Living the questions

During my recent day of recollection with the liturgical ministries of Blessed Sacrament Church, Brother Dominic came with many questions for us to reflect on so that we can each work on transforming our ministry into community. He quoted Rainer Maria Rilke on living with the questions in our life rather then pushing them aside:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Brother Dominic encouraged us to sit with the questions in our life, to reflect constantly on why we do the things we do in our quest for answers in our life. If we do not know the questions, then the answers may not mean much either to ourselves or others, and we risk being jaded and burnt out, especially during the times when we don't seem to be making much headway.

He reminded all present that there is a universal call to holiness which we exercise and grow only when we live it out actively in ministry, serving others as bread broken, blessed and shared. Because ministry is collaborative and communal by nature, we have to dialogue face to face and work hand in hand together. The one who gives, receives, as the one who receives also gives. This dynamism of service is most strongly evinced in the sharing of lives, the telling of our own personal stories.

Brother Dominic also encouraged us to see our brokenness as as starting point for the light of Christ to enter and fill us even as it heals us, and to then allow ourselves to reflect that same light to others, bringing relief. It is mostly through our suffering that we learn to be more compassionate and less competitive. He stressed that compassion does not come naturally and we require spiritual strength to view the world in a more fraternal and Christ-like manner.  When we reach out and share through our brokenness, this encourages and gives hope to those around us.

My lesson from this weekend is that I should continue to live the questions as richly and reflectively as I did before I got married.

When I look back at the last 13 years of single life, I had to  live out the many questions of my vocation of marriage and motherhood in creative and unique ways. What I draw from those years is that all things are indeed possible with God, and there is deep satisfaction in being obedient to the Father and willing to go His way, for He will lead you down paths you would not otherwise choose. Consequently I developed a vibrant and Abrahamic kind of faith.

Having now experienced just over a year of marriage, I find myself living the questions of my vocation with increased intensity. There is a whole spectrum of questions, and I have to lean on Jesus more than ever. Plus, Mother Mary helps me with a feminine perspective on dealing with life. Those 13 years pale in comparison to the complexities that I am faced with today. However, the blessings are manifold.

The second reading of last Sunday's Liturgy of the Word, 1 Corinthians 7:32-37, spoke strongly to me: how a married woman must concern herself with things of the world and devote her time to her husband. Marriage necessitates a change in how I go about serving the Lord. I need to love the Lord by being pleasing to my husband and the children, and yet, I cannot allow marriage to be a distraction that draws me away from Jesus. Questions are needed to ensure I do not fall into the trap of the latter. Only wisdom of divine nature can assist me in treading the fine line of ministry within and without my marriage, just as the Spirit will guide me to ultimately be pleasing to my Father in heaven.

Whatever our vocation and the vicissitudes of that vocation, there is just one simple guideline that predicates love of neighbour, and that is to love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind. If I live out the hows, wheres, whats, whens and whys in close reference to Jesus, then living the questions becomes an altogether simpler yet more profound experience.

Celebrating a life well lived

It has happened yet again, someone I love has in the space of just over a day disappeared from this earth. Yes, life is fragile, time is finite, death is inevitable and all that, but when death wields an unexpected stroke, it leaves me slightly numb. We were just planning a visit in March to Melaka to see her and Mum's other relatives and friends, but now, Mum and I are in Melaka to attend the funeral tomorrow morning.

The only consolation is Aunty I did not suffer much. She had a fall last Thursday around lunchtime, hitting her head on the floor. There was bleeding in the brain, and despite efforts to move her to a hospital in KL for treatment, she passed on Friday evening.

 Aunty I is close in age to my mother and they grew up as playmates during the Japanese Occupation along with a bunch of other cousins. She is the only one who could relate a story of my mother as a playful girl chasing a screaming Aunty I around the garden with an earthworm lodged between her fingers. If you met my mother you could never imagine she had it in her to be mischievous. But then again, Aunty I would have been a great victim for she had a sunny and forgiving nature, and had a loud scream.

When talking to Aunty I, my mother became loquacious and animated. We've had some great times over the years, me listening to them chatter and laugh over the stories she would relate to us. Aunty I was insouciantly cheerful and had a huge store of funny stories to tell us. I will miss her infectious laugh and laid-back bonhomie. She was a true Melakan nonya who welcomed us with warm hospitality and easy smiles, always wanting to feed us.

Tonight as I listened to relatives and friends pay tribute to her, I am reminded that Aunty I was a woman of great faith, simple and strong. She was constantly praying for others and I am sure she blessed me with prayer over the years as well.

As Pastor Sam said it's not so important how one died (seeing as how her death was so sudden), but rather it is good to ask how one lived? Aunty I lived a full life for she touched many people's lives and brought many to Jesus, especially her own family members. She was sweet, kind, generous and humble as she laboured tirelessly in the Lord's vineyard, winning hearts for Him through prayer.

While I am sad I will never hear her laugh again, I rejoice that she is now with Jesus, a just reward for always placing Him first in her heart and life. It was a good way to go, quick with a modicum of suffering - she was definitely favoured by God. I celebrate her irrepressible spirit and unyielding faith with a wish to be even a quarter of the prayer warrior she was. Then I would move mountains like she has.

Till we meet again, dear Aunty I, may eternal rest and perpetual light be yours.

Sitting next to Aunty I in happier times

Seven words for the new year

It is officially 2018! P and I welcomed in the new year by attending late night mass on New Year's Eve, giving thanks for the 12 months before, and also for Mary, Mother of God. Would that we both have half her courage and love for the Father and her Son, then the year ahead will be one filled with great things as we both magnify the Lord in all we do in the new year.

What do I wish for in 2018? That I will spend more time in contemplation. If 2017 is any indicator of how life is, it will not slow down. Apart for that, I am bringing across what was good for me in 2017 to the new year:

Breathe. No matter how stressful the situation, I can control how I deal with it even though I cannot control the situation itself. Being uptight and grouchy will not help me, or those around me. Release the tension. Breathe in and breathe out the name of Jesus, and let it be. Jesus will point the way forward, just follow Him obediently. His is always the best way.

Accept. In life, there will be always be upsets, spills, losses, breakdowns and betrayals. Expect that life will not be perfect or go my way all the time. Find beauty, instead, in the snarls and chaos - it is there. And give thanks that I will grow stronger from adversity. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ so there is nothing to fear. or to throw a hissy fit, for we already own the Good News and we are already living in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Remember. Although my memory grows poor as I age, I can remember to count my blessings, and commit to memory all the times I have been given much. Plus, every day, there are new blessings to celebrate. As Hebrews 13:8 reminds us: God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the loving Father, generous to a fault. He wants only the best for us and gives us just that. The question is whether I let myself experience His abundant love every day so that I am able to love others as He loves them.

Affirm. I spent too much of 2017 complaining and criticising, bad habits of a lifetime that I am resolved to change. It is not impossible to do so and I will do as Fritz recommended last year, and that is to pray immediately after I receive communion that Jesus heals me of a particular sin. Jesus came not only to redeem me but also to help me break free from sin. I am wasting a golden opportunity to be rid of sin if I don't allow the power of the Eucharist to administer to my faults and transform my sinful nature.

Laugh. There is nothing like humour to lighten the load and turn a bad day around. I need to be able to poke fun at myself when I get ridiculous or too intense. Laugh when all I want to do is cry. Laugh when I feel like pulling my hair out. Laugh just for the fun of it. And if I can make others around me laugh, too, I have done well for laughter heals and mends hearts, deepens the bonds of any relationship, and often brings much-needed perspective.

Offer. If I offer my life daily up to Jesus, I will hold lightly in my hands all my sorrows and my joys, all my losses and my victories. I will not be tempted so much by pride, nor will I succumb to addiction so easily. I can work on acquiring virtue without becoming vain, and I will walk with humility to see him more clearly, love him more dearly and follow Him more nearly.

Magnify. And glorify the Lord as Mary did with her life. His will, all the time - this makes the great moments greater, turns the impossible on its head, and multiplies the five loaves and two fish I possess in order to feed many. It can be done. Our Mother always believed, never lost hope and loved with all her heart. I can do the same. Her gentle attentiveness due to her rich interior life has helped me master my own inner storms and I know she will continue to steer me through the days to come.

I hope to achieve these seven words every day. If I do, I know it will be a good year.