Prayer and action

My cousin E asked me how I felt after being Covenanted. I replied scared. Petrified, more like. I know full well my flaws and shortcomings, and how unworthy I am to aspire to greatness, and yet, to be a follower of Christ, mediocrity is so not an option.

People who know of my recent commitment have begun to hold me to a higher standard. Not unreasonable. I am holding me to a higher standard. So when I fall, it can be a little more painful.

Therefore I must remember that God does not require perfection. I will stumble and make mistakes every day, but as long as I remain humble and contrite, open to correction and change, I am good.

This ability to remain humble can only come from, no surprises, prayer as a discipline. I came across this meditation by Pope Benedict XVI from Saint Luke Productions and it holds within it the seeds of what I must do each day to help me steer True North.

THE PROCESS OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH
It is important for the process of spiritual growth that you don't just pray and study your faith at times when it happens to cross your mind, when it suits you, but that you observe some discipline. 

I should say, never begin with thinking alone, for if you try to pull God toward you in the laboratory of rational thought, and to attach him to you in what is to some extent a purely theoretical fashion, you find you can't do it. 

You always have to combine the questions with action. Pascal once said to an unbelieving friend: start by doing what believers do even if it still makes no sense to you. 

You can never look for faith in isolation, it is only found in an encounter with people who believe, who can understand you, who have perhaps come by way of a similar situation themselves; who can, in some way, lead you and help you. It is always among us that faith grows. Anyone who wants to go it alone has thus got it wrong from the very start. 

It is easy to get complacent, sloppy, to slip into thinking I know it all and I am in control, that I do not need others - the almighty I. That frame of mind is a hop, skip and jump away from becoming inward looking and self-preserving. Better people than I have fallen so why should I be excluded?

The spiritual realm may be invisible but it is extremely alive and palpable in the actions of people. Whether I am motivated by God or something lesser, is a fine line both you and I tread, in every decision we make.

It is that serious a battle between choosing what is truly best for the other or what are self-serving desires dressed up as good Christian values; for the greater good or for my greater good. I do not pretend to always choose the former.

Perhaps today's Gospel from Mark (4:26-34) says it best:

“This is how it is with the Kingdom of God;
it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land
and would sleep and rise night and day
and the seed would sprout and grow,
he knows not how.
Of its own accord the land yields fruit,"

We must bow to the majestic mystery of God, even as we work as His sowers. And if we ourselves are sown in, and nourished by the soil of His Word and presence constantly, then even if we are a tiny mustard seed, we can aspire to become a plant that gives shade to birds in our large, leafy branches.

A good thought to hold onto as I celebrate the first day of the Lunar New Year today.

Giving advice

P sent me a link* to an article on what advice a collection of CNN staffers in their 50s would give to their 30-year-old selves. The article was triggered by Michelle Obama turning 50.

I had to agree when I read what Carol Costello said about how recognizing women turning 50 was a tad sexist. Why is it the dreaded 50 or the abhorred 40? Why is reaching a new decade such a fêted yet traumatic experience for a woman?

Worse, if you still look good, everybody oohs and aahs as if it were a minor miracle. Again, what truly matters is how you look inside and how comfortable you are in your own skin (if you aren't by now, something is seriously wrong and should be addressed, pronto).

Yes, birthdays are milestones and great for taking stock of life, but a number does not dictate how one should behave, or signify that life, as you know it, is over. That seems to be the case for women, sadly, especially if they are single.

From some of the comments I am getting now, one would think I will soon be up for a root canal. While getting older has its minuses, I hate the loss of memory, the reduced energy and the inflexible, groaning muscles, I would not want to be 30 again.

When I think back to what I was like at 30, I had no idea where I was headed; I was stuck in a dead end job and completely dissatisfied with life - pretty much a walking disaster. I could certainly have done with some good advice. So this is what I would say to the 30-year-old me.

The perfect man you are looking for is right before your eyes: Jesus. He is the only man you can trust completely for He loves you totally, faithfully and unconditionally. Look to Him. Forget the rest. He's the keeper.

Follow your heart and dare to dream big. You only live once, there are no dress rehearsals in life so, go for it. Don't let your fears and insecurities stop you. God has great plans for you, but it's up to you to make them happen.

Your faith is the most beautiful and valuable thing your forefathers have bestowed on you. Treasure it and live it out fully. And when you stumble, don't be afraid to turn back immediately, God is the God of second chances. He has already forgiven you your sins, so forgive yourself, repent and return. Don't waste time wallowing in guilt or regret. He's already waiting, with open arms.

* For a good read: http://edition.cnn.com/2014/01/17/living/advice-at-50/

Gift

I took the plunge yesterday! I became a Companion of the Institute of World Evangelisation ICPE Mission. When I saw my SD on the eve, he asked me what did it mean for me and what would I bring to the community. I shared with him that my gift to God and the community was purity of heart, symbolized by the tuberose.

This beatitude holds special significance for me for I lost purity of heart, the innocence I had as a young child for many years. I sought for it desperately and when I found it again in my late 30s, it was as if I was given the gift to see the world in Technicolor again, after having been condemned to a world without colour for decades.

I could finally see God, face to face. Purity of heart means I stand before God as I am, vulnerable and unadorned, with "humble, contrite heart". What Blessed John Paul II calls original nakedness, the ability to be in such close relationship with the Father that there is no fear or shame, like Adam and Eve were before The Fall.

If I am able to see, and hear God, then I can speak of His goodness and truth with authority and love. I can be a true witness not just in what I say, but in how I live with my life - with moral integrity.

I chose the tuberose to represent purity of heart for I see God in flowers (if you follow my blog you will have realized that). The tuberose also holds special meaning for me. It is a white, gorgeous scented, night blooming flower that is evocative of Hawaii for it is in many of the flower leis there. It connotes, for me, the spirit of aloha, hospitality, love, celebration, and graduation.

The tuberose also has healing powers, being anti-spasmodic and anti-inflammatory, and the Balinese call it sedap malam, delicious night. I want my life to be like the tuberose's: a fragrant, healing offering that is pleasing to the senses, bringing much pleasure and joy.

My SD was even more poetic for he said that I should be like an alluring fragrance to those who live in darkness and cannot see, leading them to God by appealing to other senses. Nice one, Father A!

So how will my life change now that I have reaffirmed my fundamental option for God? Again my SD said it best, in taking my Covenant, I am saying yes to seeing myself as God sees me, so I can go on successfully to be the light of the nations, bringing His salvation to the ends of the earth (yesterday's first reading from Isaiah was freakily appropriate).

I may be doing the exact same thing I was doing last week in terms of work and play, but because of my renewed focus and effort to know Christ and make Christ known, I need to rely more on the Almighty to guide my every thought, word and action.

And, of course, I have a new community of brothers and sisters to love and support me as I exercise my holy, prophetic and royal muscle more powerfully in the world.

Understanding Covenant

I have had quite interesting and varied responses from people with whom I have shared the news of my imminent Covenant. While a few were genuinely happy for me, most kept their thoughts to themselves, not quite sure what to make of it. Others were more forthcoming, and not exactly approving.

B told me I can't be happy for you, while L was dead set against it. E gave me one of her looks which spoke volumes. I am sure some think I am crazy, and we are talking baptized Catholics here. It is not as if I will, overnight, become a Bible-thumping, finger-pointing zealot who judges and condemns everyone. Far from it, if I were to model Christ even more closely - and that, indeed is the plan.

As I told B, my Covenant is an endeavour to walk a committed path toward holiness, and in so doing, I can only hope that the Spirit will lead me, gifting me with so much wisdom, humility and joy that I will bring healing, unity and laughter into the lives of people I know and love, near and far.

The prophecy from Isaiah, chapter 42, which Christ fulfilled to the letter is one that I, and all baptized Christians who are serious about practising their faith try their hand at:

I formed you, and set you
as a covenant of the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes of the blind,
to bring out prisoners from confinement,
and from the dungeon, those who live in darkness.

This is what it means to live out my baptismal office (of priest, prophet and king) in fullness. As Father Arro shared today, to be priest means worshipping God by honouring Him in prayer and singing songs that speak of love, hope, peace, joy, truth, beauty and goodness.

To be a prophet is to own a living relationship with Him and share it with others both as tribute and inspiration, drawing my own strength from contemplating the Book of Life, the Bible, frequently.

And to be king would mean working tirelessly to build a kingdom without boundaries, fear or hate, because as Saint Peter told Cornelius, Jesus is the Lord of all, for God has no favourites and that anybody, of any nationality, is acceptable as long as he fears God and does what is right.

Following so closely in Christ's footsteps is not something the world understands, a world that is filled with people who either mistrust or do not acknowledge the existence of God. They fear religious ardour and passion, mistaking it for Pharasaic fundamentalism.

I don't expect people, especially family and friends, to understand my choices, but I do hope that eventually they will come to realize that my love for the Lord is a wonderful thing and that in some way, they experience His goodness through me, and their lives are somehow, indefinably, transformed for the better.

Companionate goodness

For some reason it felt like my birthday last Friday for I received many gifts, some material, some spiritual, that made my day. God is indeed good all the time.

It actually began with New Year's Day morning mass celebrating the feast of Mary, Mother of God, followed later on in the afternoon by the combined ordination mass of Jude David and Terence Kesavan.

T'was good to share in the joy and rejoice at how God had led these two young men into a deeper covenant with Him. Listening to both of them speak reminded me of my own journey, and my upcoming Covenant in two weeks' time.

I will be joining the Institute for World Evangelisation - ICPE Mission as a Companion on January 19. What this means is I will be making a serious commitment, a Covenant, to grow in, and share my faith, in solidarity with a community of like-minded brothers and sisters.

As a Companion, I will not live in a residential community and I remain where and as I am, with one exception, I fully embrace the spirituality of ICPE Mission and their passion to evangelize with apostolic zeal. I also undertake to prize and nurture my relationship with every community member, viewing them as beloved and unique individuals.

Pope Francis wrote:

An authentic faith – which is never comfortable or completely personal – always involves a deep desire to change the world, to transmit values, to leave this earth somehow better that we found it.  Evangelii Gaudium, 183

I believe that as an ICPE Mission Companion, I will be better able to live out my faith more authentically. To misquote an old African proverb, it takes a village to change the world. I need my village people to help me grow as a person and to crystallize my gifts more fully so that together, we will change the world as different parts of one Body.

Staying close to the source, the Word of God, the Spirit of God, through prayer and contemplation is vital to keep faith vibrant, fresh, creative and true. This will always be a challenge and I therefore look to the strength of united but diverse numbers to keep me inspired and disciplined.

While I am excited and eager, there is apprehension, even fear. The covenant is, first and foremost, a covenant with God; to say to Him, Lord, I am a woman of unclean lips, but here am I, send me! I am your instrument, your willing disciple.

Am I up to the task? Of course!!! As long as I remain seated at His feet, and keep my gaze on Him. And when the going gets tough, I just need to remember, His grace is abundantly sufficient.

Being a member of ICPE Mission makes me a lay missionary. I am a little shy to call myself that for I always find labels suspect. Plus, this one will probably be extremely hard to live up to, but, right down to the core of my soul, I feel that, as Pope Francis put it:

...to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true, but also something beautiful, capable of filling life with new splendour and profound joy, even in the midst of difficulties.  Evangelii Gaudium, 167

If that is my belief, then I must proclaim Christ, in all I see, hear and do, with immense joy and gentle persistence. Only then will His birth, life, death and resurrection mean anything and bring epiphanous relevance to this world.