Lenten renewal

It's a very rare day today for I have no clients and I actually have some time to slow down before I pick my grandson up. I have space to breathe rather than be on the go from the time I wake up till the time I lay my head on my pillow.

I realize that what I had in January was an RSV which truly knocked me out for six. I am still battling fatigue, but it is not that extreme fatigue I felt, and I am heartened for I am finally able to exercise without incurring too much pain due to the sprained ankle. It has been a frustrating period of wanting to keep up my fitness level and yet, literally been hamstrung by the tight muscles and pain in my body. Today I feel good, post-pickleball (the second time I have played since I sprained my ankle). There is finally light at the end of the tunnel of my ankle recovery. 

What have I learned during this period of struggle which also coincides with Lent? There will always be some level of pain and struggle involved in daily life, but the challenge is to not let it affect how I behave. This requires me to be in touch with my darkness and not let it overwhelm me: the anger, fear and depression, the ennui that seeps into my spirit and constantly threatens to transform me into a selfish virago. 

I am grateful for this season of Lent for it has reminded me to constantly turn to God in all things, to offer Him my pain and my failures, my stupidity when I persist in insalubrious acts, and to start again; to exercise wisdom and temperance as well as to be patient, forgiving, amiable and generous. 

Renew my heart. Restart when I fail. Come back to a place of love where I am at one with Him. This has been my Lenten sacrifice: to attempt to go beyond myself; to strip myself of my selfish tendencies and to put others first, namely Jesus. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my blind complacency and to seek excellence in everything I do even though I am tired and limping. It doesn't matter that my first fruits are not perfect, what matters is my heart, my attitude, do I truly desire to give my best to the Lord? I don't often succeed but I cannot stop trying.

While I often feel I am inadequate and simply too sinful to be of any good, renewal calls for me to be in a state of movement, moving always towards Him. And so, I give thanks for today, and for all the days to come that are too full for my liking and filled with tasks I am not overly fond of. He is there with me and with Him, everything will be alright.        

Light perspective

January has been a vortex of activity that has threatened to cripple me. Besides grappling with deep fatigue due to helping out more with the grandkids, I have had to deal with a sprained ankle and being on the cusp of illness a couple of times. It has made for frustrating times as I am trying to ramp up my own fitness. I have been short-tempered due to pain and insufficient rest, and yet, my happiness quotient has been on a high. 

Going back to attending weekday mass frequently has help centre me, and given me the fortitude I needed to deal with all the change in this new year. I know that I will eventually be able to deal with my new schedule with aplomb, and I look forward to my body making the adjustments. 

The joy I’ve experienced these past weeks have come from spending more time with P who is now on a three-day work week, more face time with my grandkids, topped off very nicely with two weddings and a baptism. 

Both weddings were young couples P and I journeyed with during their RCIA journeys, so it was just lovely to be part of the festivities. Not only was the earthly joy palpable, but the heavenly. The joining of two in matrimony is a union that most resembles the union of Christ and the Church that happens at every Eucharistic celebration and therefore best represents the union each of us is called to with Christ Himself. It brought home to me the beauty of my own wedding day, and I am ever grateful of how that day marked the beginning of a vocation that has given me so much fulfilment as well as how it drew me into a deeper and more profound relationship with Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom. 

The baptism I attended of baby A was in the very church I was baptized just 12 days after I was born. Again, this serendipity made me reflect on my own faith journey. The sacrament of baptism marked me as one of God’s chosen, but it took me years before I wore that identity with passion, and chose to live out this gift intentionally seeking out holiness; to be bread broken for others, as I myself rely completely on the Eucharist. May baby A never take her baptismal covenant lightly and grow to love Christ with an effervescent love.

 

Amid the joy has been loss - deaths that have touched people I know, the birthday of a much-loved cousin who is no longer here, and the news of the death of J, who was in our first RCIA outing as sponsors. 

My major takeaway this month is to not let fear paralyze me and stop me from acting, from doing what is right. And, most of all, to strive to see the light, even in what appears to be darkness.  

Psalm 36:9 For with you is the fountain of life. In your light we see light.