Retreat refreshed

I had an awesome weekend. I am exhausted and falling sick, but I am also uplifted, and excited about all the insights I have gained over the one and a half day retreat I went on with a few of my W2W Ministry sisters (thank you, sisters, for being part of my journey all these years). Although it was short, and we did a little bit of everything (we even went for a prayer walk on the Southern Ridges and got the heart pumping), it was what I needed for I am been having the spiritual blahs. I am especially amazed at the faithfulness of God who repaid my little effort to spend more time with Him by giving me fresh heart.

Being good, being faithful all the time can be wearing. It can weigh heavy on the soul for there are so many hearts crying out for healing, so many wrongs in the world to set right, and even though I know I am not the Messiah - only He can save - I am sent by Him to go out into the world to spread the Good News.

However, my world can be trying, for no matter how much I encourage those around me, speaking life-giving truths, it would seem ad nauseam, some choose to stay in darkness, for years, preferring its rank, subzero climate. I get frustrated and disheartened when I see no discernible difference over long periods of time. At the same time, I know being a missionary disciple requires stamina for much as I would like instant results, I am called, as Father Arro put it, to be a farmer who plants the seeds and tends painstakingly to them, but leaves it up to God's timing as to when they will bloom and fruit.

It was refreshing going back to basics again, to acknowledge who I am, the beloved daughter; and revisiting my gifts, reviewing if I do indeed put them to good use.

Side bar: Even if one is clueless about one's gifts, one can still be an effective disciple for as Pope Francis said in Evangelii Gaudium 121: Our falling short of perfection should be no excuse; on the contrary, mission is a constant stimulus not to remain mired in mediocrity but to continue growing. I say Amen to that.

One of the passages we reflected on was the paralytic man in Mark's Gospel, chapter two. My take away from that was although I am a sinner, I can be healed, especially if I rely on others. I realize that while I am always looking after others, I do not let others administer to me as readily. My reticence is due to a lack of confidence that others would want to help me, a sort of reverse pride, and also to my own introverted and stoic nature. This weekend was a reminder that I need others as much as they need me, all the more if I want to be healed and forgiven of my sins.

Today Father Arro (thank you, Father, for facilitating an insightful weekend) spoke about the power of the resurrection and I was personally encouraged that the resurrected Christ comes to look for me to let me know that even though I may have many failures and shortcomings, He still believes in me and wants me to be His messenger to others. So even when things seem most hopeless, the Resurrection always conquers death, bringing new life with it. The question then is do I live the power of the Resurrection with enthusiasm and vitality?

I finished the retreat knowing I need to rest more for being physically tired will not help me go the distance I need to travel. Exhaustion makes for grouchiness, poor health, errors in judgement, carelessness, indifference and pessimism, all things I can stand to lose. I also need to pray more, to intercede more for others as well as allowing Christ to speak to me in the quiet, contemplative moments. His input is vital for without Him, I can do nothing. I know this, and yet, I straddle between being like a fragmented whirlwind of activity and a distracted and brain-dead zombie feeding on my addictions.

The Scripture that spoke most to me comes from John 4:24: God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth. If I wish to continue moving and living in the Spirit, I must worship in spirit and truth. To me this means being open and attentive to His promptings, and to not place strictures on the mystery and awesomeness of God. It means to let go and let God reveal His truth to me and through me by letting go of my own judgements, prejudices and perceptions, renewing them constantly. It will not be easy, but it's definitely something for me to work on. Retreats rock!

Fasting abundantly

The Lunar New Year and Lent often coincide, which I always find a tad discordant. The Lunar New Year is all about abundance and the 15 days of family gatherings and feasting veer toward the excessive. It was with no small relief that I entered into Lent on the third day of the LNY, and I even welcomed the obligatory fasting of Ash Wednesday.

So what am I doing this Lent to live it, as Pope Francis exhorts, more intensely as a privileged moment to celebrate and experience God’s mercy? The Pope encourages attentive listening to the word of God. He singles out Mother Mary, whose receptivity allowed her to be evangelized by the Holy Spirit, who made her virginal womb fruitful.

In attempting to be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, fasting from indifference so to speak, I have found many opportunities to engage in works of mercy, both spiritual and corporal. Every day I have been presented with chances to help others, show my love for my neighbour, and it all becomes a question of where I place my energies for the needs of others can and do conflict with my busy work week. I cannot do everything. I need to find the balance.

It has been difficult and I have recently overstretched myself and find myself physically exhausted. So it is time to pull back a little. Pulling back means being less Martha-like to being more like Mary who sat at the feet of the Lord to listen. Otherwise, I am teetering on the edge of tired grouchiness and impatient intolerance, which completely defeats my good intentions of a fulfilling Lent.

Thus it is good to have a quiet weekend to rest, catch up on housework, cook and reflect on what the Holy Father has to say:

For all of us, then, the season of Lent in this Jubilee Year is a favourable time to overcome our existential alienation by listening to God’s word and by practising the works of mercy. In the corporal works of mercy we touch the flesh of Christ in our brothers and sisters who need to be fed, clothed, sheltered, visited; in the spiritual works of mercy – counsel, instruction, forgiveness, admonishment and prayer – we touch more directly our own sinfulness. The corporal and spiritual works of mercy must never be separated. By touching the flesh of the crucified Jesus in the suffering, sinners can receive the gift of realizing that they too are poor and in need. By taking this path, the “proud”, the “powerful” and the “wealthy” spoken of in the Magnificat can also be embraced and undeservedly loved by the crucified Lord who died and rose for them. This love alone is the answer to that yearning for infinite happiness and love that we think we can satisfy with the idols of knowledge, power and riches. Yet the danger always remains that by a constant refusal to open the doors of their hearts to Christ who knocks on them in the poor, the proud, rich and powerful will end up condemning themselves and plunging into the eternal abyss of solitude which is Hell. The pointed words of Abraham apply to them and to all of us: “They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them” (Lk 16:29). Such attentive listening will best prepare us to celebrate the final victory over sin and death of the Bridegroom, now risen, who desires to purify his Betrothed in expectation of his coming.

As I enter into the second week of Lent, I ask for perseverance to continue to listen attentively and to make this season of fasting one of great abundance. 

The beauty in joyful living

January has skated by in a blur. Given my laid-back December, I have taken on as many classes as I could get to pay for my recent vacation extravagances, and God has been faithful in providing for me for I have been extremely busy. Despite the dense weave of work commitments, community/ministry meetings and lunches with friends (one of my resolutions this year is to be a more attentive and engaged friend), I have managed to stay mindful and live in God's presence more frequently (another resolution to make this Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy count personally).

One of the things that has stood out for me during this busy time is how much joyful living is a decision I must will every day.  It is so easy to be short with people and slide into grouchiness given my physically challenged state but since I made the decision to be this busy, I must do it with a cheerful heart and demeanour. As Father Arro put it in his homily last Sunday, the question to ask in prayer daily is show me how and who I should fall in love with today?

I am ever aware of the transience of time and how finite are the hours I have left with the people who mean much to me like my ageing mother. I will not be here forever myself and I will only pass this way once, so making every minute meaningful, and more importantly, delightful, for myself and others, is paramount.

Some of the ways I achieve joyful living include, not surprisingly, prayer, lots of it, and allowing myself to be gratified by beauty. When it comes to prayer, the intercessory prayer of others has helped me immensely. I am fortunate to be surrounded by many people whom I can rely on to intercede on my behalf when I need some extra mojo. Knowing that people who love me are praying for me gives me new heart, while praying for others in turn keeps me grounded in proper perspective.

Keats wrote Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Beauty and truth are God's special gifts to humankind, as is love. My happy place is my weekly walk with my mother in Gardens by the Bay. We both love visiting the domes to see what's blooming that day. The beauty of flowers speaks to us and this shared appreciation of nature is our special bonding time not just with each other but with the Creator for in the face of beauty we both see God. I treasure these walks for the ineffable joy they give me.

Beauty is not just to be found visually, but it is presides in the quotidian mores of life. Beauty hides shyly in the little things, the simple things - shared laughter, simple dinner conversation, the serendipity of a look exchanged, the healing, loving acceptance of a soul bared, courageous vulnerability, and even the unexpected smile of a stranger. It is found especially in the imperfect gestures of care and affection we exchange with the significant others in our lives.

So I like to wind down at night by recalling the beautiful moments that have graced any given day and pay proper homage to them by thanking the Lord for His generosity. I also examine the frustrating moments to seek the beauty in them and do likewise. If beauty can be found even in darkest night in the faint twinkling of a star, beauty is present even in our ugly encounters with people in the way we were given the grace to respond in graciousness. We, too, can create beautiful moments, and cultivate our own inner beauty, in how we respond to bad situations or challenging people with grace.

This is the crux of joyful living. Not only do I recognize and celebrate the inherent beauty of my life, I create as much beauty as I can by walking in the light of the Spirit, the Spirit of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I do my best to cultivate the quiet beauty of virtues like prudence, courage, temperance, justice, modesty, honesty, humility, hope and mercy.

Unfortunately we are increasingly socialized to focus so much on external appearances that it doesn't take much for us to be self-serving, shallow and vain. Just pick any reality TV programme that chronicles the lives of the rich and famous and you will see that the beauty celebrated is often superficial, crass even. What the world considers beautiful is mostly lacking in substance.

It is therefore worthwhile remembering Saint Paul's words to the Corinthians for love as described by Saint Paul is impossibly beautiful and priceless:

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.

Have a beauty-filled day!