Blessed nakedness

Last week, K. challenged each of us to stand in front of the mirror, unclothed, to examine ourselves and see what came back.

We are doing JP II's TOB and this exercise was for us to understand what original nakedness meant for each of us; to be naked without shame before God.

Given the beauty industry's ever-changing but definite ideas of beauty, it is never easy to accept my body for it is far from the "ideal".

When I look at myself in the mirror, I immediately see the imperfections, and more recently, my scar, an obvious 15.5 cm line that sits above my pubic symphysis.

This fills me with a sense of faint regret, for not dealing with the fibroid earlier, for my body now bears the scars, external and internal and I am still dealing with the consequences of my dilatory decision.

But that aside, I am more comfortable with my naked body than I ever have been. Sure, I still don't like that my tummy bulges out so alarmingly and my thighs are more generous that I would like them, but my body reveals the beauty of my spirit, the essence of my being to the exterior world.

JPII says the body reveals a personal and spiritual mystery and it is through my body that I can express and make incarnate God's love to everyone I meet.

Without my hands, I could not cook, teach, write, bring relief, comfort, soothe... without my lips, I could not elicit a responsive smile, affirm, dialogue, counsel, encourage, kiss... without my feet, I could not go forth, dance, welcome, journey with, meet, guide... I would not be able to share with you my interior world, my life, without my body.

Nakedness, physical or otherwise, is not comfortable for it calls for vulnerability, openness and humility. However, it is the only way to meet Jesus, for only in my willingness to appear before Him naked do I see the truth of who I am and how much He loves me.

And faced with the naked truth, shame dissipates like early morning mist in the ambient sunlight. There is nothing more healing than the Father's gentle and forgiving "interior gaze".

Don't just take my word for it, get naked and see for yourself.

BLESSING
In the garden, he and I are face to face.
Deliberately I shed my thorny brokenness
and icy grey fears,
Stripped of pretense and shame,
Naked, I kneel at his feet,
Vulnerable and waiting.
He places his hands on my head,
A tender weight on my crown.
"I will make your name great.
A blessing you will be."
Awed and trembling I bow my head
As he wills, let it be done to me.

Fun and happiness

I have just spent the last 20 days in Hawaii and it was pure, unadulterated fun. The opportunity to hang out with my brothers who do not live in Singapore as well as my mum's siblings who live in Australia and Canada and my Australian cousins was especially extraordinary.

Within this family reunion, I also met up with my college friends in Kauai where we visited chocolate and coffee farms, were awed by the Waimea Canyon, spotted whales at the Hanalei lighthouse and went uke shopping in Kapaa and rum tasting at the Koloa Rum Company.

Back in Honolulu, it was a joy to share with the extended family the beauty of Hawaii with a trek up Diamond Head and stops at all the usual tourist attractions, especially Waikele Premium Outlets... We also got to hang out at the beach, watch some amazing hula and listen to live music every other night.

Within all that time, huge quantities of poke, lomi lomi salmon, kalua pig, laulau and loco moco were consumed, not forgetting multiple mai tais and Longboards. Thank goodness we also did loads of walking.

Besides all that, I found time to visit with friends, and more importantly, to go for daily mass at Saint Augustine's which was a necessary oasis of peace in the midst of all that seeing, doing and experiencing.

Just as I reflected on choices this vacation, I also reflected on fun and happiness. Baby bro seems to think that fun is largely lacking in my life and my lifestyle is devoid of pleasure for I don't seem to do a whole lot of fun stuff. Was he right?

Although I may lead a seemingly boring life for I don't get out much and I don't pub or club, I do enjoy my quiet life. He forgets that being an introvert, I am quite happy to chill out on my own. Having a ball on my own comes quite naturally.

My highs come from the sheer pleasure of being alive and living in the moment, be it teaching, writing or just being the kay poh* perfectionist that I am.

As I get to know, accept and love myself more and more, testing my strengths and weaknesses along the way, I am also able to express myself more fully as the woman I was created to be - and this gives me much satisfaction and intense pleasure.

While I really had a lot of fun on vacation, I am equally happy to be home and look forward to getting back into my routine. For even in the humdrum and mundane activities of life, I am able to capture unexpected yet fun snapshots of moments. And that for me is clear indication that I am most content, quietly buoyant, to be exactly where I am.

Sure, I get frazzled and uptight, but that's just my Martha streak showing (which happened even on vacation). I always want to do everything and be everywhere all at once. And I also want everything to be perfect - for everyone. But there is hope for I am learning to just chill and let the moment flow over me like a cool wave.

The search for authentic happiness is inborn in all of us, therefore we tend to expend a lot of time and energy in pursuit of happiness, sometimes forgetting that things like money, power, fame, good health, acclaim, pleasure and position cannot bring true, lasting happiness.

Instead, the ability to be happy is well within our capability for only human beings can synthesize happiness. We can choose to be happy despite disaster and hardship, or in spite of great wealth and fortune, and vice versa.

That said, there is a distinction between fun and happiness and I remember how in the past I could be engaged in fun activities desperately trying to be happy and not really succeeding, whereas now I am able to derive fun from even boring church meetings for I am happy in my own skin and with my life.

Let the fun continue and happiness unfold as I keep my eyes turned upon the One who made all this possible.

* busybody

Choice vacation

Every choice we make changes us. Every single one. This was for me such an obvious yet most profound statement when Father David uttered it in class some weeks ago.

I took it with me as I went on holiday and it was most fruitful reflecting on it as I went about the days of having fun and spending time with people whom I loved.

There are many reasons why I love Hawaii: the climate, people, food and the mana or spirit of the land; and how it was a place of strength and independence for me as a teen poised on the brink of adulthood.

It was also here where I fell in love – with life and all its fascinating possibilities.

Unfortunately, I also bought into the liberal, relativistic lifestyle here and made choices that were neither judicious nor salubrious.

During my college reunion on Kauai, C. asked M. and I what were our goals this year. We have been goal-setting since our first meeting and on reading my first set of goals set some 20 years back I can see how my aspirations have changed and how little I knew of what I wanted out of life back then.

I was unsure, confused and angst-filled, a young woman who had no idea who she was or what she wanted or needed.

In seeking to find meaning in my life, I wandered downs roads that brought me nowhere but heartache, until I chose the road that led to what C.S. Lewis calls the "Beatific or the Miserific Vision".

While it has been difficult to eschew old ways and embrace new ones, I am able to see that each time the choice for "good" becomes easier, less onerous, less costly, for every time I make that choice, it orientates and changes me.

As Hawaii was where I found "freedom", the temptation is always there to submit to old ways of expressing freedom. It was therefore liberating to realize that these past inclinations no longer held any attraction for me this trip.

This vacation was a college cum family reunion, and a departure from my usual R&R ones, but in all its busyness and crowdedness (sharing an apartment with five, six people versus time alone), it was a wonderful and enriching time.

I return, a changed woman, one who is stronger and more certain of who she is, and one who is wealthier from the new bonds she has made with family members overseas.

So glad I chose, and choose, to delight in the law of the Lord.