Lasting fruit

Just this week, I was asked by Nickynic, my cousin A.'s son, to be his confirmation sponsor. To 'fulfil' the role, I started quizzing him at the dinner table. "So, what are the fruit of the Spirit?" A typical teenager, he was clueless. Little did he know, I was no better, for I have but a vague recollection myself. Now, that won't do at all. How am I supposed to be a role model to this man-child? Plus my other three god-sons and newly minted god-daughter? So onto the Net I went.

While St. Paul quote nine in Galatians 5:22: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...", the tradition of the Church lists twelve: "charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, chastity".

These are virtues I aspire to, on a daily basis, failing miserably in some and making some headway in others. Purely by grace alone, lemme tellya.

Given the stress I've placed myself under by deciding to take my Polestar Pilates exam end-March, while having committed myself to a major writing project with Sr. Julia and helping out with B.'s Subway venture, patience is severely lacking. I sometimes feel I've turned into this grouchy old trout. It doesn't take much to trigger the screaming banshee inside of me who emerges as a selfish, self-righteous virago. I don't like myself much when this happens and it's happening with alarming frequency, much to my dismay. Ah yes, much prayer needed here.

While we are called to bear fruit, we can only do so if we abide in Him. Financial success, fame, power, these are not lasting fruit, especially when we forget that everything comes from Him and we should, in turn, share what we have received. Worse yet, some fruit of the Spirit are perceived as signs of weakness in today's world and disparaged as archaic, out-moded.

Sometimes I feel as if I am living in the Twilight Zone for what I hold dear and values I subscribe to are "all so last season, dah-ling" and I am tempted to "get with the programme", abandon the course I've charted these last few years and be the smart cookie who makes it big.

When I attended the Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore, India in 2003, the first Word I received was this: "I am the vine, you are the branches." I have since learnt that this beautifully written metaphor of the vine comes from John 15. It resonates with me whenever I read it and I am renewed by this exhortation by Jesus. Time and time again. For we are called to live in the Spirit. Utterly. Totally.

So what if what I do now is rejected as stupid and self-indulgent? Or I am perceived as lazy, irresponsible, ineffective, a failure and a screwball? So what if I lost everything I wanted so much in life by leaving the boat, like Peter, to walk on water? Miracles can only happen if we follow Him and follow through with what we believe in.

Sometimes there are great costs attached to it for dying unto one's self, one's worldly desires is no easy task. And yet, I would gladly lose all I have again, despite the heartache, for the miracles I have experienced, the truths that have been revealed to me, the riches I have received are beyond measure. This deep, intimate communion with Jesus, as the Mastercard ad goes: Priceless.

Let me be like a tree planted in the house of the Lord:

"In old age they still produce fruit; they are always green and full of sap." (Psalm 92:14)

Love of duty

Duty - a word my paternal grandmother used a lot to insist how a person should behave. The trouble is when one is compelled to do something - which is invariably the case when it comes to duty - then the motivation is usually wrong, and the task is accomplished grudgingly and joylessly. Righteousness with no love, not a lovely sight. Much like how a Pharisee behaved, I would imagine.

I've always felt that way with regard to going to Malacca. An onerous trip that I HAD to undertake to take care of legal affairs for my mother and dead father. I have always found the place boring, with little appeal. However, this time, I decided to offer it up to Jesus and I asked Him to bless the time spent there.

It is no coincidence that this trip coincided with Epiphany, a time where the seeking Magi found the infant Jesus and honoured him as king with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. I experienced my own epiphany, that a-ha moment where I found something precious in an unlikely place.

Malacca is a place very dear to my mother's heart for her mother came from Malacca and she herself spent a portion of her childhood there (during the school holidays and the Japanese Occupation). She has many cousins there and she must have had a ball of a time growing up. It must've been a magical time for her - a time of carefree, childhood innocence.

This trip, I noticed how much my mother is in her element when she is there. She transforms into another person - a gregarious, confident nonya with a sense of mischief. Those of you who know my mother will know her as a sedate and quiet woman, not given to playfulness. Not someone, even as girl, that you would picture chasing her cousin around with a worm to tease her.

It was a delight to see how much she enjoyed interacting with her cousins, and as a consequence, I enjoyed myself very much. Her cousins are all lovely people - very hospitable and chatty so I was quite happy to shoot the breeze with them or just listen to them natter away in their patois of Malay, Hokkien and English, understanding about 80% of the conversation.

Her Malaccan friends are truly the salt of the earth as well, and I enjoyed hanging out with them and appreciate how much they have assisted my parents, and now, Mum, with the car and other matters. So it was a time flavoured richly with fellowship and goodwill.

It definitely helped that I had the opportunity to taste the most wonderful chendol at this obscure little weekend place (opposite lamp post 87 on Bukit Rambai) that my parents discovered through friends. And gorge on satay babi and nonya laksa. Yum. Only thing I didn't sample this trip was the satay celup. Yes, food is the carrot for me.

So duty can be something that one looks forward to and takes great pride in carrying out, especially when love is present in the action.

New year, new beginning

I've always wondered why people made such a big deal about the new year. To me, it's always been just another new day. And new year resolutions made are mostly never kept. I suppose what's so significant about it is it signals a new beginning, a chance to wipe the slate clean and begin again. Although, life typically doesn't happen that way, with such neat precision.

Being a perfectionist, I tend to review the year past with a 'glass half-empty' perspective - looking at the things I didn't manage to get done or accomplish, the failures, the broken dreams... Then I read this reflection in last quarter's Living Faith extracted from Jean Vanier's book Be Not Afraid which inspired me.

Essentially it calls us to live in the Spirit in all our relationships NOW, and not worry about the future. Live in the moment, just like children. We will be given the strength to live out the "joys, the sufferings, the peace, the hopes" if we "trust in God's love". Surrender and relax.

What struck me the most was this: "He doesn't want us to be perfect. He wants us to be confident that He will give us strength". So instead of beating myself up for my shortcomings, or holding myself up to impossible standards, I have learnt to rejoice at who I am and what I have done in the here and now.

All told, 2006 was quite a year for me and I am proud of what I have achieved, and not achieved. I gained much, in terms of wisdom and self-awareness. I loved much. I cried much. I laughed much. I strove much. In short, I experienced the joys and sufferings of everyday life and was able to thank the Lord for His blessings through it all.

Sure, I didn’t do a couple of things I REALLY wanted to, like take the time to cultivate a contemplative heart, read up more and learn more about certain saints I admire, do a silent retreat, go diving, but I mostly allowed Him to manage my time and I was busy happy/satisfied.

I am a little daunted at what lies ahead for there are many things to do in the coming months that require discipline and effort on my part to get done successfully. And as always, I am unsure if I will be able to do a good job. Therefore, I must rely on His strength. And like Mother Mary, I will allow Christ to be born in me and through me, and treasure all the messages I receive, continually pondering over them.