul II:
A Light for the World.


I just watched the documentary on John Paul II's life, "Witness to Hope", and found it very inspiring. What an amazing man!

Here was someone who was willing to push the boundaries in sharing with the world the love of Christ.

Here was a religious who sought to understand the world and brought his message of hope to the masses, and in so doing, was instrumental in uniting the people of Poland to bring to an end the rule of communism, followed later by the destruction of the Berlin wall.

A man of many talents (actor, poet, playwright, philosopher, academician, linguist) JPII could've chosen any road to venture forth and been a success at whatever he put his mind to, but he decided to answer the calling from above.

Just as Mary conveyed her assent to the angel Gabriel and then proceeded to live a life of quiet and titanium-clad faithfulness to God despite the immediately apparent difficulties and definite future heartbreak, JPII was a man who knew the cost of saying yes but went ahead to passionately live out his ideals and beliefs.

His ability to accomplish so much within his lifetime is by virtue of grace, but also through his full cooperation with the Holy Spirit.

He lived by his motto "Totus Tuus", "Totally Yours", which echoed Mary's fiat - not a surprising choice for he had a special affinity with the mother of Christ throughout his life, a relationship that influenced his actions greatly.

While I like to believe that I say yes to being faithful to Christ and his unique way of loving and being every day, it's a struggle to be mindful of my own actions every conscious moment.

Falling or failing is not that uncommon an occurrence, sadly.

According to those close to him, John Paul II found his anchor in daily mass and contemplative prayer despite his exhausting schedule as pope.

As the end of the year looms and I begin to ponder on how I've spent my time, I know I can always do better, especially in the area of prayer.

So as I seek to be a better disciple of Christ, I also thank God for giving me faithful witnesses like John Paul II to encourage me and challenge me to choose wisely and to choose God every time.

Lord, grant me the grace to be yours totally.

Through His eyes

This week I was pleasantly surprised when the optometrist told me that my current pair of contact lenses was over-corrected and that my new contacts, with reduced power, would give me "perfect" vision. I would be able to see both far and near clearly. No reading glasses needed. Pretty cool, huh.

One of the few things that really irked me about the ageing process was "old flower eyes". I can deal with the wrinkles, the weight gain, the daily muscular aches and all the other signs of ageing, but what an incredible pain not to be able to read clearly.

Reflecting on my new, improved vision, I found in it a metaphor for my spiritual life. Is it not true that as we mature in our Christian walk, we should be able to see better as we begin to acquire, bit by bit, the vision of love that is uniquely Christ's?

While I can never, as St. Paul puts it, "see but a poor reflection as in a mirror" until I "see face to face" due to my own distortions and weaknesses here on earth, I can, through my constant desire to see "the face of God", reduce my human-adjusted vision.

I still remember what it used to be like in my late 20s and early 30s, when I was groping in the dark for answers to my life, ill at ease with myself and greatly dissatisfied with certain areas in my life.

It was only when the vision enabled by faith was given to me that I began to view my world in a different light.

I then prayed to be able to see His face and hear His voice for I had been blind and deaf to who God was for many years and therefore not adept at discerning His presence in my life.

Suddenly, things became crystal clear as I began to see with the eyes of my heart, within which dwelled the essence of who I was and God's Spirit which was gifted to me when I was 11 days old.

It's hard to keep clear-sighted at all times for there will be twists and blind corners in the road ahead. Or days where a fog of darkness will descend to linger indefinitely.

As long as I remember to hold fast to the moments of truth (when I see with absolute clarity) that come my way, and steer my course accordingly, I do not fear getting lost or losing myself in the deserts of life.

And so I start each day with a personal petition to be able to see His face and hear His voice always, and thereby also acquire the art of seeing the world through His eyes.

For today, I am most grateful for my improved eyesight that affords the ability to not only read fine print, but to gaze inward and see Jesus looking back at me with love in His eyes.

Gift of death

"Death is the greatest gift God has given us," declared Fr. Arro today at mass celebrating All Souls' Day. Seeing as he was speaking to a church full of living souls who already know what it is to experience the great gift of life, he was right.

Death is the only way we can experience new life. It is the doorway to a richer and fuller life, one that is in complete communion with God. No longer would we be looking at life "through the glass darkly", seeing only partially, and experiencing the fullness of life and love in elusive glimmers that escape us as soon as they appear.

In TOB, JP2 calls this perfect union of man's soul with God's original nakedness.

When God created man and woman, there was a perfect union between man and God, woman and God, and man and woman. Man and woman were naked but felt no shame.*

They were literally and figuratively naked - completely vulnerable to the other and yet completely open and trusting.

There were no miscommunication or hidden agendas for each accepted and loved the other unconditionally, as a precious gift.

There was no baggage or brokenness to blight the relationship as both man and woman were in union with the Creator and in harmony with each other.

As we all know, it was disobedience that caused the Fall and fractured that communion with God and thereby affecting all our earthly relationships with each other.

However, because Jesus came to save us, giving up his life for us, we were redeemed and brought back to the beginning, where relationships were forged of unconditional love.

This is big for it means we can potentially regain the perfect union with God and perfect relationships with each other.

The only problem is humans have this tendency to forget what perfection is and are driven by this yearning for more in life, rarely satisfied for more than a brief moment in time.

And so we have to be content with ephemeral and fragile perfect moments of communion and look forward to the long final sleep of death that will awaken us to new life.

In the meantime, I can only fight against my forgetfulness by cultivating a heart of gratitude, giving thanks to the Creator for every breath I take, and to make the effort to journal and record all singular moments of perfection as they present themselves in my life's journey.

* Genesis 2:25

Word-focused world

A reflection Andrina (who is doing an ICPE School of Mission in the Black Forest, Germany) recently shared with us gal pals in Singapore was inspiring and thought-provoking.

On reflecting how to let go of the distractions of the world, she was encouraged to hang on to His word, not the world - for the difference between world and word is a single "L" which represents the lies that insinuate their way into His word and distract us from its truth in our lives.

St. Paul who was "all things to all men" in his efforts to evangelize, also clung to Christ (a.k.a. the Word made flesh) and advised us not to "conform to the pattern of this world", but to "be transformed" by the "renewing" of the mind.

He also reminds us that while we are living in the world, we should not be of the world. So while we acknowledge the presence of evil in the world, we should not participate in it, and instead should actively seek to transform it.

This transformation of lies of the world into love for the Word, and therefore love for the world of strangers, orphans, widows and the poor* is the only way we can fulfil the ultimate commandments laid down by Christ (on which all others are founded): to love God whole-heartedly and single-mindedly, and to love others as we love ourselves.

Fr. Damian in his homily today offered this pearl: "God is a god of relationships. So if we focus on our relationship with God, then we will have correct dimension in all our other relationships, including the one we have with ourselves."

If we reduce our world into one led by the Word, then we open ourselves to the infinite possibilities of love, and life.

We then have the courage and hope to cross the threshold of love and change the world by bringing the light of Christ into it.

And in the process, we will also be able to calibrate all our relationships into life-giving and mutually affirming ones.

In a world beset with financial crises, environmental distress and greed-driven health disasters, it's imperative we each make a difference each day in how we live out the Word.

* See today's readings: Exodus 22:20-26 and Matthew 22:34-40

Feminine genius

I just attended a retreat facilitated by Angela Lecomber called "Healing the Feminine" held Friday evening and yesterday. It was quite insightful for me and deepened my understanding of John Paul II's Theology of the Body (Yup, it's my TOB year).

What was especially interesting was the discussion on the feminine genius* and we were asked to reflect and comment on our own feminine genius.

The concept of feminine genius comes from John Paul II who, in 1995, commented that each "woman has a genius all her own, which is vitally essential to both society and the Church…"

This feminine genius is inherent in each woman and marks her distinct from man not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

For example, by nature women tend to be more collaborative, relational, indirect, nurturing, spontaneous, intuitive, hopeful, sensitive and creative.

Reflecting on my own feminine genius, the one thing that stands out is my ability to weep easily. It is one that I rejected for a long time for I was shamed at a very young age for this "weakness".

It is only in recent years that I have begun to understand and embrace my tears, which are a unique part of who I am as woman.

My tears are my body's way of reacting to injustice, beauty, rejection, pain, loneliness, joy and tragedy.

My tears are what move me to act with compassion, anger, courage, despair and love.

My tears represent the core of my sexuality, what is essentially woman in me.

While I do sometimes feel I am ridiculously emotional, I know that my tears represent my "heart of flesh" and, without them, I would be half the woman I was created to be.

So along with my propensity for waterworks, I accept the other constituents of my feminine genius and continue to nurture all that has been given to me by the Creator.



* The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines genius as a peculiar, distinctive, or identifying character or spirit or the personification or embodiment especially of a quality or condition.

Gift giving

Yes, it is finally over, my TOB paper is done!!! Submitted yesterday at 7:30am. While I was not very satisfied with it, I had run out of time and had to let it go in its final mutation.

I've gained a couple of insights while writing it, chief among which is that I suck at starting any big project, especially if I think/know it's going to be difficult.

I have to say my gut feel was right on this and most of the process was pretty torturous for John Paul II is not an easy read. But I now have a better grasp of what the late pontiff was saying in his catechesis, post-paper, and I'm glad for the knowledge transfer that has taken place.

The other Church documents I had to read made a deep impact on me and I came away awed at the wealth of information and the depth of knowledge contained in these documents, although my main bugbear is the language that these documents, including TOB, are written in - must they be written in language that is so inaccessible to ordinary folk like me?

Anyway, that's another story but I do resolve to do something about it, so watch this space...

In my meeting with my SD yesterday, he asked me what was it that I gained most during the course and the writing of the paper and I summed it up in one word: affirmation.

In going back to the beginning of Creation and understanding what is meant by being made in God's "image and likeness"...

In assimilating JPII's philosophy on what the body, my body, was created for and deciphering the language of my body...

In dissecting Christ's suffering and death on the Cross, His redemption of the body and His great love for humanity...

In all these revelations of divine love, I am totally awed and humbled.

I am learning to accept the gift of my body wholeheartedly and I delight in the gifts of the Trinity, Creation and of others in my life.

In turn, I am also challenged to make sense of the gifts I have received and to reciprocate by being a gift to others in the way I am - in my heart, my soul, my mind and all my strengths.

JPII beautifully develops the idea of self-gift which was proclaimed by Pope Paul VI in Gaudium et Spes: Man "cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself".

So when I give, I receive myself more and more in my living, ensouled body.

The more I give, the more I receive?

Gotta love the gift of JPII!

The right vision

I was channel surfing last week and caught a portion of an episode of Oprah where the women were singing the praises of using a vision board. There was also a panellist who had a book about healing the past through forgiveness.

I had to laugh for all these are not original ideas and are deeply rooted in the Christian tradition. The ideas have just been repackaged to appeal to a wider, secular audience

Coincidentally, a cousin of mine recently asked me if I had read the best-selling book The Secret? My response to her was why should I buy the book when I already know the secret - the secret to achieving or acquiring unlimited happiness, peace, prosperity... all the good things in life?

I haven’t read the book so am not qualified to make any comments on it but can see its widespread appeal. Who among us does not want to be happy, rich, at peace, living the life we want?

Guess what, this is what God wants for every one of us and if we are able to live out our faith in congruence to our everyday life, to who (and what) we are called to be, then we will have achieved the secret.

It is as simple as that. Truth often is. It is people who complicate truth when they rationalize or accept a partial or distorted version of the truth.

We are all born wanting to be good, attracted to good. Yet, somehow the world’s definition of good connotes a lack of freedom and is seen as something not desirable as it implies living a life bound by rules and less pleasure.

Living life in accordance to God’s will when lived out of love and not duty is empowering, librating and pleasurable to the extreme.

How do we do this? First by accepting the gift of God’s love and absorbing it fully in our minds, hearts and bodies. If we are able to accept His gift of love (of "who I am" and of how much "I am loved" by Him) with openness and eagerness, then we can allow love to radiate outwards – and we can then give to others and allow others, in turn, to give back to us. And thus be able attain what we desire in life.

So I am going to find time to draw up my vision board soon for it’s a great idea to take stock of life and see if I am heading in the right direction. I will do it with one fundamental difference - by allowing God to be the centre of my vision.

As I do it, I will let the words of this old Irish hymn I love guide me:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

* A vision board is a poster board of a collage of images that appeal to you: images of who you want to become, things you desire/want to do, places you wish to visit, etc.

Memorial gift

Early this morning, I was given a dream.

In it I saw my father who was happy, healthy and chatting easily with my 2nd aunt, and my 2nd and 6th uncles after a weekday afternoon mass at the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd. We all happened to attend the same mass and had spotted each other and were standing around in the car park for a quick chat.

When I saw him standing there in his blue pyjamas, I was overjoyed to see him. For it was so great to be able to see him smile, standing there looking so well even though it was a dream.

It is five years to the day since he passed on. I still remember his last day with us very vividly. The eventual realization that it was indeed his final day as he slowly slipped into a coma. And how the night before he must've known the end was near for he thanked us for taking care of him.

Thinking of him still makes me weep and I don't think I will ever stop mourning his loss. It is something I am glad for, for it proves to me that love is stronger even than death, and I know that this love that binds me to him will eventually see us reunited in the Father's embrace.

Regardless of loss, time moves on inexorably. Rather than wallow in sorrow, I choose to celebrate my father's life every day in the way I try to live up to his ideals of honour and integrity.

Every act of care and selfless giving to my mother.

Every deed of generosity that echoes his willingness to help those who were less privileged.

Every endeavour to forgive and actively foster family ties.

Every meal that is cooked with love and seasoned with his tastebuds of perfectionism.

And so tonight Mum and I sat down to a fine repast of fresh oysters, bratwurst and chilled white wine to give thanks to the man who lived life to the fullest in every sense of the word.

While life with Dad had its moments, there were also wonderful memories.

I choose to let go of the bad and cherish the good and I am grateful for the wonderful gift I received this early morn.

Olympian efforts

What a day of Olympic watching! Michael Phelps won his eighth goal, an absolute coup, although not unexpected. Especially coming a day after his previous spectacular win in the 100m butterfly by 0.01 of a second.

The women's marathon saw 38 year-old Constantina Tomescu-Dita from Romania break away from the pack midway to take the gold over a minute before the other runners.

What also made the marathon gripping to watch was that world record-holder Paula Radcliffe of Britain who chased the elusive Olympic medal yet again had to concede defeat from injury (she's still recovering from a stress fracture in her thigh bone). Her courage in completing the race despite having to stop midway to deal with leg cramps was inspiring.

In my book, every woman who completed the marathon is a winner. It is as St. Paul would put it a case of running "the good race" where determination, perseverance, strength, discipline and a whole lotta heart are needed. Every runner displayed all these qualities in full measure.

In the case of Phelps's eighth goal it was the US swim team's effort that made it possible. Working as parts of "one body", bringing their individual strengths to play to pursue a dream and attain it. It was high drama at its best.

The Olympics underscored all that I have been absorbing over the last few weeks about the body. There is no separation of spirit and body and it is the force of the spirit within a body that enables a person to strive and attain his or her goals.

Through the body we connect to the world. The Olympics idealizes the best of human bonding where political differences are set aside and a common bond is forged through the love of sport and the ability to hone the human body to physical peak and display its prowess.

Those of us who can't, just sit in front of the telly and marvel at how the human body can be pushed to the limit and achieve what seems to be impossible.

We are reminded that the impossible is made possible if we but only try.

Spiritual time outs

There is an article by columnist Erma Bombeck which she wrote when she was diagnosed with cancer entitled "If I had my life to live over" and in it she enumerates ways in which she would have been less concerned with doing things efficiently, practically or responsibly and been more spontaneous and laid back.

Essentially she would have taken more time to smell the roses, live in the moment and not sweat the small stuff.

It's hard not to rush along in life doing, doing, doing for the culture we live in applauds accomplishment and achievement, measuring success by concrete acts and material wealth.

So how much money have you made today? How many people have you saved?

What about how many people have you made smile today? Who has felt loved today by your care and concern?

Often we forget it's the small gestures that can mean a lot. A common courtesy. Acknowledging the presence of the other by giving our utmost attention to the person. Taking the time to listen to someone and be there for them.

We are so conditioned to focus on the destination or goal that we forget the importance of the journey. Or to have fun as we journey.

I am guilty of doing this quite often. Trying to keep to my daily schedule, I rush from place to place. I cut out the niceties and tend to be very business-like in my dealings.

When I get into efficiency mode, I usually feel depleted by day's end for I sacrificed quality by doing and forgetting to enjoy what I'm doing. Worse, I set out trying to do too much and feel like a failure when I do not accomplish all that I set out to do.

And it all becomes so much meaningless activity.

It's nigh impossible to slow down the pace of my life but I have learnt to create spiritual time outs during the day.

To create spaces where I converse with Jesus and thank Him for the small graces that touch my life as I go about my day: the sun shining in a blue, blue sky, the food stall seller who did not charge me full price for my breakfast, or the appearance of the bus I need when I am running late.

Constantly touching base with Him and offering my day to Him helps me surrender any anxiety I have over things not going my way. Quite vital for a control freak like me who likes to exert her will over life.

And I am also reminded to open my eyes to the beauty of the world around me, inhale life and exude enjoyment for all that He gives me every day.

It thus becomes time well spent.

A perfect love

Today at lunch she said to me

Who is this new man in your life?

Who has got you aglow with joy

Blooming, like a morning glory?

Come on, out with it, tell me his name

For you are clearly not the same.

I said to her there is no man,

No one new: He’s been in my life

From the very start; the first time

I drew breath, He was there, smiling.

In his eyes, a deep love shining.

It’s just that now I see him clearly.

How could I begin to explain?

What I experience in my being

Is something the world dismisses

As unreal, too good to be true.

The primordial promise often sought,

In worldly things that come to naught.

It took me a while to find him

Whispering in the wind he’s barely

Discernible. You have to choose.

Are you the grain of wheat that dies

To bear new life, take on new guise?

Or are you made of stone, just lawful?

As our love grows, a nuptial fruit

I live in him and him in me.

He is my way, my truth, my life

My lover forever, my knight.

Although, at times, I lose the fervour

He is there, loving as ever.

The perfect man, a perfect love

How did I do it, you may ask?

You must seek in order to find

What is there in the beginning.

For only then what is fright’ning

Will be revealed as the priceless pearl.

Saying yes

Finally, the mountain of work has been conquered and the book (yes the mountain is a book of sorts) goes into printing tomorrow. I've had to work almost every day while I was in Melbourne (just got back Saturday night) but thank God for movable deadlines where the impossible is made possible.

I am humbled by how the Lord knows exactly what I need and provides so generously. And I am encouraged to keep saying yes, even when I say yes to things that scare me and that I do not think I am good enough to tackle them.

This has been my biggest learning lesson of the summer.

In the movie Out of Africa, Karen Blixen makes this wry comment: "When the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers."

I used to subscribe to that cynical view on life. Now looking at the quote, I see that the operative word is "gods", not God.

Anyone who has tried to serve two masters or worship false idols will know that choosing something or a course of action that stems from selfish desires may bring joy, but it also brings with it suffering - usually to those around him, if not to the chooser himself or herself.

Over lunch today, C. just shared with me that someone we both know, a staunch Christian in the past, has now chosen to abandon his role as husband and father in order to pursue his own personal happiness.

It made me stop to think how easy it is to stop saying yes to God and to say yes instead to the pursuit of self pleasures.

How easy it is to forget that Jesus really loves us and He wants only good things for us, that it's never in His plan to make us suffer.

How easy to take such an unselfish love for granted and not treasure the very thing we are seeking for in life.

How easy to fall from grace.

So what is it that can change the hearts and minds of good, even great people, and make them do a 180 degree turn, eschewing all they chose and worked for previously?

A lot hinges on how we view God. Do we view Him as vengeful, a policeman god who will punish us for our transgressions?

Or as a Santa Claus god to whom we pray only when we want something from Him?

Or a watchmaker god who creates the world and then steps back and lets it function on its own, a benevolent but distant being?

I used to think God was all of the above until I experienced first-hand that compassionate, merciful, unconditional love that the psalmists write about in the book of Psalms.

It was like falling in love for the very first time - a special and unique, never-before experienced event - so memorable that the event is burned indelibly in my consciousness. A true burning bush experience.

But like all memories, it can get displaced by wants and desires and even such a deep, personal experience of love can be discounted and forgotten.

And so it's important to say yes every new day, building on the first time I said yes to Jesus as I accepted his warm embrace of love.

Saying yes involves hard work. It's not an action I carry out on principle, on "blind faith". I have to work at getting to know Jesus as a person, what are His Father's plans for me and constantly finetune my ability to discern how the Spirit moves in my life.

It's all about making informed decisions and choices in life every step of the way.

This also involves getting to know myself and understanding myself better as a person, accepting myself, the good and the bad, and having the courage to allow Him to mould me as He wills.

The latter is the most difficult for it requires purification and reformation, which, at times, can be most painful. So why do it you may ask?

No one else in this world will love me with such depth and kindness - who accepts me for who I am and who is always there for me, till the end of time and beyond.

Now how can I say no to that?

Body power

Wow, what a week! Intense in terms of content to be absorbed as well as the gruelling pace of the days.

The day starts with daily mass, followed by classes from 10:00 am - 5:00 pm. Home I go for a quick dinner followed by work till past midnight. I've been averaging about six hours of sleep every night and I am just glad my body seems to be holding up.

Speaking of body, I have begun to look at the body in a whole new way. I am awed at the richness and depth of the late Pope John Paul II's thoughts on the subject, on how there is a theology of the body.

I am amazed at how his writings encompass and synthesize what I have been absorbing from various sources as well as from my own real life experiences in the last four years.

I can only sit back in wonder at how He has led me to this point, which is a point of affirmation of my being, deep in my ensouled body.

I struggle to grasp concepts which are pretty revolutionary in a world that mostly sees the body in a very reduced way, in a very primitive sense that brings to mind what Paul said about seeing 'through the glass darkly' for we seem to live in a world that sees through a mainly obscured vision.

We have bought into a world where we see ourselves as creatures governed by our sexual urges with a distorted vision of love against which we are powerless to make choices that are true and good.

As God is love, and we are made in His image and likeness and therefore are made to love and be loved, the human quest for love is very real, as evidenced by the music, film and literature of our times and times past.

And yet, this quest for love (and happiness) which has taken us down the widely accepted route of casual sex, hedonistic lifestyles and a rejection of God and God's ways seems to have bred more loneliness, unhappiness and violence in the world.

Worse, we see perversions and abuses against humanity in new ways and increasing numbers every day.

Where have we gone wrong? What have we lost? Why is love, and happiness, so hard to experience?

JPII leads us back to the beginning, to the creation of the world, the first man and the first woman in the book of Genesis.

In his proposal of what is original solitude, original unity and orginal nakedness, which together form the essential core of every true and real experience of love, he points us to the body - for it is in the body that we exist, there can be no separation of a person from his or her body.

"I am in my body and my body is what connects me to the world. My body is a reflection of Christ's love to myself and others. It is through my body that I can concretely receive and give love of the highest order."

What we have lost is a reverence for our own body as a precious gift from God which, in turn, is a gift to our own self and to others. And thus, through our body we can be fruitful, not limited merely to the function of procreation, but to the depths of creativity only humans can plumb. We can live out the full expression of our being in our body.

Unfortunately, we rarely live in and live out the truth of our body, which is done only if we answer the call (the appeal to accept His gift of love) from God wholeheartedly.

Oftentimes, we are afraid that saying yes to the gift means a loss of freedom, a life less pleasurable and fulfilled, a life governed by outmoded rules and legalistic prudishness.

Contrary to popular belief, saying yes to God brings with it a freedom that grounds and connects us, through a love that precedes commandments and strictures of the law.

It is a giant leap to trust in God's love, that it can bring us our heart's, and more importantly (so it would seem in today's world), our body's desires.

Therein lies the paradox of Christianity: one must lose one's life in order to gain it, to die before one can live.

So we must take that leap to live out our identity as a child of God, a child of flesh and blood, living in close communion to the Father.

Only then will we begin to understand the wonders of His mighty love, the true value of the body and view the world with supernatural clarity.

TOB time

I am so psyched! I managed to make it to Melbourne despite my misgivings and the incredibly intense work pace I've been experiencing lately.

The writing job is still not done but the mountain of work has been reduced dramatically and it is now manageable. I can handle the home stretch as long as I keep pace.

The journey to come to Melbourne has been an interesting one. I've read the book (the light version), viewed the DVDs and have come to see the beauty in John Paul II's Theology of the Body over the last few years. So when the opportunity to come to Melbourne and take the certificate course presented itself, I was immediately drawn to the idea.

Of course the practicalities were dampening: how could I take off from work for such a length of time (my clients and boss would not be happy plus I would have no income for the period of 12 days), how could I leave my mother to fend for herself (unhealthy guilt I know but it does exist) and how would I pay for it???

Was this desire a frivolous one? A selfish one? So I offered it up to the Lord. If indeed it was not His desire enfolded in mine, then all efforts to make it happen would come to naught. I told myself not to be disappointed if it did not come to pass for if I allowed JC to lead, then I would have to accept where He led me.

First I got my leave approved. Then I worked through my guilt regarding my responsibilities as a daughter. Then the writing job literally fell from the skies right into my lap and the money issue was solved. If that's not providence I don't know what is.

I look forward to the first day of class tomorrow.

I look forward to spending time with my uncle and his family and building familial ties.

Most of all I look forward to this sacred space of getting to know Him a little better and learning to love Him in new ways.

Birthday blessings

When birthdays roll round, I like to take stock of what has happened in the year before and what do I see (what is His will for me) happening in the coming year.

After all, it should be a year older, a year wiser, especially since the body seems to be breaking down despite my feeble attempts at maintaining it so the least I can do is cultivate my mind and spirit. (Hah! as JJ my Texan friend who lives in Taiwan would say.)

Despite all the busyness in my life, I realized I managed to accomplish quite a few things. Chief among which has been my deepening relationship with Jesus. The growing intimacy, the everyday discovery of new facets of self, JC and us (JC n me).

While I have to say my best birthday in terms of thrills was the year I went diving in Komodo, in terms of a deep inner joy, it would have to be this year.

I realized that the biggest gift I received this year has been a freedom from and a freedom for.

I received the freedom from bondage of co-dependent relationships of the past and unhealthy emotional ties. I was given the opportunity say goodbye to relationships, people that I had held on to because past ties, our histories together, were so dear to my heart.

I was given the freedom for being - to be the me I was created to be. To be a woman who loves deeply and boundlessly, unafraid of being vulnerable and open to love's infinite possibilities. To love unconditionally and with the detachment of selfless maturity.

It's incredible how this freedom has given birth to such upwellings of joy and peace. A kind of nirvana. It feels absolutely fabulous!

If there were such a thing as a perfect day, this year's birthday ranks close. All the love I received from family and friends. All the yummy treats (I was wined and dined and birthday caked out). All the beautiful presents.

There are hints already of what is to come over the next 12 months and as I allow things, events to unfold as they will, I am reminded of what E. once said to me, that God is a God of order.

And so I wait... as I continue to exercise the glorious gift of freedom.

Prayer works

I cannot believe it, the first wave of work has cleared.

As of now, I have the morning to write up just one company profile, I have no more on hand. There are still seven companies outstanding (plus two interviews to write up) which can be done at a slightly more leisurely pace over the weekend. Now I am praying hard that everything comes in tomorrow.

It has been a siong or fierce week. Up at 6.00 am, teach or write with small breaks in between to eat. I only make it to bed after midnight. I am amazed at how I have been able to maintain high levels of concentration, long hours at a stretch, despite my tiredness. Slowly, but surely, I've chipped away at the mountain and am now left with a small hillock.

There is a second mountain to face but it is smaller than the first and relies more on quick turnaround time for the first drafts than anything else.

All I can say is I've been surviving on grace. And prayer.

Knowing that I would barely have time to pray (actually I have managed to make time, surprisingly enough) I've asked many of my friends to intercede for me during this crazy week and their prayers have worked.

God has been too kind, as B. would say. He has arranged my time to enable me to write (clients cancelling at critical moments). As long as I remained faithful and diligent, He created the opportunity.

Throughout this week, I've held Psalm 37:4 close to my heart: "Make the Lord your delight, and He will grant your heart's desire."

I get impatient and short when I am tired and panicky but I've made the effort to be find delight in situations and be "delightful".

I've endeavoured to put my best efforts into my writing, even when I've reached the point of giving up.

I've found the energy to teach and enjoy my time with clients despite the tiredness coursing through my body.

I have submitted my desire to Him: to be able to leave Singapore on July 22nd, secure in the knowledge that the job is done and done well.

I now leave it in His hands, claiming the proclamation of Gabriel to Mary, "With God, nothing is impossible".

A big thank you to my prayer warriors. This is to let you know your efforts have allowed me to make it through the week.

Alleluia. Amen.

Panic pill

I am in panic mode. I took on a huge writing project which I have to see to final proof stage by July 21^st, when I leave for Melbourne.

Right now, work has barely begun and the sheer volume of what lies ahead scares me for I am afraid I will not be up to the task and do a good job by the looming deadline.

Doubts and fears all crowd together within me, causing panic. Why did I take this on? Was I too greedy? Why am I so unrealistic about what I can and cannot do?

Today, I even struggled with going for mass – for I was strongly inclined to drop everything, even my precious time with God, in order to tackle the work.

I am glad I didn’t for the entire Eucharistic celebration was God’s assurance that His grace will see me through.

From the comforting notes of “Be not afraid, I go before you always...” to the readings where Paul reminds to walk in the Spirit which is mightily powerful, and where Jesus reassures us that He will carry our burdens: “Come to me, all you who work hard and who carry heavy burdens and I will refresh you”.

And so I laid my burden of fear at His feet and claimed His promise to refresh me. As we sang the recessional hymn, I received one final reassurance from Him:

“We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength, and we will fly like an eagle, we will rise again.”

There’s much to be said for spiritual panic pills.

Super heroes

As children, who among us has not idolized a particular figure who has super-human powers and uses it to save the world like Superman? We all need heroes to admire, to emulate; people who exemplify everything good that we are not yet but can possibly be; to hope in a better me, and consequently, a better world.

For me it was Batman, a hero who is smart, strong and untiring in his efforts to fight crime. That he has cool gadgets and the Batmobile, I have to admit, added to his mystique.

His personal story struck a chord in the young me as well. Here was a hero who experienced loss at a young age when he witnessed the murder of his parents, but grows up with a mission to fight evil in the world.

He has all he would ever want in terms of material wealth, but lacks a family in the true sense of the word. He has only Alfred, his butler, and Robin, the Boy Wonder, as members of his surrogate family.

Ultimately, he is alone in his world, the "Dark Knight" who can never regain the warmth of his childhood with doting parents who loved him, and so stands apart.

Lately, my heroes have morphed into real people. Just like Batman, they have unique personal histories that shaped who they were. Just like Batman, they were on a mission to transform the world.

Rowan Williams wrote that 'the self is not a substance one unearths by peeling away layers until one gets to the core, but an integrity one struggles to bring into existence'.

Peter, the brash, impetuous and rough fisherman, who denied Christ on three occasions through fear but later goes on to 'feed His lambs' with great courage and wisdom to the extent of being crucified upside-down.

Paul, the learned and devout Pharisee who is struck physically blind so that he may see Christ in his life and goes on to be 'all things to all men' and brings Christ's message of love and redemption to the Gentiles.

These are men who were true to themselves and lived their lives with integrity as best they knew how.

Not perfect, completely human with human weaknesses, but who lived in the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit and thus were able to be, and be models of love made in Christ's image.

I salute these two great missionaries, whose feast day we just celebrated Sunday past, and as it is the start of the Year of St. Paul*, I wish for more of his courage, his unflagging faith, his eloquence and ingenuity, and his ability to deploy his talents fully to transform the world I live in.


* The Church commemorates the 2,000th anniversary of the birth of St. Paul from June 28th, 2008 - June 29th, 2009.

Child's play

Last Sunday I took B-boy to visit my father at the columbarium as it was Fathers' Day and I wanted to wish my father.

As we stopped at the niche where my dad's ashes were, I said, "Hi Dad, Happy Fathers' Day" earning me a look from the five-year-old who clearly thought there was something wrong with his aunt who spoke to a photograph in the wall, but was too polite to say so. Good training, A.

I then proceeded to take him to visit my grandparents and aunt who were a wall away. As I pointed out the people I knew and told him stories of how some of them died, what they did, he soon thought I knew every soul in the columbarium.

He started asking me about other strangers "Who's this?" Running ahead and pointing to a niche "What happened to this person?" I had to spoil the excellent impression I had made on him by admitting "I don't know". Darn!

A child like B-boy readily accepts the authority of an adult for he thinks all adults are there to teach him about the world, not realizing that adults have much to learn from him.

How to be naive, innocent, to trust that the world is a safe and wondrous place, put there solely for his or her enjoyment and pleasure.

How to explore life with no fear, pushing the boundaries, testing limits to gain a better understanding of how the world works.

How to play. Be creative. Let the imagination roam free.

Believe that there is something, someone greater out there to be acknowledged and appreciated every day.

So, for a moment, stop being the responsibility-loaded adult you are and become a child again.

And play!

Father & child

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. A perfect day to be outdoors. Father and son walked onto the field to practise catching a baseball.

Father, a lithe figure, who moved with athletic grace and power, son a slender eleven-year-old, brimming with excitement at the opportunity to show his father how well he could catch a baseball.

"Keep your eye on the ball and place the mitt up to catch it," instructed Pa, who then threw a slow ball.

Ron cheered, "I caught it! I caught it!"

"Good," said his father smiling with approval, "Now throw it back to me and get ready for the next one."

Ron threw the baseball back to his father and Pa pitched another slow ball. Ron dropped it but caught the one after. Soon he was catching most of the balls that came his way.

"Alright, now I am going to throw a little harder, a little faster," warned Pa.

"OK, Pa."

As the afternoon progressed, the father began pitching hard, fast balls.

Soon Ron's hand was smarting from the impact of the ball as it hit the glove. Each time he caught a ball he winced.

"Does it hurt, Ron?" Pa asked.

"No, Pa," the boy replied, tossing the ball back at his father.

Soon it was time to go home and by then Ron's hand was tender and bruised.

"Well done, son, I am proud of you," smiled Pa.

Ron's heart filled with happiness at his father's words.

This afternoon would remain in his memory as a special day, a day where he and his father did something together, just the two of them. A day where his father told him he was proud of him.

Such days were indeed rare, for there was a war going on and with nine mouths to feed, Pa did not have the time nor the disposition to play with his seven children. Survival was foremost on his mind.

When Ron became a father, he honoured that memory by taking time to teach his children how to swim, how to play table-tennis, how to kick a soccer ball.

After all, this is what fathers the world over do, play with their children. From one generation to the next.

The simple life

I've been enjoying a lull in my teaching hours for it's the June hols and many clients with kids have gone away.

While it's a little worrying for income is taking a dip, I'm also glad for the chance to spring-clean and chuck things that are no longer relevant or necessary in my life. (I also get to spend more time with Mum and cook more which are good things.)

It's mentally very empowering although the sentimental streak in me does mourn the departure of some article of clothing or a treasured book that has given me much pleasure in the past.

I've grown quite merciless in getting rid of stuff for there is just too much clutter from my past lives and my environs must now keep pace with my outlook on life, which has been for the last several years to simplify.

Just looking at the amount of junk I've acquired through the years, I marvel that I do not need or crave for 'things' like I used to.

I suppose it helps when I've been there, done that and do not need to buy that bag just because it's so me and too simply to-die-for.

I've also come to the conclusion ("Finally!" my mum would exclaim - if you saw the amount of stuff I have you would understand where she is coming from) that happiness does not lie in acquiring or possessing material things or wealth.

And, there are other means of getting a buzz besides retail therapy.

Anthony Bourdain maintains that the poorer the country, the more inventive and delicious tasting the cuisine. From basic and usually discarded ingredients, a wonderful meal can be conjured.

So living a material-poor life does not mean I get any less pleasure out of life but rather I am more appreciative of what I already have, and I enjoy exercising my creative juices in gaining maximum output for minimum financial investment.

And yes, I've even created some simple, nutritious and delicious meals for two that cost under $5. While Bourdain may not concur on the latter description, he would have to concede on the former two.

As the psalmist proclaims in Psalm 4: "You, O Lord, have put joy in my heart; more than by giving me wine or food."

So with joy in my heart, I go back to pruning the excesses of my past.

Rock solid

It's easy to lose perspective when life looms enormous, pressing up against you suffocatingly, crushing you under its inexorable weight.

It's easy to be caught in depression's powerful undertow and be sucked under, never to surface again.

It's easy to feel like you're all alone in the world in the endless night, no one out there who will help you, even if they could.

I used to give in and let the darkness overtake me.

Stay away from God even though I know that prayer, talking to Him, would be my saving grace.

I use to question His existence and His omnipotence, disbelief oozing from every pore of my being.

Now I know that I had built my house on sand. My faith a frangible, brittle thing, unable to withstand any of the elements.

I succumbed to worldly distractions and settled for less. Wrestled with my demons and lost which resulted in massive amounts of self-pity and self-loathing.

So what transformed me? Perspective.

Watching my father valiantly fight a losing battle with lung cancer - a horrific, yet heart-wrenchingly beautiful spectacle.

As the disease gained control of his body, he found tremendous psychological and spiritual healing. He reverted to the faith of his childhood - rock solid was his belief in Jesus.

His faith was God's parting gift to him and it enabled him to live out his last days with such grace that it called to something deep within me.

The most precious thing my father bequeathed me was this house of faith built on rock.

And so I began to build my own house on the bedrock of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Before I placed the foundation, I had to tear down the house of lies and distortions that I had sought shelter in for over 30 years.

I had to face and slay the monsters of my childhood with the sword of Truth and reclaim the delightful, precious and beloved little girl living inside of me.

In accepting the gift of who I am, I began to build the house I was called to design with the talents I had been bestowed.

Erecting walls of love and truth, with sturdy doors of forgiveness, sparkling windows of beauty to allow the light to shine through, topped with a roof of goodness.

So when the storms of life batter the exterior of my house and rattle the windows, I am safe in the knowledge that my ever-growing faith will sustain me through the most destructive of hurricanes.

For Christ is my rock. My lodestone in life.

Be like Christ

The phrase “you are what you eat” is usually used as dietary warning. In other words, eat unhealthily and expect your body to protest at some point with health problems (sometimes fatal) or weight gain.

This took on a deeper meaning for me last Sunday, being Corpus Christi.

If I eat the body and drink the blood of Christ, the Eucharist, I will be nourished and healed. For I am transformed as I allow the real presence of Jesus into my body, and consequently into my heart and my life.

I will become more like Him as I die to my worldly self. Yet how often do I really take advantage of the power of the Paschal Mystery?

Do I allow myself to be who I eat? My glib response is yes, as long as no one crosses my path or rains on my parade.

It's hard to remain mindful and to practise virtue when sometimes it seems as if everyone (hates me) and everything (is too difficult) is out to get me.

Nobody appreciates, understands or cares for me.

When the world is a harsh, alien and hostile place and in the words of five-year-old Brian, "I don't like it!."

This is where it's important to lead a Eucharistic life, to have faith and believe that we can rise above our troubles and ourselves by walking closely with the Father, by becoming like Christ.

Jesus came to show us that the impossible is nothing (to quote the Adidas ad campaign) and He left us with two very powerful weapons in our fight against our own foibles - the Holy Spirit and the Eucharist.

And God gave us His son, the Word made flesh, flesh to become the sacrificial lamb who would bring redemption and hope to the world.

So when I am unable to make it to weekday mass to get my Eucharistic boost, I rely on the written Word to remind me of who I am and what I must do.

"When your words came, I devoured them: your word was my delight and the joy of my heart; for I was called by your name, Lord, God of Sabaoth." Jer 15:16

Sup well today.

Mother's Day

I was telling my mother just yesterday that I did not realize today is Mother's Day. I had to be reminded by A.

We both laughed and I went on to say to her, tongue in cheek, that it was because to me, every day is Mother's Day.

It was a promise I made to myself when Dad passed on to treat my Mum specially every single day.

Dad used to say to us, "When I am gone, you all will bully your mother." It would tick me off for I did not see myself as a bully, much less a mother bully.

Upon reflection, I found a kernel of truth in what he said.

Mum is a total sweetheart and she is the most easy-going person in the world. If I were to treat her badly, she would stomach it without saying a word.

So the potential to bully is very high.

In many ways, Mum reminds me of Mother Mary: her gentleness, her meek acceptance of life and her unending patience. I like to think I have inherited some of these traits despite having my Dad's trigger temper.

Friends, do tell me if I am deluded or not?

When people tell me I am a good daughter, I always say I am blessed with a good mother. Mum makes it easy for me to be a good daughter for she is so accepting of my flaws and she eats whatever I put in front of her, good and bad.

Because of her I have learned to be capable, resilient and independent.

I have learned to be in touch with my girly side.

I have learned that gentleness is a strength.

I have learned to laugh and delight in life, be content with what I have.

I have learned to be able to tell a phalaenopsis from a cattelaya and appreciate the beauty of both.



I thank the Lord for the gift of my mother and I pray she will be around for a long time still, for she is one of my anchors in life.

Spirit light

Photo of Halema`uma`u Crater

Source: Hawaiian Volcano Observatory

When molten lava is over 900 degrees C hot, it glows a bright orangey yellow, giving off light that can be seen from a distance.

I spent this Pentecost weekend attending a Life in the Spirit Seminar (LISS) facilitated by "Alex Loo Sdn Bhd" as Fr. Arro called the team.

Having attended one previously in 2003, I was not very keen on attending another except it happened to be in my parish. So to support the efforts of my parish community, I decided to attend.

Plus, what better way to spend Pentecost than to experience the Holy Spirit in a seminar that recognized and celebrated His power?

It was a spirit-full event and I came away with the Spirit burning even brighter in my heart, much like molten lava.

I am even more convinced of how much Jesus loves me and I feel truly blessed to have experienced that knowledge in my heart and soul, and not just merely in my mind.

What made it especially wonderful was that my cousin and her husband had attended the seminar as well. And it is very cool to witness a family member you love experience the power of the Holy Spirit for the very first time and be on fire. I feel like a proud mama!

Of course there was the drama of people resting in the Spirit, dropping like nine pins, a sea of healing tears and the heady rush of joy of a crowd 250-strong on a mutual spiritual high.

While being able to feel such elation and inner joy is great, faith is not merely emotion-driven.

For me, the most important message was in the final talk by Fr. Arro on how to grow in the Spirit.

He gave four simple ways on how we can continue to chart spiritual progress in our lives:

1) An eagerness and fidelity to prayer - switching to God's channel every day for some "quiet time" is vital for unless we give ourselves the chance to listen to God, we will not be able to know Him intimately and build a relationship full of vitality.

"Prayer is not magic," Fr. Arro reminded us. It should not be used as a means to get answers to questions in life. Rather prayer gives us the freedom to hear and love Him, to answer God's call, and consequently, know how to serve Him. Able to do the will of the Father, just like Jesus.

By starting the day with a question to the Father - "Show me how to love today?" - we will be better equipped to accomplish our mission daily, which is to sow seeds of love everywhere we go.

2) An eagerness and fidelity to reading and meditating on the Bible - Fr. A said the Bible should be our "best friend" and one we should look forward to spending time with, instead of viewing it as a chore we feel duty-bound to perform.

He encouraged us to use good Bible commentaries and attend Bible study courses to gain a better understanding.

While we may not understand everything, we must persist in reading consistently and systematically. In bite-sized pieces so as not to feel overwhelmed.

And the best starting point is to begin with is one of the four gospels.

3) To serve eagerly - with an open heart, we do whatever the Lord asks of us.

If we seek to be kingdom-builders, signs of God's love in the world, then we must see what is needed and do our best to fulfil the needs of the community by serving in the capacity we are called to by Jesus.

Always remember, it's not doing what I want to do, but doing what He wants me to do, whether I like it or not (and I won't like it much at times).

4) Accept that the process of forgiving and healing is a life-long one - there is no silver bullet or instant cure. Healing takes time, mostly a lifetime to achieve.

Even as we choose to forgive someone for hurting us, we may not have experienced healing.

And when healing does take place, we do not simply forget for "there is a duty of memory". However, if we can remember the past without bitterness, anger and a desire for revenge, then it is a sign of the presence of the Spirit within us.

We were reminded to avail ourselves of the power of the Eucharist in continuing the healing process.

Today I was given new heart, a new life in the Spirit. May the light shine bright always.

High fidelity

Audiophiles and avid photographers all seek perfection in music or photography. They spend tens of thousands of dollars on equipment that will reproduce sound or image that is as close to the real thing as possible.

This predilection for seeking perfection is completely human. Made in the image and likeness of God, we ourselves are closest to perfection when we strive to be like Jesus and when we are completely guided by the Holy Spirit.

However, when we get distracted by "noise" like fortune, fame, power and other worldly values, or when we have a distorted view of the world around us, we are unable to transcend our own fears, needs and values and we are hampered in our endeavours to be "perfect", selfless, like Jesus.

How do we rise out of our concupiscence, this desire for worldly things and the tendency to sin? How can we seek perfection and find it on this earth?

As is revealed in the readings this Ascension Day, we will receive power from the Holy Spirit to restore the kingdom - for it is through the spirit of wisdom and perception that we can hope in what we have been called to do and see the glories we stand to inherit through answering the call.

However, having the power but not exercising it is useless. This happens when we seek perfection in things that cannot last - perfection of the body, mind and material things instead of spiritual perfection. Or we ignore the call.

Seeking spiritual perfection does not mean we eschew pleasure and all things worldly. It does not mean we are called to live in the desert, away from all humankind.

Seeking spiritual perfection means we live by and in the Spirit by seeking the presence of God in our lives and surrendering our will to Him on a daily basis. It means answering the call to serve in the way we are each called to serve.

This requires work and fidelity of the highest order.

As St Paul exhorted the Romans:

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

So make it a perfect day. Stay faithful.


Note: High fidelity equipment enables minimal noise or distortion and produces sound that is pure.

Gifts of mystery

I cannot believe how incredibly fast the days have flown by. We are almost at the end of the Easter season.

It has truly been a season of new life for me - new ways of looking at and living out life which have presented real challenge lately.

For I found that I was spending more time feeling guilty about the things I had not been able to accomplish, things that I had wanted to do but had not physically or mentally been up to carrying out.

There are so many things on my to-do list, which seems to be growing longer faster than there are items scratched out from it.

I feel so out of control - one big disorganized mess and I am driving myself crazy, spiralling downward into complete chaos.

In the meantime, my body is protesting against my compulsive need to do everything, be everywhere at the same time and be all things to all people.

And so I have recently declared a sanity check and decided that I need to love myself a little more and affirm myself for being a good person. Go easy on myself.

Thus I have begun to look at the things I have accomplished, and which are usually dismissed as part and parcel of the daily grind of life and hence overlooked and unremarked.

Like how I cooked a delicious dinner tonight for Mum, my friend B. and myself and we had a good time. Everyone enjoyed the meal. The soup was rich in flavour, the mussel salad refreshingly piquant and the ginger chicken with mushroom was yummy.

So what if I didn't manage to mop the floor as I intended to today. I did sweep the floor. Yes, that deserves special mention.

During today's mass, Fr. Romeo remarked that we were given two gifts by God - one was love and the other was the Holy Spirit.

Love, not in the dreamy, romance novel kind of way, but a sacrificial act of love, and one that unleashes a redemptive force.

Just as Jesus' love for us was strong, concrete and dear, so too do we make His presence real in our lives when we act out of love.

The other gift that lives and moves deep within us is the Paraclete or the Holy Spirit. It vivifies and animates us, guiding us to engage others and life through action.

If we are Spirit-led, then we will receive the gifts and fruit of the Spirit, chief among which are wisdom, faithfulness, joy and peace, all great things to have.

Fr. Romeo called these two gifts mysterious for much as we try to wrap our brains around them, we can never understand them fully. We can only receive and appreciate, and in turn, give back.

If I rely on these two gifts, and the other gifts I have received as an individual to act in life, then I am good to go.

Go do what I can, on a daily basis, thanking the Creator for all things completed successfully and all things left unaccomplished.

The price of passion

Last Friday evening, JC, an old school-mate and good gal pal picked me up in her chauffeured-driven Bimmer and bought me dinner. We both had a great time catching up, sipping limoncello and wine, and dining on deliciously prepared Italian cuisine.

Her driver dropped me off after dinner and I walked up to my flat and into my room feeling distinctly blue.

There are aspects of my previous life that I miss at times. I miss dining out in ritzy restaurants on a whim. I miss travelling on business class. I miss taking off to exotic destinations or going on dive trips whenever I feel like it. I miss being able to buy something frivolous without batting an eyelid at the mind-boggling cost.

I DO mourn the loss of those fat paychecks and what I could do with them from time to time, even as I am grateful for the generosity of friends.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life the way it is now for I do NOT miss the stress, the inability to find meaning in what I did at work, the overwhelming despair I felt from being a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and the battering my self-esteem and self-worth took as I struggled to fit into an environment I found absurd.

I was living a life without passion and it was truly a meaningless existence, made interesting and bearable only by the pleasures that the financial spoils afforded.

Would I go back to such a life? The answer is a definite no.

Would I do it again, that is to walk away from my previous life knowing what I know now about the opportunity cost of such a decision? It's a resounding YES!

For the decision was not so much motivated by fear or an act of cowardice, but by love, a new-found passion - for Jesus.

There is a saying by Lao Tzu: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."

This revelation of love in my life gave me both strength and courage to "leave the boat" and "walk on water", to choose a radical approach in life by submitting my will in all things to the Father (remember I am an "all or nothing" kinda gal).

There has never been an easier or a more difficult decision in my life. While I've experienced great joy and gained much, I have also suffered great loss and grieved tremendously.

What makes it all worthwhile is how fulfilled I am in this living, spousal relationship I have with Jesus.

Yes, I can just hear my friend, PC, say how I've been brain-washed or "psychoed" myself into thinking this way for how can it be possible to have an intimate relationship with a man who walked this earth over 2,000 years ago?

To paraphrase the angel Gabriel: "All things are possible with God."

Even as I experienced desolation last Friday evening, He spoke to me comfortingly and prophetically in the gospel of the day, words that were again echoed during Sunday mass two days later (see John 14) and at the Shaping Progress talk that ICPE's Woman to Woman ministry organized at CANA that afternoon.

There is a price to pay for passion, Jesus paid for it with His life as he sought to do the will of His Father.

If I choose spiritual progress, to become more and more like Him, then I, too, must be willing and able to pay the price.

Albert Camus said: "A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing."

I hope to spare nothing in pursuing my passion for "the Way and the Truth and the Life" every day.