Honey from the rock

Three weeks ago, I met up with a good friend whom I have not seen in a while and we discovered we were on parallel paths. We had both recently gone on blind dates for we were both actively seeking life partners. Instead of moaning about not being able to meet men, we have, in our own ways, opened ourselves to the possibilities out there, and doing the pro-active thing.

An advantage to age is that we are no longer coy about what we want and we know how to establish healthy boundaries. How far to take a relationship before we drop it for a lost cause no matter how attractive the man may be. Our egos are also resilient enough that we know if something doesn’t work out, it has nothing to do with who we are - two lovely, vibrant women, incidentally - and onward we venture.

A disadvantage, however, is that most decent men our age (I better qualify that L. is younger than I am, lest she gets miffed when she reads this) are married. If single, they are either commitment-phobic or simply too comfortable where they are to even contemplate marriage. Then you have the battle-scarred, divorced men who come with their own baggage of issues. Mmm, not an easy task we have undertaken.

Given the number of broken marriages that surround me, one might think it more judicious to steer clear. However, I still believe I was meant to embrace marriage and I say this not with cock-eyed optimism or romance novel-like delusions, but knowing full well that marriage is a sacrifice (if you are expecting a happy-ever-after state of life, don’t get married, as I often tell my single women friends), a commitment that requires maturity, perseverance and an ongoing ability to forgive, to continue to love unconditionally even at the lowest ebb of a relationship’s flow.

Don’t get me wrong, I have seen how marriage can be fulfilling and fruitful if the two parties that come together arrived at the decision to share their lives after careful consideration (love, per se, is not enough, despite what fairy tales and daytime soaps tell you), and they cherish and honour the bond of marriage with respect and fidelity. More importantly, they centre their marriage around God, for sometimes, faith will be the glue that keeps the marriage together. Jesus is the only one who can make our crooked lines straight.

Whether or not L. and I find husbands (you’ll just have to keep on reading my blog if you want to know…), I am thankful for where and who I am. Although I do get disheartened at the thought of having to put it out there, and at times, a sense of ennui comes over me when I think of the effort required to get to know someone who may be the wrong someone, I know I will not sit by my window and pine away for my prince to come. Instead, I am out there now, having a ball on my own.

NEWSFLASH: You don’t need a man to be happy or to “complete” your life. If you think that, sister, you are in BIG trouble.

I still grumble and challenge Him occasionally, “Where is he? I want to meet him nownownow!!! You were the one who told me marriage, so YOU produce the man.” Then I am reminded not to be like an ungrateful Israelite wandering in the desert, for He feeds me with honey every day. My life is rich and full of flavour. He seasons my days in highly inventive and multiple ways. I am surrounded by many generous and wonderful people. I am doing what I love best to do, making a positive impact on people’s lives. There is a sense of divine purpose in everything I do for I am guided by a loving Father who has taught me how to write my own happy endings.

He so totally rocks!

Light of day

“But you, beloved, are not in darkness, for that day to surprise you like a thief; for you are all children of the light and children of the day; we are not of the night or of darkness.”

- 1 Thessalonians 5:4-5

Reflecting on the words of St. Paul, I am reminded of a truth I often forget: I am a child of light. Living in the dark is not a natural state of being, unless I choose to make it so. Not only is this nugget of truth great encouragement, but it is an exhortation to act as a child of light and not give in to darkness and live in its murky depths.

What could be worse for a devout and well-respected man who lived his life fulfilling the laws of God than to be struck down with blindness in a society that perceives physical disability as a curse from God? Those must have been truly dark days for Paul, literally and figuratively.

And yet, periods of darkness can be periods of great clarity and growth, a fantastic opportunity to experience a conversion of perceptions, beliefs, attitudes, values – of heart.

And that is why Paul speaks with such conviction, for he finally saw the truth of God’s love in Jesus Christ. He gained new sight. He died to his old self and was reborn.

Indeed life does present challenges and moments of suffering not of our own making; but to be defeated, give in to bitterness, or to attribute it to a God who is meting out some form of undeserved punishment, that is a choice to live in the dark. Faith, believing in the Father’s love is not, and should not be contingent on receiving perceived blessings from Him.

Even in the dark days of watching my father suffer, or the terrible devastation of a break-up with a man I thought would be my husband, I claimed my birthright as His beloved daughter, and that allowed me to receive His healing love and see the light, despite the miasma of misery that engulfed me. That was, for me, justification by faith. His gift to me, every single day of my life.

So when there are days I just want to sit on the floor and wail in defeat, I know that all I have to do is turn inward and listen for His voice. Then, instead of waiting for the day to overtake me by surprise I step out in faith and walk in the light of day, each baby step of the way.

Mid-autumn reflections

As Sadness boldly stole my soul
I watched in helpless wonder.
Her siren song trilled on the breeze,
In sensual notes of sedap malam*.
Paralyzing my core
Leaching out every whisper of hope.

Lacerated by her coral candour,
I am disarmed by her foetid reality
Darkness descends in a velvet rush,
A shroud of eternal torment.
My petrified heart remains lost
Amid the pine needles. By the moonlit sea.

Lionfish dreams of seasons past
I now relinquish into his keeping.
Restored by Time’s gentle hand,
Life waltzes on with grace-full promise,
Inundating my senses
With an autumnal parade of colours.

While she visits me still, from time to time,
I feel her presence fading.
Her sweet visage bids a fond farewell,
Defeated by Love, patient and kind
My spirit rejoices in aerial swoops
Of freedom. Found, and bearing fruit.

*Balinese name for tuberose; literally translated: "delicious night"

by Jackie Pau, Mid-Autumn, 2006