Divine Mercy victories

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. It is also the Easter Octave. Little did I know when I made an appointment to meet up with P last Divine Mercy Sunday that slightly over a year later we would be happily married. Truly, God's mercy knows no end. It took us both almost a lifetime to find each other, but it is definitely worth the wait.

Although I had always wondered why it was revealed to me the marriage, and motherhood, was my vocation over a decade ago, I also knew that I was probably not ready for the real thing, and so nothing happened. I had also come to the conclusion that if it never came to pass, it was perfectly okay. I was happy.

Jesus was 'all the man that I need' as Whitney Houston crooned. I crucified my desires for a life partner on the cross and resurrection came in the form of my ICPE Companions community, my Woman to Woman Ministry, my Saint Teresa's community, my work, my friends, and all the opportunities to fine-tune a heart set on Jesus as my eternal Bridegroom. It was more than enough. Then P came along, twelve and a half years later, thanks to Divine Mercy.

My reflection this Easter is how much marriage mirrors both the Passion and Easter - the rites of crucifixion, death and resurrection. Unless we crucify our sins and our selfish inclinations for self-serving happiness, unless we die to self, crippling habits and set ways of doing things, we cannot be open to the Spirit leading us into fully experiencing the joy and satisfaction of building a relationship that best mimics the penultimate, desirable relationship with God.

Marriage is the icon of our eternal and blissful nuptial union with Jesus in the afterlife. Marriage points us to heaven. I am greedy, I want to experience marriage with Jesus in the here and now. This desire forms the basis of my marriage with P. I therefore attempt to live out crucifixion, death and resurrection every day. I willingly accept 'suffering', by killing off my own ego and my fears, and I stay optimistically open to divine resurrection that breathes new life and form into my days. I can remain hopeful because I know exactly how much He loves me for He has demonstrated His love countless times before, and continues to do so on a daily basis.

Radical change so late in life is not easy but, again, Divine Mercy plays a huge part in making the transition from single to married seem fairly effortless and painless. I am grateful for all the help I have received to be able to 'see' what my human mind cannot see, and to 'know' what to do, especially when I experience hurt and anger, or when I really do not know what to do.

Last night, I attended a concert by the DVC Youth Choir from the Church of Saint Ignatius called Victory Stories. Apart from being highly enjoyable, it was inspiring to see how God has worked miracles in the lives of these young people, and that each victory story was one that testified to the Lord's bountiful mercy. When we seek Him with sincere hearts, He does not disappoint, even if it may take time.

My take away this Easter is to continue to trust and to hope, and as my Easter egg 'fortune' (Romans 12:12) reminded me: Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Seeing as this Word was given to me before marriage several times, and once again last night, I will receive this Easter gift with a joyous and grateful heart. Thank you, Jesus, for your Divine Mercy. You reign victorious!

Battling the menopausal blues

I had lunch with J yesterday and I realised that the one thing most women do not seem to know much about is menopause or the period leading up to it - perimenopause or premenopause. It can be a trying time, and some symptoms can last for as long as 10 years.

Some women are blessed for they seem to breeze through it, while others, like myself, experience a whole plethora of wonderful stuff like mood swings, hot flashes, sensitivity to sound and smell, foggy brain, poor memory, insomnia, weight gain (especially around the middle), anger that is not proportionate to the situation, increased irritability, and even severe depression. There is also dry skin, thinning hair, reduced neuromuscular coordination and unexplained aches and pains, not to mention the dark circles and eye bags from the lack of sleep.

It doesn't help when as women in our forties and fifties, we have achieved much in our lives already, and suddenly, we seem to be fumbling big time. On top of this, we have to contend with ageing woes and feeling unattractive. It is hard to accept our physical limitations brought about by the change of life, the decreased energy levels and the lethargy that seems to set in so that all we want to do is retreat from the world. Everything just seems too difficult. We don't want to get out of bed. We give up very easily. Then we beat ourselves up for being in this state of torpor, yet are unable to rise above it.

When we fly into rages, we hate ourselves after, for we should have known better. Self-hate seems to be the flavour of the season. I sometimes feel like a crazy person and a failure, someone who just cannot get her act together. My IQ has dropped drastically and, I find myself doing really stupid things, both mortifying and  unforgivable.

I know I am not sick, and that all this will go away eventually (I seem to be over the worst of it),  but there are days sheer exhaustion takes over and I just don't want to engage in the world, or I feel very unlovable and unworthy of being loved. I cannot seem to let go of my own mistakes, and I dwell, I brood on less than perfect situations, never mind that everybody else has already forgotten about it, or never even noticed anything was wrong in the first place.

So, ladies, if you are experiencing any of the above, take heart, it could just be a hormonal thing. There are things you can do to alleviate the severity of some of the symptoms. Do some research, and experiment to see what works for you. Personally, my life-savers include miso and seaweed soup for the hot flashes, progesterone cream for the insomnia, and exercise for general well being and to rebuild the marked loss of muscle. I even tried TCM for a short period of time, and it has worked.

A vital part of going through perimenopause and menopause is to maintain and lean on a strong support system. Act against the inclination to go it alone, to be the independent and capable woman you are. It's no crime in being needy at times. Share with loved ones how you feel, and get the necessary TLC  you need from good women friends - please do not veer off the path and seek inappropriate validation from others that will only increase your misery in the long run. It's perfectly alright to be vulnerable and weak, and not to have all the answers in life. I am grateful for good friends and my mother who have eased my passage through their care and concern.

Quality and frequent quiet time with Jesus has been another requisite for me - to rest in my identity as Beloved, especially when I feel like a zero. Prayer has been my mainstay through the worst patches, as well as daily mass and regular reconciliation. I have learned to let go and to let God take over. What is not within my control is certainly within His, thus, leaning on His understanding enables me to deal with my reality and my frustrations daily.

Every season of life will have its challenges and the menopausal years are no different. We can, however, choose how we deal with it. Pragmatism, prayer and lots of exercise go a long way. Give it a shot.

His grace is enough

Before I got married I was struggling with a lot of fears. What if we cannot make each other happy? What if I lose my freedom, my identity, that I have worked so hard through the years to claim? What if love is not enough to work through all our differences? What if I am simply not good enough, not up to the state of matrimony and all it encompasses?

I have always understood the gravitas of marriage as a vocation to be entered into as if one were to enter into the priesthood or religious orders. It is a decision to be undertaken seriously, and not for selfish, self-serving reasons. Sacrifice ensues. Hence my process of discernment was peppered with increasingly nervous questions without any clear answers.

C and S helped diminish my anxiety with their love and support through the months leading up to marriage. In the sharing of their own journey, I was greatly encouraged. C shared that he lost all his fears on their wedding day. The sacramental graces received made all the difference. S shared the importance of allowing God to minister to the marriage through time, and to keep persevering in prayer. Transformation is patently possible, but it takes time, lots of it.

Coming up to four months of marriage, I am still amazed at how God has been so generous to me, to us. Like C, I have lost a lot of my fears, and I find I am strengthened and made whole by P's love every day. There is such liberation and joy in being cherished and respected by my husband (I hope he experiences as much goodness in his life as I do in mine).

The power of the Sacrament of Marriage is not to be underestimated. P and I rely on it continuously. There are good days when I can see beyond my own myopic vision, and when I am unable to, I am given the patient wisdom of Mother Mary's to ponder these things in my heart, until situations unfurl in unimaginable and marvellous ways.

I am able to subsume my will, and to let go of my own ideas of how things should be, and therefore to open the door to the graces of the Holy Spirit and let them flow where they will. I find myself constantly living out God's promise of "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

It is a challenge to play in a new arena of life for all the rules have changed and the landscape is completely alien to me and not without lurking giants and towering obstacles. There are also things I mourn from my past, and yet, having put my hand on the plough of marriage, I do not look back but must train my gaze to look front despite my aching heart.

In our bedroom is a much beloved wedding gift (thanks A, I was so thrilled when I first unscrolled the document and saw it), an Apostolic Blessing from Pope Francis, and it reminds me that P and I have been given daily divine graces when we consecrated our love at the altar. Every day I pray for those divine graces for I know, on my own strength, I will fail dismally.

I will never be good enough for I am a sinful and wretched woman. Likewise, P will always have his own faults and shortcomings, but we can have, will have, a good marriage as we take our time growing into it together. It is sufficient that we each desire to love Jesus and follow in His footsteps. This one desire will anchor us in all seasons, and keep us in harmonious unity. His grace is more than enough to lead us there. 

First year anniversary

Since you left 
I have picked up the pieces
Of my shattered heart
Glued and taped together again
In stoic resolution
The valves that once 
Whooshed with glee
As we whiled the afternoon away 
Eating nonsensical 
Life-giving chocolate cake
I even got married_
You would have approved
Been happy for me
He is gentle (like you)
Loves me veritably (like you did)
Life does percolate new flavours 
Bursting with colour and verve
I carry the bag you made
Wear your stylish sensibilities 
With great fondness 
So you are never far away
In fact the jagged gaps 
In my heart remind me 
All the time.

Hoping heroically

I find it most ironic that the more I worry about my ageing mother, the more impatient and intolerant I am with her infirmities. It is as if I cannot accept her ageing. Every sign of forgetfulness, every little mistake she makes is greeted with an incredulous query, and sometimes, even an admonishment. I am not proud of myself when I am short with Mummy, but I am oftentimes unable to control my response.

At the heart of my less than sympathetic behaviour is fear. I dread the day she will leave me behind and return to God. She will leave an impossibly huge void and I will mourn inconsolably. There are, in fact, times I catch myself mourning the inevitable parting now. So every instance of age-related vulnerability strikes a chord of terror within me. I don't want her to go. Ever. How would I survive without her in my life?

Here is where faith, and hope, carry me in this love relationship. Because I believe in the Kingdom of Heaven, I know that, one day, I will be joined, not just with my Heavenly Father, but with every person I have ever loved, and we will all live together, united in eternal bliss and harmony.

Celebrating Mummy's 84th birthday

In the meantime, I can stop being afraid, and try to be the most loving, caring, the best daughter I can be to my mother, storing up happy memories to tide me through the eventual chasm of death, until we rise again with Christ, in mystical union. I can await with eagerness the ultimate mother-daughter future in eternity, which will suffer a mere temporary parting of ways on earth.

Yesterday afternoon, some of the Woman to Woman Ministry ladies, past and present, got together to celebrate being women of hope. It was a time of fellowship, brief reflection, and rejoicing in God's goodness through song and dance. Although I had to leave early, I left inspired.

Like love, hope is not based on feelings, but it is an act of will. We can hope, even in our most despairing moments, and we can choose to bring light into the darkest periods of our lives, and to bear light to others who are with us in the darkness, and who have lost hope, even faith.

Hope, as a theological virtue, is a grace given by God, to encourage us and help us along the rocky path of life in making the right decisions to live a life of love, knowing, deep in our bones that what we will find, eventually, is unmatched happiness when we meet Him face to face, with no barriers in between as we have here on earth, and our hearts will beat as one accord. Centred in our identity as children of God, hope also helps us live fruitful lives.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1818, says this:

The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity.

Put simply, the virtue of hope points us towards happiness, by inspiring us to goodness and generosity; hope brings out the best in each of us and keeps us going even in the midst of difficulties. Hope purifies our intentions and motivations, so we can fearlessly walk the way of the Cross with eyes trained on Jesus. Hope is what gives us the vision to see beyond mortal tragedy and great loss, to know we are not alone, and that we can always rely on the goodness of God.

There are four capitol errors* pointed out by F.K. Bartels in his excellent exposition on hope. They are: unawareness of or disbelief in God's immanent presence; doubt of God's all inclusive plan of divine love; the apparent inability to trust in God's help; and the growing uncertainty that God intervenes in human history and in the daily lives of his children.

Knowing what we know about Jesus and having encountered His goodness personally does not stop us from doubt or despair, more so when crisis or calamity hits us. So it is necessary to note and remember when and where we have experienced His beneficence, to remain rooted in His unchanging and undying love for us, and to keep turning back to Him when we falter. Isn't that what Lent is all about anyway, turning back?

Bartels calls Saint Maximilian Kolbe a portrait of hope, a man who was given the supernatural gift of hope to trustingly walk forward even as he gave his life up for another in Auschwitz.

For the Christian, nothing in life is merely a fluke. Even the very worst of circumstances, such as the horrors found in the death camp of Auschwitz, can ultimately be the very path toward permanent, supernaturally infused bliss and the unending reception of divine love, provided we open our hearts in hope to God and make every effort to live according to his will.

Thinking back on the sudden death of J almost a year ago, I can say that grievous as his death was to me at the time, I entered into a new relationship of trust, and hope, with Jesus. The tragedy encouraged me to cling to the Father's promises, and to be unafraid of loving others. It helped nudge my nascent relationship with P to definitive heights.

To live according to God's will requires heroic amounts of hope, but it is precisely heroic amounts of hope that will be given us if we desire it, and we wish to walk the mile with no compromise. Try it. Give hope a chance and let it transform your life in ways you never imagined.

* http://www.catholic.org/news/saints/story.php?id=47246