Man + woman, forever = marriage

Last Friday, the US Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage in America (Ireland did the same a month ago). Everyone has been applauding this and many people on Facebook have taken to updating their profile photos in a wash of rainbow colours to show their support.

What is significant about this, one may ask, for the choice to engage in a relationship other than a conventional heterosexual one is a personal choice and does not impact my life. Or does it?

I am all for inclusiveness and I am against discrimination, but I can't help wondering how this new shade of grey will impact family life and whether it will indeed make the world a better place or will those of us who espouse traditional views of marriage and family life be discriminated against? I already see it happening when people trash and reject Catholic teaching* and convention.

That aside, I fail to see how there can be same-sex marriage. No matter how you splice it, marriage is the union between man and woman who complement each other in their sexuality, and who commit to a lifelong journey of fidelity. In the act of love, they will find not just pleasure but a transcendent and unitive experience which also holds the miracle of procreative promise. Man and man, or woman and woman just do not fit together the way man and woman are engineered to do so. Neither is the procreative power inherent in same-sex coupling. That we have to qualify marriage with the adjectival 'same-sex', tells me no matter how many countries legalize same-sex marriage, it is an oxymoron, a contradiction in terms.

I do not disapprove of loving relationships between people of the same sex, or of the different sex, for that matter, but I worry for the future of family life when heterosexual couples reject the stability of raising children within the commitment of marriage, and conversely same-sex couples want the possibility of formal recognition for their committed relationships.

Perhaps the LGBT community can teach men and women something about the commitment of marriage, seeing as they have fought hard to accord same-sex relationships the recognition that committed heterosexual couples currently enjoy in marriage, a privilege often misused and disrespected.

Perhaps we humans need to redefine our concepts of love and commitment placing less premium on lust and a self-centred fulfilment, and more on fidelity and sexual purity. Sexual intercourse is not just an extremely pleasurable, recreational way to get off, but it is a very powerful way to affirm the marital covenant that tells the other I am yours forever and ever and let's be possible co-creators with God to bring forth new life and be caring parents in our forever love. Every time we engage in sex, this is what we are saying to the other, man to woman, woman to man.

When it comes to children, I still believe that children need parents, a father and a mother in a stable and loving relationship to thrive and mature. I am not saying gay or single parents are incapable of bringing up healthy, happy and well adjusted children, but a woman cannot be a father in the same way a man cannot be a mother and one of each brings a dimension to family dynamics that is unique and irreplaceable. Surrogates are simply not the same, hard as same sex or single parents may seek to supplement their parenting responsibilities.

We now live in a world where life in the womb can be so thoughtlessly destroyed or can so clinically begin in a petri dish, or it can come to term in the womb of another woman. Then there are fertility methods that treat embryos like commodities that can be frozen at will, implanted in multiples in a geriatric womb (this is so wrong on so many levels), or destroyed when no longer desirable.

All these possibilities have reduced and nullified the sense of the sacred where conception is an act of God. Worse, we ignore how we are designed and insist on using our bodies in new ways just because we can; and we commit murder without batting an eyelid.

The inalienable right of children to have one biological father and mother to raise them up has been tarred by medical possibilities and all manner of blended and informal family structures that have opened the door to more sexual abuse, abandonment and greater psychological challenges.

Already figuring out one's identity and place in the world is hard, what more if I am the product of a sperm or egg donor, or I spent nine months in the womb of someone who wants me while my so-called parents don't just because I am born with a disability?

Who gets me when relationships go south and I am still a frozen embryo in storage? What if my father wants me but my mother wants me destroyed? Since when have I become a commodity to be bartered and fought over like a bone between two dogs?  I am a child who has the same rights as an adult even though I may be a blob right now, barely visible to the naked eye.

I suppose I have a sense of disquiet for when we insist on rewriting and legalizing definitions to words and concepts, it does not take much to keep pushing the envelope and very soon, the shade of grey may transform from more black to white. Or we might become Pharasaic in relying purely on the law, forgetting the spirit of the law, and begin discriminating against the wisdom of Catholic tradition to the great detriment of the human race. Call me biased but I am a fan of Catholic teaching and tradition for I see God's guiding hand and spirit at work; and it makes perfect sense.

Let us work to keep the lines of communication open, and to allow love, God's self-sacrificing and unconditional love, guide us all.

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13

* A great article on what the Church teaches: http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/column/what-the-catholic-church-does-and-does-not-teach-about-same-sex-marriage-3248/

Father complex

M and I were talking about parents and how when parents were too nice to their children, they were taken advantage of and even bullied in their old age. For some reason, many parents seem to spoil their children to the point that these children grow up to be selfish, demanding adults who have zero concept of filial piety. They continue to take without giving, and expect their parents to take care of their needs and wants pretty much forever.

In that respect I am very blessed for my father was no fool or pushover. He had very clear ideas of how we, his four children, should behave as decent human beings and would tell us if we were not living up to his gold standards, especially of how children should be treating their parents.

He himself did his best to give back to his parents and he set a great example of how adult children should take care of their parents. He was not perfect. He failed miserably in some areas but he never stopped trying to be a filial son.

Nothing in life is perfect, and as M put it, we all, at some point, have wanted to murder our parents, but that does not discharge us of our duty to live with them and look after them as they looked after us when we were young.

Daddy was not an easy man to live with but I never thought of moving out for I knew he would be upset, being the traditional Chinese patriarch he was, and I loved, love, both him and my mother enough to want to make them both happy. So I stayed, because families stay together - under one roof. That is the Asian way, and I find great merit in it, being a single woman, for it keeps me from becoming self-centred and eccentric.

My father is no longer with us, it's just me and my mother, but his spirit lives on, guiding me through life. People often praise me for being a good daughter but I don't think I am doing anything special. I am only doing what I ought to, my duty, nothing more or less. In fact, I often fall short, but as Saint Paul told the Galatians in chapter 6, verse 9: And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

So what's the purpose of this blog entry? It is to remind parents to teach their children well: to teach them how to become loving, responsible, polite, considerate, giving and generous adults who seek justice not merely for themselves but for those who need it most.

It is about raising children with a clear sense of right and wrong; of what is just and fair for all; of what is done and not done based on human decency; and to always aspire toward the summum bonum, the highest good.

Fame, fortune, status, power and physical beauty, these are all temporal and immaterial in the kingdom of God and should be accorded the right scant respect. If you really love your children, teach them the right values as my father taught me every day he was alive. Do not give up the authority of being a good parent and give in to the moral laxity of relativism and an egocentric freedom.

For those of us without children, it is worth our while to be loving, responsible, polite, considerate, giving and generous people who seek justice not merely for ourselves but for those who need it most. Let us also not forget to be joyous, courageous, faithful, diligent, hopeful and persevering beings who give proper thanks for our daily blessings. And while you are at it, don't forget to respect and care for your father and mother.

Father's Day was last Sunday, and the best way I can honour my father is to continue to be like him and to seek to do God's will in life, and to desire only the goodness of God in my life. I will fail, but I will not give up, like Daddy.

Loving and praying for your enemies

But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44

Oh Jesus, say it isn't so. Love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me? You ask too much of me. Why can't I drown in the seething sludge of justified resentment, self-righteously condemning all those who have wronged me? Why must I love them and pray for them? What about what THEY did to ME?

As Don Schwager wrote in his meditation* for today's Gospel, the thing that sets serious Christian disciples apart is grace. Grace in:

treating others, not as they deserve, but as God wishes them to be treated - with lovingkindness, forbearance, and mercy. God is good to the unjust as well as the just. His love embraces saint and sinner alike. God seeks our highest good and teaches us to seek the greatest good of others, even those who hate and abuse us. Our love for others, even those who are ungrateful and selfish towards us, must be marked by the same kindness and mercy which God has shown to us. It is easier to show kindness and mercy when we can expect to benefit from doing so. How much harder when we can expect nothing in return. Our prayer for those who do us ill both breaks the power of revenge and releases the power of love to do good in the face of evil.

This, by no means, is an exhortation to be a people-pleasing doormat, or to remain stuck in codependent relationships, or to suffer repeated abuse, but it is a higher calling to break free of the cycles of deep resentment, anger, frustration and hurt in our lives which if we rub shoulders with others, will inevitably happen, especially with those whom we love, family members and friends alike, plus those who make us uncomfortable and challenge our values.

Loving opens us up to hurt for we offer our hearts to people who may not always appreciate our sincerity, not because they had any ill intent, but sometimes out of their own limitations, or ignorance.

Different perceptions, opinions and expectations shaped by personal experience will create misunderstandings. S___ happens. But we don't have to remain mired in it. Here is where we need the eyes of Christ to see beyond the externals and our own knee-jerk reactions of anger, hatred and the need for revenge.

You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48

Jesus encourages us to seek perfection, to love as the Father loves us, with goodness and generosity, and the cleansing, forgiving love of a father who awaits the arrival of his prodigal child with unwavering faith and hope, day after day. Because Jesus has shown us by His own example, we know we can overcome our baser emotions and impulses and rise above them as well.

This is what praying for our enemies does, it transforms us so that we have the wisdom to see truth, and the compassion to be merciful and forgiving. We are also given the patience to see the kairos, an appointed God-moment, in our chronos, time, and not lose heart so easily.

In that way prayer is awesome. I find myself changing from a ranting, hating virago into an empathetic and loving sister. I am able to subsume my own inadequacies and ego needs to bring about restoration because I am able to set aside my own hurt feelings and move towards freedom.

Even if the other party is not ready to forgive and chooses continued hostility, I have the ability to lay my griefs and hurts at the foot of the cross and allow Jesus to comfort me and bring me back to wholeness and life. His love is the best balm for my wounds. His grace is truly sufficient. I just have to keep close company with Him and be humble enough to acknowledge my own weaknesses in order to gather strength from Him. This is completely liberating, surrendering impossible people and situations into His hands. If only I can remember to do this all the time.

Today's reminder to love and pray for my enemies challenges me to walk the Christian talk of forgiveness, knowing it is within my power to bring to pass if I am as Christ-centred a disciple as I profess to be. One cannot really be called a good disciple if one cannot be crucified, only to be resurrected by loving and forgiving others, especially those who do not deserve it. Time to allow Jesus to transform my heart.

* To read Don Schwager's excellent daily meditations, go to: http://www.dailyscripture.net

Trees of life

I couldn't quite believe it when I read that there is a campaign in the UK to ban parents from piercing their baby daughters' ears, claiming it is a form of child abuse. Huh?

Coming from a traditional Asian family, pierced ears are a cultural norm and when I first learned that baby girls had their ears pierced a few days after birth in Indonesia (I was about nine then) I thought to myself how practical and wonderful a practice for it certainly would have saved me the remembered pain of getting mine pierced at the age of six. Although I did not cry, I was nervous. And although I liked that my grandmother asked me and I chose, I could have done without the pain, minimal as it was.

There are many things that constitute child abuse: feeding your children high caloric, processed foods until they resemble butterballs, instilling a lifelong love for sugar and junk food; keeping your toddlers quiet by exposing them to technology, setting them up to be techno junkies; and how about your unborn children, getting rid of them before they have had a chance to breathe on their own just because they were inconvenient, unwanted accidents with no voice or legal standing?

The list is long and we can pick causes that speak to us, however, legislating ear piercing is treating parents like morons (admittedly some are) and trying to control them (so much for freedom), as well as being culturally insensitive. I am no parent but I know ridiculous when I see it.

The parable of the mustard seed in Mark 4:26-34 just Sunday past challenges us to a supernatural faith that allows each of us to grow spiritually. As Monsignor Vaz shared, this growth comes from the sincere desire to seek and know God. We cooperate with God in allowing Him to shape us. Growth for growth's sake implies a certain lack of maturity, so we should make like trees with deep roots (in God), and grow wide, shady, fruitful boughs that give shelter and feed those around us.

Life-giving tree hospitality speaks of patience, gentleness, compassion, wisdom, and a listening heart to comfort and soothe hurting or weary souls, and to lift spirits, dispelling loneliness. This requires us to cultivate the appropriate attitude of humility and openness that recognizes the supremacy of God.

Even if we are driven to make the world a better place, we must know when to fight and when to give in, if not, we are no better than terrorists: the ones with the most virulent voice win.

Unity, not disharmony, should be our goal. We should build up and bind, not tear down and fracture. As Saint Paul reminds us in the second reading, 2 Corinthians 5:6-10, we need to walk by faith and not by sight, and whatever we do, we must be intent on being pleasing to Christ in word, deed and action.

Ecologically trees are responsible for life on earth, contributing oxygen, controlling climate and providing food and shelter to many, amongst many other benefits. Likewise we can become valuable sources of life when we ourselves are fed by the sun, wind and rain of the Trinity and we remember, it is the Lord who speaks in our lives, who stunts tall trees and makes the low ones grow, who withers green trees and makes the withered green. Ezekiel 17:24

 

Beatitude living

Chatting with my SD he shared that in his years of pastoring people he has found a shift in thinking. Previously, people used to be motivated by duty, but in recent times it is all about fulfilment. Going by the recent media furor over a former Olympian decathlete's very public gender transformation I would say that the search for fulfilment has broken a new record.

Fulfilment is good. God created each of us with specific talents and gifts, to walk down particular and unique paths toward self actualization. However, the service dimension in seeking fulfilment is often dismissed nowadays. We ignore the verity of Pope Paul VI's statement in Gaudium et Spes 24 that we can fully find our true selves only in the sincere gift of self.

Seeking one's bliss has instead taken on an inward-looking, masturbatory characteristic. The only definition of pleasure worth celebrating it would seem is to be voraciously hedonistic with no regard for how one derives pleasure or for setting limits on pleasure. Just look at the large number of infidelities and the proliferation of addictions in its myriad forms to confirm this.

The selfish pursuit of happiness leaves little consideration for others. And when obstacles to the path of happiness appear, they are perceived as insurmountable mountains and great energy is spent on either lamenting one's misfortunes at length, or circumventing them employing means more foul than fair.

This egocentricity has led to a people are either for me or against me but most of the time they are against me mentality. We have become self-absorbed, overly demanding, hypersensitive and martial in outlook.

We are the cǎoméi zú, Strawberry Generation, easily bruised and oh so high maintenance. We are not fervent in commitment, every ready to give up with we hit a road block or when ennui sets in. No wonder marriage is not the lifelong covenant it was when we are so fulfilment led that feelings, or the lack thereof, justify 'uncoupling'. It is even normative to defend self-serving extremes of behaviour as a right to freedom and receive the approbation of others under the guise of a horrifying politically correct tolerance.

Thank God Jesus was no strawberry or else we would be nose-deep in the muck. Thank Jesus for His sermon on the mount that gives us an alternative and radical way of living. Last Monday's reflection from Laudate encourages living out the beatitudes as the secrets to happiness:

choosing to be poor rather than rich (Mt 5:3),
sorrowing in repentance for our sins rather than feeling good (Mt 5:4),
becoming lowly rather than getting high (Mt 5:5),
hungering for holiness rather than getting what we want (Mt 5:6),
giving others a break rather than getting our rights (Mt 5:7),
having nothing but Jesus rather than having everything (see Mt 5:8),
dying for our enemies rather than killing them (see Mt 5:9), and,
being insulted, persecuted, and slandered because of Jesus rather than being popular (Mt 5:10-11).

Beatitudes are closer to Maslow's definition of self actualization and definitely not for the faint of heart, and yet, as Maslow found, one can look forward to being comfortable, secure and happy in one's own skin (no plastic surgery required), loving and living a fulfilling life, regardless of circumstance.

Looking back, I have been happiest in the years I acknowledged Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. There are certain 'worldly' things I forgo and miss intensely from time to time but I would not trade what I have now - peace of mind, direction and self-assurance - for the fleeting, gratuitous pleasures of my past.

Every possession I have had to let go of in order to follow Christ has been replaced by more than I ever envisaged. Initial tears have given way to deep joy and the certainty that I am loved and prized beyond my wildest dreams.

Secure and fulfilled by the Father's love, I cannot help but want to make Him happy. Follow Christ and His ways. Trust the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit. Live out the beatitudes and be a fool for Christ.

Being one of the duty driven people my SD spoke of, I can, at times, lose the joy and fall into the trap of judging others by my own standards. Here is where the words of Saint Ephrem resonate:

Virtues are formed by prayer. Prayer preserves temperance. Prayer suppresses anger. Prayer prevents emotions of pride and envy. Prayer draws into the soul the Holy Spirit, and raises man to Heaven.

Fulfilment lies not in radical superficial change but in a radical change of heart that relies on the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews11:1).

Acquiring power through the Spirit

When I attended ICPE Mission's Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore in 2003 I was initiated into the charismatic way of Praise & Worship. It was alien and uncomfortable, especially for the control freak in me. What is with this babbling in tongues business? What's the point of this charismatic gift, especially since you cannot understand a word of it?

Then I began to feel left out because everybody had the gift but me. I wanted to be able to express prayer directly from my heart, bypassing my cognitive abilities. I wanted to feel the oneness with the Spirit and the personal edification that comes from speaking in tongues. Instead, all I could do was stay silent while everyone else was participating spiritedly (pun intended), and with great joy during Praise & Worship. Because I desired the gift, E prayed over me before I left India and not long after, I received the gift of tongues.

Since then, the gift of tongues and other subsequent gifts* have helped me live in the Spirit so that I have a living and meaningful relationship with this last person of the Trinity who is very often overlooked.

Last weekend (fittingly on Trinity Sunday), the Woman to Woman Ministry conducted our own Woman in the Spirit Seminar (a condensed version of the Life in the Spirit Seminar) and it was an intense but amazing time. More than just about receiving the gifts of the Spirit, it was a time of reflection, sharing, fellowship, and focusing on a deepening of my relationship with the Father, the Son and, of course, the Holy Spirit.

A question I had asked in Bangalore years back was how do I know that God is speaking to me? Twelve years later I can say I know that God speaks to me, and it is most concretely through the Holy Spirit. He is my Counsellor, Comforter, Teacher and Helper. He is wisdom, truth, holiness and all impulses good.

Perhaps my SD put it best. He said it is the Father who initiates, our Creator who first loved us; Jesus the Son is the performer of miracles, the action guy who brings us to the Father; and the Holy Spirit is the power or the driving force behind our every good action.

Through the answers of my sisters at the retreat, it is clear that God speaks to us in many different ways, but the only way each of us can truly hear Him is if we avoid sin which causes a deadening of one's spiritual senses and sensibilities (as the beatitude goes blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God), and we offer Him the time and space to speak to us in prayer.

The acid test, as A emphasized, is when the Holy Spirit becomes our first love, the one we turn to when life deals us hard knocks or devilish questions. He is the one we go to whether it is for commiseration and consolation, or with jubilation and gratitude.

Miracles happen every day. Signs and wonders abound. The question is, do we have the eyes of faith to see them? Do we have the heart of faith to give thanks and rejoice? Do we have the mind and strength of faith to be transformed in order to love our neighbour as ourselves?

Do we ask our Advocate, the Holy Spirit, to make the impossible happen when we are faced with our fears and surrounded by enemies? He has the power.  We have the power, through Him, by virtue of our Baptism and Confirmation for He lives within us. Do we exercise that power frequently, judiciously and effectively in our lives?

The Per Ipsum** in the Eucharistic Prayer reminds us at every Eucharistic celebration that the Holy Spirit is the one who helps us unite with the Father and the Son, and give glory to God. Through Him, with Him and in Him, let us lead lives that testify to the world that God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit - is with us, and walks among us, closer than we think.

 *  From 1 Corinthians 12:4-11: Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the discernment of spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are activated by one and the same Spirit, who allots to each one individually just as the Spirit chooses.

**  Through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honour is yours, almighty Father, forever and ever.