Resting in Him

Can one be in a place of consolation and desolation at the same time? I’d like to think that there is where I am right now. While I can see all the goodness of God in my life, how He places His hand of protection over me in inexplicable ways, and I can experience gratitude and joy from all the little and plentiful miracles showered on me, I am in a funk, no mistake about it, and it shows.

I am highly irritable, some of which can be attributed to lack of sleep, but mostly, I feel within me a lack of patience which breeds a lack of compassion and understanding. I am snappy and quite disagreeable. I find myself highly irritating, for there is this perpetually sour and crabby person within me, who is highly critical and cannot shut up. I am unsure if I can ever shut her down, and I fear that she will get the better of my intentions to be a likeable, lovable person whom people gravitate towards as I endeavour to be more Christ-like.

It is at times like these that I desperately miss E, who would always know what to say to challenge me and put fresh heart into me. She had this rare ability of channelling the Father’s needed mercy that brought relief and healing to my weary and broken interior, and this made me whole again, willing and able to continue the journey of being God’s broken healer to the world. The Spirit would give her the words to put a finger on what was wrong and what needed to be repented and renewed. Or rather you would be made aware of it yourself, for change can only come from self-awareness and self-acceptance, plus the willingness to want to be transformed, to change.

Of course I am aware that Jesus, the Holy Spirit, is the ultimate Counselor and Healer, and I have direct recourse to Him, but I just miss hearing His voice through E. My SD just asked me if I was lonely, and I replied, I am, I am lonely for her love, her friendship, her companionship and gentle guidance. I don’t often articulate this thought, but I guess the conference in KL really brought this to the fore. I kept meeting people who knew her and loved her, and they shared stories of how she transformed their lives. Dammit, I want her to continue transforming my life, as she did in the past. I need her to see the best of me when I am unable to see it myself, and to articulate it to me, which she did so well, so that I know I am on the right path. There isn’t anyone who can receive me the way she did, and give to me the love I need, as she did. And I know she is missed in this respect by many in my community for how she loved each and every one of us in the way we needed to be loved.

And so I go for reconciliation more frequently and I can only pray that that I learn to receive the love of the Lord more through the people and situations of my everyday life. SD reminded me that we don’t just hear His voice when we are deep in prayer, but it is in the mundane and banal details of our lives.

I can also continue to hope that it will not be such a colossal struggle to acquire the virtue of gentleness, I look forward to the day that it will be second nature to me and I don’t have to power through the inner processes of weeding out the uncharitable, ungracious, hateful thoughts that surface so readily. SD also reminded me to let go of my burdens and to take on Christ’s yoke and burden which are easy and light respectively. Silly me for trying to go it alone. I will give desolation a rest today and simply rest in Him.

More, like you

While attending a conference in Kuala Lumpur by the Institute for World Evangelisation, ICPE Mission, the Catholic lay community I belong to, I was completely captivated by a painting of the Eucharist which adorned the front of the altar. I wanted to know where I could actually get a similar image but never got round to asking the organizers. Plus, I figured I could shop online. Lo and behold, it was an original painting done by my community sister B who lives in KL. I texted her to tell her how taken I was with it and she promptly gifted it to me. I was thrilled and felt really loved and honoured by her.

B had painted it in four minutes flat, in preparation for an outreach she did in 2018, where she decided to showcase her gift of art. The painting was a response to the question: What is so special about being Catholic? B felt that as a Catholic, she was united with all her brothers and sister universally – past, present and future – when she received Jesus in the sacrament of the Eucharist.  

She used the background splash of colours to represent how the Body and Blood of Christ burst forth life and love onto and into everyone, and everything under the sun. Our God is always lavish with His love, like the sower who wastefully sows seeds everywhere, even on the path and rocky ground, and His extravagant love flows from that one tiny piece of unleavened bread and a singular goblet of wine.

When B asked me how her piece spoke to me, I said it is only when I place Christ before me (and within me and around me), that I am able to see what is true, good and beautiful emerge in my life, as represented by the vibrant colours. Through Christ, my world comes fully alive, in real living colour. That the colours were like a rainbow reminded me of how God always calls me to be in covenant with Him, to allow myself to experience a fulfilling intimacy that can only come from bonding with Him sacramentally. It implies a full-hearted yes as answer from me.

I placed B’s painting in between my grandchildren’s creations and what came to me, on the Feast of the Transfiguration, was this: as individuals, we are like single fish swimming along, beautiful and complex in our beings, but if we have not encountered the Lord, our world, and we, ourselves, are devoid of colour. We live in a world that is flat, maybe even dark, without colour, as solitary creatures, lacking real purpose and identity.

However, in a personal encounter with the living Christ, we cannot help but be transformed. The true colours of our identity emerge, for the colourful rays of Christ’s love have touched us and we have been sealed by the Holy Spirit. And so we can go out, together, as missionary disciples, to spread the joy of the Good News to everyone. We can live and breathe the hope and light of the kerygma, enabling those around us to believe that life can be so much more than what it is, just because Jesus came to save us by His life, death and resurrection. Love, this salvific love, the act of dying to self, for the better of the other, is what it is all about, as followers of Christ.

While the parameters of my life haven’t changed very much since returning home from the conference, I do feel renewed in my faith, and I know that more is expected and required from me, as more was just so recently given to me. Challenges lie afoot.

The word, magis, sums it up for me, which is the Latin word for more. What do I desire in my life? If indeed it is more of Christ in my life, which it is, then I can only strive to do more for Him, for His greater glory. Thus, I must be more, every single day, without fail. And maybe, just maybe, I can grow more and more into the person He sees in me, a me of whom I only have occasional glimpses.

Dear Lord

Make me more

Like you

So I can be more

Your hands your feet

Light in the darkness

Comfort in sorrow

Strength in sickness

Courage in fear

Peace in desolation

Food for the hungry

Life to those who are bereft

Make me more

By Your grace