Integrating body and spirit

When I saw my SD last week and he asked me what I would like to pray for, I said I felt very scattered and needed focus. He prayed for an integration of my gifts and came up with a beautiful image of a person's gifts and talents as flowers which when looked at singly may be pretty but when integrated into a bouquet became a spectacular show of contrasting colours, perfumes, shapes and textures.

This word "integration" has been figuring largely in my life this year. Not that it hasn't in the past for I have spent the last five years trying to integrate my spirituality with my sexuality, my beliefs and thoughts with my actions and behaviour and I have been largely successful.

However, in attempting to live out my life as fully as possible, I have overstretched my limits at times and hence I find myself struggling to integrate my talents: be all things to all people in order to be Christ to the world and, at the same time, be a happy, healthy woman in the prime of her life.

Right now there is little integration between my will and my body. I find myself feeling fragile, physically and emotionally.

Tired seems to be my constant state of existence as I rush from place to activity in neverending succession.

I even struggle with turning up for my weekly W2W meeting although I look forward to it for my exhausted body would love it if I could just spend the Friday evening relaxing at home and going to bed early in order to be fresh for a busy Saturday of teaching.

I am Jacob tussling with the angel when it comes to doing what I feel is the right thing to do versus what I really want.

In accepting that the tension between the two will always exist, there is great relief. An insight that was sparked by the realization that I must accept my imperfect past, present and future in my body.

In other words, my life will never perfect, as I will never be perfect and while I should strive for perfection, if I fall short, that's perfectly alright, as long as I have tried my best to be true to myself (and the Father's will) and conducted myself with integrity - all this while respecting the limitations of my physical being.

At last Friday's meeting, we shared on helplessness and feeling trapped. While I sometimes feel trapped by my sense of right and wrong, I realized that it is in moments of utter helplessness when I cease to struggle and just rely totally on God, and that is when I experience relief and freedom.

This realization was common among the women present. Each had her own unique story to share, her own personal cross, yet when each surrendered her situation in its most bewildering, depressing and scariest moments, somehow she was liberated from fear and given the strength to soldier on.

Grace in its purest form is given when we meet Jesus face to face.

I am reminded of a verse from Exodus that encouraged me in the aftermath of a devastating break-up:

'The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.’

So instead of struggling so hard, I will stand still and let time and nature unfurl organically.

Living new life

Life has been particularly hectic the last couple of weeks and my health has suffered for it. While there were times I wished that I could've slow down, I have also enjoyed the busyness of it all.

Easter brought visitors and I most enjoyed getting to know C. who is S.'s charming little boy, and having long chats with S., who is like a dear sister to me. Then there was the lector retreat, followed by a trip to Bangkok which was a mad whirl of shopping and eating - enjoyable but utterly exhausting.

There have also been concerted efforts to meet up with friends, attend required meetings and soul-enriching talks which, on top of the teaching, left very little time for myself and a body that is protesting very loudly by failing to function well.

At last Friday's meeting, A. brought up a very interesting point of integration - how the mind and body must connect in all that we do, that is, will, reason and emotion must all sing on the same page.

You would think that teaching Pilates would help me get it - but that's just it, I have been teaching and not doing, and hence have missed the point completely for a while now.

I have been neglecting my own physical and emotional health by focusing on what I need to do and what I perceive as things that I need to do which are hard to fit into a 24-hour day.

Instead of loving myself, I have been caring for others with a total disregard for my own self. And because I am so exhausted every day, I give in to poor dietary choices and unhealthy couch potato-like behaviour. It's become a cycle of bad lifestyle habits hard to break.

AW also shared last Friday how as a wife, mother and working woman she survives on three-four hours of sleep at least three times a week. A conscientious and loving woman, she struggles with juggling responsibilities.

While there will always be too many responsibilities from the multi-varied roles we are each called to play, there must be harmony within our minds, bodies and souls.

If our health is less than perfect: if we are physically unfit/overweight/constantly tired, if we suffer from a variety of mysterious aches and pains, if we are too tired to even know how we feel or seem to be low in spirits, if we are mentally stressed and find it hard to relax, if we find it hard to sleep well at night, if we are irritable and illogical... this is a wake-up call.

Listen to your body - what is it saying to you? If it is not happy in any way, there is something seriously wrong with the way you are living your life.

Being loving, caring human beings who serve others does not mean we should suffer by being in less than optimum health.

We must treat our bodies with respect by getting the requisite amount of sleep, eating well (a nutritionally sound diet that moderates or abstains from unhealthy food choices) and exercising (the human body was made to move and I am not talking about walking to the fridge to get a snack or channel-surfing here).

Being "ensouled bodies", we must treat our souls with the same amount of respect by exercising our spiritual muscle and making time to nourish our relationship with Jesus.

If we make time to know Christ, and ourselves, intimately, we will never stray too far or get too lost. For our inner compass will always work to steer us in the right direction, especially in moments of crisis. But one must use this compass constantly if not it will get rusty and untrue.

Exercising spiritual muscle is a little more complicated for we live in a world where many evils abound, some clothed in perceived goodness. I think it's vital to make good recreational choices - in the movies we watch, the music we listen to and the pastimes we indulge in - as well as moderate what we are exposed to media-wise for the rule of GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) applies.

This rule applies to friends as well. I am fond of telling my youngest brother, "You lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas." So who you hang out with is something to consider very carefully.

Self-possession is also key and it begins with the small things like not eating the next delicious mouthful that will push you over the edge into over-eating, and guarding against addictions and compulsive behaviour.

The moment you say, "I can't help myself", "I really need to finish this before I..." or "Just one more..." warning bells should go off in your head.

I have set myself a goal of a pain-free and fit body by year's end and I am as far from it as I can possibly be. So my Easter promise to myself is to begin living a new life, instead of just talking about it.

Let new life begin.

Child

Child has the inalienable right to be loved,
For who he is, for her own being.
Not what he can become, or what she does well,
or what Child represents in the grown-up's universe.
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny,
Too quiet, too noisy, too stupid, too naughty,
Her eyes are too small, his ears stick out,
She's too dark, he's too fair - too ugly.
The litany of unmet expectations and exacting judgments
Obscure the fact that Child is perfect!
As is. Not one freckle more or less.
Regardless of shortcomings, disabilities, size, shape, form or sex.
In spite of the circumstances of birth, good and bad.
Child is a priceless gift, to be cherished,
Savoured each passing day,
From first smile to first word to first date.
Clothed in loving affirmation, she will grow, he will mature
Into the image and likeness of each parent's best self.
The world a playground and safe haven
Where Child is creator, giving birth to new life
Every single day.